Tuesday, May 24. 2011
Here are some links to my "Wall of Fame" for this thread - responses from years past that I've found interesting or that impressed me. I strongly suggest reading some before attempting your own.
You're allowed to write this one in stages/parts/multiple entries if you wish, and if you ultimately end up re-writing yours, just post the new one as a reply to your old entry.
Class of 2011: Your Name Here (?)
Class of 2010: Ryan T., Shirley C., William Z., Anita L., Janet C., Kevin Y., Jamie G., Tiffany H., Michael N., Jamie L., Stacey K., Cherry W., Tiffany C., John F., and Sophia C.. (Cutting myself off at 14 names; there are plenty of other excellent ones.)
Class of 2009: Tamara G., Samantha M., Lisa H., Vicky C., and Todd G..
How does one rebuild a life?
I can’t remember when I stopped recognizing my own face in the mirror.
It may have been as early as my freshman year at Occidental (that's 2003, for those of you keeping score). That’s the year I first began wearing the glasses I had needed for years but stubbornly avoided. Up until then, I'd just forced myself to get by without them. I didn't want them, so I told myself they weren't necessary. I even sat in the back of all of my classes, as though I could force my eyes to adapt by making them suffer. It didn't work, obviously, and after a final semester spent swapping seats with kids in the front row every time I needed to take notes, I gave in and picked up a pair.
I’ve worn them for eight years now. Some of the most important people I know entered my life during that eight-year period, and they find it difficult to imagine me without them. Shannon's parents were startled the first time I took them off in their presence, about a year and a half after we first began dating; it hadn’t occurred to me that, like my grandmother, I had become a person whose glasses were a part of the "default" face they presented to the world.
It’s been eight years, and I still don’t see those glasses on my face when I picture myself in my mind’s eye. They’re an attachment, a crutch I lived without for years – something forever foreign to my presence.
At what point, then, do the glasses become a part of me? At what point do I stop seeing a "young man" and start seeing an adult?
When do I start seeing myself the way everyone else in the world I’ve built – the life I’ve built – already does?
For better or for worse, your lives are going to pieces right now. You’re casting the last remnants of your childhood aside, shedding connections and sentiments like molted scales. Some are doing this more easily than others; some haven’t really begun. But the process is inevitable. You will molt! (It’s an order.)
You're leaving behind some fascinating things - impressions, stories, memories, influences. Those things are your snakeskins - the quotes you leave in yearbooks, the pictures you snap during that final week, the goodbyes you make time for (and the ones you don't).
That's not to say you'll never come back here...but, to be honest, you'll never return to the place you're leaving behind.
I'm sure you've heard the old phrase about not being able to go home again. I'm also sure that some of you don't believe it.
But it's true. It's real.
To an extent, it's a variation of the divide between two partners who resume a fractured relationship. Yes, you're back together – but you’ll never be as together once you’ve been able to be apart. That division's unbridgeable.
Similarly, you may come back here, in the same town at the same place. You may stand in the same spot as you once did, hear the bells at the same time, watch people with backpacks swarm through the halls the way you remember swarming.
But it will have stopped being "home" for you for a little bit – and it can never be "home" again once that abstract bond's been severed. Homes are so influential, so connected to our definitions of ourselves, that we can't help but change once that's been removed. You're aware of this, even subconsciously, and I think that's why some of you, when we've spoken, have expressed real terror about leaving your families behind.
The person who returns to Arcadia High to visit his/her teachers is not the person who graduates.
Some students from my first few years here have come back to see me (as well as many of their former teachers) around Christmas break. I had seen these students six months earlier, and I had known them – read their writings, spoken with their friends, learned about their hopes and fears all semester, said goodbye to them and wished them well the night they left this place each June. How much could one person change in such a short amount of time?
A great deal, as it turns out.
My students had never seemed "little" or immature to me. Neither do you. Still, I've been immediately - and profoundly - struck by the way every single one seems older. Most are still pleasant, and most seem pretty happy (albeit exhausted, and with the unusual litany of freshman-year growing pains); that hasn't changed. Most of them still look the same, although some features had sharpened or matured (and some had already packed on the "freshman fifteen"). At most, they had started embodying that old college tradition: women start cutting their hair, and men stop cutting theirs.
No, what had changed wasn't a matter of a few pounds here or a shaggy head there. What had changed was something less definable, but no less noticeable.
Every one of them seemed centered. They carried themselves more quietly, more assuredly.
I had never realized how differently I carried myself from my students until my students began acting like me. (Then I felt ancient.)
We talked about things - our past, my present, their futures. They told me how odd it felt to come back. The teachers they had seen each day had aged dramatically - six months in the blink of an eye, just as they had aged in ours. The kids at the school – even the seniors – looked so little to them. And I saw something flicker in their eyes when the lunch bell rang and the kids swarmed through the halls. It wasn’t quite sadness...nostalgia probably comes closer.
Nostalgia for school bells and hallways: further proof that life can be odd.
I felt both sad and proud while speaking with them - more the latter than the former, for obvious reasons.
But I realized that what I knew - what I had known - of these students no longer really existed.
I was part of their past now, not their present. I was another piece of their snakeskins.
That's not to devalue myself, nor to minimize the role I played. Some of them thanked me sincerely for making a difference in their lives. Others told me that they really missed the opportunities they'd had in class to get to know everyone, that they missed smaller class sizes and the chance to know their instructors. But that realization highlighted an interesting disparity.
We’re fascinated by snakeskins. We love stories, love figuring out how people become who they are. We treasure memories, connections, legacies.
We're so fascinated by the skin that we rarely contemplate the snake who sheds it. But the snake lives life, not the snakeskin. The stories the skin preserves as physical record happen to the individual.
It is hard for me to accept that you're leaving, just as it was hard for me to accept it last year, and the year before that, and the year before that. I don't think it will ever be easy for me. This year, for a variety of reasons, will be harder than the ones that preceded it.
But I take heart in the knowledge that you'll carry pieces of the class with you - that this mattered to you. And I know I'll keep other pieces - student work, the letters I receive from those who still write, even the old blogs I refuse to delete once each semester ends.
I’ll always remember what you'll end up shedding - all that you'll leave behind.
But I've discovered I’ll probably be prouder of the person you become.
We're reading ...And the Earth Did Not Devour Him - a novel about, among many other things, displacement, identity construction, loneliness, fear, voicelessness, and the little things that make it all worthwhile. It’s a collection of snakeskins, some fragmented, torn, and broken, others kept virtually intact.
Looking over that list of concerns again, I can say that those things pertain to Slaughterhouse-Five, Never Let Me Go, or 1984.
But more than anything else, it sounds like your freshman year of high school in a nutshell. Your first years of anything – college, work, friendship, family life – involve many of the same concerns.
I've told you before that you were on the edge of a golden opportunity, an opportunity that never presents itself this readily again: you have the chance to rebuild yourself, to shed the things that you’ve always wanted to shed during high school, to start anew as the person you’ve always told yourself you were.
This is less a time for fear and confusion than a time for unbridled excitement. I’ve always tried to encourage you to be self-aware and creative, and to notice the ways that each influences the other. Now it’s time to put everything you’ve learned into practice.
So you’re at a weird point in time. You’re losing pieces and picking others up, reaching backward and forward all at once.
If we’re picking up the pieces as we leave…what will we build?
And will we recognize our faces in the mirror when we’re finished?
Who is the person you want to create? What will they be like?
What will you keep?
What will you discard?
What will you acquire?
Are you going to be eager to let new people into your life, or will you reflexively push them away?
Are you going to yearn for home, or eagerly seek out a new life for yourself?
And will I recognize you when you visit?
This post is due at 11:59pm on Thursday, May 26th.
Because this post is worth twice as much as a typical blog, your requirements have doubled: you will need at least four seven-sentence paragraphs for your entry. As always, please try to post insightful, specific, and polished pieces. Punctuation, grammar, and mechanics all count towards your grade. Compose your replies carefully, and always remember to state the why for every what!
As always, you are not required to respond to every question.
For this post, written feedback for two of your peers is required! Congratulate them, praise them, ask them questions...reach out! There’s no comment limit for this thread, so if you feel like talking to your peers, follow your instincts! (You can even do this for anonymous posters; they’ll be reading the thread to see how you respond.) Check your work to see if someone left feedback for you, and start conversations with your readers – and classmates!
As always, write well, think well…and good luck.
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A couple months ago, I went to a music scholarship competition with three other classmates at the Marriott Hotel. We sat in on one of Arcadia Rotary's meetings. It wasn't anything interesting. There was food, singing, lots of laughter; people talking about Casino Night and honoring certain people in Arcadia, and the teacher of the month--Mrs. Leonard-- was being awarded. Mrs. Leonard, Mrs. Leonard... I had heard that name before. Then I gasped. Mrs. Leonard was my second grade teacher. She had more white hair and seemed shorter than I remember. After the competition, Mrs. Leonard came up to me with a big smile and reminisced the past with me. "You're such a wonderful piano player. You've always been so amazing. I remember when you asked me to come to one of your piano recital's in second grade." I did? I couldn't remember.
Ever since seeing Mrs. Leonard again, I spent quite some time thinking about the past. I keep trying to picture my past teacher's faces, but I can't quite remember. I try to remember what people were like back then, and it seems a little off. I want to hold on to my memories, my past, because those are the stories that make me who I am. And yet, time won't fulfill my wishes. It's not a matter of capturing these moments with a camera for me because it won't tell the times that Mr. Pisula (my elementary school principal) would call me "peanut butter girl" because that's what I ate every single day during lunch in elementary school, or how I felt when a guy asked me to a high school dance. Whether or not I want to, these memories slip away until they are completely discarded from my mind.
If somebody asked me a few years ago who I wanted to be when I went to college, I'd say, "Somebody completely different. I hate my life." Now, I'm not so sure. My life isn't picture perfect, but there are elements of it that I cannot let go. I cannot picture leaving my dad, my mom, and my sister on the West coast when I go to the East, only because my parents have never left my sister and I alone by ourselves for more than an afternoon. This summer is the first time I will be left alone with my sister for two months because we are going to Taiwan by ourselves. Will I freak out? Will I miss them? I hope so. That's what scares me: that I'm not going to miss them at all.
I'm excited to go to Boston and meet the people there, but I think I will miss home also. Thinking about the things I'll be missing is depressing. I won't be able to wake up to my father's nudging. I won't be able to smell my mother's delicious cooking. I won't be able to fight with my sister every day anymore (except we kind of stopped when she went to college four years ago). I can't let my home and my past impede from reaching my potential. To me, however, life is all about changing the surroundings. I'm curious as to what I'll be like in Boston, with the cold weather and the smaller Asian population. Hopefully the geographical change will bring out sides in me that I didn't know about myself before.
I look forward to going to Boston because I'm excited to explore the city and meet new people, but I'm probably most excited to get a glimpse of what the future me will be like. I'm not going to deliberately change myself in order to be like Bostonians, but rather let my environment naturally do its thing. All I know for sure is that I have a goal, and I'm not going to let the typical college life take over me. When I come visit, Feraco, you're going to say, "Wow. Look at her and what she's done. Amazing."
I think, at first, all of us want to be someone completely different when we leave to college, untit is actaully time and all we can grasp is who we were and the experiences we had. Once everything changes, that is the thing that will bring peace of mind... going back to where we started and remembering.
Hm.. i agree with you when you said that what you feared most was that you might not miss the people that you are leaving behind. That empty feeling when some sort of void is not filled is something that i as well, think that i will lack when i leave home. As for forgetting, i understand almost precisely what you are going through, its just that i went through it a while back. memories, for me, cant seem to stick. I tried to think of my teachers and other related things like you did but they just dont come. The fact that everything we are going through is temporary and eventually might become meaningless to the people we will turn into truly angers me. I still haven't found a method to remember everything precisely as it is because, like mister feraco said, our minds change the images and experiances wer go through. It's kind of scary really, the fact that everything we remember might be a lie that we've fooled ourselves into believing. But well, sorry, I've seem to have gone off on a tangent. But i think what i wanted to say with this block of nearly pointless text is that yes, i agree. The future will change us, shape us into something that we might not possibly want to be but like you, i wish to look towards my future with bright eyes and an open mind. Thank you, i truly enjoyed reading your post. Good Luck.
Its sad that I don't really remember much about Mrs. Leonard and Mr. Pisula. When I was reading your post, it was really strange because I went to Baldwin Stocker. I knew these names but I couldn't put faces on them. I remember the names but not the people. The memories really do slip away or maybe it's just because I was so young. I just hope my high school memories won't be lost so easily.
Juliet, I totally know what you mean... How you are afraid you are not going to miss the things you leave behind. I am too afraid of forgetting the people and experiences that have made me who I am today. As we get closer to the finish line I am realizing more we have only completed chapter one. We will continue our lives. We will meet more people who alter our perception of life, and experience things we never dreamed of doing.
As the end of high school approaches and the start of college begin, a sense of unfamiliarity begins to arise in me. Ever since I was a young freshman, I have kept many things, both physical and mentally. Even now, I have been using the same backpack since 6th grade, and I always kept my most important morals intact. But now as I live through senior year, my morals have changed; I have changed; Everyone has changed. But there is a certain thing that will not change. Those are our memories. We will never be able to change our memories; we can only lose them. Memories are what make life so valuable and precious to us.
Because these memories are so priceless, it is what I will be taking with me into the future. Without the bittersweet memories of my high school life, my college life will feel nonexistent, as if it is just another high school all over again. But things will be different as well as the same. Our personality changes, our behavior changes, our morals changes, our bodies change, but memories are the iron bricks that hold our walls together. It is not just high school memories that I will be taking with me to college however, but it will be the memories of all my friends as well. All the special laughs and familiar faces of my friends will be held in memories forever. And just as time always pass, so do memories. But this is where yearbooks come in. They serve as mementos that preserve our memories and time. I have always thought of them as expensive one-time use books, but that is not the case. They serve as a remnant of our past, and a reason to succeed in the future.
Just as we keep things from our past, we will also throw away things from our past. There has to be a balance. We cannot always have our ways with life. Just as we keep new memories, we lose old memories. As we grow older, we tend to mourn with the memories forgotten or missed, yet we do not appreciate the new memories that we gain. What I believe is part of our lesson for our senior year is to be able to let go. This is the hardest obstacle some may face as of right now. Being able to let go of your friends and familiar faces and trust that our memories will be overwritten by newer and fresher ones that will bring greater joy to our lives.
Apart from memories, I will also be discarding my old and past self. However it is not a self destruction of myself, but rather a rebuilding of myself. This process has started and is in motion ever since we first started attending school. However this rebuilding is most emphasized during our senior year as we near graduation. I will be leaving behind some of my own personalities, but as the cycle of balance continues, I will gain new personalities and attributes. Thus, the things we lose, the feelings we miss, and the personalities that we discard, will all be renewed and added upon.
Graduation is coming up soon, our goals are set, and we will soon be forced to graduate without knowing what hit us; it is like sitting in a roller coaster ride that you have never been on before and is forced to experience the thrill.
Even though you aren't finished yet, I agree completely with you statement about having to move on. We all have to do it. "Out with the old, in with the new" exactly fits this.
I really liked the part about how memories could only be lost part. It really makes me think about how I might forget most of the the things in high school.
I agree with how high school is just another reminded into our lives. Nice job in starkly contrasting between college and the days filled with change.
You ever look in the mirror and cannot quite identify yourself? I mean, you recognize your face and its features, but somehow it does not seem like it’s really you, or at least how you see yourself. Alternatively, when you look at a picture or hear your recorded voice. It never sounds or looks quite right. That is probably because you see yourself how you want to be, or worse off then you actually are. I do not want to create myself; I want my experiences to shape me and slowly evolve and mature into a new, better person. It’s easy to look at another person and see something you think would like and try to implement it in your life, but I don’t want to create or build myself based off another’s experiences or life. However, I must admit that is difficult to see myself changing. In fact, I am not really one to believe people change. I think people just grow wiser, gain more experience, and slightly adjust with that. In addition, if they did “change”, I feel like they were always that person but for whatever reason felt like they had to front as someone else. I do not want to be anything than what I am. I like my sarcasm, my music taste, my hobbies, etc.
As far as friends go, I understand that some people are only in your life for seasons. When the wind blows hard, you will lose some friends and gain others. Friendships are not based off how long you know each other, but the connection you have just like romantic relationships. Time does not always equate to the severity of your relationships with someone else. There is no reason to turn your back on people who ready and willing to be your friends. Use these opportunities, grow and experience! One thing I can say about myself is that I am always willing to experience and try new things. I never want to change that. It really brings me brief bursts of happiness to be able do something new and spontaneous with new people.
I feel like life is a solo journey, no one can live your life for you. You were born alone and will die alone. That being said, there are always people who will aide your journey, such as family. With a family, comes a “home”. However, I have always felt like home is within me, I am my home. My “home” attachment does not lie with my family, friends, or the houses I grew up in. I have always been an independent person and pursued life independently. Of course, there will be times where I will miss things that you have as a child that you cannot carry into adulthood. That is all apart of growing up. There are more things I will be glad to leave behind then carry with me.
Ultimately, we never really know what life will throw at us. I may encounter things this year that will drastically change me, or I shall remain the same. I can’t really imagine coming back to a place I loathed so much. I could only imagine a feeling of emptiness rather than nostalgia. The memories I carry with from this school are few and forgettable. If one thing I’m hoping I can change is that. I do not want to feel like I wasted another four years of the next stage in my life. If I were to come back to visit you Mr. Feraco, you would probably recognize me. I mean how many 5’10 female black students have you ever at Arcadia? All joking aside, I’m in no real rush to change. I’m not waiting to re-invent myself after high school. If anything, hopefully I’ll just be a wiser, mature version of myself.
Sometimes we just have to remember that High School is just a short stage in our life, and there are far greater, more important things that lie ahead of us. High School isn’t really an ending; it’s more of a transitional period from being a child to a young adult. For those thinking that they will forever leave high school in the dust, I think they are a little naïve. All the annoying things about high school will just grow with you. Graduating doesn’t instantly change a person. So for those who think that will get to leave behind drama, gossip, judgment, stress, restrictions, etc., just know that all those things will always be present in your life, and if anything gets worse with age. I think that a change is the way we deal with these things, and that’s what matures us. So if I had to pick one thing for the class of 2011 and myself to acquire would be tolerance, respect, and dignity. And I think we should all leave behind the immaturity.
I agree with you about time not always being an important factor in a relationship. If you are just going through the motions with someone for years, it does not really amount to anything. It's like that one quote, "Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away." You can take a million breaths, but maybe only one of them counted. I think it's so important that we all make the most out of our lives and relationships. It gives us more opportunities to let our true character shine through and let everyone know who we really are.
I liked the part about how we cannot recognize ourselves in the mirror. I could really connect to that.
I agree on you when you say friends are like seasons. Some really do come and go, but only the real ones stick with you for a life time. I also agree with you when you say that family is attached to you. I like your points because they're straight forward.
I have a really similar outlook about life. I'm going to go into college by just living life like I usually do. Sure, some things will be different but I will always still be the same as I was. I will still have the same personality, just modified by new experiences. I think that we can't really plan for what we will become. I found a lot of what you posted to be true.
I really like what you said about not wanting to create yourself based on other people...realest ish posted up in this blog.
Everytime I look in the mirror, I feel like I just woke up from a dream. I picture myself being a lot better person than I really am; then the mirror shows my true self. I understand what you mean when you say we shouldn't create ourselves. We should let our experiences create who we want to be. Our actions should define us.
Skye, every week when we are assigned blogs, when I read yours I find myself constantly agreeing with every line stated.
I love your view on friendship, I find it extremely realistic. As much as you want to believe that friend you have known forever is your best friend, friendships are not defined by time. I can totally relate!
I agree with Skye, high school is just a start of a great adventure, you will have more great memories in life, but you will never forget where this adventure started from.
As I head toward the next chapter in my life, I know it is like a blank page for me to mark what I please. My future is ultimately my choice and those choices I will soon make will become a part of who I am and eventually become a part of who I was. We are always changing, maturing, and evolving into the person our life has molded us to be. When I go out there in the Real World, I do not wish to be any different than who I am today; I am proud of who I am. I think of myself as a piece of clay right now and life as a pottery wheel; I am in the process of spinning and life is shaping me. There is not a doubt in my mind that the clay does not have bumps and that the clay is uneven, but the more the wheel spins, the smoother the clay becomes. I am proud to be a strong individual who is determined to achieve my dreams; however, as I live more life, I know there are certain characteristics I have that eventually change. Such as, letting things be, choosing your battles, or not stressing over the little things. These things all become more apparent to us as we mature.
There are certain aspects I know I do not want to keep in the “future me.” I hope to become more patient and less bossy, definitely slow to speak and a little quicker to listen, and learn to prioritize my time rather than consume myself with little projects that are not important. There are many things that I would like the take away from what I currently do, but it is a continuing process; we live and we learn. Though age is never an excuse for any type of behavior, I know I am still on my pottery wheel and the more I’m spinning, the more I’m being shaped into the pottery I’m supposed to become; I’m living life, experiencing more and more situations outside of my high school bubble, and I am learning.
As we let certain characteristics and habits go, we also discover more of ourselves that we strive to strengthen. Eventually those are the characteristics that begin to define us; those are the actions that we allow to consume our beings and hopefully for the better. I think we are different people for different periods in our live; at some point, I will need to be the strong Jaslyn, at another I will need to be the patient Jaslyn, I will need to be the nurturing Jaslyn, the determined Jaslyn, and so on. We go through things and discover new characteristics that grow as we go through life and they become more apart of whom we are.
Clay cannot be shaped, molded, or spun without an operator; without and individual pressing to mold the clay, it cannot form into the pottery art it is capable of being. In life, many people who go in and out of our lives for seasons. We may not always understand why, but soon enough, we will. This does not mean there needs to be any burnt bridges in life; it simply means some people are in our lives for a lifetime and others only for a short period. For this reason, we need to welcome each new face that crosses paths with us. Be excited to meet new people because you do not want to pass up the opportunity to learn something valuable by understand another individuals thoughts, life, and history. Each individual that enters our lives will play viable in influencing who we become. Not accepting new people into our futures will only be a sad representation of an individual not letting go of their current life to move forward.
Life is a gradual process where we learn and we go. I am eager to seek out the future ahead of me because I know that there is one. As my father always says, “You are capable of anything you put your mind to.” I know that if I believe, I can achieve. I am excited to fulfill my dreams and set new goals to reach in my life. It is a systematic process; we set goals and we achieve them, we set new goals, and then we achieve them. With each achievement in life, we not only gain the fulfillment of knowing our capabilities, but we also gain wisdom through each failure in the process. Before a pottery is ready to go in the kiln, it goes through many changes; there may even be some cracks in the clay as it begins to dry out, but in the end, some water fixes it and it is capable of become that pottery. We will fall sometimes and we may feel like we are falling apart through each challenge we face in life, but we have the capability of overcoming becoming the individual we are destined to be.
With all of the change, I am hoping to expect in my near future, it is inevitable for me not to reflect and miss my past. Our past reminds us of where we come from and if we forget that, we forget who we are and how we became that way. I was not always the ambitious, driven girl I am today. It was only 5 years ago that I was a shy, small town girl from Alma, Michigan. It was not until I moved and went through a new change in which I discovered a new me. I was able to come to the realization that there is a bright future ahead of me and that there is a future beyond getting married and pregnant at a young age and staying in the same town for the rest of my life; I had an opportunity to succeed. However, I know I will always be an Alma girl and I will always remember where I come from; that is my way of staying humble and remembering where I am was not where I once was. Michigan has played a huge role in my life to this day, and in less than a year, when I am sitting in my room in Sydney, Australia, I know that Arcadia may not have the same influence as my hometown, but it is where I lived out my teenage years; years that shaped me into who I am today.
We are all going to be different than we were in high school. We think we know everything, but we are not in the real world. I may have some experience of knowing how things really are from working when young adults, but I will never know until I can actually experience for myself. Though my personality will always be recognizable, I know, especially moving to a completely different country by myself, I will be more level headed and I know the journey right before me will be one where I will mature. When I come back from school in Sydney, I will not be the naïve, high school student, but someone who has a little more experience under her belt and a little wiser than when I left. I may not have the teenage or child like internal and external characteristics, I will always and forever be Jaslyn.
I agree with how you said that deep down inside, we will always be the same. Our level of knowledge will probably change but our attitudes and minds won't.
Yeah. I think it is so true; we will always be the same person deep down inside, we just learn and hopefully we become wise enough to be a mature version of who we are today in the future.
Your post was really, uhmmm... how do you say it... invigorating? When i read your post, i felt as though you were one of the few people who seemed to be truly ready for what lies ahead. You seem to be comfortable with what is going to happen and confident that you will be able to climb over any hurdle. This confidence really shines out in your post. The uncertainty and anxiety isn't present. Reading this, i felt as though i was being foolish for worrying about the future and all the responsibilities and chances for failure that it holds. The metaphor of you being clay was actually spot on to what most of us feel like. It was fund to read, i hope that you achieve your dreams.
I really enjoyed your post for you seem fearless and confident for what lies ahead. This was a fantastic piece of writing, and i know you will accomplish your dreams.
I like how you compared yourself to clay! It is a perfect analogy. There are going to be bumps but as time goes on, it will be smooth. People adapt and become more comfortable as time goes on. Good Job!
There was something about your post that I absolutely loved. You're so confident about what lies ahead of you and I can tell you'll have a successful future.
I really love what you said. I feel as individuals, we will always be the same person. It is a person's choice to try to change themselves, which is extremely difficult. I find we don't try to change, instead we only try to make ourselves better by "adding" on new things such as information and experiences.
I'm really glad you guys were inspired by it & enjoyed it. Honestly, I am able to be confident about the future because I know how it is to live in an environment where people don't dream big or let alone go to college! A lot of you will understand where I come from when you move to the different schools you will be headed off to. Really take a look at how different life really is; take a look outside of your college environment & look at the city/ state/ country you will be living in. What drives the people? When you move to different places, your eyes become open to see all of the opportunities that lie before you. You may realize how much opportunity that California had or you may head somewhere that leads you to a road you never thought would have been possible.
We never know what lies ahead of us or what our lives will be like 10 years from now. When our eyes are opened to more opportunities, our dreams will begin to evolve; we may become more realistic, but at the same time, we are given the chance to dream bigger.
Jaslyn is right, deep inside we will never change, some things about us will change, but deep inside we will be the same person that we always have been
Moving on into the next chapter of my life, the person I want to create and make myself into is someone that is successful. I have always dreamed of being a wealthy businessperson for as long as I can remember. Watching all these television shows about wealthy and famous businessmen, or seeing a technique I think would enable me to make a profit confirms all this. So many people have influenced me in my life, and that can be for better or for worse. However, the one thing that people have not been able to change about me is my perseverance. It is something that is hard to understand; I do not stop trying.
I think I am going to acquire a lot of traits and skills I will need to be successful. This is extremely vague but it really is that simple. I will truly become a man when I just “get to that point.” It is interesting because sometimes, when you hit that “point”, you just know it. I guess it can rather be like an epiphany. That does not mean that I stop learning though. I think that just means that I get to a point in my life where I feel like I have everything set out for me. I really look forward to this because I want to be an independent person as I always have been.
Furthermore, I am going to be eager and let people into my life. As a businessperson, I will need to build an extensive network. Of course, I am not going to just use people and build my network. I truly believe that friendships in a network are the most important because these are people that are connected and can relate to you. They will know what you need, want, what you attitude is like, and so on. The most successful businessmen know how to utilize their resources and adapt to their surroundings and the world of business, since it is always changing. New people are new friendships (hopefully lifelong ones) and new opportunities. There is also an opportunity waiting right around the corner.
Next, of course, I am going to yearn for home; but I am also extremely eager to get out into the world, learn, expand and do business. You can never stop learning about business because it is always changing. My home is what made me, me. Nothing can ever change that because my childhood was filled with events and occurrences that have led me to choose my profession. However, as of right now, the new world offers so much more. I want to get out there and just be me. I feel like this career field really suits me and I will like it very much.
Lastly, when I come back to visit you, I think that you will still recognize me clearly. Physically, I will probably still be the same, if not close to that. However, mentally is going to be the part that has changed. I will have gained a lot of knowledge I need for my profession doing business. Whether that translates into using fancier terms of language or just my body gestures, everything would be projected out and into me as a person. You will probably be able to see the changed me, but also the preserved me. I am going to take everything you have taught about life and academics and carry it on to the next step, college. You have taught me so much in so little time. And now, I realize that it is time to move on. It really is saddening to think about but that is how it is. We all have to move on, work hard and be successful at the next level.
You say you aspire to be successful, but will your aspired wealth guarantee success?
Also, you wish to come back and for it to be apparent that you are knowledgeable; however, is it knowledge that you want to show forth after all of your experience or will it be wisdom that you will crave? Just a couple things to think about…
The questions that this blog is asking of me remind me a lot of building an making an avatar. You know, the dress up games on the internet or the iTouch where you can choose your hair, your clothes, facial expressions, and make-up. You can add extravagant accessories like diamond necklaces, and change your background to the beach or a big house. With these virtual makeovers, you can be whatever race or height you want- you can choose your body type, and the shape of your eyes and nose.
Life isn't really like that though. Sure, you can get plastic surgery if you want to rearrange your face, or put a smile on so people think that you are happy even when you are not. However, underneath the fake expressions or the make up, you are still *you*, unlike your virtual "avatar." I have pondered the idea of who I really am so much over the course of the semester, and it has reflected upon most of my work. I feel like every assignment I do for this class, I am a step closer to answering this question. I have tried so hard in the past to conceal certain aspects of my identity. I have mixed and matched so many things on my avatar, to cover up what was really there. I realized that I do not want to do that anymore. I want my avatar to look exactly how I look, and portray the emotions that I really feel. I want it to have the accessories that I can actually attain, and be in an atmosphere that I would really like to be.
I'd like to keep the good things about my personality. I feel that I am trustworthy, and very considerate of the people I care about. I'd like to hold on to those things, and never change them about myself. Nevertheless, with the good also comes the bad. I am horribly impatient. I can be very lazy at times too. I have many bad habits. I hate when people tell me what to do, and I like to make up my own rules. These are all things that I would like to lose and change about myself. I'm hoping that as I mature even more in the coming years, I will.
I know that there are also some people that I will have to let go of in my near future. People that do not do anything good for me, and it will probably not be in my best interest to keep them around in college life. On the other hand, there are a select few people in my life that I hope to keep around for a long time, and have done nothing but make me a better person. I plan to do everything in my power to make sure that these people are here to stay. I feel like if these people were taken out of my life, a part of me would be missing, since they are so close to me. I could not have that happen. I am also eager to meet new people in my future. I have met so many people in my 18 years of existence. I can't even imagine what this next chapter in my life can hold for me in that department.
I guess what I am overall trying to say is that I will continue being me. My appearance may alter over the next few years, and maybe I will acquire some new skills or shed off a few bad traits. But underneath everything, I will still be beautiful, imperfect me. New experiences will shape my life, and future tragedy may mold my character a different way. Whoever I become, it will still be me. I guess when people ask me who I am now, I will be comfortable answering "I am just me."
I really like your prospective on who you are. So many individuals go through high school and think "this is where I will find myself!" and then they go through high school and realize that once they graduate, they need to discover who it is they will be in the future. The pattern soon continues into college where they will think "THIS is where I will find myself!"
The truth is it's hard to go searching for yourself when what you have been searching for has been within you all along! We need to realize that who we are is who we will always be. What I mean by this is that we are capable of changing different characteristics of ourselves; someone could be completely malicious and after living life and growing, they can soon turn their attitudes around and become a sweet person. This doesn’t mean that they are someone else now, it just means they discovered what it was that was inside of them all along and "discarded" what they realized was not necessary. The first step in becoming who we are meant to be is accepting ourselves for who we currently are today; like you said, we may change throughout the years, but we will always be the beautiful, imperfect individuals we were born as.
For Ty Ty, Latrelle, and Mommy…
We only have 11 more days, 71 hours and 35 minutes (60 hours and 24 minutes for those seniors without a sixth period), and 146 bells left to ring. Then graduation.
What the heck? I remember the first day of freshman year being, yesterday. Walking into work with my mom, going to the original A hall front office, and realizing that this would be school for the next four years. It’s a funny thought. The school that was home to us freshman year has physically changed as much as we have. This school has grown up as we did. Walls have moved, figures have changed, and placement is all messed up; but no matter how much the school has changed, we’re still scared to leave it. We are leaving behind a home. Especially for us drama kids who practically could live out of our lockers…even the lockers on that bottom that don’t open. As much as it scares me to leave this place, I know I’m ready.
After we all got casted for Guy & Dolls (the second week in January for those who don’t keep time off of rehearsal schedules) I felt little attachment to school. I felt like my snake skin was ready to drop off of me, but I was confide by my time left till graduation. I spent most of my rehearsals confused about who I was and what I wanted to be when I left this place. I forgot to enjoy the rehearsal process, and my time left with crazy Volpe; “I AM THE DIRECTOR!” It wasn’t until my last day of the production, in circle, standing there holding Tyler’s and Meen-ag’s hands, that I started to miss how much this place had once meant to me; but what really got me, what really made me realize this was the end, was seeing Tyler cry (Tyler you can kill me for this later, I’d even understand if you took away my graduation hug). His tears were like my final good-bye. It was after that Saturday production that I began to really feel my old Arcadia skin shed, and I started to say my final good-byes to AHS.
Now I know I’ve already been changing, but I also know I have a lot I want to continue to change. I want to be heard at Citrus. I want people to look at me and see confidence, but not arrogance or an ice queen. I may be a leader in the theatre, and I’m loud as can possibly be, but I’m so sick of giving ideas and being shot down. If I do theatre at Citrus I want to be respected by not only my director, but by my fellow thespians. I won’t be walked over anymore.
Same thing goes for my academics. I’m going to stop standing in my own way. I finally want to let my inner geek out and be as smart as I know I am. I know that I have so much more school potential, and I want to really start to believe in myself. Sure, when I was a little girl school was hard, but I let myself be tricked into thinking that made me dumb. I know now, I’m not the stupid white girl I always thought I was. I owe that to this class. English has always been my favorite subject, but it wasn’t until this year, with Mr. Feraco, that I received my first A in an English class. I want to try and keep that trend as I move forward in my education.
I’m also looking at Citrus as a portal into a new world. I want to meet new people. I don’t know how I would do it on such a small campus, but I want to do the advice given to Jamie Griswold, by a mysterious Andrew with no last name, and make a friend a day. Now this doesn’t mean that Ty Ty is getting out of our monthly lunch meetings; but it does mean I want to branch out and meet people I haven’t known since I was five. It’s going to be hard to get over my fear of speaking to new people, but I think this will be a really good challenge for me. It will help me in the future; maybe.
Now the most important question, will Mr. Feraco recognize me when I come to visit? I hope not. It sounds silly, but I want to walk into that classroom next year and have Mr. Feraco not know who I am instantly. I want to have changed enough that silly little high school Shebly isn’t visible on my face. It won’t be just because I went insane with having semi-long hair and hacked it back into a bob, or the fact that it will probably not still be this dark color it is right now; but that I have matured into a thinking, working adult. I want to be seen as more of an equal, less of a student. I don’t want to be forgotten by Mr. Feraco completely, but I want to be different enough that it takes a little more time than instant to recognize who I am.
I want college life to change me just enough to fix the few imperfections I feel like I have, but I don’t want to lose myself in that process. I look forward to watching every senior graduate on June 10th and I can’t wait to hear about the amazing things we will all do in the future.
Break legs class of 2011!
I really enjoyed, as always, reading your post Shelby! Your sentences flowed elegantly and effortlessly, you're paper ran smoothly. It was direct, passionate, insightful, and excuted beautifully! I always look forward to reading your posts, keep being awesome Shelby!
Shelby, your post is so inspiring. You have so much confidence and don't seem scared to move on from high school. I truly admire that. You seem to have so many goals for the future and are ready to be successful.
Thank you for dedicating this post partly to me and don't worry I'm not mad that you said I cried, I'm pretty sure everyone does.
I loved reading this. You showed who you really were when you wrote this and i loved it. A lot of what you said was going through my head when i was trying to write my own blog response, but the words werent coming out in mine. Nice job Shelby!
I like the detail and overall wording of your post - it's something that I can't consistently get right. Regarding your thoughts on leaving high school, I wrote about similar things on a previous blog but I'd say that you more or less captured the thoughts that I either forgot to express or couldn't express well on my post - I'm glad that we as students share similar thoughts on this and I'm even more glad to be able to see my own thoughts in clear words.
They say that time flies by quicker when you're having fun, but to be honest senior year wasn't really what I expected it to be. I'm not having that much fun, or maybe I just don't realize how much fun I'm having. I'm not really sure but these past months have gone by like weeks. I can't even see myself graduating in a few weeks and perhaps that means that I'm just not ready to move on yet, or maybe that I just don't want to accept it. There's a lot of things that I don't want to accept such as leaving behind a lot of friends and rarely seeing my family. Not to be a Debbie Downer but let's just face it, I'm probably not going to see 95% of these people I walk by daily. I don't want to look back and see my memories at AHS as a experience that I don't really care about, because that's how I see middle school. There will be many memories that I'm going to just look down on but at the same time there are many memories and experiences that will bring me to tears, tears of joy of course. My experience at Arcadia High started out pretty lame, and too be fair, I was kind of expecting that. I went to a small private school during junior high and I was one of thirty one eight graders. I didn't know anyone coming into High School and my experience started out slow. I saw it as a disappointment but surprisingly things changed as time progressed. I met new friends and some great teachers *cough cough*, and yet I began forming a new image of myself. I wasn't really sure about who I really was and I felt that a couple of my friends knew me better than I knew myself. One week, I would be listening to AVB and the next I'd find myself listening to The Smiths and Ladyhawke etc. I was a puzzle and I just couldn't find the right piece. It's the same up to today, I'm not exactly sure who I am but I'm not looking to create the "perfect me". I'm just looking for something that I can believe in because I can be so easily persuaded that I'm not sure I'm devoted to something I'm passionate about yet. I'm looking to find that peace of mind and to find something that I can truly become passionate about.
I'm a pretty shy person and I have been trying to get that out of me for years. I told myself that I wasn't going to be shy when I started high school but from what it looks like, I failed the promise that I made to myself. I've realized that I have to work to reach those changes because those changes won't just come to me. I don't know how many of you notice but I don't look people in the eye that I'm not comfortable around and I try to escape conversation. I definitely am afraid of the future and to adjust into a whole new life, the whole snake skin thing is just frightening. Suffice it to say, there's a lot of other things I'd like to leave behind. I have a really obsessive personality, so once I like something, I pretty much just get hooked on it. It's not necessarily all bad but it's more harmful than helpful. My obsessive personality has led to many things that I regret and sometimes, I just think to myself how stupid I was or what the hell I was thinking. I'm not even sure exactly what the future brings or if it's even good, but I'm a little far behind if I ever want to achieve that certain measure of grace that I'm looking for. There is one quality of myself that I'm grateful to have. I know that I may not be the smartest person around or the most welcoming at times, but I know that my actions are sincere and that I am altruistic. For that I can thank my parents for instilling the proper values into me. I do my best to think of others without thinking of myself, but sometimes I don't follow through with that and that bothers me. That's also something I need to work on.
People enter my life and leave, that's exactly why I said I won't see most people from High School after graduation. Most of the people I know are just acquittance's and I haven't really made close friendships with the exception of a few people. For those that I have made close connections with, I don't really speak too anymore. I try to see the best in people but things don't always work out, and I never see myself reflexively pushing others away. I've been thinking of my future a lot and have been really wanting to move out, but I just don't think I'm completely ready yet. I will do what needs to be done though and I know I'll miss my family and home a lot, but we all have to make sacrifices. I'd like to start a new life because I do feel that I've made many mistakes in the past and certainly the years to come will be the best time to make a change. In the end I don't think I'll recognize the same person I see in the mirror today. I've said that I'm always changing and I do think that I just need to find the "correct me" and find the proper beliefs. Sometimes I get the feeling that I'm a different person one day to the next but I'm hoping to find the right peace of mind.
I'm hoping that you will still recognize me when I visit but I am a bit skeptical about that since you did not recognize me when I got a haircut first semester. On the other hand, you may see a different person, not physically but a more sincere and unfeigned person. Maybe you will recognize me as the same person or I may seem older. I might even act like you so you can feel even more ancient. I also do agree with Jaslyn that "we think we know everything, but we are not in the real world". We all still have a lot to learn and I'm looking forward to what the future brings.
I was shy as well when I first moved here; and believe me that I respect you by not being shy of what your principals are and just sharing your ideas with the rest of us. Keep it up and believe me that the shyness goes away on its own, just place yourself in a position where you are not allowed to be shy, and that experience will do.
I remember when I first met you in Bishop's English class. I always force myself to look at the other person when I talk to them, but I could still improve in that area. However, when I first talked to you, you never looked back, so it was really awkward to talk to you. Then I realized that I am talking to a slightly altered version of myself. We both obsessively played wow, though at different points in time. We both have/had trouble looking at people when they talk. Moreover, we are really lazy. When two similar people like that interact, it could be frustrating. For example, when you obsessively talk about WoW and I don't particularly care about the subject matter, it's extremely difficult to change the topic, and I don't want to resort to verbal abuses. Or when I try to get you to do something and you never move an inch. The same thing probably applies to me as well. It's pretty hard to find people so similar to myself, so I hope we don't fall out of contact after graduation.
Senior year was not what I expected it to be either. Also, I am not having that much fun either unless I am not realizing it too. Its still weird to me that I never thought of you as a shy person like I knew you since we had ACI together and I never saw you as shy until just the other day you told me you were. Like when you pointed out things to me that you do or don’t do I then started to see that you are shy.
Walking through the halls these weeks has been really frustrating, I walk by and I see kids that I met in kindergarten and kids I met in middle school. These kids that even though they are taller than me now, changed their hair color, and fashion style. I still see a small part of them that allows me to recognize them. I say that I have been frustrated because most of them use to be my friends; most of them use to actually say hello once in awhile, and most of them had not lost themselves in the crowd. The loss of identity leads us to forget those that have been there for us; it seems that if we loose our identity we loose those that go with out identity as well.
I began writing this and I noticed that just as much as these kids have grown and changed their identity I am too guilty of these effects. I look through many of my scrapbooks and I notice that my face looks totally different. I have lost part of my identity, how? I have hidden my face under make up, letting my hair grow and transform, and when most have their glasses become a part of them, I let them go. I have changed in order to be accepted, by friends and family. Even though I am aware that I loose myself with every change I make to myself, I keep doing it; searching to find my true identity that was lost with all the other identities that have come and passed through my life.
I compare myself to a picture of myself 11 years ago (wow I never imagined saying that) to my image in the mirror. I am still Brenda Ivone Cruz; I still have brown hair, big brown eyes, and a mole on the top of my right cheek. The difference is that the brown hair is washing out the dyed part, the big brown eyes are hidden behind the mascara and eyeliner, and my mole has moved just an inch to the left. In other words I have grown up, gone through stages that have led me to dying my hair, wearing make up to look older from the rest, and I have grown into a body of a young woman. Just like the kids I see in the halls I am no longer a child, I have grown, matured, changing my identity in ways I cannot even begin to remember but that are responsible of forming me today.
I walk through the halls and feel frustrated thinking whether or not they are thinking the same thing, whether or not they recognize me, whether or not they are too dying to say hi and reminisce our past. I also feel frustrated when I begin to think why I wanted to feel and look older when all I want today is to be young just for a day. Live with no worries, and enjoy the day noticing what color the sky is, not if I am going to fail a class or be accepted by my friends. Why is it that it takes us eleven years to realize that were we are today is what we always desired, but now that we are here we want it all back, recess with punch ball, tag, and the monkey bars, coloring in classes, and singing for our teachers and parents at our holiday assemblies.
I am looking forward to a new beginning. I have learned so much from myself this year. The past years I have always given my attention to what my parents or teachers have taught me, The flaws that they pointed out constantly, but this year I found my true identity, discovered my true passions, my true flaws, and what I aspire the most in life. I am graduating in a few weeks and all I can think is that I am thankful that I did not have it easy, that I had so many identities. Because in the end having it hard made me know the value of what I have now, having different identities formed the person I am today, a strong, mature young woman; who aspires to make a difference in the world helping one person at a time, hoping that one day my voice is heard and I make a difference. Although I dyed my hair and wore make up, some how this year I am gaining back the Brenda that once existed, dark brown hair, big brown eyes with less make up, and the one who believed in herself and in what she believes in, without letting anyone put her down. I am very proud of myself because I am doing something that I wanted to show those who did not believe in me, I am continuing my education, and becoming some one better than what they had in mind. I do not do this to rub it in their faces…well kind of just like a victory dance…but more importantly I did this to find myself through all the criticism, and judgments. With the help of those who gave up on me I am gaining back the Brenda that has dreams to become someone in this world and make her family proud.
I can relate to your first paragraph. It is weird seeing people that you used to be friends with walk by and neither of you even give each other a friendly glance. That is just the way that life and time work. People start changing and they grow apart from who they used to be and who they associated with.
I want to create a hard working, goal driven, and honest person. Basically I envision myself as my dad... My dad is a financial advisor and owns his own business, Colton Wealth Management, and on a daily basis personally manages over $50,000,000. In that line of business there are so many opportunities to take advantage of your clients and exploit them for their money. Because its so complicated- stocks, life insurance, annuities (whatever that is...), etc people do not really understand what they are doing. Because of this many financial advisors, according to my dad, take advantage of their clients and have them buy useless things that turn out huge profits for themselves but have no effect on the client. I really respect and hope to be like my dad one day because he is the most honest person I know. He does not exploit his clients, he tells them the honest truth about whats happening to their money. I ask my dad sometimes why he does not get into selling some products that would provide a substantial increase in income, and his reply is always, "because its not honest". I know my dad already makes good money, but in a line of work where he could potentially make millions of dollars a year by a few dishonest transactions he still choses to be true to his morals. I really respect him for that and I really want to be that way someday.
I am really eager to let new people in my life! I really want to create a network of people from all over the world, all walks of life, different religious beliefs, and different jobs. By doing this not only will I have lots of amazing friends but I will have many people to turn to help to for different situations. I think its important to always get advice before doing something that will effect your life and with different people from all over I will have no shortage of advice. I also really like listening to stories and learning from others. With people like this at my side I can hear all kinds of stories. I can learn about different things as well from their stories. Imagine what you could learn if you were friends with doctors, lawyers, scientist, accountants... there would be no shortage of stories and good information you could use.
I will be starting out a new life for me starting the first day I leave home this summer. I can't wait to leave because college is the first step towards my future, where I begin carving out myself to be what I am going to be for the rest of my life. I really cant wait to find out all of my skills that I would have never know I had had by living with my sheltering parents. I plan on using every opportunity to grow and learn so I can be a well balanced person with many handy skills. I also want to develop my social skills while I am at college, so when I am out in the working world I will be able to easily get my ideas across to my coworkers.
I think that when I come back to visit I will be mostly the same person. I can't see myself changing because I have no reason to. I like how I am now and I do not want to change. The only thing that will change about me will be my knowledge. As I attend college I want to learn as much as I possibly can so I can have as successful of a life as I can have. Other then that I plan on having the same attitude and the same personality. Its what makes me and I never plan on changing myself.
hm... I enjoyed reading your optimistic post. How you look at the future is so vastly different from how i glare at it. Your father seems like a truly good man. I admire you for trying to be someone so moralistic. I hope that you will eventually achieve your dream and move forward in your life. But i cant help but ask if you want to have the same job as your father as well. The temptations that he would experience on the job must be quite large.
Throughout the four years that I have been at Arcadia High School, I could say these were probably the best four years of my life so far, but I have yet gone to college, so I cannot necessarily say that. However, the time spent here was very memorable! The excitement of being a “Freshy”, the dull life of a sophomore, the craziness of being a junior, and the bittersweet ending as a senior. I specifically remember when I went to the freshman orientation in the North Gym in 2007 and how after the PowerPoint presentation was concluded; in big words it said Welcome Class of 2011. Those words at the time didn’t make me feel joyful but rather made me feel somewhat depressed because I couldn’t bear to think how four years of schooling could be fun. However, I got over that because I knew I couldn’t avoid it so I went with the flow. Now that I’m only a couple weeks away from walking down the aisle to shake the hand of someone I never met, I actually can’t believe that I went to school with an attitude like that.
I would have to say that the person that I would create would be someone who doesn’t feel lazy most of the times and someone who is much MORE goal oriented. Throughout this year, I have seen myself become more and more lazy, but I didn’t know why in the beginning. But now that the second semester in about to end, I can definitely say that Senioritis was the culprit. I know that it may feel great to take things in stride now, but I know that once I hit college, there will be no laziness allowed and all that wasted time doing nothing would have such a big impact on me. Feraco’s idea of drilling us with writing assignments so we won’t get soft was actually ingenious in the way that it actually made my mind work harder; especially with those philosophical baselines. Thanks Feraco!
The laziness of my senior year and some of my other years attributes much to me being goal oriented in the way that when I don’t feel like doing anything, I don’t do anything. Don’t strive to do more than is required. Don’t strive to make my extracurricular better. Don’t strive to get more A’s. This laziness has to be one of the things that I regretted the most out of my years at AHS. Perhaps in college, I’ll get rid of this horrible disease called laziness and enforce a stricter lifestyle. I can’t imagine myself as the type of person who would stay in the dorm rooms all day, but the goal of creating a better me has to be spending more time in the books then going to frat parties. TOGA!
I know I cannot change the past, but I do know that I could change the future and its outcomes. I wouldn’t say that college is just going to be all work and no play, but if I were to live a comfortable lifestyle in the future I would need to change my habits in college so that I could live the life I want. Changing my study/personal habits is going to be tough, but I know I can get through it. As of keeping anything, I would probably keep all the memories I have of the easy freshman year and strangely, the way the school looked like before renovations. The way the school has transformed is quite similar to my case because throughout the renovations we would always need adjust to the detours and all of the imperfections it had, but now that it is complete, we stroll through the newly built halls and think; Wow! This is nice! I know that if I work through all the hardships of college I could ultimately be that new structure.
Jeremy, looks like you have senioritis too! Hopefully by the end of your break you'll get motivated.
I like how you accept your past and present life. Live life with no regrets! (:
I feel your pain Jeremy. I have been pretty lazy these past four years but I really do want to change that about myself as well.
Also, I think it's great that you can accept your past and live in the present. We all need to accept the past even the mistakes because that is what makes us stronger; knowing what we did wrong and how we can make it so that we don't make the same mistake twice.
Another victim of Sloth... I am pretty lazy too but I like how you are going to change, hopefully I can do the same too. I am probably going to be too lazy to change my laziness.
“It was nice having a class with you, I’ll definitely keep in touch with you!” “Let’s get together this summer before you leave!”
These false promises were written all over my 5th grade yearbook, the year before I moved to Arcadia. Out of all my San Jose classmates that pledged to be my "friend forever", I have only reconnected with eight of them on Facebook, and I have only visited two of them over the course of 7 years.
We will not see most of our classmates ever again. We might have a fleeting chance encounter at a supermarket or reunite at a reunion, but we most likely will not be able to enjoy each other’s company the same way we do now. Life goes on in this way; people briefly enter through our lives to play their role and leave. We attempt to pull them back in, but sometimes our paths just cannot cross.
That being said, I hope people realize that just because one does not stay in contact with you does not mean that he or she has forgotten about you. Looking back at our elementary school days with my two San Jose friends, they brought up memories that I have frequently replayed over and over in my head. I myself have remembered reminiscing about certain incidents that have had an impact on me, no matter how small they are. And I truly am thankful for those people for shaping me into who I am today.
While I will reach out and keep in touch with a few close friends as I enter college, I am eager to meet new people and experience different personalities. It is because we are influenced so much by our encounters with others that I plan to open myself up to a wide variety of people and become tolerant of individuals that seem to be on the opposite end of certain spectrums in regard to myself.
Thus, I will not stay the same. I am still far from becoming the person I want to be. Hopefully, I will be unrecognizable when I return to Arcadia High to visit. While I plan to keep the confidence I have in myself, I hope to become much more mature. I hope to be energetic in everything I do in order to rid myself of my procrastinating ways. I hope to become more knowledgeable in what I plan to do, instead of blindly following a path that has no discernable direction. Most importantly, I hope I will learn to embrace failure. As of now, I am quick-tempered when it comes to failure and cannot accept it, whether it is a result of my own action or other people’s. On the positive side, I recognize this flaw and hope to mend it for the sake of my future self and coworkers/colleagues.
I am definitely excited for college and will cherish the journey through which I meld myself into the person I become years later. As of now, I wish to make the most of the time I have left with friends I will not have a chance to talk to in the years to come.
It's great that you are able to move on without holding onto the past.
“We can never turn back the pages of time, though we may wish to relive a happy moment, or say goodbye just one last time, we never can, because the sands of time continue to fall, and we can’t turn the hourglass over.” – Unknown
Hardy, to my understanding, moving to Arcadia was not a decision that you automatically stood by...is that correct? If it is I just hope that you are settling fine around here. I have never known a life outside of Arcadia, unfortunately. The "false promices" that you had mentioned earlier were not meant to evoke resented feelings, in my opinion. Rather we say that at the time because it just feels right. Nonetheless I have to agree with you, about crossing paths. Although we would like to pull close friends back to our world sometimes its just not destined. When we transitioned from middle school to high school I could not understand why I wept. But now I truly understand. Most of us are sorrowful that we are growing up, going into the world where we are leaving our younger forms of ourselves behind. I suppose this is the right time to say that we ar "picking up the pieces" of our past and framing it on the wall; for the future is now the present.
I remember my friends back in Taiwan and how they said they'll keep in touch with me when I moved to US but only one friend kept in touch with me.
Life is filled with so much mysteries. I want to embrace these mysteries and challenges as an adventure that I can solve. We will never know who will keep in touch with after high school, but it is also up to ourselves to make continue the friendships we have made.
Unless you have true friends, all those you meet or hang around in school will disappear as you move on with your life. I can relate to your 5th grade story. I haven't talked to anyone from 5th grade and probably never will. Life takes people on different journeys and the journey you desire should be the journey you take. Be yourself, help yourself, and lose yourself doing the things that you love.
I’ve had a great deal of loss throughout my life, and I am fully aware that every individual has the same. We as a species have cried, dealt with the erupting anger within us, and shouted with joy on various occasions. We do not realize that we are building ourselves each day, or on the other hand, the fact that we are deteriorating. My parents have constantly reminded me to “forgive and forget” the people who have done me wrong, so to speak. But is an individual truly able to forget the past and let it wander away?
I want to be the strong person that excels for my younger siblings so they have a model to follow. On many occasions, I have been the weak link and looking at them through those tears is the toughest challenge yet. Constantly I am reminded by the haunting failures that push me to succeed and prevail. I want to create the person in myself that is able to emerge from the bottom and climb to the top without any fear. We all have secrets that we shade and bury in ourselves, which later become the scars that show in our adult lives. But like a mask I have to cover them up, so my siblings are able to see strength. During the younger years of my life, my three siblings and I were always together. We never left each other’s sides, and as ridiculous as I looked, I was regularly the “monster” in their fantasy world…chasing them around the playground. Nonetheless, on one occasion there was a boy that had pushed my younger sibling in order to steal a ball. At that point, I had lost all control. I was not myself, not calm or rational. I became the true organism of fear. I remember that time so vividly; there was nothing to stop me from inflicting pain on others for those I love. The adrenaline in my body at the time, was replacing the blood that should be flowing. That was the first time that I had acquired the protective factor of myself. But I had failed. The bully had gotten away with what he wanted from my siblings and I never forgot. Since then my siblings realized how protective I was, and I suppose that is something I want to keep. I mean…who wouldn’t fight for a loved one?
As for my parents I want to be the daughter that can survive in the real world. I want to show them that I can be successful. All that my parents truly wish for is that their children end up happy. For my friends I want to become the person that is there during a time of distress. If a crying shoulder is all he/she asks for, then I have two and two hands to provide comfort. To my teachers I want to be the student that he/she can depend on to be a good example, and to answer the question in a moment of silence. To my boss I want to be the worker that is able to bring in income and to market and market well. Through this…
I want to create a person that is strong and beautiful.
I am hoping that I will be all that I can be. That is all I am wishing for more or less, to be happy with myself. I want to keep the traits of myself that reason and display compassion. Nonetheless, there is extra baggage that can be discarded. I know what needs to be and therefore will definitely try. As for the loss (mentioned in the beginning), I realize that it is not something I can discard, but rather an experience to learn from. My past is something that I do fear at times, and I do want to give up on it. When I go to school everyday people do not see this, rather they just see the person on the outside. There are those spurts of people that can push two and two together, but I hide well. At least I hope so.
I want to acquire the strength to forget my past. I truly do.
Nonetheless I have been told not to let it bother me, or just to move on. I suppose that is all I can do right? I am eager to meet new people, even more so than before. I remember when I used to be the shy person that didn’t speak to anyone. I would rather spend my time talking to a stranger than being alone honestly. All I ask from new people that I meet is to just be honest. And as much as I want to discover those people I am not allowed to grow my wings. I do yearn to be with my family but I crave for the search for myself; which is undoubtedly a strong urge.
As for you Mr. Feraco, I will leave that to your interpretation. My skin and my heart would not have changed by that time. But, I am almost 100% sure that my perception and thought process will be different. As I look at my former self and what I thought, I am quite amazed; and frankly I am proud to become such a mature thinker. You have showed me that I do have true potential, and with that I will explore the world. There is not much I ask of a teacher, but for you to have faith doesn’t only push me…but the senior class. Congratulations Mr. Feraco, you have impacted the life of so many seniors and therefore made one of your marks on the face of this Earth.
Arcadia High School has changed all of its students, from heart to soul. I can’t thank my parents enough for allowing for me to have this experience, good or bad. The people that I have met and the challenges I went through will never be forgotten. These days have been difficult for me to get sleep; I am just keep wondering when the last day for me to wake up to attend Arcadia High will be. Thank you to those who made an impact in my life, it has been quite a journey. When that last day comes I’m sure we will all shed a teardrop or two…as I am now. Until then let us be strong, let us prevail, let us be Arcadia High Senior Apaches of 2011.
I can relate to your struggle in trying to become successful so that people won’t have to worry about what you’re planning to do with your life. It is great that you are doing your best to reach your fullest potential rather than just ‘trying’ and giving up. You may not agree with me but I personally believe that you are a strong person. You have always been an awesome friend throughout these years. Even when I least expect it, you would be there at times of distress... May you find success and absolute happiness.
She stands above the world with hands resting on her hip. A smug smile spreads across her face as she tilts her head back and cackles maniacally...
The person I want to create does not let other people bring her down. She pushes away the negatives out of her life, if necessary and lives life with a contagiously positive attitude. What she wants is what she gets. If she does not like something, she openly states her mind. That is my person. I want to be just like her though not completely.
Throughout these four years of high school, I had learned to let go of the things I had been clinging onto. I find it difficult to be independent when there are so many skills I lack. I always feel the need to become better, brighter, stronger…and when I do not reach that desired level, I get so frustrated with my given limit. Watching my peers run towards their dreams in huge strides makes me feel small and insignificant. I could not help but envy them from afar as they become the brightest of the dozen stars.
Every now and then I would tell myself that “independence is key.” I tend to fall back into the pattern of relying on my family and friends when times get hard. Honestly speaking, I still feel like a child when I look out into the world. I get frightened by the realities of the working world though I know I will make it soon enough as I take baby steps.
As for what I will keep, I do not like holding onto something I know I will lose sooner and later. I rather hold onto something permanent, something that I can take away with me as I go on this trip through life. I despise that feeling of dread when my focus point (motivation) is blurred. I prefer to not hold onto anything as I move on with my life. It is a burden to take my past with me. I want with a crisp white page not a stained one that is filled with misery and guilt. Out of all of that, I would most definitely take with me the happy memories and good times so that I could look back and not regret my past or future.
I know that I will meet new people every now and then. I’m not afraid of cutting off my ties so that I could move on. It is all part of life, if we do not move on then we won’t be able to mature and expand our knowledge. I guess it is supposed to be difficult to leave the people we have connected with for over four years but I personally don’t think that it should be. We will eventually have to do it sooner or later as we make our move through life.
When we all graduate, I will leave behind the grudges and gossip. Gossip is the main dessert when it comes to certain conversations. It’s obviously childish and hurtful. For high school, it is a kind of entertainment for those who like to express their feelings by backstabbing. It is only temporary for about four years then after that, no one cares if you are fat, stupid or plain boring. Everyone is too busy with their own crisis to deal with a simple yet cruel joke.
I can’t say that I am excited to leave home and live far away from home. After all the endless amount of pressure, I feel nothing. I am accepting whatever comes my way. Part of me feels that it would be an entirely different story when I graduate and get my diploma. Even though I assume that I would not feel anything, I feel I might go wild and party when I’m done with this.
what you state in you post is almost precisely how i felt when i first full recognized the fact that i would eventually have to move on with my life and step onto the uncertain grounds of the future. I empathize with how you state that you always felt frustration when you failed to achieve what you set out to and confronted you limitations. The anxiety and nervousness for leaving what is comfortable and stable to entire an entirely different section of life. I cant help but understand the need to have something or someone to fall back to. When i read everyones posts i cant help but be jealous with how prepared they sound. How excited they are to move forward.
When you state how you do not keep temporary or non-permanent- bonds, i couldn't help but agree more. Everything that doesn't last seems so transparent and temporary a feeling of pointlessness seems to encompass my mind. Well, your blog was fantastic, and for me, more relatable. Hope that you get what you want.
I too am afraid of what is to come in my life. I'd like to start a new life and learn new things, meet new people and such, but there's still that pinch of fear that may hold me back from fulfilling this new life.
However, I do believe that I think independent will open more doors for us in the near future.
Ever since senior year started and I realized that I was going off to college my eagerness from college turned to fear and then to resentment. In junior year, college to me was something that I looked forward to because it meant freedom, independence and a challenge to make the right decision. I was eager to leave home and be able to make my own decisions without having someone behind my back to tell me what to do or criticize my decisions. I was eager and I wished that I was a senior already and ready to graduate to start my new taste of freedom. But as junior years slowly fades away and rolled into my senior year, I started to look at college differently because I started to think about what happens during my college years and what is going to happen after college where the ‘real world’ is supposedly a harsh and cruel reality. It started with fear like how am I going to make new friends, what if they don’t like me, what if I make a fool of myself, how do I know I am ready for the real world, if I make a mistake, I am going to be all alone.
At a young age I had a hard time making friends. For some reason the friends I make always ends up leaving me in the end and it seems that I am not able to have a ‘true’ friend. However it seems to get better when I started middle school, but that is not the point. The point is that I am very self conscious and self critical of myself. I don’t really try to approach people. The friends that I have now were once strangers that I feared when I did not know them. It took many years to trust them and approach them with my own feelings. Even after one or two years hanging out with them, there is always a part of me in the back of my head waiting for a moment where I might be betrayed and so only at spontaneous moments will I let myself put my guard down and if I feel that there is tension between us, I would automatically put it back up. It scares me to make new friends because it is hard for me to trust other people. There are many secrets that I would never tell any of my friends. I would only give them glimpse of information when in the long run would not come back and bite me. I think it does take a long time to build trust between friends and every day I try really hard to loosen my guard down only to bring it back up if I feel tension with one of my friends.
I am also scared of classes. I don’t want to add my name to the list of college dropouts. It is shameful because not only my parents put so much effort towards my education and extracurricular activities but also myself. I have worked really hard and tirelessly these past four years and to give up and drop out in college is shameful. I put so much effort and time in order to make sure that I have a great education and I fear that I might have a meltdown in college which would make me irrationally drop out of college because of one horrible bad grade. I lived my life thinking that there are no such things as second chances. My life and decisions have to be like a bullet. When you fire the gun and the bullet shoots out, there is no second chance to put the bullet back into the gun and pretend that nothing happened. To me, college is like a gun and making it through college the bullet. It is only a one way trip. It is either that I graduate or I fail. I think that many people might feel this way and one personality of mine that I hope to change in my years of college and in the real world is that I want to become more optimistic rather than critical and pessimistic.
I once told my aunt that I think my self esteem is going down. My aunt replied that I never had one in the first place. I believe that this is some what true. I am so self-critical of myself that even if I let go of myself there is always a part of me that is observing and waiting for me to make a mistake. In college, I hope to discard my irrational and spontaneous personality. I feel that I always do things without thinking and then self-criticize myself horribly afterward. I want to be a person who is confident and walks down the road with her head held high. I don’t want to be the one sitting alone in the corner of the room however, I fear that I might not be able to be like the person I want to be. To be someone with her head held high and confident seems to me like a far unreachable dream. My aunt once said that my dreams are small and that I should dream of bigger ones. However, I feel that if I am not willing to let myself go and become more confident then I can’t go for bigger dreams. I feel that it is better to think more pessimistic in life that way if life does go wrong then it wouldn’t hurt as much then if I was thinking more optimistic. I guess overall what I would like to acquire in the future is to be able to think that there people in the world who would not hurt me and that it is okay to stretch out my hands and ask for help sometimes. I want to believe that by the end of the road, I will not be the only one there.
Just three more weeks until I graduate from Arcadia High, hopefully when I step back into campus, I would be a person who is confident and more optimistic.
I can relate to you about everything. I'm scared of college; I'm leaving behind my friends (except for my best friend who will be only one hour or so away from me in college...Heh heh heh...) and start anew. Back in middle school, I moved away from my hometown and had to literally start from scratch. I, too, had to make friends and, fortunately, it was somewhat easy for me. I feel that you'll be fine in college (provided that you can befriend someone who will act like a mother... And remind you of the things you need to do...)
The part about failing in college really hit home too. I've had one cousin drop out of college because he realized that he didn't know what he wanted out of life. He still doesn't. I don't think you should believe that you are a failure if you drop out. You just need more time and experience. You just need to walk more of the journey that you have already started. Things take time.
I could say much more to you, but I'll stop here for now.
Wow Michelle, way to compliment yourself. Thank you for reminding me that I will have a friend that is one hour away and that I would see them every weekend. cough cough
During my time in college, I would definitely miss someone who is a mother figure to me and reminds me to not forget anything since I have the worst memories.
Yes. I have, unfortunately, experienced your horrible memory. cough cough
By the way, continue to praise me (and yourself)!
Don't hurt yourself Michelle. Sometimes praises will get you no where and just make you more overly......vain...a nice way to put it..in a very nice way!
I agree with you. I moved away from my elementary school as well as my hometown. However this separation is what has given me the great privilege of attending Arcadia High
Although I do not feel the same as you did, I do know how it hurts when you are alone. And yes it takes a seriously long time to build up trust between people. However you don’t have to be scared about that. First of all you have already learned from your mistakes, and you have to believe that not everyone around you is that superficial. As long as you are sincere to your friends, they will pay you the same thing in return. Secondly living in college and sharing things with others, especially roommates, will teach you how to go on well with others, and you will definitely make life-long friends in college. So don’t be afraid of that, and look forward to college.
Thank you for your inspirational words Nickie! I think that your advice does help me to become more optimistic about college! I hope that the new friends I make in college are as you said not superficial.
As the year comes to its conclusion life is starting to open another chapter in our lives. Some say this is where our life actually begins, other say this is where we begin “living” life, and there are those say that the road to the future is paved by our choices here. But at the end of the day the canvas is empty for us to paint our portraits, our dreams and aspirations that we want out of life. The possibilities are endless.
At first when entering the beginning of this year my first thought is that I will be an adult (in name and in deed) that I could sign my own absence notes and slack off and just wait until graduation to be free. But as I progressed through the years I noticed that my dad stopped signing permission slips, doctor notes, and any official documents, I had to put my signature where he once scribbled his illegible name in. At first it was just “eh it’s my signature” just another chore, but as the year progressed I realized that my dad wasn’t going to baby me through anything else. That I had to actually go and confirm my own doctor appointments, call the DMV for my license, and look online for apartments or a job. And little by little things start to fall into place not only did I truly get a taste of what its like to be an adult, in a sense I kind of liked the idea that I was truly in control. The person that I was at the beginning of the year has changed so much when I look back it’s almost like I am different person. The person that I am today is in a way self sufficient but it’s not where I want to be, I want to be someone who can rely on all the things that I have learned. I want to be someone that at least someone will admire (maybe some freshmen because for some reason alumni/seniors seem to blow their minds).
When the smoke settles what I want still there is hopefully a piece of me that will never forget what it was like to be at AHS. There are a lot of good and bad memories that I have at this school. But I want to keep them because in some weird way these scars and moments of ecstasy have molded me into the person that I am today. They played a huge part in my life; they shaped my decisions, dictated if I was friends with someone, and which classes that I was going to take. But at the same time I want to let go of this past and hope to enjoy the future in all its glory. In a way I want to let go of the past and focus on the future but that’s like letting a part of me die. So hopefully I will acquire new memories that help shape me into the person that I want to be. And I want to discard the things that I am ashamed of but at the same time remember that they still in some very small way defined who I was. And when I come back hopefully you won’t recognize me right away. I want to know that I changed in such a profound way, in a way that lets me become the person that I want to be.
Wow Kevin...this was excellent! From beginning to the end you kept me engaged and I couldn't stop reading! When you said in the beginning " But at the end of the day the canvas is empty for us to paint our portraits, our dreams and aspirations that we want out of life. The possibilities are endless." I was immediately thinking "Wow that is deep!". It was truly a beautiful and well written piece! Thank you for posting something so personal, inspiring, and beautifully created, Kevin!
I totally agree with your first ideas in that after graduation life does not end and our fun years aren't out the door we just start the second part of it. Simply a page break in the book and we are going to continue to fill the pages as each day goes by. So many new doors will open up following graduation and so many new experiences will come about. Life is exciting, so even after we graduate, we will continue to live it up and get the most out of what we have. We truly deserve it.
I have always taken life moment by moment. I never really think about what I will like in the future, I just keep living. It is difficult for me to really say what I want to build myself to be because I am not used to trying to plan things. Personally, I think there are just certain things you never see coming. I don't think you can really say what you will become. These last 18 years have shaped me in ways I could've never foreseen. Things happened that I could never have planned for. Yet, I ended up a better person than I was before. I became: more confident in myself, more outgoing, more knowledgeable, more easygoing, less demanding, etc, etc. I have built up ramshackle foundation of random experiences and traits. All this happened not with careful planning or decisions but rather just living life trying to keep to a few core principles and ideas.
It may seem like all I do is live in the moment but that isn't exactly correct. My perspective is that life is not something that you can fully control or predict. The best that can be done is to set yourself guidelines and a way you want to live. So what do I live by? Well, I try to always improve myself if possible. I also strive to be open to new ideas and people. I try to be as easygoing as possible but not to the point of laziness. I dream to succeed and contribute what I can to society. I want to be a friend to as many people I can. I attempt to be confident in my ability but realize my weaknesses. These are just some of the things I try to hold myself to. So, my plan for college is to keep improving and hopefully build something I can be proud of. I will work with my goals and dreams in mind. I will take things step by step, and hopefully my steps will lead me in the right direction.
Change is inevitable. Yet, change very rarely announces itself. So, I can't really say what exactly I am going to acquire. I also can't really say what I will shed or lose. Change is unconscious for me most of the time. I do not notice how exactly life shapes me. I just evolve and mold myself into what I need. Pieces shed themselves without me really even knowing. Things become a part of me, without my interference. Whenever I talk to my parents about the past, they always say how much I have changed. They say how different I have become. My response is always "Really? I never noticed". I can only see the change when someone else mentions it. I will change, but there are certain things that I remind myself not to lose. Things that truly define my core. I remind myself to keep my principles and beliefs. I remind myself to keep my family close. I remind myself to try and connect with people as much as possible. These things I will not allow to fall away so easily. Change will come and if I live like I usually do, the changes will be for the better.
Graduation will be a crossroads between everything I have been and everything I want to be. Doors will close but others start opening. The past is important to me but the so many more opportunities are coming. I will miss high school, no doubt. I will miss everyone who have been a part of my journey for the last 18 years. I will cherish what has been but look forward to what will come. Next year will be a time to seek a new home and to start a new journey. It will be a time to meet new people and to discover. It will be a time to explore and improve. My journey has not ended, it has just changed roads. Life after graduation will be a continuation of life before it. I will see what lies in store for me. From here, the future looks bright.
My perspective is that life is not something that you can fully control or predict. The best that can be done is to set yourself guidelines and a way you want to live.
I completely agree. Planning out exactly who you want to be and where you want to be in life is such a bore, and your plans can be thwarted by life. (It's like in the movie "Lucky 7", when the girl believes she'll marry her 7th boyfriend because her mother drew a life plan for her before she died. In the end it doesn't end up like that, but you could've guessed.)
I do the same thing too. I know what my principles, limits, and boundaries are. I know that I want to be successful one day, and that I'm not willing to let one stupid mistake get in my way. I think all a person really needs is a goal, and maybe a few checkpoints along the way, but not anything daunting like "I wanna pay all my debt 3 months after I get out of college" because that's really hard. I hope you get what I'm saying.
At the start of high school I didn’t know who I was or what I wanted to get out of high school. Schoolwork and friends were the only things in my mind. I was especially nervous to go to school on the first day because I thought I was going to get lost at such a big school like Arcadia, but I wasn’t as scared and nervous as I thought I would be. Let me rewind a little bit.
Before high school even started I joined Colorguard. We had many, many, practices throughout the summer and even on weekends. I didn’t know what would come out of it except that it filled my VPA requirements. I was a little timid at first because I didn’t really know anybody except for my small group of friends. I thought “the big bad seniors” and the other upperclassmen would pick us on. To my surprise, they were all very welcoming and helpful. We spend many days and hours together. We did fun games and activities in between practicing and that was really fun. It made us bond like a family. In addition, we were in little squads. We were able to meet and hang out with our squad members outside of practice just to get to know each other and to become closer as friends. Then the week before school started band and colorguard went to band camp in the mountains. That first year was definitely the most memorable. By the end of the trip I was overwhelmed with joy because I have gotten to know so many people and had made so many friends. It was great because I wouldn't be as scared on the first day of high school anymore.
I definitely learned a lot throughout my years in high school. I’ve learned who my enemies were, who my true friends are, and who will always be there for me no matter what. I will most likely want to keep all of my friends that I have made throughout my high school career, but I can’t. Almost all of the seniors will be moving on and some going out of state for college. It will be a challenge to keep in touch with them. Luckily, most of my friends are staying in state so I will be able to contact them with a touch of a button.
There have been many, MANY, rumors floating around about me throughout high school. There has been so much drama and unnecessary fights with friends. I don’t care about any of the “rumors” because I know that none of them are true. I can say that I have a pretty bad reputation amongst my peers because of all of these rumors drifting around. (I really don’t know why any of this lands on me because I don’t talk to half the people who starts them.) It kind of sad actually, but as long as I have my real friends, it’s all that really matters. When I graduate from high school and go onto college, I want to leave all of this immature high school stuff behind and start out fresh and new.
I never really saw myself attending UCR for my undergraduate studies, but I’ve come to realize that it isn’t as bad as I thought. There are going to be a lot of people attending UCR in the fall and I am thrilled to meet new people. I’m excited to see what dorm life will be like. I can’t wait to meet my hall mates and meet new people. And I am for sure going to get the infamous “freshmen 15,” maybe even freshmen 20. I’m eager to explore the city, even though there might be nothing, throughout my freshmen year. Going to class on the first day will definitely be different but I think I will be able to adjust.
I’m really going to miss sitting in a classroom with only 30 students though. I’m also really going to miss Mr. Feraco’s lectures and life lessons. But of course I’m going to miss my home too, but not that much. I’m going to miss my mom’s cooking and my comfortable bed and maybe even the weather! UCR’s weather is going to be quite interesting because the campus is located in the middle of nowhere. I can’t wait to finally start out fresh and begin working on my future career and goals.
I couldn't agree more with your view on college. It will let everyone start a new page, a new adventure. I will also miss Feraco's lectures and life lessons for each of those seems like Inception
Four years ago, I wrote a letter to myself that I have yet to open. In 12 days, I finally get to read it. I am almost scared to open it. Only because I do not want to see how much I have changed. I know that I have changed, but I do not want to see. Sometimes I catch my parents just looking at me, and I know exactly what is going through their minds, but I play it off and pretend I did not notice. I can see how scared they are that I’m not their little one anymore. It is hard to admit to my self that I am not a child anymore. I find myself looking through old photos and videos of when I was young. I can’t look into the future because I am scared. I don’t know what it holds for me.
“Have you lost your way?
Livin' in the shadow of the messes that you made
And so it goes
Everything inside your circle starts to overflow.”
I still think of myself as a child. I don’t know when I can look at myself and think ‘Adult.’ I know that I am not the only one that thinks that. So many people are older and still feel like a child. Will I feel like an adult when I graduate, when I get my first job, when I go to my first college class, or when I get married?
I do not know.
I guess that we’ll have to wait and see.
I want to come back to this school and be recognized. All of the seniors that graduated last year came back and they have changed. They did a complete 180, and some bad, some good, but I still recognize them. They all kept the one thing that you cannot change no matter how hard you try, their personality. I know that when I come back people will recognize me because of my personality. That is something that you cannot change, and I want people to recognize me when I come back in a couple of months or even years if my teachers are still there. And if they don’t remember my face they will for sure remember my last name. Khwajazada, it isn’t a last name you come by that often.
I told myself that this was the year I wouldn’t dwell on the past. I did a good job of that except this is the year to look back on and remember the memories, rather than regret them. April 2nd, 2011 was a very important date, not only for me, but for Meena G, Shelby and Tyler. The four of us went on this journey together this year and to tell you the truth I could not have made it if it weren’t for them.
That date was our last ever performance up on that little stage. During our famous circle (which we started at three and ended just before six), I looked at my fellow seniors and every memory that I had at this school came flooding back. I felt my snake skin start to come off as everyone went around to say their goodbyes. I was the last person to speak and after all those people spoke, I couldn’t find my self to do it…the words that came out were words that I never thought I would say. That was the first time I went around and said my goodbyes. I looked at Meena, Shelby and Tyler and I thought to my self ‘This is it’ I didn’t want to let go of their hands because if I let go it means that time would have to go on. The three of them are a part of me and I don’t want that to go away. It will follow me wherever I go. That moment was a beautiful memory that I don’t want to forget. I never wanted to let them go. The second that all of our hands released, was a moment that will never leave me. And with each memory that I made, it will be a part of me like a tapestry.
“It had never occurred to me that our lives, so closely interwoven, could unravel with such speed. If I'd known, maybe I'd have kept tighter hold of them.”- Kathy Never Let Me Go
At the start of the year, I had absolutely no idea who I was and I was so scared that I was going through this entire year not knowing. Now that I’m in the final stretch of high school I have a good idea of who I am and only time will truly uncover who I really am. Maybe then I’ll be able to answer that question that you keep asking us… “Who are you?” The one lesson that I learned this year is to really cherish each moment and this year went by entirely way too fast. Those strings that Kath was speaking about are the strings I am so desperately trying to keep a hold of. I know that I have to let go of them at some point and yes the four Meena’s will drift apart, but not yet…I will hold on to those strings as long as I possibly can until my hands can’t handle it anymore.
Meena, Shelby and Tyler
I want to thank all three of you for being there for me when I needed you. This year has been an amazing year. Now I know that the four of us have had our good days and bad days, but all in all we’ve stood by each other. Thanks for all of the memories that you have given me, but its time for one last thing. We have to move out of this home and form another one. But you have to always remember where you originally came from. We went on this journey together and were going to walk off in the sunset together. June 10th…it’s almost here. Let’s cherish every sixth period that we have left together.
I love you guys.
Thank you for everything.
Shot by duck Meena. Your not supposed to make me tear up until next friday!
You know what the funny thing is? When I think about circle and when I think about you talking, I see you crying, me crying, everyone crying, and Nick standing there. I wish you could have seen his face when you thanked him. I think you almost killed him. It was fantastic (like me).
I have so many spazztic memories with you, and I want to say them all at once. I want to talk about being SD's, getting free cable from the cowboy, and how I somehow was always the one voted off the couch! We are family. Your not leaving me ever. If you leave me pyshically, i'll still have our crazy memories.
Thank you madame historian for an amazing year. I'll see you on the other side of graduation.
Do not worry this is only the beginning of the tearing...there is still a little surprise that Tyler is dying to know...but you know that i wont tell you guys cause then its no fun! And I cannot wait to see the Four Meena's at Graduation...that'll be a sight!(:
And yes, I saw nicks face. I honestly thought he was going to drop dead right there...hahah
I love the Never Let Me Go quote you used. It relates to us leaving here so well. Graduation is so close, and we can't make time slow down. It's weird, but it's bound to happen and what happens, happens!
Thank you for writing about me and don't worry we will all remember where we came from. Thank you also for counting money with me at lunch and during sixth period, and also for listening to me play sad songs on the piano.
Being able to recreate yourself so that you can take on the future isn't going to be cookie cutter. Each person is different regardless of their childhood or as they become adults and face the world. As for myself, I would like to create a me that can set his own goals for himself and achieve them. All I do now is do what I am told to do. I have no actual goals that I am truly interested in and want to complete with all my heart. He will be hard working because senoritas will no longer exist in that world. He will be a man. A man who will be outwardly the same as any other regular man out there but will be different in every way because of the person he was, the person he wants to be, and the people he has met.
Our own individual worlds are only made up of ourselves and cannot expand with only one occupant. The only way to expand our own worlds are to let it encompass the worlds of others. For my future world to grow, I would need to let other people into my life so that their world can be a part of my own. Each addition will make my world larger thus giving me people to rely on in times of need. There is only so much one can do on his/her own so let your world grow. The world starts with you.
With everyone changing as they grow older and move on toward the future, it will be hard to recognize people from the past that you haven't seen in a long time. But as things change and people change, there is always that one constant that still exists no matter how much time goes by. The way they talk, a physical feature, a little quirk that they always had. Some things will not change or go away like a whale's bones or man's wisdom teeth. Those special pieces of them are embedded into there subconscious and no amount of time will ever change that. These signs are the key to recognizing someone from your past. But will you be able to see them or will your memories of them be corrupt so you won't be able to.
After 10 years have gone and it is finally time for our high school reunion, will we be able to recognize each other? Sure we will be able to recognize our close friends cause we will most likely stay in contact with them but what about the others? What about our other friends and acquaintances? After 10 long years, people will change and memories will fade. For the people who are not close to our hearts, it will be hard to read the signs and recognize them when we finally meet. No matter how hard we try or how long we stare at our yearbooks trying to remember, it would take time to recognize the people of the past who have faded from memory and been replaced by new people. However even if there will be no immediate conscious connection at first, there will always be that subconscious connection that has been forged into an unbreakable bond. The future will come and our memories will fade but the bonds we forged and the worlds we linked will support us till the day we die.
I really like your last paragraph! Las ataduras (if you remember) will always be with us, even when we have forgotten. It's a very interesting concept that you forget people, but remember their influences on you.
I like how you provided a different outlook regarding a ten year high school reunion. I, for one, did not think of including people who were not very close to me in that scenario. However, looking at the old elementary yearbooks of my friends (since I moved here in middle school), I can see that many of my peers still look the same. Some of their personalities may have changed to an extent, but the changes aren't drastic enough to morph them into entirely new people.
I have read other people’s posts and cannot help but feel one thing. Envy. To look towards the future and feel nothing but excitement, want to create a new person and experience greater things. I think, if only I had that feeling.
For me, I am satisfied with what I have right now. I have no undeniable desire to move forward, but I do not fear the future enough to cling to the past. As I am now, I would be content if time were to freeze, with everything in its proper, familiar place. As graduation draws constantly closer, I hold my breath. What if the future is not what everyone hopes it to be? Every day, problems are created and every day, the answers that people come up with fall short. I cannot help but think, exactly what kind of world are we inheriting? Are we not merely rushing headlong into our own demise?
But alas, time continues to flow, people continue to walk away and become their own people, able to live away from who they have grown up with. They become unfamiliar. So I will walk steadily with the masses. I will walk across the stage during graduation and smile as I look towards the crowd; after all, I made it. But who’s to say that I won’t be sad? Who’s to say that I won’t want to rush back to the past? The future isn’t a pretty place to be. Unfamiliar and weighty with new responsibilities. Well… I guess, what I want to say isn’t so good but plainly speaking. I just don’t want to grow up.
However, I do have a person I am aspiring to be. I want to be someone who is comfortable being who they are; someone who can be proud to say their own name and identify themselves with their actions. I want to be someone who possesses that particular charisma that attracts people to them. Who I aspire to be is a person that can lift others’ spirits and support the people around them. In all actuality, I do not want to be able to notice the changes within me. I do not want to have to force myself to be who I want to be. The change should be slow and easy.
Going into the future – though in reality I am being shoved into the future – I want to lose the frustrations that I possess towards habits that other people have. Strangely, I do not mind a lot of the main things about a person, but what really bothers me are the small things. Such as if they chew gum and like to pop bubbles loudly. Or if they walk next to you but as you walk they somehow migrate into your direction, then push you into the street or something. I feel petty writing all this but I can’t help but feel some sort of deep aggravation towards it all. I hope to leave this frustration behind as I stumble into the future.
Though I have to acknowledge that I am not entirely uncomfortable being who I am. If I had a choice, I would like to stay the same. However, saying this, I think that I would like to leave the coward within me behind. I want to move into the future and progress with the rest of the world but the uncertainty stops me. If we were all to move into the future that we never expected, one more horrid than anything that we could have imagined… then what? But to take the first step is something that I would like to do f my own volition. Not quite sure why though…
As we all move on, out of high school, I think that I will allow many people to enter my life. The more people that there are in my life, the more I would feel like I had successfully integrated myself into society. To me, it is hard to feel as though I belong and I despise feeling as though I am in foreign territory. Control is shattered and I hate to wander around unsure of what needs to be done. To secure my place, I do not think that I would reject many people – there are some people in the world that I can never learn to like, no matter how much I change but that is another matter. This may all seem self-centered but I don’t think I want anything more out of life than to; feel needed and learn.
Homesickness is something that I have never really felt. I have spent days and possibly weeks – I’m not too sure – away from my family. Going on trips through programs and various camps but I always knew that they would be waiting for me when I go home. So I would like to say that I would not feel homesick but college, or the future, is somehow different. I feel as though when I graduate, my parents won’t feel as though I need their support anymore. I think that I will feel as though now that I have reached a point in my life where it is possible to support myself, with a kind of maturity, they think that I would not need them anymore. So yes, I would feel homesick. I would feel dreadfully homesick but there is nothing I can do about it. I would feel homesick for the past, when I was still allowed to be a child and cry into my mother’s arms, knowing that she would comfort me.
I will, though, move forward. Though it won’t be as eagerly as other people, I will seek out a new life for myself; a life where I won’t be aware of my loneliness or my sorrows. I will chase as fast as I possibly can, a method of life where I can be happy. After all, isn’t that what anybody wants? To be happy? Is that not why everyone is risking themselves and setting out to the vast but quickly shrinking earth?
Will I recognize you when you visit?
That, I don’t think is a question that I can answer. Memory fades eventually. Time disintegrates all and memory is no exception. Though I would hope that you would not forget me, at least for half a year, so that when – and if – I visit, you may be able to tell me how I’ve changed. I’m sure that I won’t be able to tell the difference within myself but I’m quite sure that you will be able to. Trying to end this morbid and slightly bitter post with a small joke with my severe lack of humor, I hope that you won’t be able to because by then I would hope that I would have lost quite a bit of weight.
Do I want to change?
Now let’s find out how.
Joyce i really agree with what you had to say about the uncertainty of the future. I too am afraid of what the future is to hold. I too am afraid of the person i may become. I'm glad there is someone out there for thinks the same things as i do.
I can agree with the feeling of envy looking at the perspectives of our peers. A lot of my friends can't wait to get out of high school, and although I'm looking forward to the Summer, I can't say I won't miss Arcadia High School. I have mixed feelings, but I don't want my life to change too drastically over this Summer vacation.
I really love how honest you were Joycey! You always write from your heart and when I read your posts I hear your voice like I'm actually next to you rather then in my room on the computer with headphones on. You were incoporated int every sentence of your post, it really did reflect YOU! As you are-your fears on what the future lies, wanting to stay in the past, and your concern for why you don't feel excited for the future. I felt I was reading your most inner turmoils and thoughts...you gave us a glimpse of your mind and with that I thank you my dear best friend! Even when we get older Joycey I believe will be best friends, I'll make it happen!(lol) Yu'll always be in my heart Joycey- I'll never forget you, what you taught me, what you shared with me about your life, and all the memories we share together. I love you Joycey, always, and will continue to!
Seeing myself in the future, I honestly only see myself changing just a little bit. This past year, rather this past semester, has been an experience that I find myself bewildered at. I've noticed my own change so much, and know that this is how I’ll tackle the future: with great determination and the ability to pick myself up. Going through the leisurely class of a TA and two art classes with other academic focuses, I watched people a lot, I watched the freshmen, sophomores and juniors, and ask myself, was I really like that? Was I the little freshmen that was kind of annoying with the last little energetic kid inside him? I recall know, and most likely a lot of us were like that. But now I completely feel the difference. I see myself in college, meeting new people and friends, working a job, become a person who I want to become. In choosing what to forget and leave behind me, my high school years, or rather all my years will most likely become something covered in dust, except for this one semester. I want to keep who I am though, keep whatever way I can contact the few best friends I have and probably the new ones I met this year. Getting just a little bit closer with my own graduating class which I've never honestly really done before, was a little fun. I don't really regret not doing it though, because I know that life will lead us down different paths.
The thing I want to keep the most though, are the experiences I had with Feraco's class, the class I had with Mr. Lamb and many other small moments this semester. Like I've said before in a another blog, I regret not having Feraco my freshmen year, also I regret not having Mr. Lamb freshmen year. But I guess it was still for the good, satisfying my high school life with late gratification isn't all that bad either.
Another valuable and very important thing to me that I will hold onto no matter what, is the girl I love who will continue to attend Arcadia High School for two more years after I graduate. Having met my girlfriend this year, it has created even more memorable events for me. In all honesty I had many chances to be with another girl, but from a memory of what Feraco told us, I'm the same where I'm not the kind of person who just dates any girl, but rather someone who I see I'll have a future with. I deeply love her and with this past year going on I've never argued or raised my voice at her, only spread the warmth of my heart, swearing to myself that I will never in my life push her away. Having her stand by my side is something I want to keep for the rest of my life.
What my hands reach out for and acquire are, in simple summed up terms, is something like a life where the people close and who I barely know, know my name forever, till I die, and till they pass. Using my art is the way I want them to know, because for the longest time, it has given me everything I've needed. Praise. Love. Fulfillment. And the list goes on. Of course there's downsides like dry spells and stress, but it has always been possible to get through it. Using my hands, I will ensure what I want is in my grasp. That goes for people as well, it seems weird to have that last sentence go for people, but the people I will meet will make the differences in life, and in the end I would want to keep those people that make those differences:
"You Bump into Everyone You Need in Life" – Kenjiro Hata
Seeing the future ahead of me, I believe the term home, is “a place where I can be myself”, so I won't yearn for it, but I will seek out a new life where being myself isn't that hard.
Mr. Feraco, I truly thank you and do a respectable bow for this past semester. You've changed my opinion of English for me and set the once thought dead writing hand up and ago. English in college won't be so bad anymore thanks to you, having you as my last English teacher was honesty the best for me. I loved your lectures and the pains of your class. I really wish Nina will have you as her Senior English teacher in two years. I hope for our path's to cross again in the future, whether it be at Arcadia High School or in a Renaissance gallery (for whatever reason I'm there). I don't remember if this was true or not, but word says that the last time you left this school, your students wore “Team Feraco” items. I will forever be labeled in the “Team Feraco” and will be taking the title with me, for it changed my life.
Great post Matthew! I couldn't stop reading till the end, it flowed so easily and fluently. It was like water to me going down my thoart so smoothly, it was addicting! Thank you so much for posting this lovely comment, you are a great writer!
Ahaha, thanks so much. I stil sort of think right now, that my writing is quite mediocre, so hearing you praise me feels good. Thanks a lot Sarah!
Sorry Feraco, I don't know if you left the school, but I know you got pinked. GO TEAM FERACO!
I feel like that quote is the perfect summary of my views on fate. I believe that there's only one true soul mate out there, and it's our own job to search as hard as we can for them. The rest of the important people gravitate towards us only because we wish it.
I agree with you. Senior year is the year I learn the most. As I get older I start to think about my past. I look at the freshmen, sophomores, and juniors, and they are like my reflections. Each year of high school changes me and makes me a better person. It will be hard for me to say goodbye. I wish you all the best!
By the way your girlfriend is in my 1st period. She is a really nice girl.
How much can a few years change a person? No matter what age, childhood to teenage or from young adulthood to adulthood, we change. We are never the same person as the person the day before. When we look in the mirror we see ourselves, but at one point in time even you must wonder if that’s really you. At our age we are developing, everyday piecing together fragments to create a better us. We are running to an end, and running to a beginning. How is it that physically and mentally we are a different person, yet still the same? We don’t wake up one day to find we are a different person, but we are ignorant enough to neglect the fact that we are slightly changing. Some realize its happening and some realize after it happens. We can see an end coming, an end to our omit and a new beginning with more obligation.
Most human beings try to strive for more than they should settle, because it’s more than just human nature to demand more. To become better we need to discard ourselves from what holds us back, and to become more we have to contend our ambitions. Although Life may be a lone path there are people who can change it. There are people that cannot be helped though, only they can help themselves. You choose what decisions you make, you choose to be who you want to be, and you choose to live the lifestyle you want. No person should take that, it’s only a race against time.
I want to become a different man when I grow up, everything my parents and I wasn’t. I want to become more than what people see me as. To reach a goal like this it takes significant amounts of sacrifice that not many people would give up. I am esurient but still human. A while back I wrote about hurting others for the benefit of myself, but the benefit of myself is for the benefit of others. I work and think in strange ways, but my morals and ideals are still good. So who do I want to create? I want to create what everyone wants to create. An all around better person, a different you.
What is it about the past that makes people think that they cant change because of it? It goes down to the individual to how much they want to change themselves. If someone wanted something badly enough they find a way around the problem or even try to solve it. In my opinion life passes by too fast to stop and think about the past. The only thing I can do to compensate for the past is to the make a better future. I have to run looking forward, not backwards. College will be only the beginning of our changes, before you know it the people we once knew will slowly deteriorate. Our new lives will be the new perfection we spent our childhood making. You will become a new person.
I liked your closing statement, when you mentioned that Life is short to be looking to the past. We should enjoy life as it is, and not regret mistakes done in the past, just learn from them and have a brighter future.
What do I want to be? Happy.
On Tuesday, Mr. Feraco asked if I’d be happy in 10 years.
And out of honesty, I shrugged my shoulders, not knowing what will be thrown at me in life.
But that doesn’t say I’m not happy now.
I keep thinking about how I’m on the verge of this beautiful, terrifying new beginning – most of the time I try to grasp the importance of this time in my life and fall short of understanding. But then there are moments of sudden clarity, when I look around and realize that this is the end of an era, a chapter, of all I’ve ever known, and I find myself quaking with excitement and fear and wonder, trying to take in every precious moment I have left in this stage before the door closes behind me with a firm and final click.
Performing at Spring Show, my last and final performance, it was distressing.
We concluded the night with a heartbreaking powwow with all the members of Color Guard and it still hasn’t hit me that this will all be over in a matter of two weeks. There were moments where I despised being in this program…but the performances and the trips overwrite all the negative surfaces of it. And then I thought: No more spinning, no more band camp, no more hell week, no more Wednesday night rehearsals, nothing. I’ve made the most of my high school career through this program, and as I write the goodbye, thank-you letters to the instructors, I can’t help but to cry like a baby. Making memories with people you were once close with but are no longer friends or people that you’ve just met the last couple of weeks into the school year and don’t have the chance to elongate the relationship. We all have to say as seniors, that these past four years, have certainly been “bittersweet”.
If I came back to visit, it’ll probably take a while for others to recognize me. Even you, Mr. Feraco…you’ll probably hesitate to say my name and I guarantee you’ll look at me and utter “Hello Ms. Toffee” as I walk into your classroom again.
However, despite the physical aspects: braces will be off (again), frequently wearing glasses, bags under the eyes, dyed hair – I do believe my personality will change; probably not so much as I intend it to be, but I’ll be different – hopefully in a good way. I wish to be a little more enthusiastic about things, build a higher tolerance level, meet deadlines (heh), and become more outgoing. If I don’t change, I’m still pretty content with the person I am now.
Most off, I am eager and ready to go off to college. I’m already starting to read freshmen tips like “wearing a lanyard screams ‘freshman’” and “check your email religiously”. I want to meet new people. Though the first person I meet in college isn’t likely to be my best friend, I’m still willing to have new individuals come into my life.
But I’m afraid.
- of leaving my parents behind. Although I don’t seem to give them as much gratification as I should, I’ll miss the nearby reassurance. I’ll miss them waking up at 1AM and yelling at me to go to bed so I stay healthy. I’ll miss them doing the laundry and providing me food, not saying that I don’t already do that, but it is nice to have guardians around. It’s unfortunate being far and leaving people from back home, but then again, we all seem to go through this process. Everyone at some point in life, has left someone at home (probably temporarily, or an indefinite amount of time) to go somewhere, to do something. It’s part of growing up and being independent: Meeting new people, meeting change, leaving comfort zones.
So…perhaps I can start a new life.
“*As time goes on, you’ll understand. What lasts, lasts; what doesn’t, doesn’t. Time solves most things. And what time can’t solve, you have to solve yourself.*” -Haruki Murakami
I really get what you were feeling when Feraco asked if we were going to be happy in 10 years. It's all so uncertain. It's strange and scary to think about.
Honestly, I think that almost all of us feels that way. Your little speech about Color Guard was sweet. Your performance was amazing!
“Ms. Toffee” ! I like that! I can relate with you when you said you grew up with Color Guard. It’s truly an amazing feeling knowing that you’ve dedicated 4 years of your life to a program. But to see it all end is also like you said “bitter sweet.”
I really enjoyed reading your post Christine! I liked how you ended with a Never Let Me Go quote, it tied it all together beautifully. I've never been in so many programs, but I can understand why you are so sad to leave highschool, as you said it is "bittersweet". Lovely post Christine, thank you for writing/posting it!
While I know that I’ve changed over high school, I’m not entirely sure in what ways I’ve done so – I’m my own worst critic, after all. Regardless of the changes that I’ve actually gone through, however, I know that in terms of overall character, I’ve pretty much stayed the same. Most prominently, as I’m just a guy doing things at my own pace, I’ve just tried to be a good person where possible. When I come back for our reunion, I may or may not be the same person in that respect – while I trust myself a fair bit, I don’t know what might happen over the years. Of the things that I want to keep, I guess that appreciation for my friends, as well as my willingness to (usually) help those in need top the list. I don’t really know what I want to lose – my tendency to procrastinate comes to mind but besides that, I prefer not to hope to lose anything. As for what people will probably see when they meet me much later in life…well, it’s most likely going to be a more stereotypical individual – I guess I could explain this by highlighting where I’m a bit unusual.
When I read blog posts, I often feel impressed by the maturity of my peers because frankly, I am childlike in many ways. Firstly, while I can do all of my household chores/homework on my own and I almost always get things done on time, I have a tendency to play around whenever I’m not doing work – not necessarily only when I’m procrastinating but also when something new/amusing (usually a game or an anime series) comes out and I spend a lot of time with it instead of resting, even while fully aware that I’m tired. While my almost constant fatigue usually results from schoolwork, it does sometimes result partly from my overwhelming desire to play – something that I should hopefully try to fix before college. Besides this, I can be a very sore loser whenever someone beats me in something competitive – if a friend beats me in a game, for example, I will often beg for rematches until I finally win. Some people like this childlike nature of mine and others find it irritating – either way, it could probably get in my way during and after college. Given that I would have finished college by the time of our reunion, I will have become a more mature individual by then. At peer tutoring, my tutees often ask me about how to handle their time more efficiently; perhaps I should stop being a hypocrite and start doing half the things that I’ve been telling these students to do.
As far as college life goes, mine will probably be quite unusual. I’ve already registered for Berkeley but apparently, my dad adamantly refuses to let me live alone there, let alone let me get a dorm; instead, he insists that he will buy a house there and move in with me. Therefore, while I will be leaving home, I won’t “really” be leaving home – I’ll still be under my dad’s watchful eye as I have always been throughout high school. This is quite an ironic turn of events – during my childhood, when I desperately needed someone to talk to at home, both of my parents were busy with work and I barely saw them; now that I want independence, I can’t get rid of my now-much-less-busy dad’s presence. While I’ve never really had a healthy relationship with either of my parents, that doesn’t mean that I hate them; nonetheless, my dad’s stubbornness here comes as a low blow to this individual who, up until recently, had been expecting to experience the first taste of an adult’s freedom. That said, though, I still want to get from college many of the things that I originally intended to get – new friends, knowledge, maturity, and perhaps a party every now and then. A combination of these things will reshape me throughout college and, while I can predict no more than that I will change into a more normal person, I’m willing to bet that I’ll find changes that I ultimately will gladly accept.
At Berkeley, I will be far away from most of my friends since only one or two of them plan to attend Berkeley. After spending years away from most of the people whom I currently know, I wouldn’t be surprised if people don’t recognize me afterwards – it certainly wouldn’t make me happy but I would have to accept it. Throughout high school I found that some childhood friends whom I hadn’t seen for several years had trouble remembering me – of course, now that almost everyone has a Facebook this probably won’t be as much of a problem for most of us. Nonetheless, it’s hard to keep track of people without seeing them regularly – I’m not going to try to resist change but I do hope that people will still recognize me. At this point, I have no idea whether or not my less close friends will remember me since I don’t know where I’ll end up as a person. Either way, I guess I’ll try to be optimistic about life after high school. If anything, though, I want to be remembered as, like I said in the first paragraph, “a guy who does things at his own pace.”
Capture Every Moment, Time After Time
Many things stayed the same throughout my life- my street, many of my neighbors, living next to my cousin, etc. etc. Many things changed- my house, me, some friends out of my life, teachers, etc. etc. But as I look back through it all, it makes me appreciate every moment, every struggle, and every step that has brought me here. At this year, graduating from high school. I'll be hopefully going to summer school at my college(PCC) while working part time job around my area. I'll probably see some friends from school, some I won't. The reality has kicked in but at the same time it hasn't. I haven't been hit with "I'm never coming back..this is the end.", it's hard for all of us to accept the end. Accept when people are gone, people drift apart, and things change. It takes awhile to take in all the change around you, but along the way you adapt and you get into a certain flow. I would always bring up with my best friend Allison that we can always go back to visit our middle school teachers even when we go to high school. We never did see them again after that, even though we wanted to. I emailed back and forth with some of my middle school teachers but afterwhile I fell out of touch with them. You are so a part of your new life, so busy, you somtimes can't go back no matter how much you long to. And the past stays in the past.
It's hard, but life is ever changing. It's a new stage in our lives, a new experience. It's exciting but also terrifying at the same time all on its own. We're stepping into adulthood, some people aren't ready. Some people are, but our lives has prepared us for this moment. This one single split moment from going from childhood to adulthood. It's a big leap of faith...but we can make it to the other side. The thing that I want to keep with me and what I admire most about myself is...no matter what went on in my life, no matter how deep of a dark place I was in; I always found a shred of hope and the will to see tomorrow. And that's something I can definitely use in the near future, something I want to never let go. I never gave up on myself, I didn't let life destory me... I kept moving foward. I treasure this year the most for my growth- I breathe life in every waking moment now. My eyes are more aware, open, and alert. I've changed dramatically in a year- I sharpened my morals, my beliefs, and my place in the world. I've actually woke up refreshed every morning and even if I wasn't I got through the school day with waking up with the thought "What would I miss? What would I miss out on?", and not just about school work but life. I see my life now as this question "What would I miss if I let it slip away from me?", whether that's time, opportunity, a moment, or a memory to create.
I'm not like a child anymore where I'm oblivious to time, I trasure and keep it close to me now. I appreciate life more then I've ever had in my life. And I value, appreicate, and am grateful for my own life now then I ever was. I think I'm slowly transitioning into adulthood. I'm not scared, I'll just miss of what once was- my school schedule, my day to day basis, my friends, teachers, and my home from home. I didn't always love highschool but I have really valued my highschool life- I hope to honor it before I go by doing everything I can before I have to leave it on June 11(5 am makes it the next day officially! lol), A lot of us are ready to leave, really really ready to kick off the dust of highschool bedhind us and go to college-start a new life. I'm ready to go to college too...but like I said I want to honor my four years being here.
Honor my highschool life, my four years at Arcadia High, my second home I've come to known. I don't want to fly into the next step, I prefer to take a nice relaxing stroll into it. Take as much time as I can, enjoying every second before the end. I'll miss it, no doubt about it, but I'll move on into my new life. Merge cautiously into college life, ease gently into adulthood. I want to enjoy all that I can before it's my time to leave- I want to live in the moment. My future is my future- right now it's today and I'm going to take it all in as much as I can. We never know what's going to happen, but don't try to fast foward through life even the bad times. Life is life, all the good and the bad. This I learned the hard way, but I finally get it.
Whenever I think about letting life go before my eyes the line from the song "All I Have To Do Is Dream" By: Everly Brothers pops into my mind instantly and I hear the haunting words "Only trouble is, geez whiz. I'm dreaming my life away" as a melancholy feeling washes over me. Life and time are precious, I don't want to ever loose it or discard it so carelessly. This is my moment, our moment, so let's take it by the reins and ride it all the way to the end!
I can just picture myself in Japan in my little cheap condo, chopping vegetables for a dinner by myself, hearing songs like "Don't Cry For Me Argentina", "Wait", "I Am..Said", "In My Life", and so much more...just bawling my eyes out because I miss home. I'll porbably skype my mom right away crying "I miss you Mama! I miss home so much!" and she'll have to console me for the next few hours.(lol) I'll miss home so much that some days it'll cripple me with sadness and a wave of being homesick, some days it won't. But home is where the heart is, both are my loves-both are my homes. No matter where I roam home is always home. You get by each day little by little and the homesickness will shrink eventually. Besides it's like I'll never return home, there's always a home for me to return to whether here in California or Japan.
Will you recongize me when I visit Arcadia again? Maybe, I don't think I'll change that much in ten years. I might be more centered, maybe more sharp around the edges, and maybe more calm. I don't think personalities take a drastic change in such short time. I'll still have Sarah qualities that I'll never grow out of, besides...if you look at my baby pictures my face has barely changed at all through the years! Maybe I'll be more patient(I'm hoping lol) and maybe a little more wiser. Whatever life takes me I'll be grateful for what it gives. I think I'll still have some childish qualities, I'll probably still be too trustworthy...maybe too naive as well. We'll just have to see won't we? Whatever life lays in front of us Class of 2011 just remember we can do anything if we want to!
I'll miss Arcadia..a lot. But I have all these memories I'll never let go, never forget. I'll take them with me through the stages of life, through the years. And if I nostalgia about my high school life I'll just listen to this song and remember all of it, as I smile with content for that chapter in my life. When I remember all of you, remember everything.
"Whenever I want you, all I have to do is
Drea-ea-ea-ea-eam, dream, dream, dream
Hey! You copied me on the begining introductions to each statement! Hahaha
Just Kidding Sarah!
These last couple weeks of school will be bittersweet for me. I have always wanted to be "done" with high school. Waking up every morning has been a pain in the butt and I am always having a hard time getting out of bed. But nowadays, getting up has been easier. I have been trying to figure out why that is for the past week or two. I finally realized that I was eager to go to school so I can talk and socialize with my friends and classmates before all of us go our separate ways. This was never a concern for me because I knew I would see them everyday next year or the next couple of years. But now is different. I realized this is my last chance that I will get to interact with them. The feeling of the end has just hit me. A few weeks ago, my friends told me that we only had like 28 days left of school. I just replied "Oh, that's cool." And they asked me if I had that "feeling" of sadness or that realization that high school is going to be over. I said "Not really. I haven't really thought about it much."
Now, I finally realized it. I have had a mixed bag of emotions. At times I feel really sad and depressed that I won't get to see my friends and that everything is going to be different. I must have been stupid to wish that high school could be over as soon as possible. But at other times, I feel happy because I will get to have a fresh start, meet new people, and create a good future for myself. But the thing is, I'm not sure if I'm ready for this. I know that the consequences are much greater and there is not much leeway. Becoming an adult is extremely difficult. Life is so much more complicated and stressful when you get older. That's probably one of the reasons why I feel sad about graduating. I don't want to grow up. I want to stay young and only have a few responsibilities. I want an easy and relaxing life. But I realized this can never be possible.
There are many things that I did in the past that I really want to change. However, since we cannot change the past, we might as well change the future. I want to be a person that is more mature and has better control of their emotions. The future has many obstacles that will test my maturity as well as my emotions and I don't want either of these traits to restrict my growth as an adult. Because life has so many different paths, I will need to keep everything I have. There will be times when I need to certain traits, such as friendliness or patience. Other times, I will need my curiosity and desire to push myself to do greater things. I want to keep as much as I can because I won't know when I am going to need them in the future.
In college and beyond, I want to meet new people and expand my horizons. I know that I'm not going to get along with everyone but I would be eager to let new people into my life. Even though meeting new people would be exciting, I would probably yearn for home at some point in time because I would miss my family and friends. I probably will have a mix of both. I will yearn for home but at the same time, I will want the chance to carve my own future. I want the chance to make a name for myself and be a success. Last of all, I hope you will recognize me. Knowing that this could be my last blog entry, I hope this will not be the last time I share my thoughts with you. I want to come back and know that you recognize me. You might hesitate and take some time, but at some point I want you to say "Wow! Its Brandon! Long time no see!" Even though I may change, I am still the same person at heart. Everyone changes externally, but the important thing is what is inside that person.
I plan on being that same person at heart. My appearance might change or my demeanor might change, but I am still going to be the same person. I am an Arcadia boy deep down and that will not change. I hope to stay connected with my friends, even though it is going to be more difficult. I hope to still remember my high school experience because it has been one of the happiest times of my life.
Brandon, i could not agree with you more! I used to always skip classes from freshmen year to junior year due to "illnesses" but senior year was a lot harder for me to do so. When we had the assembly a few days ago, a few juniors in my class wanted to stay in because they did not want to go. It was just another assembly for them. Although I did not go either, it hit me ten minutes after that it was going to be the last school assembly and i deeply regret not going to that assembly.
"...but at the same time, I will want the chance to carve my own future."
You're right. I really regret not taking every opportunity in high school to my advantage because now that there's only a couple days left a school, I wish i can go back in time and experience all that I've missed. It seems that high school is starting to roll by even quicker now that it's coming to an end, like I say it's bittersweet.
Brandon, your submission really hits something, in not just me but in all or most seniors. I'm sure we all dreamed of the day when the 4 years of high school would be over, but when we reach it, we want more. I'm really glad I read this, for it reconstructs what I sometimes though about. Great entry Brandon!
I really understand where you are coming from, because i feel similarly about leaving high school and going off to college.
I believe that people shape themselves, as they are making their way through life and living many different experiences. I also believe, that as humans that we are we learn more from the mistakes than from our achievements; in other words we won’t forget things that caused us pain at any moment in our lives, and things that brought us joy do not bring that joy for a long period of time.
All humans have different goals; everyone is unique and works its way up differently according to the resources they are able to attain. When people are facing a certain situation where they have not experience on, they shape themselves somehow, so that they can keep following their path to succeed in their lives. Although you might think you know many people perfectly, there are moments where people will be mainly thinking about themselves ad finding a way to survive for another day, you would not even imagine what certain people are capable or sacrificing, for themselves or their love ones. This can be best represented with Winston in 1984 when he wanted the “Thought Police” to torture Julian instead of him, or in Vignette 8 where the kid ripped of a button off his shirt to represent the button factory, although that was his only shirt and he knew he was not going to be able to afford another one anytime soon.
I believe that the “pieces” that we are picking up at this specific time, are those moments that we are not going to let go off our mind, we are going to keep them and in a way built a memory book, or a photo album; although for many of us that is only going to be able to exist within our minds.
I still remember a time when my dad was giving me reason to pay attention to something that we were doing, I was to busy trying to figure out how to make my camera do this effects so I could get a better picture, but he told me “ The best moments in life can not be captured in a photo, because most of those best moments are feeling, and even if you look at the picture you will not be able to relieve that feeling if you were not paying attention to what was happening around you, so be aware of that.” And he was right, I have pictures from when I was a baby and in most of them I was smiling (real smile not faked for the camera), I cannot completely recall why the reason was.
I still think that life has so many thing to offers us, and that one life will not be enough to experience all of them, I hope I can have a small reference for most of the things that one can experience in life, because it will be sad if my life had no meaning.
In this class THE SEARCH FOR HUMAN POTENTIAL help us understand that each person potential is different from one another, and the meaning of their life is different as well. When we leave this earth, either at a young age or having lived a century, is because our worship here has been done, and there was nothing else for us to do.
Even though we might reach certain potential, I believe that our HUMAN potential is not going to be reached, because just like our goals once we reach one, we are going to be looking towards reaching something higher; we believe we can and unless we fail, we are still going to try.
To be honest, I doubt I saw myself as the person I am today when I was younger, I was not the kind of person who was looking to far forward; although I do not dislike the person I am today, just like before, I do not like to look to far to the future, because if any incidents occur during the period in between, and change my plans I would be devastated, and would have to change the plans, and if another incident happens I would just think it was worthless. That does not mean that I do not plans things for the future at all, but I just like to keep things simple and go with life at a constant rate, that will I do not have to worry that much about not having plans at all, or in contrast having way to many expectations and not achieving any of them.
As for now I want to create a person who will have the perseverance to complete the work it will take to achieve a career. I also want to have a family, which I can be able to support and offer better opportunities than the ones I had when I was younger. I am a caring person right now and I do not plan on changing that about me. And for the person that I will become I will let you guys know once I become it. I just hope that, the future person will still remain with the good skills and traits that I have right now, and most likely have more.
I believe that getting to meet new people brings new experiences as well as excitement to our lives; since all people can be spontaneous in different forms, you will not be able to find a point where you will be bored getting to know new people. You can also gain very good advices from others people experiences. I like to learn from others, but a lesson is learn best when one experiences on its own.
And today I am proud of myself, because this is the longest blog I've written all along.
“´¨`•.¤ ELENA V. ¤..•´¨`”
Awesome post Elena!
Hahaha this is the longest post you have done! Congratulations haha
Everyday I take one step further than my expectation. Slowly, I gain so much out of everything I've done. When I stop to think what have I built, I know that now I am a person who can take things serious and mature. High just trains teenagers in how to create connections and relationships with each other. Throughout my four years of high school, I established a positive connections with all my friends, I disapprove any drama that is going on within friends.
As an adult, I know what are my limits. I would not act the same way as I do when I was younger. This is the progress that I have been making each step I take. The future look really dark and scary to me, but I know that as long as I try my hardest, then I will get rewarded. If I stop trying now, then I would never know what my future can turn out to be like.
I am very happy that I became the person who I am now. I truly believe in myself that I have the potential to be better, and now I am seeing some progress. There will never a point will I look at myself and not able to recognize who I am. Because I know that life is hard, it is very important to make cautious decisions, one mistake can change the future.
Recently I am facing a difficulty with college, when I think about it, I just want to give up. But if I calm down and re-think, there are many more chances waiting for me, as long as I reach for them. I am happy about the way I think right now because this has proven to myself that I have grown so much.
Don't give up Xin! Like you said, if you stop trying now, you'll never know what your future could of been like. Live with no regrets.
When school ends in fifteen days, the delete button on life will be erasing all my memories in Arcadia. I will be starting a completely new life. Once summer is over, I will be far away from home but close enough to occasionally return. Not only will I be going to a new school, but I will also return to a different home. My parents decided to buy a house in Monrovia since houses were cheap this year. Although the two cities are really close to one another, it is still going to be hard to leave all the treasured memories I have made in Arcadia and call the house in Monrovia “home”. For those of us who live in Arcadia, we often forget what an amazing city Arcadia is. Arcadia has a shopping center, a racetrack and, obviously, an overachieving high school. Not only does Arcadia High School provide the best education, but it also has various extracurricular activity teams that go above and beyond, winning immeasurable amounts of trophies and nationwide acclaim.
When I was in middle school, I cried at the end of the year because I didn’t want the friendships I had made in middle school to crumble. Boy, was I foolish. Even with the year dwindling down, it just hit me now that I really may never see my peers ever again. This is far more intense than the feeling I had in middle school because I was dumb enough to believe that I would never see my peers in high school. Then, in college, a new set of friends will be made, which gives me mixed feelings. It will be exciting when I meet new people and make new friends. At the same time, I will be sad because subconsciously I will be forgetting about the friends I previously had since I have a terrible tendency of keeping in touch with friends. Attempting to keep in contact with my close high school friends will definitely be one of my goals while I attend college.
One of the things I am excited about for college is the changes I will experience as I mature. Going to college will be a transition from dependence to independence. I will be a hundred miles away from home so it will be crucial that I learn to survive without the guiding hand of my parents. I still, however, want to come back home whenever possible and visit my parents because my parents have done so much for me to keep me content. I am grateful for everything they have sacrificed for me and it is my turn to do my best in college so that I can be successful and return the favor. I need to give myself a new set of responsibilities and learn to have self control and not play games every time I have time to myself. I am so thankful I took Search for Human Potential second semester or I would have hit senioritis so hard that it would have been hard to adjust to the concept of homework in college.
In just four years, I have become a completely different person from what I was in middle school. It will be hard to say what I will be like in another four years. Hopefully, life will treat me well and I will become a likable fellow. I wonder if I would scoff at this blog when I reread this post four years from now and laugh at how naïve I was. It will be an exciting journey to leave this sheltered environment. My brother always told me that school can never really teach you how to survive in the real world. I’m anxious to see what it’s like but at the same time I don’t want shot down by any grim realities. At this moment though, it feels like I have a lasso on time and tugging it back, hoping for the days to go by slower. However, it isn’t working and it’s a depressing feeling.
I agree with you Clark. Four years changes a person completely. Influences change you during those four years and things may go one way when you thought it would go the other. Teachers say they are preparing you for college and the real world, but are they really? Your brother is right because teachers can't teach you everything.
I'm excited and anxious for the future too, but I hope it'll work out for all of us.
Who is the person you want to create? What will they be like?
What will you keep?
What will you discard?
What will you acquire?
Are you going to be eager to let new people into your life, or will you reflexively push them away?
Are you going to yearn for home, or eagerly seek out a new life for yourself?
And will I recognize you when you visit?
The person I want to create will be much like the person I am today, only new and improved. Something like me on steroids, but not literally. I like many aspects about myself and I feel they will help me become successful in the future, such as my sense of humor and confidence when speaking. I also don't like some things about myself, such as how I approach school. Regardless of hoe
One of the things I like about myself is my ability to speak to people. Regardless of who it is I am able to have conversations with them based my speaking ability. Whether it be a teacher from school or a random stranger at the DMV, I easily find myself involved in conversations with people who I wouldn't call my friends. Another aspect about myself that I'd really like to keep is my maturity level. I think I am more mature then most people my age, and I like that about myself. Even though I say I believe I'm more mature then most people my age I still feel I have a good sense of humor. I love making people laugh, and I'm able to do that pretty easily. I would also like to keep that ability.
Some of the things I would change would have to be the way I procrastinate. Especially when it comes to my school assignments. I feel like I waste a lot of my talent due to a lack of ambition. Even though the assignments are easy when I actually do them I find them ridiculously hard to start. I also don't like my tolerance level, which in my opinion is pretty low. It's not that I need to control my anger because I do, It's just small things bother me when they probably shouldn't.
When I finally do move out on my own into a new world I will definitely be excited to let new people into my life. I find people very interesting. Even ones who I have very little in common with. And even though I am eager to leave my house right now Im almost sure I will miss my home at some point in my life. After all, I spent my whole childhood at one house. How could I not? Even though I plan on changing some things, I'm pretty sure that if I ever do visit you'll recognize me. How could you not?
I agree with you when you mentioned that the person you want to create is basically who you are today but improved. I wrote something similar.
Foreword: The bolded text is the lyrics to the song “Born This Way” by Lady Gaga. I wrote this blog while listening to it and it inspired me to write what I wrote.
(My Mama told me when I was young
We are all born superstars
She rolled my hair and put my lipstick on
In the glass of her boudoir)
When we were still young, we’ve always dreamed of what our future holds before us. We all wanted to know what would happen – the perfect joyous times of our lives and the emotions that we will feel. We all wanted to become a part of the future, yet now that we are in the future, we don’t seem to see, nor have been in those perfect moments.
(There’s nothing with loving who you are
She said, ‘Cause He made you perfect, baby
So hold your head up, girl and you’ll go far
Listen to me when I say)
Everyone will undoubtedly have their own good and bad times. I really don’t know what to say, but most of my life, I’ve been probably wandering around in circles. If you don’t believe me, I do mean it – seriously. It feels like as if it was a coincidence that the things I had hoped to happen had never happened. But at the same time, I also feel that those things did not happen because I chose for it not to. I was, in part, afraid of what will happen. I was afraid to enter a contest when I knew that I would probably win, but I also entered a contest where I lost when I thought I would win. So, I really was in circles. Life was not as I had anticipated it, and I went wandering around, hitting rock bottom when I wasn’t expecting it, and earning awards when it never occurred to me that I deserved it.
(I’m beautiful in my way
‘Cause God makes no mistakes
I’m on the right track, baby
I was born this way)
Although we may think that our lives were in total chaos, it might as well have been that total chaos that built us into the people that we are today. Through experience, we have grown to be capable of more – of achieving, of striving, of honoring. We might have lost opportunities to do what we wanted to do, and though now we might regret that we did not take hold of those chances, we should instead rejoice that we have gone down this path that we have taken, because the journey down that road, we have grown into someone entirely different – unique, with our own special abilities.
(Don’t hide yourself in regret
Just love yourself and you’re set
I’m on the right track, baby
I was born this way)
And we certainly are on the right track, aren’t we? Two weeks – approximately ten school days – left before the graduation of the class of 2011, and we have certainly gone far. In just four years, we have grown. We still remember what it was like to be in the 9th grade, and we still might remember those happy days back then. But the truth is that it has long become a part of our past. It is now a legacy that we hold within our own memories and the memories of the people we have met, as even if we try to recall them, the most that we can get out of it is only the picture. Our feelings, our emotions, our thoughts have all changed. We will no longer be able to feel the same way as we did four years ago. We will not be able to think in the same simple way we have as young teenagers. Who we are, and who we thought we will be – the successful young adults of the future – now lie equally on the same page. We are now one, and we are ready to rock the world.
Nearly full grown men and women, we now stand proudly with dignity and with honor, ready to take on the world that our fathers, mothers, grandparents, and ancestors have all help build and have been a part of. They have made themselves a legacy and created the better world that we live in today. So, how will we build ours? How will we make pick up the piece to make ourselves a new legacy like the forefathers before us? We will soon find out. We will soon “march into the darkness.”
(Ooh, there ain’t no other way, baby, I was born this way
Baby, I was born this way
Ooh, there ain’t no other way, baby, I was born this way
I’m on the right track, baby, I was born this way)
The way that I am – I was born this way. Even if people call me weird for being happy for only the smallest of things, or for being optimistic when there is supposedly no hope, or for simply being curious about the simplest questions of different things, that is who I am and I do not want to change that. I am a unique individual, and even if people might not like me for being the person I am, I choose to still be the same. Thus, the things that I do not want to change is my sense of being – the personality that I possess and the curious way that I anticipate the world around me.
With my desire to learn and the undying thirst to learn more about the universe, so I believe that I will undoubtedly wander off around the world. I hope to acquire new knowledge, and be able to understand ourselves – the meaning behind life and why we live to live. For this reason, I guess that I will hardly yearn for home. I have never been a stay-at-home type of person, and even though I am alone most of the time, I think that it gives me the freedom to think and to explore. But maybe that alone time is too much.
(Don’t be a drag, just be a queen
Don’t be a drag, just be a queen
Don’t be a drag, just be a queen
In the past, I have been said to be socially awkward, and still, I seem fail in connecting with others. This might also be the probable cause to the huge amount of alone time I have. But since social networking will surely be important in my future when I am away from my home and parents, thus, I hope that I will be able to acquire and polish my means of communication and bonding with others. There is always room for improvement in other areas that I feel is inadequate, so given this great problem of mine, I hope to improve it as I will with other things. Those might be my very own time management, which often proves to make me fall behind, and my lack of patience.
Born This Way – Lady Gaga
All in all, here I am, two weeks from graduation, and then I shall enter into the unknown. What will there be for me? I don’t know. Will I be the person I hope I will be? I am unsure. I might wander around in circles again, or I may not. But anyhow, anyway, I shall be me. I am ready, and right now, I am “marching into the darkness.”
Jefferson, I liked how you incorporated the lyrics to a recent song in your post. It flowed really well, and felt like you worked around the lyrics of the song so everything would fit in. Your choice in the actual song, is kind of weird! I mean, Lady Gaga's not weird, but it's just I wouldn't have pegged someone planning to pursue a career in air mechanics to have an interest in Lady Gaga. But maybe, that's just it, I still have the habit of "judging a book by its cover."
The song worked well, because in all honesty, we can't completely change who we are. We can make minor alterations, but to some extent, we remain the same person all of our lives.
You are so creative! I liked how you connected it back to a song that all of us are familar with and showed us how our lives connect to it. I really enjoyed reading this.
Thanks for the comments! I was just playing the song while I was thinking about what to write on the blog, and the idea just popped up. Then it just started to flow from there...
As we leave high school I cannot help but to have a bittersweet feeling about leaving this place. It was the golden age: the place where I could do anything I wanted and not have the responsibilities of an adult. During this time all I wanted to race to the finish line. Become an adult and become an independent individual living life to the fullest. Then I came to the end about to cross the line and I ask myself, what is it that I want? This question has been haunting me consistently through the last few months of high school. I finally came to an answer; I want to be… me. Changes will come as they will and some behaviors will fade, some will not but it is all conditional. I cannot hope to be someone I see on T.V., the people I meet and the lessons I learn will shape the future me.
College is something that I feel is going to change my life forever. I am still a malleable material that needs to be shaped and I think it is in college that I will begin to take form. However, there are already some essential details carved into my being. I hope that the way I carry myself never leaves me. I am raucous, loud, and proud and I never want to lose this. My personality and the way I view life may chance but if I ever lose sight of myself, the way I view myself, I would be devastated.
One of the main things that I hate about myself is that I am too passive. Never going after what I want and just letting the days pass by without any consideration to what could be. During the next few years hopefully I will learn to take what I want and go full force. I believe that life is all about grabbing the opportunity around you; however, everything seems to slip through my grip. I am yearning for so much things yet I sit idly here and I hopefully I learn to gain this skill because I’m tired of losing everything.
I am going to hate leaving all my friends behind yet I think it is time for me to pave a new road by myself. I am actually eager to pop this little bubble that we call Arcadia and start making friends with more diverse group of people. I wish to expand my connections and get to gain more life experience because I will be working with peers that will eventually become my coworkers. These connections are what make life important and precious. Life would be dull if I just continually pushed away everyone that was trying to get to know me. On a side note… how will I get a girlfriend if I push everyone away?
When I come home I hope people will still recognize me (hopefully my face won’t become so radiantly beautiful that people won’t recognize me). I still want to be myself and not change too much. There is an internal battle within myself that resist change because I’ve known me for 17 years and I am not super eager to become something else completely. I want to be myself but just an upgraded 2.0 version of myself. Like Microsoft Word, all the different versions resemble one another but just become better with time.
I agree with you that graduating will be bittersweet. I also hope to become less of a passive person in college and change as much as I need to.
I like how you referred to personal changes being similar to how Microsoft has different versions, and you're completely right. We will often update and change according to different periods in our lives, but we will always remain ourselves.
How surprising to view how you never took opportunity of your life when an excitement of medicine been constant in Dr. Wang's life. I believe, truly, in college, you will take every chance and never let it go.
I have the same feelings about graduation, the four years we had here will finally come to an end and all we will have are memories of it.
I will definitely remember you, Tyson. Hopefully when you come back, I can call you Dr. Tyson Wang.
College life is coming up soon and I’ll have to be independent; there will be no mother or father telling me what to do anymore, I should already know what to do from being their child for the past eighteen years. As much as I love them, I will need to rid of this dependency on them as a way to remove a burden and show appreciation for the past eighteen years. I have brought burden on them and hell upon myself several times, and recently as well. Once I leave my home and parents, I want to become an independent man who others will look to and look up to, who knows new knowledge and right from wrong, and who is fun and comfortable to be around. I want my parents to be proud that they raised a fine, upright child.
My parents taught me very well, from the proper way to do certain tasks to work and social skills that will be essential in the real world. They told me their past experiences that I should know about, either try to get that certain experience or avoid it. They’ve taught me how to cook, sew, and do basically every chore so I can survive on my own and keep a clean, stable life; unlike other people who fail to live independently. My brother had a roommate in Davis, who does not know how to cook or wash clothes and he was eighteen, I think he was an idiot and will suck at life if he doesn’t learn soon. I do not want people to think of me that way and I will use what they taught me to the fullest.
There is not much traits I would throw away that I have, my parents taught me many great and useful skills, other than procrastinating at times and my extreme laziness. My parents did not give me the experience of being independent and I will feel what that will be like in the next few years. When I am away from my parents, I will use what I am taught and learn more during my college years and on. But I would want to come back and learn more from them, they did not teach me everything they know. My major is agriculture, and I come from a farming family but I do not know everything about it, my mother and everyone on her side of family does. I can learn from the professor and even more from my mother, she might know stuff that the professor doesn’t know, like old folklores that are actually useful and helpful. My father is jack of all trades and I didn’t learn everything from him yet, he can teach me sewing, carpentry, piping, and more, skills I am not likely to stumble upon for the next few years.
My parents wanted me to live on campus or away from them and so do I because I can get to know more people and expand my network. I want to get to know as many people as possible and befriend them and see who they really are. If they are good people then they are worthy to be kept as friends, but if they aren’t, then I will cut ties with them. And if they really are good then I can have them over for break when I visit home and see how they like Arcadia and the areas around. (Probably not going to like Arcadia at all, it’s boring…according to my brother’s friends.)
I am probably not going to visit home often even if I want to (I don’t want to); it’s time to experience independence. I want to feel what it is like without my parents’ nagging and help; I need this experience for the rest of my life. After all, I can’t rely on my parents forever, they won’t be there forever. I will only come back when I miss my dog, for emergencies, and during seasonal breaks and holidays, to visit teachers and get together with old friends that scattered throughout US. Hopefully you will still recognize me; I believe my voice and presence is unmistakable. Coach O’Brien still remembers his athletes that I know of back to ’04 class. I am sure you have better memories than the aging Coach OB.
The future. It used to seem like such an abstract idea to me. It was so distant, so much out of my hands. I never stopped to think about it much. But in two weeks time, I will be walking down that path that I’ve been making and throw my hands up into the air, trying to grab for the sky.
Recently, I’ve been placing much of my hopes in the future. I’ve become more trusting of the unknown. I keep believing that maybe the future holds something for me. That I will find the thing I’ve been desperately trying to find.
It’s still so far off though. I keep wondering about how it will be like. Maybe the sun will shine down and the bud will finally bloom. Or maybe the rain will shower down and the bud will have to bloom another day, waiting for that time when the sun will shine again.
However, the future holds so many opportunities. Maybe I can change. Maybe I can finally hold my head up and look forward. No more chains. No more invisible walls. I’d like to become more optimistic, more confident. I’ll look more towards the good rather than waste my energy on the bad. Things aren’t always as bad as they seem. I don’t want to be critical of myself anymore. It’s made me somewhat of an “overachiever” that my friends made fun of me about. It’s also made me a perfectionist, made me believe that nothing is ever good enough unless it’s perfect. It’s made me believe that much of the things I have done haven’t been “good enough”. There were many times when I just wanted to give up.
But then there is the good. I want to remain supportive of my friends. I understand that people need support, or any kind of help, to carry on. I’ve been through that stage, though I was always too stubborn to ask for a hand because I thought it was weak of me to do so. I want to keep my determination. It has lead me far. It has stayed with me from that childhood dream of becoming an orthodontist to getting accepted into a pre-dental program and leaving all my treasured things (like family) behind.
I can’t go on looking towards the future without remembering the past, which is right now the present. I’ll look back. I’ll try to find that lost year. I’ll see the faces and smiles of those who have helped and supported me. I’ll go back to that place that nurtured me, the place that feels more like home to me than my own home. You’ll find me and you’ll probably recognize me. I’ll be with the Ghost. Laughing and vandalizing your whiteboard (which isn’t really vandalism since you gave us permission…). You’ll see me in my UOP sweatshirt (which I could never get my hands on) and you’ll (hopefully) remember who I *am*.
Now for a little shout out:
To the Ghost:
Don’t worry! You’ll be fine. I’ll still be there to support (and yell at) you for years to come. When you don’t remember those memories, lose track of them, or draw blanks, I’ll be there to force them upon you. You’re the one four-leaf cover in the meadow of many. You’re the one who I won’t catch if you jump off a bridge (as you are already a ghost). But yet you’re the friend who will always be with *me*.
“We will travel across the land, searching far and wide…
Our courage will pull us through…
Come with me, the time is right
There's no better team
Arm in arm we'll win the fight
It's always been our dream…”
“Every time we fall down to the ground, we look up to the blue sky above…”
So let’s go forward and create that future in which we have placed all our hopes!
smileyproductions forever! ♥
P.S. Arm in arm, we shall dominate the world!
WOW! You would want to dominate the world!
Anyway, I really like your shout out to the ghost. We will make mistakes on our path to adulthood and after, but all we need to do is get back up, "look up to the blue sky above" and keep moving forward.
Don't stop believing! Hold on to that feeling!
...Michelle that was wonderful and I do hope that the ghost will listen to your advice and realize that she has a friend in you. Reminds me of the song from Toy Story.
You've got a friend in me
You've got a friend in me
When the road looks rough ahead
And you're miles and miles
From your nice warm bed
Just remember what your old pal said
Boy, you've got a friend in me
You've got a friend in me
You've got a friend in me
You've got a friend in me
You've got troubles, well I've got 'em too
There isn't anything I wouldn't do for you
We stick together and we see it through
You've got a friend in me
You've got a friend in me
Some other folks might be
A little bit smarter than I am
Bigger and stronger too
But none of them will ever love you the way I do
It's me and you
And as the years go by
Boys, our friendship will never die
You're gonna see
It's our destiny
You've got a friend in me
You've got a friend in me
You've got a friend in me
Michelle, I do hope that your world domination goes successful with your ghostly friend.
Being serious here, Michelle, I am sure that you would be very successful in the future because you look at all directions of a problem. When you are in a difficult situation, you see the hardships in it however you also recognize the goals that come out of stepping away from your bubble. A person who can continue down the road and still have the past connected to them will never become lost when others do not know where to go!
Have Fun in SF!
Congratulations, Michelle! I didn't know you chose Pacific, then again, I haven't talked to you in awhile.
I really liked how you pointed out that we can't move forward without looking at the past and present. It seems like a simple statement, yet a lot of us forgot that sometimes.
What a creative way to respond to this post! It was really entertaining to read. Good luck in UoP!
The imagery that you used really helped me relate to and appreciate your post. I guess I've been in a similar situation as you - for quite a while I felt reluctant to ask for help, mostly because since elementary school I've had a friend who would always be slightly better than me at most things that we attempted and I wanted to beat him through my own abilities. Also for that same reason, I had been a perfectionist for quite a while. Although I'm done with both of those things, I'm going to say that for now, due to personal reasons I can't be as optimistic about my future as you seem to be; I guess that finding that optimism that I lack is one of my current goals in life. Anyways, we've only really talked a few times but I feel that your blog post has taught me quite a bit more about you. I feel that I really should learn from people who can look to one's roots for encouragement when necessary.
You're right Michelle. We should never, ever give up in life. Every obstacle is another lesson. Never let life break you down, those experiences should only make you stronger.
You're right Michelle. We should never, ever give up in life. Every obstacle is another lesson. Never let life break you down, those experiences should only make you stronger.
The end of the beginning.
As we part our separate paths, we won’t see most of these people ever again. Going our own direction entitles for leaving some memories and friendships behind. After leaving my old school after third grade, I really only talk with one of my close friends from before. But it’s not like one of those talks I have with my friends now. It’s just the occasional “Hi’s” and annual “Happy Birthday!” “Merry Christmas!” and “Happy Thanksgiving!” It’s not that we’re intentionally letting go of these important memories and friendships that we’ve created, but when new opportunities arise, we don’t have as much time for the past.
Graduation is fifteen days away. It’s the inevitable truth. We’ve been waiting for it all our lives, but now that it’s nearing, is it really something we want? Ever since junior year, I constantly wish to leave this bubble called Arcadia that we’ve grown up in most of our lives. Now that graduation is in less than a month, I still am excited to pop this bubble, but at the same time, I am a nervous wreck. The thought of leaving Arcadia hasn’t exactly hit me as much as I thought it would, except for when Mr. Feraco has lectures about leaving such an amazing place like this. So many feelings of nostalgia fill up my body and leaving is sometimes the last thing I want to do. We’re growing up and there’s no way of stopping it.
"What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go over the cliff--I mean if they're running and they don't look where they're going I have to come out from somewhere and catch them. That's all I'd do all day. I'd just be the catcher in the rye and all." - Catcher in the Rye
When I look in the mirror, I don’t even recognize myself at times. Sometimes I still see myself as that naive sophomore trying to figure out what I am doing. It’s weird seeing myself “grown up” in my mirror. I still remember when I was an underclassman, the upperclassmen looked so... adult-like. It’s weird thinking that I’m at the point now and I can’t exactly grasp onto that fact yet.
Growing up means maturing myself. I’d like to give up my amazing procrastination skills. This year has proved how much I procrastinate because I always finish my work a few minutes before the due date. I’m almost eighteen and heading off to college in a few months. It’ll probably be my biggest transition I have to face by far in my life, but my ability to adjust will demonstrate how ready I am so mature myself into the real world as I put away my dependence and become independent.
Every time I look at the calendar on my phone, I count the number of days left in these hallways and my heart drops every single time. I know it’s bound to happen sooner or later, but I never expected it to come this quick.
Besides the fear of growing up, I’m excited and anxious to start a new chapter of my life. I’m ready for a clean slate to write on and venture out to new places that await me. It’s depressing to think about leaving this place since I’ve grown up here most of my life and so many memories were created here with so many people that I absolutely love. But I think I’m ready for a new part of my life to begin. This bubble is ready to be popped and I’m ready for something new to hit me.
Kristy, I can really relate to your fears of growing up. I remember my underclassmen days and looking at all the upperclassmen and really wondering how I was every going to become that. Great post.
I'm with you on being nervous I just feel like this is all we've known so how can it be time to finally move on. I've been talking about being a senior for I don't know how long and how cool it's going to be once i graduate, but when it comes down to the wire, I already miss it. It's not just the fact that I have to move on and that I have no idea what is in store for be, but it's also the fact that I have so much that I haven't done that I really wish I could of. I still sit in class and think I have three months left but when I look at the calendar I'm two weeks away. Truly exciting but scary.
It's funny that Mr. Feraco brought up the whole "with/without" glasses concept. I've been wearing glasses since 4th grade, and whenever people see me without my glasses, they say that I look like a completely different person. It's probably because my glasses have Transition lenses, but it might be something else. They literally and figuratively change both my view of the world, and other people's opinions of me. The one thing that I like about my glasses is that they're basically a mask. They shield me from people's gazes, and most people aren't actually able to look into my eyes. In a way, it keeps people from understanding me. It's one of the masks that defines me as a person. When I finally go to PCC, I'm going to have to learn how to use those masks to my benefit. I can't be the same person everyday to everyone, but I can adapt to my surroundings. That's one of my strengths, and I plan on refining it in my college years.
Since I'll only be going to PCC, I'll still be living with my Dad. However, after a long, excruciating discussion, I convinced him to let me live in a dorm for my junior and senior years in college. Mr. Feraco put it in a way that made it seem vital to my college experience, and so I had to prove that to my Dad. So, since I'll still be living at home, I'll be able to keep most of my friends. Senior year has really let me see how important my friends are to me, and I don't think I'm ready to leave them all behind just yet. So, I'll try to keep up with as many friends as I can during summer, and maybe over the next couple of years. That's not to say that I won't make any new friends, however. One of my first goals in college is to find people who think similarly to me. I don't want to drift through college unknown, as I know plenty of people who have, and I've seen how negatively it can effect them. People always say how happy their college years were. I doubt they would have been as happy without their family and friends by their side.
Another reason senior year has been important to me is because it has really opened my eyes to the world around me. I don't think my junior self was even half the person I am today. I take joy in everyday, and I'm able to hold true to the morals that I myself have established. I once thought of myself as an "optimistic-pessimist", but now, I'm a full blown optimist. I try to greet everybody with a smile on my face, and something nice to say. It's all thanks to the books that I read in your, Mr. Feraco's, class and the lectures that leave me speechless and mind-blown. Every book -- except for one which will remain unnamed, has shaped the person who I want to be. I want to follow through with everything I set for myself, not just the little or easy things. I have a tendency of setting goals that I might not reach, but I want to try so at least I'll be one step closer to them.
The future is basically a window of opportunities for me. I'm currently stuck in my current situation, but I can see that that will all change soon enough. Life is going to hit me like a brick to the face, and I'm just hoping that my previous life has prepared me for it. Soon, I'll have a job, and will be attending higher education classes. Past that, I will be getting a career and getting married. I don't know if I will be able to do it as my current self, so of course, I will have to adapt. If I were to visit you in a couple of years, you would probably still recognize me. I've spent two semesters here, and I feel like I've opened up about a lot of things. However, college seems to change everybody. I don't know if I will follow the same principles, or have the same outlook on life after going through the rigorous courses that you prepared us for. Personally, I look forward to the future, and embrace it with open arms. If we fear the unknown, then how can we ever accept it?
Sid, your blogs are always amazing! I really enjoyed reading your final paragraph, especially with the way you concluded it--fearing the unknown, will mean that we won't be able to face it. I never looked at things in this perspective, and your words really help define this point in all of our lives! We are going into the world "unknown," but we can't be afraid! Job well done!
I don't think the glasses/without glasses concept affect everyone. I also have been wearing glasses since I was in the fourth grade. When I switched to contact lenses in my sophomore year, all my friends pretty much looked at me and was like "oh, you don't have glasses," and they went on their way.
I also find Feraco's glasses situation eerily similar. I force myself to see without glasses, but this year I resigned to wear glasses when I need to read the board. Showing different sides and personalities to different people is important in my opinion and I am glad I am not alone in this regard. However, unlike you I am more pessimistic than optimistic because nothing I have encountered thus far could wrought me back to the optimist side. Also, about the book that didn't change you, I want to guess Never Let Me Go.
you do look pretty fricking different without glasses Sid, but it's okay. It doesn't change what i know about you.
I can definitely relate to the whole glasses thing because when I switched to contacts no one really recognized me. It was as though my whole persona changed.
To be Honest, i have no concrete idea of who i want to become. I have a vision, yet it will never be set in stone, but more of a guideline. I would create a person based off my parents, for they have been my role models my whole life. With that said, i would create someone with maturity, yet has the potential to be a kid a heart. On top of that, this person would be determined and passionate about all his or her endeavors. He or she will never give up, for he or she wont know how to. All these traits are merely accessories for ultimately, i want to create someone who will be happy. As long as the person i create feels a sense of joy each day, i have succeeded.
Although i am moving onto the next chapter of my life, i feel that i will remain the same. Through my years of high school i have been taught many lessons; how to fail, how to love, and lastly how to learn. I feel that it is from these experiences in which we become stronger. It is through every event and every challenge that shapes us into the person we are today. Thus, i feel it is necessary to maintain the foundation that took seventeen years to build. Although i do have flaws such as my immaturity and a hot temper, they create who i am and define me as a whole.
Ever since i was a young child, i have always been a mommas boy. Always clinging on to my mom whenever i had the chance. With that in mind, when the time comes to move away i will miss home dearly. Not because of my own restroom, or my tempurpedic bed but because of the people i will leave behind. When my brothers moved out to college, that’s when it really hit me, that my life will never be the same. It saddened me that i would never get to come home to my brothers and do the stupid things brothers do. When my oldest brother told me he missed me, it made me realize how valuable our “bros for life” relationship really was. If i put myself in my brothers shoes, i would yearn for home but understand its not reality. That there is a time in our lives that we have to break away from the nest and define ourselves in society.
As we grow older, it is inevitable that we will meet knew people. I feel it is essential that we accept these people into our lives for they will help us develop. Whether they will influence us positively of negatively, it is a crucial learning experience. We will meet thousands of new faces with entirely different backgrounds, which is beautiful for i feel we are sheltered in a bubble in Arcadia. Our small knit community has sheltered us from different viewpoints and knowledge that we can only obtain through others. College will be our stepping stone to the future, for it will unlock a social network far greater than we imagined. It is from these new people where we will learn new ideas and have an array of unique opportunities throughout our lifetime.
I completely agree with you Tyler! People will come into your life even if you don't want them to. It is inevitable. Also meeting new people is a crucial experience that we need in life!
I agree, people will be entering your life whether you like it or not. It is better to open up and accept that fact rather than fight it.
I really liked what you said when you mentioned “ he or she will never give up, for he or she won’t know how to”. It really portrays that you’ll always try your best!
I agree that we'll always be meeting new people. I think almost everyone teaches us something in our lives. Whether they teach you a good or bad quality, it's still a lesson to learn.
Everyday we get closer and closer to the end of the school year, and most of us just cannot wait for school to just end. All that hard work and effort, finally done. No more peer pressure, high school drama, nasty lunch meals, etc. Most of us are looking at a future full of parties and fun. Most of us would be moving away from our parents and the chains of constrictment will be broken. This is when we are granted true freedom. College is just ahead of us and the only thing in our way is the time.
We are looking at a future full of parties and fun. The learning enviorment would be bery different as well. You would be in a room full of student you do not know sitting infront of a professor lecturing said student. You would have to go out for lunch almost everyday. There will be more people to meet and get along with because you can relate to other easier. Soon your friends become your family. You would learn how to rely on people on a whole different level. You will develop tight relationships with people, and maybe find that special someone. Life would be so much different that it was in highschool because you are basically rebuilding yourself. It is a great way to start over. Those the memories I hope to acquire.
Then I got into a class called Search for Human Potential. Then my views of highschool suddenly changed . Yes, I believed it is very saddening that highschool was ending, and everytime I hear that Graduation Song, I shed a bit of a tear. But it did not effect me to a point where I suddenly would be so . More than before at least. From what we have learn from this class, we know that human potential is limitless. What we do, what we think, and what we know is limited to the experiences and knowledge that we have gone through, and what we believe in. Mr. Feraco has definitely expanded that portion of myself. My actions, my thoughts, and my knowledge; I have become aware of all these things, more than ever. I realize how much I would miss my teachers, my friends, and my home. And most of all, my memories. I do not miss my memories because I will forget them, but because it will become part of my past. It is not so much part of my past now because I am still in highschool, but it soon will be.
But I know it is going to be ok;Mr. Feraco taught us that as well. We are all different people, but we swim in the same sea. There are no separate paths in this vast sea of personalities. Some of us are chilling by the bay, and some of us will be deep within the water. Different people will have different experiences. Differenet experiences means different personalities. Yet this sea exist because it is made up of all of our personilities. We can still relate to one another, and therefore we are still connected. We may make a new path for ourselves, but it all still leads back to our sea. You will recognize us when we visit, as we will recognize each other, because we all use to swim in the same sea together. These are the memories I will cherish forever.
I copy and pasted from word right after I finished, but grammar and spelling check was not on, so I'm going to have quite a few errors...
Leaving high school is bittersweet. Is this overused? Yes. But I can attest to the validity of this statement. I have been in Arcadia from 1st through 12th grade and this bubble has been good to me. Although living in such an enclosed community can limit you to the realities of the outside world, I feel safe here. Arcadia is more than home to me and I can't even imagine what it'd be like to move out. However, I am still really excited for college! I'm ready to introduce new people into my life and to challenge myself to the difficulties of the real world. The person I want to create is simply a mature version of what I am now. I am proud of who I am and I don't want to let my old self disappear when I try to create the new me. The new and mature version of Charlene Nguyen will be open and accepting to other people's ideals while staying true to old ideals, sincerely be proud for other people but still maintain my competitiveness, and take in the realities of life while still maintaining optimism.
With every year I grow older, I learn from my lessons but also end up making more mistakes. There are times when I feel that I have matured but in turn, I realize I gain more flaws. I have always valued my education and entering high school, I realized I was starting to get competitive in my classes. It wasn't to the point where I would go out of my way and do harmful things to hurt other people, but I wasn't content with what I could achieve and wanted to be better than others. Because of this, I realized I get easily jealous. This is one of my biggest flaws and although it isn't always visible, I constantly have it lurking in the back of my mind. I am not proud of this and I hope to let go of it before moving on to the next chapter in my life.
In college, I will be ready to let other people into my life. I have never been a completely reserved person, but sometimes I may come off slightly shy. In elementary school, I used to be really shy and throughout these years, I can proudly admit that I have improved. I will open myself more to other people and be ready to accept others. Ideally, I want to seek out a new life for myself and become more independent. I will try my hardest to achieve this but I will also miss home. I have always had a good relationship with my parents and recently I've begun to appreciate their actions so much more because I know I won't be able to have this next year. I will try to overcome the barrier of needing my parents but I will have to learn so much on my own.
When I come back, I hope you will still recognize me. I distinctly remember one day when you asked me if I was an optimistic person because I always looked happy in class. I hope to still live up to the image you have of me and I will still be seen as filled with optimism in your eyes. Although college will bring so much stress and no sleep, I hope to come back looking the same and acting the same. I don't want to let go of the person I have become in the past years but I just want to improve and better myself. Maybe when I come back and visit, I will have taken a huge step in achieving my full human potential.
Are you going to be eager to let new people into your life, or will you reflexively push them away?
This summer, as I have said before countless times, I will be going to North Carolina to visit family. Sounds amazing right?? Well I have met them but at the time I met them I happened to be about two years old. I am extremely eager to meet everyone out there because I have lived practically my whole life here in the neighboring cities around arcadia. Though I am afraid, I hope everything will turn out as good as it seems. All the conversations I have had with my mom and dad about what they remembered it was like have led me to believe that it will be amazing. I’m really hoping that it’s not just me believing the grass is always greener on the other side.
In response to the question, I am eager but scared at the same time. I fear that I will not fit in because I have never lived in a small town like the one I will be living in. The whole lifestyle is different in that everyone kind of relies on everyone as a whole instead of everyone really being self dependant. I have been noticing lately how insensitive people have become to the needs of others. It seems almost as if no one cares about anyone else as long as they get what they needed to do, done. My hope is that down south in a smaller community I will be able to join one of those towns where everybody knows everyone and people generally care for one another.
Are you going to yearn for home, or eagerly seek out a new life for yourself?
I believe there will always be a big part of me that will want to turn back and run home but I will seek adventure no matter where I end up. Life is meant to be lived in happiness and curiosity not in fear of the unknown. Living in fear is not a life at all in my opinion. We as humans live to learn: whether it be learning from mistakes or from discovery of the unknown. I was raised on the belief that no matter what happens, life will go on and we will get through somehow. We aren’t the most financially sound family but every once in a while we have a nice family day no matter the cost. This has not only taught me a valuable lesson but has made me grow up knowing that life is meant to be lived not under the fear of money or any other negative force holding anyone back.
And will I recognize you when you visit?
I plan on changing a lot when I move because it’s a whole new crowd of people and a different lifestyle. I really don’t want to get an accent but I know I will. My family out there is the kind of family that has dinners together almost every night and everyone relies on everyone. I honestly do not know if you will recognize me. I plan to change but I know my life will always have my morals and standards to live by. I am and always will be me and no one can change that. I think you will be able to recognize me for who I am but maybe not how I speak or what I look like.
The person I want to create is a more outgoing Billy. I want to vanquish my fears of crowds and my initial awkwardness in a group of new people. The Billy of tomorrow will be more laid back, less annoying, more mature and still keep that good sense of humor and all the charm. This new more efficient Billy will have the total college package, smarts, swag and money. He will know how to manage both his academic life and social life. He will always know what to say and won’t be afraid to speak up in class discussion like his high school counterpart. Future Billy will be the Superman person to the high school Billy’s Clark Kent.
In college i’m going to keep my straightedge pledge. College is a place where kids get stupid and drink, I really don’t want myself to fall into that college cliche of mega party frat guy. That’s not who I am or who I intend to become. I boast about how on my 21st birthday, instead of getting wasted i’m going to be the DD for my wasted friends. I also think logically, I want to keep that in college too because it’s good to have a good head on your shoulders when you’re in this alien environment. I want to lose how i get stressed out easily. I always take too much on at once because my eyes are bigger than my common sense. I’m punctual but a procrastinator, I'd like to drop the latter and become less of an ass with my punctuality. (Ask my girlfriend, she hates this about me) I’d really like to become better at managing my time and better with my people skills. Frankly, my people skills suck, unless you’re one of my close friends.
At first I think that i’ll be apprehensive to meeting new people when I first go to college. I know that i’m gonna be Mr. Loner for a while, sad but true. Going to a completely new state with no one that I know will force me to make friends and lower my shields to let people in. I had to do it in middle school, but college is a completely different ball game. I think that i’ll be eager to find my small set group of friends at first. As i progress and grow and become aforementioned “Billy Of Tomorrow” I will be more open to letting people in and building new and meaningful relationships with people. I just have to remember that we’re all in the same boat, we’re all scared and that it’s our unity that will help us make it through.
I don’t think i’ll be one that yearns for home. I’ve been wanting to leave the Arcadia rut for a few years now. I want to stretch my legs and explore all the Oregon has to offer. I’m excited that the life there is a lot more relaxed than it is here. Life in the suburbs always moves so fast, and like the wise Ferris once said “ Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t slow down and look around, you might miss it.”I do think you’ll recognize me the next time you see me. I’ll still be Billy, just a more confident and well rounded version. College will make me grow up, but I won’t lose myself in the process.
In relation to what Christine Taufik mentioned in her post about wondering if she will be happy in 10 years like Feraco asked, I also froze when he asked us to think about it. The future is so uncertain, yet we've laid our plans out with our senior projects. It makes me wonder if these career paths will ultimately make us happy people. I'd like to arrive at our 10 year reunion a happy man, but the future is just so far, even though it begins so soon.
15 days left. 15 more chances to make those memories, to say those things we've wanted to say. Lets not waste this last chance.
Leave your mark, remember your legacy.
This last part you wrotejust makes me really want to make more memories in these last few days that we have to spend with each other. I'm not going to lie,I fear to get close with somebody this close to the end of the school year that it will just be harder to leave them as soon as college starts in the fall.
Billy, you have a successful future ahead of you! I know you'll do fine in a different state. It'll be a new environment, but I know with your compassionate and funny personality, everything will be okay because you're you.
I have an idea of how my future will look in a few months time, but I remain unsure of whether or not I favor what I see. There have been many instances in my life where I sat myself down and thought, “Yes, with this, I’ll be content. No more. I’m finally done.” Every time these thoughts arise, new desires soon follow. Trends in the history of humanity insist that we, as human beings, will never be content. I am no exception. Even if I reach my goals and transcend the kind of person I may someday want to be, I feel as though I would only find disappointment on the other side. Super Mario Bros., for example, creates a similar situation: Mario desperately attempts to rescue his princess from harm’s way, and just as he reaches the end, he receives a daunting “I’m sorry, but your princess is in another castle!”
Even though I cannot provide a complete assessment of the future self I may aim for, I can point out a few key points that I know would need to change. The first, and most deadly, is my tendency to procrastinate. In fact, I still owe Mr. Feraco two things from Spring Break – but before you decide to stop reading out of pure rage at the fact that I have contributed towards his frustration, I do have extensions on these assignments and I do plan to complete them. See, after the senior project, I wanted a break. Mr. Feraco had promised the early presenters indefinite extensions, and I planned to take advantage of this opportunity. I wanted to instead complete the assignments a week after presentations ended, but I grew lazier and lazier. By the time I realized that I desperately needed to submit my already long overdue work, our class had more work stacked on top. To prevent myself from submitting rushed and poorly written pieces, I decided to complete the assignments currently being discussed and turn in the older ones as soon as I find free time. This needs to change if I plan to survive in college.
Another thing I need to change lies in my tendency to be reserved in a classroom setting. I would not classify myself as shy, and I do not feel afraid to speak out against something I believe is wrong, but I rarely ever participate in class; I think I just tend to try to stay out of controversial topics to remain on the neutral side – as Mr. Feraco tends to. For the most part, I pay attention to our discussions and consider the questions presented to us – but only so far as my mind will go. I will admit that I have some meaningful things to say during discussions sometimes, but I tend to hold them back so as to not draw attention to myself. I need to change this habit and open up; I know how Mr. Feraco is always trying to get us to talk by saying that some people in the class have great insight to the topics at hand but refuse to open their mouths to the class. As a direct result of taking this class, I have begun to question myself more and more. I still struggle with the little choices – the ones that make me who I am.
As of now, even my major decisions lie in shambles. Having gone through an entire year of Mr. Feraco’s class has given me a basis for what could be called an identity, but I still fail to define myself. Over the course of the school year, we explored various viewpoints on many different books. One of these books especially stood out to me: Siddhartha. The idea that the human being is like a river truly amazed me. The inconsistency of the river’s water changes the shape and nature of the river, but leaves its existence perpetually untouched; the Nile River, for instance, remains the Nile River regardless of how weather may change its form. I feel that this ever-changing body of water represents me almost too well. Although my classmates and teachers can often say, “Yes, that’s Chris – I can tell because there’s something distinct about his work,” they have also noted that I can change very quickly. Some have called it adapting, while others refer to it as mood-swings, but I simply think of it as flowing.
Just as empty cups may take on different waters, we too change and flow with the passage of time.
I want to change.
Transforming from a teen to an adult is tremendous.
Hopefully when I come back to visit I will be unnoticeable. That is a goal I intent to accomplish in the future. Being the same person I am now in the future will be horrible. Playing games, taking everything for granted, and not caring about anything is how I am now and what I want to change. Gaming has been a big influence on how I live my life. It has taught me to not care about anything else but it. It has changed my life completely then what I had wanted it to be. Hopefully when I come back I have left behind my gaming ways and become more mature and more adult like.
Immaturity describes me.
Immaturity has taken over my conversations with my friends. When I talk with friends I don’t even know what is going on half of the time. It always ends up with laughter. Hopefully I can abandon this habit that I have branded in me. It has made me think twice about everything I say. It was great when I was younger, but now that I am going to college I hope that I can get rid of it. Getting rid of my immaturity will make people take me seriously instead of it being a joke. Hopefully I will discard a majority of my immaturity and be able to keep a small amount of it. Immaturity keeps me happy and makes me have lots of funs with friends. It is how I am and if I discard immaturity fully I would lose part of myself. I wouldn’t be able to be the same ever again and no one will be able to recognize me.
Reflexively I will push people away. I like to be isolated at times, but at other times I like to chill with friends. Meeting new people isn’t what I usually do, but if they introduce themselves to me or I feel like they are friendly I would get to know them. I can’t say I am eager to let new people in my life, but I will let it happen when the time comes. If not I would just push them away because that’s how I was when I grew up. I would say I am sort of eager to let people into my life, but at the same time I would reflexively push some away. Basically I have the who cares type of personality. If it happens it happens and I would put no effort into doing something.
When I go to college I won’t yearn for home because I am going to PCC. PCC isn’t far away enough for me to get a house near it. Basically I will be living at home until I transfer out. If I were to move out and live far away from home I would yearn for home. Moving out for college will be very emotional for me because I wouldn’t be able to bear not seeing my parents for a while. That is probably why I didn’t go to outdoor science school in middle school. I think I was afraid of not being with my parents for a day. I like to live in the present I don’t think much about the future, but I think I should start because right now I feel lost. I feel like I’m going to be lost once I get out of high school and start going after my dreams.
Tim, I just wanted you to know when I talk to you I usually don't feel that you are immature. On that note I'm confident that you can abandon traits of yourself that you are not content with. We are all different in our own ways, I'm sure you're aware, and being separated from our parents may upset some of us. I, for one, do not quite feel the same way. I was away from them for Outdoor Science School, I went to Alaska for a few days...and now I'm going to Oregon. I feel ready to explore the world and be separated, but this doesn't mean I don't miss them. In the future I'm sure when you go for your dreams you will be able to detach and become the individual that you want to be.
Tim... if you're immature, then I must be a child. When I get immature, it can kill conversation.
I like the way you structured your post. Though, I think you put yourself down too much.
As I enter a new atmosphere in college, it would be wrong to say that I will not change. College for me will seem like a reset point where I can start over. Starting over would consist of meeting new people, changing my work habits, and improving myself as an individual. In life I choose to approach each obstacle separately, and I will find ways to adapt depending on the different circumstances that will occur. So in college, the person I want to create is someone who is independent, hardworking, courageous, and outgoing. I want to be able to handle difficulty alone without having to rely on others to push me. This will make stronger as an individual while also benefiting me greatly in the future as I pursue my passions. Throughout high school, I contracted a heavy case of “senioritis” as freshmen. Although I was able to overcome this “disease” sophomore year, I eventually lost the battle. Even though I did not work my hardest consistently, I have no regrets. I am pretty sure that if I had put my full effort into my studies, I would have had an easier chance getting into the college of my choosing. I would like to change this habit because I know it will be a barrier that I would have to break so that I could succeed. Lastly, the person I want to be is someone who is more outgoing and courageous. I have always had a problem being the usual outgoing person I am when I am in front of people that I do not know. I usually feel embarrassed which I feel should be eliminated because I am proud of the person that I am. I am not changing; I am simply making myself better.
I will always remember my roots. My family, friends, teachers, and acquaintances have all been a great impact in my life. The lessons I have learned from them will always stick with me. I will always pay homage to my home and do my best to visit it. I hope that I have the same positive impact to my peers as they have been for me. I hope that one day when I visit Mr. Feraco that he will remember me, not necessarily by the face, but because of something that I have done to impact his life whether it was a piece of writing, or something I did.
Ever since middle school I enjoyed drawing these small comic exaggerating the personalities of my friends and I. The elementary school me would only draw extremely pretty girls with cluttered items surrounding them. They would all look similar with their perfect features and personalities. At one point in my life I must have realized that everyone is different and full of imperfections. I started drawing different things and they eventually lead to my current characters. Now I then to draw myself as someone who is too relaxed for her own good and tend to make witty comments that annoy the people around her. This is partially accurate interpretation of who I am but like most people there are just some things that are never meant to be revealed.
Like my drawings I have slowly evolved over time and can confidently say I am no longer that silly kid with her “flawless girl” characters. As time continues to pass I will continue to evolve. Maybe I will finally be able to learn time management and break all my bad habits that my mom is always so eager to remind me of. Or I will learn and absorb some life changing information that alters my view on life. Even the small uneventful aspects of my life like my favorite food or color could change. I was never one to expect too much because I would just go with the flow. Change is to be expected I just want to live my life peacefully enjoying it until the end.
Truth be told, I am too trusting for my own good. When I was just a kid wandering the streets of my hometown in China, I would trust anyone who seemed like a good person. My parents or guardians would always be busy leaving me a lot of free time to wander around unsupervised. It was bad enough to the point that if they invited me over to their home I would go with them. Luckily as I grew older I learned some common sense but if anyone was willing to take the effort to be my friend I would be glad to return the favor. Amongst my current group of friend most of them are more than eager to leave their family and home behind to venture out without their parents watching them constantly. I was raised with little supervision from my mom so I never felt chained down by authority. I would not mind moving but I would rather stay home to save money on rent.
As the end of the year draws closer it reminded me of our 8th grader year. I thought it was silly when I saw people cry when we finished middle school. We were still going to see each other since there was only on high school in the Arcadia distract. Yet they cried like everything was going to change and we were never going to see each other again. Now that we are graduating from high it makes more sense. After all, not everyone will be attending the same colleges or even attend college at all. A lot of things could happen in a few months and they could be good things. I want to change a little and surprise my teachers when I come and visit. What fun would it be to see the kid you helped set out in the world coming back the same person they were in 12th grade?
As the clock ticks away on the few remaining days of high school I have come to terms with the fact that I am leaving. For a while the other theater kids and I would joke about being held back in order to come back another year. I even signed myself up to audition for next years advanced drama department as a thirteenth grader. It was clearly a joke, however I did for some time over the past two years desperately hope for the end not to come so fast. Ever since the end of my sophomore year I was dreading the fact that high school would be just a memory someday. If I could have chosen to continue being in high school for the rest of my life, or at least another year or two, I probably would have. High school seems like the best part in my life now, however I have reason to believe that there are even better parts on the way. That is not to say that I will not miss high school, but more of saying what seems like the ending is only the start of a new chapter in my life. For example, each year I was in a musical at Arcadia high school I would always think to myself “this is the best, there is no way next years musical can top this years one”, however when the next musical came around I felt the same way. Even though the previous year I had said to myself “this is the best”, the current musical always topped it. I believe that college will be the same, and that is why I am finally accepting that I will graduate. High school seems like the best now, but only because that is all I know. With college comes uncertainty, and with uncertainty comes some fear; but I have faith that college will become better than high school once I arrive there. If someone asked me four years ago where I would be today I would have given a completely wrong answer. I had dreams about where I might go, however high school led me where it did, and I am proud to say that I am happy where I ended up. I have no clue where college will take me. I know what I might want to do, but I truly do not know where the journey will take me. The one thing I do believe is that college will be a great adventure and new chapter in my life. College will open new doors and close others; and four years from now I hope to have the same feeling of content I have with high school, with college.
Another reason I am ready to move on is that I now realize there is nothing left for me to do here. Yes, I could continue being the same quiet football playing actor student, but that would only level me out on a plateau. I never thought I would feel this way about leaving high school, but I believe it is my time to go. My time here is soon to expire and I believe that there is nothing left for me to do at Arcadia High School. I do have some regrets, however I have more than enough reasons to feel content with where I end my high school career. I know that know is my time to change. I am done being the same Tyler; I want to be someone more. I do not want to change completely, however I do want to change certain aspects of myself. I feel that staying exactly the same would be detrimental to my progress as a human being. The one major thing I want to discard is my quiet and reserved nature. A good friend of mine has been jokingly trying to get me mad in the past couple of months; his reason being that he has never really seen me mad. His statement was somewhat true. Over the four years I have been here I have never really gotten mad at someone and yelled at them. I have gotten mad, but I have not expressed my madness or anything else for that matter. Frankly I am tired of sitting quiet and keeping what I feel about certain things inside. I want to become a more assertive person and I want to voice my opinions. Even looking through all my responses on this semesters and last semesters blog, one can learn more about me than they probably ever knew simply because I do not go around expressing myself and my opinions on things often. However I have become tired of this, and I know that I will not live up to my potential if I just listen and never speak. In my first year of college I want to talk more than I did during my entire career at AHS.
One way of being able to voice myself more is by meeting new people. I am more than eager to meet new people and make new friends, however I must choose who I surround myself with wisely. I feel that in high school I made some friends, but I also made some “buddies”, people that were friends but more of someone to hang out and joke with than to talk to; people that had more interest in self amusement than actually being a friend. In college I hope to make a lot of friends and no “buddies”.
As much as I say I am ready to move on, there will undoubtedly be times when I will sincerely miss Arcadia. It will not be a hard thing to come visit AHS seeing as the college I am attending, Azusa Pacific University, is within a thirty minute drive from Arcadia. However visiting AHS will be different than attending it. For four years the school has been my home; I have shaped my identify through this school. Having to come back and wear a yellow visitor sticker will be weird. I will no longer be affected by the school. The bells will not dictate where I have to be, and what were my teachers for four years will feel more like acquaintances. Overall the school itself will be more difficult to leave than my actual house will be. My family is very important to me and they have supported me in everything I have done, however I think that it is definitely time for me to become more independent. Azusa Pacific University is very close nearby and if I wanted to I could have chosen to live at home and commute to school everyday, however I think it is imperative that I live at the college in order for me to grow and start making my own decisions in life. Even though my mom says she is okay with me living there, I know she so desperately wants me to stay at home. If I did stay at home however I do not think I would become the person I want to be. I would not be fully taking advantage of the opportunity that college presents with creating a new me.
You told the truth when you said that we can learn more about you by reading the blog than talking to you in person. Yet, in the same breath i would say that is slowly changing. Sixth period is you joking and being silly, but i think part of that is the real you. Please just unleash yourself on the world. Go crazy and show the world who Tyler Laird is on the inside.
I hope you know that I find inspiration in the person that you are. You are a strong, smart, and talented young man.
To me, going to college is like starting a new life. Why? We are all going to a new place in a new chapter of our lives. Either a few people you know will be there or you will be completely unknown. This means that if we don’t like what kind of persona we took in high school, we can change it in college. we can change from a quiet shy person to a much more outgoing person. Or we can change from one of those “nerdy” people to one of those “cool cats”. Its all up whether or not we want to have a change in setting and in lifestyle.
I intend to discard my old persona of being a somewhat passive person and take a more proactive approach towards things. I also want to discard my extremely lazy self since it has always hindered me. This attempt to discard the laziness will probably backfire in the end since it has been with me since elementary school. What I intend to keep… I don’t know. I guess I will keep anything that will help me in the long run.
Meeting new people for me can either be a really cool experience or a really daunting one. When I meet someone new, three possible scenarios happen. One, I immediately find interest we both share and become friends quickly. Two, I see no interests that really correlate between us but as time goes on we do eventually become friends. Three, I see no correlation of interest and we go on our way. Hopefully, I can a little more accepting of who can be my friend and become friends with people I never thought I would have.
I’m pretty sure there won’t be any kind of yearning for home for me because ill be going to school pretty close by. This means I’ll be going back and forth between school and home the whole time. What I want to happen is I get a little distance between them and start more time on my own and making my own decisions. I don’t want to be that person who still needs the support of their parents to get by.
The person I want to become by the time I’m 45 (the age Mr. Feraco says where most people know whether or not they are successful or not) is someone that is satisfied with their life. I believe that each of us have our own mission that we must complete or struggle to complete in our lifetime. Some may believe that we are “brought” to the world by some supernatural force, others may think that we find our own mission at some point in our lives. Regardless of which one an individual believes, the more important thing is that someone is goal-oriented. I want to be someone who is driven to do something they love or enjoy, I don’t want to spend my life hating my job or hating the environment I have grown accustomed to. Like I mentioned in a previous blog assignment, I want to be able to help others in a way average civilians can’t. I hope my way of doing so is through the skills I will acquire as I become a medical physician. I volunteer as much as my schedule limits me to, because every time I do, I have this sense of self-satisfaction. The smiles I see when I serve others makes it incredibly worth it. By providing medical aid to others that cannot necessarily afford it, I know that those smiles I will see will be even brighter than the ones I have familiarized myself with. I know that my path to becoming a successful and compassionate doctor will be incredibly difficult, and I am positive that I will face some of the most difficult obstacles in my life during this time, but I will try not to let it get the best of me. I used to have a really short temper, and as I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned to become more patient. Last year, I tutored a student with dyslexia at Holly Ave. Elementary School. When I was assigned to this student, I was completely unaware of her learning disability. After a couple sessions with her, I realized there was a problem, and informed her teacher. We found a way to lessen her difficulty in reading, however it was definitely a struggle. Through this experience, I was forced to become patient with the student, and ultimately it helped me grow to become a much more patient individual.
In my four years at Arcadia High School, I have acquired a variety of things. Being a part of such a close-knit environment, I have grown to become more open with other people. Entering my freshmen year of high school, I was very closed-minded, and saw life through a pessimistic light. The English classes I have been enrolled in, has certainly helped shape my outlook on life, particularly my sophomore and senior year. Sophomore year marked the first time, my mom did not yell at me when she opened my report card. I never got an “A” in English prior to then, so my mom asked me why I was doing so well in English. At the time, I wasn’t sure, so I decided to closely observe and analyze the way my teacher ran the classroom. I realized my teacher spoke with such passion every time she lectured us. Each piece of literature we read, from J.D. Salinger’s pieces to Harper Lee’s, she gave us insight on each minute detail, making me eager to read the novels. Having Mr. Feraco as my final teacher in high school, was certainly a blessing in disguise. Crystal had Mr. Feraco first semester, would always rant about the amazing speeches Mr. Feraco gave in class. In Stats and AP Gov, she would go on about how some of the longest assignments were worth completing because each assignment contained its own special meaning. When we received our final schedules, I saw Mr. Feraco’s name. It was sort of a bitter-sweet feeling. On one hand, I was so excited to have him, by relying on Crystal’s word, on another hand however, I was frightened. The heavy workload made the class seem like it was not worth my time. I was wrong. I regret ever thinking like that. Mr. Feraco talked about the “star,” that each individual has during the first week in class. I thought this was one of the most creative and true things ever created. In February, I was afraid of college rejections, afraid of where my life would take me. Drawing my own star helped me establish a sense of who I was, and who I am becoming. The more Mr. Feraco lectured, the more I was intrigued. The passion and dedication both Mr. Feraco and Mrs. Swift had when teaching their students about classic literature really inspired me, to a certain extent. What both of them had really given me is enlightenment—they’ve made me see the world with a new pair of eyes (kind of literal as well). I got my first pair of glasses in February this year. I didn’t really need them, but I got them because I was moved to the back of the room in Human Physiology, and could no longer see as clearly. Mrs. Swift and Mr. Feraco advocated the beliefs perceived in the literature, in a way I had never realized before. I finally began to see the world in a more optimistic way. As I move on from high school, the one thing I have obtained during the time that I really want to keep is definitely hope .
I used to be extremely frightened when I was introduced to people, the fear seems to have faded away. I believed that the most important thing was to make sure I didn’t embarrass myself in front of other people. I don’t know what happened since eighth grade, but I’ve changed. I want to say that I actually don’t care about other people’s opinion of me, but then I’d be lying to myself. I still do care about how I am perceived by others—but now, it’s to a certain extent. I’m more open to meet new people, most likely because by this point in my life I have been exposed to different environments, and can for the most part roam around comfortably. Going to college will be a new experience, I will no longer have my parents to help me at a moment’s notice, nor will I be able to easily ask for favors. If I need help, I will have to rely on myself, which is something my mom has taught me over the years. She says that people must solely rely on themselves, and the individuals that we meet become the “glasses,” or the “braces,” needed in our daily life. They are used for a certain extent but we can’t completely depend on them, or they’re optional. Meeting new people will be a way for me to expose myself to the “real world,” and though it may not sound pleasant—meeting people is another way to seek help and comfort. We sometimes talk to people because we need a book that they have or we just don’t want to look like we’re alone. (I know there are individuals who pretend to text on their phones, so it looks like they’re having a conversation with someone, but that’s beside the point)Developing new relationships at this point, is something I’m really open to doing particularly because I believe I am at a crossroads in my life. In less than two weeks, we will become legitimate adults. We will be accountable for our actions. Being eighteen does not necessarily indicate we are adults, because a majority of us still rely on our parents for financial and emotional support. Graduation means that we will have our own high school diploma. A document that guarantees most people a somewhat decent minimum wage job. Though minimum wage is not what we are striving for, it is sufficient enough for us to survive.
I definitely hope that Mr. Feraco will remember me, as I hope all people will remember me. I know this is practically impossible, because everyone will forget somebody. Most perceive me as someone who’s shy, but when they see the person I really am, they know their initial perception was wrong. I haven’t really broken out of my shell in class, especially during class discussions, I’m not exactly sure why. Perhaps it’s because our class has some incredibly intelligent individuals that provide so much insight to each topic brought up in class. I hope my lack of discussion participation does not affect how I am perceived. I’ve never forgotten any of my teachers’ faces, (Since preschool until now, I can vividly picture each of my teachers’ faces) and I certainly hope that they really will have some memory of me—visual memory or remember me for a personal accomplishment. By the time I see someone from high school again, whether it is an instructor or an underclassmen, I will be different. For the most part, my appearance won’t change, but my personality certainly will. I hope by the time I return, I will be much more independent, much more responsible, and of course much more optimistic.
When applying for colleges last fall, I decided to apply to UC Riverside, because my parents told me to. I really had no intention of going there, because Riverside doesn’t have much to offer (I’m talking about the city itself). I’m pretty adventurous, so going to a city with very little to do, won’t work well for me. I ended up choosing UCR, because it was decent for my major, and also because my parents wanted me close to home. University of Oregon in Salem, Oregon was one of my top choices, and when I received my acceptance letter, I was literally dancing in my kitchen! I was so excited. I planned on going there because it would have been easier to double major, and the school had both of the majors I really had an interest in. However, being a California resident, I would have had to pay the out-of-state tuition—which is close to double the UC tuition. Going to Oregon would have made me a lot more independent, because I wouldn’t have been able to call my mom and tell her to come and get me out of a dilemma. It would have required my mom to get on a flight to see me, but for now I will be only an hour away. For graduate school, I definitely want to leave California, I hope by then I will be able to leave “home,” which I define as “California,” and truly become independent.
I really felt like I could relate to almost all of your points. The glasses thing, the new found confidence, and the yearning for a new life and a new home. However, I think that you were wrong about something. Mr. Feraco isn't a blessing in disguise. He's right out there in the open.
I have always been the type of person that loves to meet new people and loves to make new friends. I’m the outgoing type and when I see someone that I don’t know, I immediately go and try to talk to them because that’s the kind of person I am. However, towards the end of high school, I let new people in and the ended up hurting me and causing drama. Yes, I know that college is a whole different situation and most of the people have matured by them but I am scared. I am scared to let new people in because I don’t want to start off college with drama and pain. I want to have fun in college without the high school drama. Of course my goal isn’t to push people away, but I wont let them in as easily as I normally do with new people. I probably will be shy at first because I don’t want to go through the pain of letting new people in, but then getting hurt in the end. I want to make new friends in college because I just want to get over high school already. I am so done with all the drama people have caused and the loss I have had over relationships. I am so ready for a new life. I want to create a new me, but at the same time I want to remain the same person because I like the person I am. No one will be able to change me except for myself. I really am confused. I am confused on what I’m writing in this blog. My head is spinning and I don’t know how to explain what I am trying to say. I guess all I want for the next four years is my life is the truth. I want to know who will hurt me or whom I can trust. I want to know if I will be able to handle my classes and handle my surroundings. I am extremely nervous and flustered. I’m not really sure who I want to create. I don’t really want to create everyone. I want to stay true to who I am by being me. I want to create friendships that will hopefully last the rest of my life. I want to be happy, because to be honest, I have not been happy the last couple of months. I don’t want this dumb high school drama to follow me and I think that’s what I’m most afraid of. I think that’s why my head is literally spinning every time I think about it. I know people that I might possibly go to the same school as next year, and the one person in particular is going to the same school as me next year and I am fearful of what will happen. My main focus is to be happy. I want to create someone that is strong and happy. I want to make new friends and I don’t want to have the feeling that I should push them away. I just want to be able to live my life in college with a smile on my face. I might miss high school, but I won’t miss the pain it has caused me. I won’t miss the drama and I won’t miss the person that has made me this way. I will miss my friends, I will miss the teachers that I can go to with all my problems and I will miss seeing the same people everyday. I really hope that I let more people in than I push away in college. I hope to be me for the next four years and I hope to be successful in whatever I do.
I don't particularly want to create anyone, since the person I want to create never really come to life. It's similar to buying something at the mall; I wander in there searching for something and come out with ten unrelated things I didn't know I needed. This probably happens because I don't know who I want to become until I actually move forward with life, and then changes occur before I realize it. If my freshman self appeared in front of me, I would probably feel repulsed by how immature he is. Likewise, the little freshman would probably remark, "wow, what a dull person, what the hell he must want to be a lawyer or something." The same thing would happen for my freshman and 6th grade self, and so on.
When I was a 6th grader, I did really normal activities such as hanging out with friends and playing video games. I had no idea who I wanted to become except that the future would be even more exciting and fun. The universal kid rule of "work sucks, games are awesome" permeated throughout that period, at least that is what I recalled. Towards the end of middle school, I started a time consuming game called "World of Warcraft" (WoW) and spent more time on games than going outside with friends, but I still went out with friends occasionally. In my freshman year, I received a lot more work than I did in middle school, thus my schedule turned into "school, work, WoW, sleep" for weekdays and "wake up, WoW, sleep" for weekends. I went to the mall with friends once in a while, but since we all played that game, the conversation didn't deviate from the game for the most part. We stopped doing things that are silly and stupidly fun because the game required all of our attention. The super exciting and fun person I aspired to become during 6th grade never materialized.
My dulling process began after my freshman year, and I cannot recall why. The monotonous high school work settled in and the ability to drive was just around the corner. At that point, I half-heartedly claimed that I wanted to work as an engineer of some sort because I was proficient at math and engineer was a fairly "Asian" career to choose. I kept on playing WoW, finished monotonous homework one after another, and my life until the second semester of sophomore year stagnated. I took the driving test in December of my sophomore year and failed because the city of Montebello had awful lane markings and the examiner's pet probably died the day before. I took the driving test again in January and passed with one minor error that they probably filled in to avoid suspicion. A month before the driving test, I imagined that high school life with my own car would be the greatest time of my life. After all, I could drive to places without my parents, what more could a 16 year old want?
"Shift to D, right pedal to go, left pedal to stop, I hope I don't hit anything...," I thought to myself the first day I drove to school. The roads have a funny effect of making everybody else twice as irritating and rude, and I joined the ranks of irritating rude drivers. I probably cursed more while driving than I did throughout my life, and when I stepped out of the car on Campus Dr., I became another dull student getting by. I drove to and from school, to and from certain eateries, and my life stayed relatively the same. I couldn't drive my friends because it would be against the law (important), against my mom's wishes that I do not drive anyone (important to survival), and I only have two seats (why did I do this). I couldn't go to the mall or other shops by myself because I tend to buy a lot of clothes at a time and I would require my parents' financial assistance. Life remained the same, except I have a car that I must spend time to wash and care for. The ecstatic and independent person I envisioned never appeared; I still did work, play games, and slept almost every day.
However, during junior and senior year, many unexplainable changes occurred. I seriously chose lawyer as my future career and judged that I was capable of it. World of Warcraft suddenly became monotonous for me and felt like a chore, so I quitted the game and finally had time to finish all my homework assignments. This does not mean that I stopped playing video games; I merely substituted other games for WoW. I also developed strong moral values out of nowhere that I didn't believe in prior to this point. For example, my sophomore self would easily intercept a less than favorable progress report for the sake of survival, but my junior and present self would let the same progress report reach my mom. Aside from honesty, I became much more patient and I don't recall ever feeling bored for the past few years. At the beginning of this year, I also registered to vote when I went to the Post Office for my passport. My politically apathetic self from a few years ago would never care about politics because I felt that it was all about old men blabbering and nothing more. I now have my own stance on gun control, taxation, and foreign affairs. I no longer wish to create anyone in particular at this point, because my previous experiences demonstrated that my future self always deviates from my imagination. With that said, I do want to become less quiet, better at public speaking, and slightly less cynical. Aside from those minor modifications, I would let the next four years shape me, and the four years after that, and so on.
I find it fascinating how people can change from the carefree hedonistic bunch commonly found in schools to the masses of dull or composed (I prefer composed) adults that frequent downtown LA. I do not believe that most people graduate from high school or college and instantly become calm and collected adults. I also wonder if those people intentionally changed themselves, or if their new environment molded them into the same shape. Perhaps many of those adults suddenly became that way in the span of only a few years, similar to myself. What I really want to find out is how the broad range of kids and students with diverse personalities all mature into working adults almost without fail. Is it because the environment or other people force them to mature, or is it because of some sort of instinct that instructs the person to mature in order to survive? Maybe everyone is still the same as before, except that the new suit and professional etiquette cover up the incompatible old traits.
The life of a student – always dull and boring – until you finally meet - or hit – that big frantic sign of your life that says “go do what you have to do”. You suddenly go "zzzz" and everything turns from darkness into light. You suddenly realize your desire and goal to become a lawyer, and you start seeing your future ahead brighter than ever.
I think you did a pretty good job in interpreting your life as it was. You wandered around, having no idea why, and then suddenly you find yourself gaining knowledge. This is the fact that you’ve grown – that we’ve grown – into something entirely different from who we were in the past. Good job!
The first year I attended First Avenue Middle School, I was enrolled in theater for a trimester. As we performed or scenes our teacher would record them. I absolutely hated being recorded! I sounded like I was four years old- worse then my vioce sounds now! Every single time our class would view the tapes, I would duck my head totally embarrassed. I swore to myself I did not sound like that; it is not what I reconginized in the mirror.
Although I began to age, my voice remained the same. When friends started to notice I sounded like I was ten years younger then my literal age I was shamed and embarrassed. I remember returning home from school and asking my parents why I sounded the way I did. As any parent would, they responded by reassuring me my voice was perfectly normal and with time it will age properly with my body.
As one can easily notice, my voice remains the same, but I have learned to accept it is apart of who I am. I now see the same thing in the mirror as I did on the recordings- myself.
As Feraco passed out to the class the handout for "The Examined Life" project, he recommended we complete this project to our own satisfaction. For each one of us to go all out for ourselves,not the grade. I teamed up with a few of my closest friends and painted my room; sounds boring, huh? It was not a typical painting session, especially with my friends. The idea was: before we began to coat the walls with new color, we illustrated them with chalk! Swarming the wall were our most memorable memories, with a few of our biggest obstacles along our four year path. After completing, we painted the wall. Symbolically turning the page to the next chapter of our life. Although we finished with a clean wall, beneath will always lie the experiences that paved the path way into our new chapter.
Reserving a chunk of the wall for my negative memories, I was lost for thoughts. I found this strange because my life is the least bit perfect. Several ideas crossed my mind in order to reach a reasoning; I concluded with: my biggest obstacles, are something I do not want to paint over. I want to remember every single one of them. The constant reminder will keep me grounded to the person I really am. Therefore, I do not want to discard anything. In order to complete this book titled life, when I start a new chapter I have to build on the previous- never starting from scratch.
While most are afraid of changing and becomming someone they are not, I am afraid I will not change. I am 17 years old. There are still millions of lessons I will have to be taught and and trillions of hoops I will have to jump through waiting for me to overcome. Although I will always be Marissa Doucette Davis, I expect myself to better the person I currently am in order to reach my full potential in this thing we call life.
I loved doing the "Examined Life" project with you! I feel like it was a very good way to turn to the next chapter in our lives while still being able to jot down memories we have made throughout our journey.
I think it's funny how without even reading your post before submitting mine, we both ended with our full names.
I look in the mirror a lot. It’s not because I’m self conscious, or really care about how I look, because I don’t. Not really. It’s because I’m constantly surrounded by mirrors. I know what I look like from a distance. What catches me by surprise is when I’m like two or three inches away from the mirror, which is what happened today. I was practicing dancing when I was exhausted and I leaned facing forward into a mirror. I kind of just stood there looking at myself. It was at an uncomfortably close distance, and at an unusual angry. I thought to myself so this is what I look like up close. It’s different seeing my face in a different perspective that makes it seem so alien to me. Should I be surprised? I don’t know. It’s not my face suddenly changed over night. I’ve just never looked at it that close before, but I don’t mind it. It is who I am.
I am really comfortable with who I am. I have consciously built myself up to the person that I want to be. The only thing that I would want to change about myself right now is the fact that I can be a little lazy sometimes. I know it’s not worth it, but I end up making some poor choices in terms of working. Other than that, I feel like I make good choices and I am the person that I’ve wanted to be. I feel kind of similarly about acquiring differences in my life. There isn’t anything specific that I’m seeking, but I am much more open to acquiring different things than wanting to get rid of. I guess it’s just because I am proud of who I have become.
I have a hard time understanding the people who want to be completely different people. They want to be able to do this and that. They want to be nice and kind and gentle. I can’t understand why they want to be that, if they made not to. I mean the choice was always there, and it never truly went away. If you want to be someone else, then go for it. Shape yourself into the person who you want to be. Don’t just hope to be someone else, because you choose who you are. It’s never too late, and I’m kind of insulted when people just wish to be someone else, instead of striving to become that person. I’ve built up the person who I am today. It is easy to slack off. It is easy to be a bunch of other things. I didn’t choose the easy road. I didn’t wish and hope to be who I am today.
It’s not that I’ve hated where I’ve grown up or anything. On the contrary, I’ve loved my house and family. However, I want to begin a new chapter in my life even more. I’m going into something completely different, where I’ll be practically on my own. The decisions I make over the next four years will truly shape who I have become. I want to see what I can do by the time I graduate from college. With that said, I think I’ll be recognizable when I return. I’ve always actively worked to become someone I want to be. I don’t think it will change in college, and I hope to continue improving myself. I have no doubt that I’ll retain some qualities that I have today. I realize that I will most likely undergo a huge metamorphosis in college. I hear most people do. At the same time I think that I’m so sure of my identity that there is no doubt in my mind that there has to be something of my current self that I’ll keep.
In the future I will definitely allow people into my life. Most of my friends are going off to different colleges and I won't be able to see them as often. Some of them may regrettably leave my life for good. This phenomenon can't be prevented- it will happen...but I'm ready for it. I will approach the future with open arms to anybody who feels like being my friend. I really don't want to lose my current friends either. Even though I know i won't see every one of my friends after high school, I will still try my best to maintain my relationships with all these people. If I just sit back and accept the fact that I won’t see some of them in the future, I may lose all of them.
As I prepare for college life, I think of what I want out of this upcoming period of my life. I ask myself if I will recreate myself and start a new life, or will I stay living the life I live now. I want to experience different facets of life but I’m worried I won’t be able to transition into a new lifestyle. It’s hard making such a drastic change, even if you want to. The thing is, I know I want something different but I don’t know what that something is. The uncertainty of the future makes me reluctant to change. This hesitation to change might cause me to close myself off and recede back into my normal tendencies. It won’t allow me to open up and accept the new life that I would ultimately lead. I want to change, but it really is hard.
With all these worries about the future, I still believe that I’ll be able to recreate myself. I will be a more independent and studious person. Somebody who doesn’t need help from others and someone who can handle all the work that is thrown my way via college. I won’t procrastinate either. Things will be done on time and with time to spare in my new life. My recreated life will also include a nice side job teaching kids to play drums. The money from that will be saved to help pay for a new car to drive to my new school in my new life. All of these things will help me rebuild my life.
I think you will recognize me when I visit, because I don’t see myself changing all that much. Sure many aspects of my life will have changed, but I will still have enough pieces my past kept with me so that you can identify me. My new life that I plan to include will still be rooted in my old one. The changes are minor things that will really only optimize my way of life. Things like not procrastinating and being diligent won’t change me so drastically to a point beyond recognition. Maybe I’m just making excuses because I want you to recognize me. I don’t want to be so different when I come back. I want to keep enough pieces of me from the past to still be distinguishable. I like my past and I don’t want to shed all of it and I wish for it to still be a part of me in the future.
Who is the person you want to create? What will they be like?
The person I want to create will come down to my true aspirations and what I choose to do in life. Truly the future is so unclear almost to the sense that it scares me. Recently I registered at PCC, and I currently have zero classes set up for me and it's unsettling. I guess where I start is that I want to be confident. I want to wake up every morning and think, "I got this... let's see what the world is going to throw at me now." I also want to be respectable, someone that people can come to and value what I have to say. I know I have good work ethic, but what I need is strength. I do not mean this as in lifting weights, but that I want to endure hardship, and never give up no matter what. I will want to be a teacher; inspiring, motivating, and well educated. I want to make a difference in some students life and push them beyond expectations as my teachers pushed me. I do not plan to rebuild myself, but to upgrade. After years of Jon, or Jonathan, or J Dub I will shape into Mr. Jonathan Zachary Wong.
What will you keep?
There are so many experiences and memories I hold of Arcadia High that, for me at least, were truly eye opening, maybe even life changing. These past four years have shaped me a lot as a person as I've grown from child to a young adult. I have seen myself grow from 145 lbs to 195 lbs as I am no longer the tall and skinny boy that first entered as a freshman. I've been challenged, mentally and physically and to my surprise I overcame it all, and when I put my cap and gown on, that is my award. I have pushed myself to the limits and furthered my potential all thanks to these past four years. At times I didn't want to leave and others I just wanted to fake sick and just hide under my covers forever. I guess what I want to take with me are the memories of what shaped me. This can come down to a winning touchdown, inspiring teacher, a breakup or even just a lunch with friends, everyday made a difference. High school will be missed, but never forgotten, for like many things that impact you, it's presence is ingrained in me.
Are you going to yearn for home, or eagerly seek out a new life for yourself?
I definitely have lots of mixed feeling about whether I'll keep trying to grasp on to my home life or set out to make a new one. I as we creep closer and closer to the graduation I realize that I will eventually have to let go of my prior life and begin to shape a new one, but the concept is so hard to accept. Right now I am in my comfort zone and to keep holding on to my high school life seems like the easiest solution, but it is essential that i let go in order for me to mature fully. So my solution is take a little of both. Since I will continue to live at home for a couple of years, I will remain friends with the people still in town and enjoy my family while they are still closest to me while still become more independent along the way. I will branch out and come across new friends while still staying in touch with the old ones. I will remain with my parents, but I will not be so dependent as I was before. Life has so much in store for me and to just try to hold on to what I already had, will keep me from ever accomplishing what I still have in store.
And will I recognize you when you visit?
You will most definitely recognize me on my visits back to Arcadia High School. For one my facial features truly have not changed over many years and the chances of them changing any time soon are highly unlikely, or so I think. A rolling joke that has lived with me throughout high school is my inability to grow facial hair. All of my friends crack up on how it will take me three weeks to grow three hairs on my chin and for their to be any sign of a mustache. They all say that I am the one that looks the oldest now, but in a couple years I will then be the youngest looking. Hopefully when the time comes and I return to AHS all that will change in my physical appearance that is different is a different haircut and a new style of clothing.
As humans, we are all constantly changing no matter how old or young we are. There are always things that are changing to us whether it may be beliefs, height, age, and so on. While we change as time goes on the things we lose put a hole in us causing us to have room to change and fill in the spots. As we lose those pieces the new one we get will either change us for the better or worse, but what we leave behind is important too. I think what you lose is also really important because if you never had that piece one time in your life would you still be the same person you are now. Like what if you never had one of the pieces you have now in your life or what if you never lost one of your pieces. By you not having or losing one of your pieces it will affect the outcome of what else you pick up or lose which will make you a completely different person. The pieces we lose aren't lost for no reason everything you decide to lose or change about you was done for a reason. With the pieces that we leave behind we create someone who will be completely different from who you are now, but if you look back at all of your fragments together I think you will see a personal timeline of yourself aging because you will see everything that you have left behind and you will see what you have changed about yourself in different periods of your life. I think that we will recognize our face in the mirror when we are done but I think that we will not see it as who we are now instead we will we who we use to be.
In September I will be starting school at Gnomon and I will need to create a completely different me or change a lot. I saw that because most of the people attending Gnomon are people in the gaming industry who just want to go and pick up more skills, and then there are a few college graduates who are furthering their education before they go try and land a spot at the company they want to work at. When I went for open house at Gnomon I was the only one that was 17 and the rest of the people looked like they were at least in their thirties and up with a few people in their twenties. I really do not think that I will have any classmates my age during my time at Gnomon but I do not mind that because this school will allow me to pursue what I really want to do.
The reason I will have to change is because everyone else there will have had so much more experience than me that there skill we be a lot better so I will have to work a lot harder to even produce art as nice as theirs. Another thing I will need to acquire is good time management skills because that is one something that I do not have and I will need it next year so I will not have everything all piled up. Another thing I need to change and fast is my art skill because the skills I have now is not sufficient enough to meet the expectations of my teachers at Gnomon so I will have to improve my skills a lot.
One thing that I will need to discard is my procrastination because I know that if I do not discard it I will fail my assignments that I get because if I do not work on my project until the night before I will not have enough time to finish it. Also another thing I need to discard is my laziness because if I put in the amount of effort that I do now in my art class in school I know that I will not get a good grade. The thing is I am in art one and I took it just for fun it’s a class where I do not need to put in a lot of effort to get an A because the art the teacher expects out of us I can produce without trying too hard. This is not the case at Gnomon though because everyone else will be who knows how many times better than me so I will have to try and give it more than a hundred percent to even do okay since there not trying will look as good as me trying.
I am eager to let people into my life because from Gnomon and on everyone I meet at the school will be people who I will be connected to. Also, by letting those people into my life and getting close to them it will allow me to from a friendship with them and who knows they might be the ones who refer me to the managers in the company they work in to get me a job. Also, If I do not let anyone new into my life it will be hard to get through Gnomon alone because I am sure I will need help throughout the three years and anyone there can probably help me since they are all more skilled. Another reason that I am eager to let new people into my life is that if I do not it will be really boring and hard to get through Gnomon because I do not think that I will be able to make it through alone because people need each other to get through things.
Will you recognize me when I visit, well I really do not know if you will or not but hopefully you remember some of me if not all. Like just the other day I went on Facebook and I searched up a classmate of mine from fifth grade who I never talked to since then and when I saw pictures of him I could tell it was him and he looked the same to me just taller and his face was not as chubby and it has been seven years since I last saw him. But you might not recognize me because just last night I went to go eat dinner with my cousins friend who has not see me for seven years too and he could not recognize me at all like he was about to shake my hand but then he did not cause he could not tell that I was Kalvin. After going through those two experiences I think that when I go visit you it will go either way because both experiences the time span was seven years and the outcome is different.
Who is the person you want to create? What will they be like?
I have wanted to become an airhostess since I was a child. Unfortunately, I found myself unable to conquer the fear of height and gave up this goal. With each lesson learned I want to become someone different, someone whose potential is maximized. At this moment I am still not sure what I want to be because there is so much more that I haven’t explored. I hope that in four years when I graduate from college, my face in the pictures will be different—more confident and more mature. I am leaving my childhood dreams behind and heading for a brand new life. No fear, no doubt, just choose the way my intuition and knowledge want me to go.
What will you acquire?
As we grow older, we will eventually get rid of our childishness and become mature. I slowly learn that life is not perfect, but we have to appreciate what we have because we have been better than a lot of people. I will also be also to right from wrong, knowing what to do and what not to, considering what is beneficial and what will harm others. Experiencing more helps me learn from mistakes and teaches me life lessons; such experiences prevent me from future mistakes. I will also gain courage and independence as I leave my parents, because living in a remote area forces me not to rely on them. Most importantly, I will find my true self. In the next few years, as I stay in college and live a life that is never the same as now, I will be clear about what I am good at, what I am interested in, and what I want to do in the future.
Are you going to be eager to let new people into your life, or will you reflexively push them away?
Maybe due to the reason that I am the only child in my family, I sometimes act or think things selfishly. I assumed that the world revolves around me. When new people tried to enter my life, I pushed them away by not talking to them because I was afraid that they would take my place. When I first came to Arcadia High School, I felt shy and refused to make new friends. I had never been to a place with so many people at my age. I could not at once accept this big community because my middle school had less than one-tenth of Arcadia High’s population (357 students). Nevertheless, after three years of high school, I open my eyes. I have met so many amazing people who have helped me a lot and whose actions make me realize that letting new people into my life is a good thing. I know that when I attend college, I will be living in a much bigger community and seeing new faces. I will get rid of the habit of pushing people away and get ready to let more people come into my life.
Are you going to yearn for home, or eagerly seek out a new life for yourself?
I am going to ambivalently yearn for home and want to seek out a new life for myself. As high school seniors, we will soon leave our parents, entering colleges and starting to live by ourselves. When our parents are still living with us, we can hardly tell how important they are and appreciate what they have done for us. For instance, they always cook for us and do the laundries. Such tiny cares have already integrated into our lives that we won’t know until they are gone. In addition, people are afraid of loneliness. Home is my shelter. It provides safety, warmness and care. However, I also want to seek a new life, because I do not want to live under protection all my life. The only way to find who I really am and what I aim for indeed is to become independent. Although we will lose most of protection from parents by leaving home, we will eventually grow stronger and become able to take care of ourselves.
Wow, your reply was amazing.
I like they way how you answer those questions.
Reading this blog really hit me hard. It really made me realize how fast this all went. But with that, I’ve discovered that graduating is pretty much a bittersweet feeling. At the same time, I don’t want to leave high school and all my friends behind, but I’m anxious to open new doors and create somebody new. I’ve thought about it and I’m not really sure who I want to create out of myself. All I know is that I want to be happy in my future no matter what I choose to pursue.
They say that pictures are worth a thousand words. I know it might be cheesy, but I really just want to keep pictures and memories of everyone that’s made me who I am today. So that when I look back on them, I’ll sit there stupidly laughing at a photograph remembering the inside jokes we’ve had and all the fun memories we’ve made.
I remember in middle school and that was one of the times where I felt like having the most friends meant the most to me. But looking back at those times, I can honestly see how naïve I was. As time progressed from middle school to high school and as I gradually grew older, I’ve come to realize that it’s not the number of friends that you have that should matter, it’s the friends that matter most to you and that have stuck with you through thick and thin that should be most important to you. And the reason why I mention this is because we’re all about to enter a new chapter in our lives. A pretty big chapter if you ask me. It’s a whole new environment, with more and more people to get to know. And I look back and I can honestly point out some of the truest friends that have stuck with me since grade 6, 7, and 8. We’re all about to separate and as hard as that is, I feel like I’ll never forget that those people were some of the truest most sincere people that have stuck with me through everything. And it’s not everyday when people like that walk into your life. So when I enter college and I’m meeting new faces each and everyday, I’ll still keep a part of my old friends with me. I’ll still be eager to let new people into my life, simply because there’s always room for more. I also know that all of the people I meet probably won’t turn out to be my truest friends, but it’s worth the shot right?
With all these old memories and old doors closing, I’m still anxious to seek a new life for myself. Obviously, it’s not healthy to always be living in the past. I’m excited to see what I can do and how I’ll look in maybe 5 or 10 years. To be honest, most of my anxiety comes from who I’ll still be keeping in touch with in my future.
So with that said, I’m eager to have people walk in and out of my life. But I know the people I treasure the most will always remain inside. Lastly, I just wanted to mention that I have this strong belief that if people were meant to stay in your life for any reason, they’ll find a way to. All I can say is that, if life happened to go as fast as senior year did, I’d better treasure everyday of it.
The relationship you have with your friends is so heart-warming!
The end of high school remains bittersweet to me. With the days leading up to graduation dwindling down, new fears are beginning to form. I can still remember how much I wanted the four years to pass as quickly as possible. Now that it is my last year, I just want time to slow down. I fear that I am not ready to face college and enter the real world where I cannot rely on my parents. I will miss high school because of the safety net it provided for me. The future scares me. Nevertheless, I still want to grow and develop as a person, so learning to let go of high school is necessary.
As I leave for college, I want to completely grow out of my high school self. I want create a more confident version of myself, one who does not hold herself so guardedly. Through the entirety of high school, I resolved to break out of my comfort zone and become less of an introvert, but I failed to do so because of my insecurities. I constantly worry about how people perceive me and am very self-conscious of every action I make. Not only that, I tend to be very passive because I do not really know how to put myself out there. I would like to transform into a mature person who can hold herself in a dignified manner and speak more assuredly.
An aspect of myself I would want to keep when I leave would have to be my determination. If there is one thing I pride myself in, it would be my persistency to work hard in any given situation. Despite the fact that my hard work does not always guarantee me the results I want, I still strive to pursue my goals. In contrast, an aspect I would want to discard is my perfectionist habits. I feel as if being a perfectionist prevents me from reaching my full potential because I remain so unhappy with the work I do. This hinders me from being able to accept things the way they are because I concern myself too much with flaws that I fail to see the beauty of imperfections, or in my case, mediocrity.
Like the majority of graduating seniors, I most yearn for my independence as I leave my home life behind and create a new life in college. I hope to further expand my horizons by trying new experiences and meeting new people. The prospect of finally leaving the Arcadia bubble is appealing to me. I want to have the opportunity to branch out and immerse myself in a wholly different environment. I can hardly contain the anticipation I have for college, mainly because of the drastic change it will be from high school. I hope I will gain more knowledge and more experience. Despite how different college will be, I know I will be able to adapt and make the most out of my experience.
I like your response. I believe everyone should grow out of their high school selves, in order to be part of something greater in life.
Reminds me of the boy in that one vignette that wanted his life to pass before him and he didn't understand his grandfather until he was 30. I remember not even think graduation was ever going to come. It felt like forever away from me and look at where we are now. It all went by so fast.
It’s hard for me to realize that high school is actually coming to an end now and we will all be going our separate ways. I have grown up around the same people all my life. Sure I’ve met many people throughout the years and have gotten closer to some in this past year. But it’s not like I have moved from city to city and switched school districts. I am proud to say that I have gone to Arcadia schools all my life and will be graduating as an apache. Living in Arcadia has been a part of what has molded me to being the person I am today.
Leaving Arcadia High School gets me nervous. No more school dances. No more school bells. I won’t have a teacher that I can get to know well. I won’t be walked through each of my days. I am happy that I have accomplished all these years here but now what? I become a matador and a new life begins? Luckily, I will be close enough to home that I can visit whenever. If I have the time to do so that is. This is something I wonder; I say I can come home whenever, but will I? Am I going to spend time with my family when given the opportunity or will I make new friends and hang out with them on weekends? It’s easy to say family comes first when you live with them because whether you want to or not you can be forced to spend time with them. And I don’t necessarily say this as a bad thing. My brother Anthony is my best friend and he knows everything there is to know about me and my life. Leaving both of my older brothers seems like the hardest thing that I will have to leave behind. Even though my oldest brother and I don’t get along sometimes, I know for a fact I will truly miss having him around. Both my mom and dad have been there for me all my life and I feel like I will have to experience what it’s like without having them take care of me each step of the way. I won’t know if I will be ready for all of this until I go out and try it for myself.
I plan to make new friends, but keep the old.
As far as the person I want to create, I do not want some sudden change as soon as high school is over. If I am going to change I hope it will be for nothing but the better. I don’t want to be the girl who is shy around people she just met. I don’t want to be the girl who can’t focus on group projects. And I don’t want to be a student that procrastinates on their work .Instead; I want to be able to try my best on everything I do. I want to build more self- confidence and be able to get comfortable around people sooner.
Looking back at the past few years, I do not regret what I have done because I feel like there was a reason for all of my actions and it has made me the person I am today. However, I do feel like I should love myself a little bit more because after all there is only one Vanessa Shereen Nassih and that is me.
Very thoughtful writing. I think we are both wondering the same thing, whether we will be visiting home when in college, or how often we will visit. I am going to the east coast and not sure that I want to come back home, but somehow I think that I will, and I guessing that you will want to visit home too. And I like the last paragraph. Good work.
Freshman year seems eons ago. Time has certainly passed by quickly though. Challenges, difficulties, relief, pain, happiness, all these emotions occurred around me. High school offered a choice to discover who we truly are. No more peer pressure, different identities, or cliques, but to finally come down on our real character. This life has certainly been interesting, far unique than any experience, but considered to occur once. What happens in the future will carve the next path, but the previous journey will always determine us.
Excitement surrounded upon discovering college is the next step. To enjoy boundaries outside high school, see new people, pushes a new world. Unfamiliar faces turn into friends and neighbors. Although high school can be compared to college through new phases, college shows knowledge and individuality expressing itself. Everyone has a chance to refresh their acted persona before and portray original character. These aspects only empower myself in taking every opportunity offered from college. High school will be missed, yet college is anticipated.
Coolness swept across my face, hearing the tree’s resting alongside the beautiful countryside. A stark contrast to the urban environment back at home, this forested area perceives another side. No longer is the hectic lifestyle, this area my home for the next four years. Far from home, yet close to relatives, maybe, perhaps maybe, the return to Arcadia is decades away. A different lifestyle is months away, miles away of the beaches and highways, enclosing me with trees and high arcing mountains. Emotions encapsulate me consisting of feelings never felt before. Where being adventurous, ambitious, and simply glad, is finally here.
Nostalgia surrounds me at the age of 22, briskly turning the pages of the yearbook. Faces where likely I will not see again, but hope to see one last time. An environment only gone in my eyes, but returning at every turn. Arcadia has represented, exemplified, and personified where I was raised. Missing might not be the right word, but rather, living within me. From drinking milk tea boba’s to having a feast at Sin Bala, those traits I will crave for each and every single day. Aspiration, Remembrance, Confidence, Ambition, Diligent, Inspiration, and Adventure, this is my Arcadia.
I agree with you on the nostalgia. I will miss Arcadia and the people I've met here greatly.
I like the way that you have written your piece. It sounds as if it was a book – a diary rather – in which the audience is just flipping through the pages, going through your life as if we were just reading it. Life when you were small, then older, and finally at the age of 22, when you eventually realize that all that was in your childhood and teenage years were long gone, and that you were old – at least older than you think. Awesome idea!
P.S. Hopefully I interpreted your piece right!
The person I am and the person I want to be, both have changed so greatly over the span of my life, almost as if they’re completely different people. But they’re not, just a different extension of me. When I was an itty bitty girl back in elementary school I wanted to be a fairy princess, accompanied with a charming prince and a happily-ever-after. As I grew up, I’ve matured but somehow managed to still harbor some naïveté; I still want my perfect ending but I’ve come to terms that it’ll be an imperfectly perfect finish. I want to become a confident and capable person, one that I’ve faltered at being this year. I feel a sort of personal potential to live up to, something I know I can be but have yet to fully unlock. If I were to exactly say what I want to be, I’d say someone vulnerable enough to be open, but strong enough to carry on independently, someone smart and wise to make the right choices in life, but able to make the stupid, silly mistakes that make life memorable. I want everything and my future is so promising and mysterious. I cannot wait to explore it.
I’ve never really liked the person I’ve become recently. As far as bad habits go, I gossip about everything and everyone, I snap because of short temper fuse, I procrastinate and laze around, and I don’t take chances because of my insecurities. There’s a lot more and I’m pretty aware of what an unpleasant person I can be. It’s completely against my liking that sometimes I can turn into someone even I myself can’t stand. And I want to forget this me; I want everyone to forget. But the fact that I acknowledge this, doesn’t it mean that I at least have the right intentions and morals? I’ve spent eighteen long years falling and making mistakes so I definitely want to keep the lessons they’ve taught me. I want to keep my awareness and know my limitations so I want have to be a person I will end up regretting.
In the future, I want it all. The experience, the romance, the friendships, the education, I want it all. As a young child, I was sheltered by my parents, having strict curfews and rules to abide by. As I grew up, my parents gave me a lot more freedom but I didn’t know what to do with it. When I did use my rights, I often abused them like every irresponsible teenager. Now that I’m leaving for college, I’ll be forced into this situation more often. And I’ll have the chance to get it all.
If you asked me a year ago, I wouldn’t have been willing to visit Arcadia High School. Without the friends there, high school just seemed like a prison. But this year has really opened my eyes. I have cherished teachers whom I’m sure I will never forget; I won’t name them but there are exactly three. I have Orchesis to think of fondly yet ever so nostalgically, swearing now to visit every single performance. And I’m sure everything at Arcadia will have changed by the time of my first visit. But how much will I change? Will you be able to recognize me? I’m hoping yes and no. Yes, I want you to remember my fondly as that girl who’s a pleasure in class yet has a tragic habit of sleeping and turning in things late. But also no, I don’t want you to still think of me as a silly high school girl. I want to become a more respectable person, molded and bettered by college. I want to become a more awesome version of me.
Senior year has definitely been a pivotal point in my life – from my changed physical appearance to my progressing, or digressing depending on how you see it, mental state. This year has not been the greatest of years academically speaking, but I have experienced much more to life. This year has been a roller coaster ride; I have experienced moments of overwhelming happiness, and moments of relentless despair. Next year, I will be attending college, my first real step into the adult world. No more special treatment as a minor, no more fooling around. This is not to say that I will be a completely different person, but changes will have to be made.
I cannot soo readily move from, metaphorically speaking, black to white. This means that change will have to come slowly to me because I am not soo willing to discard the identity that creates my being. I am foolish and playful – qualities that can be considered as immature. However, these traits are integral parts of me now, and for these to completely disappear from my personality, in a blink, would destroy my identity. On one hand though, to progress with professionalism, I will have to tone down these qualities and maintain proper control of my life. I want to be someone who can be fun and sociable, while keeping proper restraints on myself. To move forward, I will have to acquire a better sense of judgment and responsibility - I cannot allow myself to go off path. My life will hopefully be one where I can stay true to who I really am.
After summer comes to an end, I will, hopefully, be attending the University of California Irvine. This shift in location, from Arcadia to Irvine, means that I will have to meet new people, a fact that I am completely open to. Regardless of the fact that Irvine is Asian dominated, this does not discount the fact that meeting new people will garner new experiences. I will gain a number of close friends whom I can count on in the future, and these people will add to my life story. At times I can see myself yearning for home - the old life, the movement back to youth – but life goes on, and this is something that I must accept. College will push me to seek out a new life for myself, to become independent. Closing my eyes and sitting back, I can envision a better me.
When all is said and done, and my life has gone mostly the way as I have it planned out in my mind, I will be changed, but at the same time, unchanged. What that means is, new responsibilities will be laid on me that I must adhere to. If all goes well, I will have a family and a job by the ten year reunion. However, on a more personal note, I want to remain the way I am now, personality wise. I want to be the person that I am now – light-hearted, compassionate, and friendly. I don’t want the hardships of life to change these core elements of my existence. I want to walk into the reunion in the distant future with my usual stupid grin and my outgoing/ slightly obnoxious attitude. When old friends and acquaintances see me, I want them to recall the me of old, and meet the me of the future.
Kevin Y. Period 5
Am I satisfied with who I am today? Can I honestly look in the mirror and be proud of myself? I wake up every morning, go to the bathroom, and look at myself before I step in the shower. All I see is a young man who is struggling to piece his whole life together. The reflection in the mirror reveals a blurry image that slowly fades away every morning. High school life has been my struggling point in life where my opinions and beliefs contradict all those around me. I can’t even count with both my hands the number of times I’ve been kicked out of the house for fighting with my parents. Religion and enlightenment are all but dust in the wind that blows farther and farther out of my reach. Education and relationships continue to tear apart my brain. My eyes look at one thing, but my head wanders off to a different world. Just like the protagonist in the story “The Lost Year”, I feel as though I wake up and find myself inside a dream. I’ve got everything, yet I’ve got nothing. How can I make my reality as wonderful as my dreams?
I admit I am not satisfied with who I am right now. I possess the skills to succeed in life, but my stray focuses and concerns continue to plague my life. All the experiences in my life have shaped me into a person who I did not want to become. In the past, my temper, dishonesty, impulsiveness, and desperation for happiness created memories that I wish I could forget. If I wanted something, I had to have it right away for fear of losing it in the future. I’ve lost a grip on numerous opportunities in my life, resulting in a nonstop feeling of regret inside my soul. If there was a remote that could rewind back to certain situations in my life, I would take it in a heartbeat. What’s done is done, but I wish I could let go and change for the better. Two years ago, my mission to fix myself and my image commenced.
With the help of others, I was able to accomplish a huge feat in my life. I disintegrated my temper, developed patience, and earned trust in other people by becoming a straightforward, truthful individual. I cannot say that all these traits remain perfect, even as of today. The journey remains a lifelong mission, but as of now, I’m focusing on my search for happiness. Even after I fixed my worst traits, I still feel as though I have something missing in my life. It’s apparent to me that almost everything in my life contradicts to who I want to become. I’ve won battles, but the war continues to rage on. Two years ago, I was a complete mess. Now, I am a much more accomplished and steady individual. How come I can’t find what truly makes me happy? I know most of my friends will go about their own lives as I advance to college. My family and I will most likely disconnect as I move on with my life. Everything I wanted to become continues to cross itself out on my dreams list. Everything I want to do before I graduate continues to fade away as the deadline for graduation creeps closer and closer.
As I move on to the next stage in life, I want my past experiences to build and create a strong foundation for who I want to become. I want to be successful. I want to make a difference in the world. I want my true friends to stay close to me for the rest of my life. But most of all, I want to be happy. I guess that’s my lifelong goal after I graduate. I want to find what truly makes me a happy person. I want my happiness to develop from me being myself and doing what is best for me. I want to come back and visit Mr. Feraco as a happy individual. In order to earn this reward, I must leave my past in the past and move on through the rest of my life with my head held high. I want Mr. Feraco to see me as a success in his mission to prepare us for what’s coming in the future. Desires must be put into actions and these actions must accomplish the happiness I desire during my life’s journey. When I come back, I will look in the mirror and be proud of who I am. Mr. Feraco will look at me, shake my hand, and nod in satisfaction knowing that I have become what makes me truly happy.
I agree Haram. I think you've got better tools to succeed than most, yet you prefer to keep them in your toolbox. You have so much potential, yet you are often distracted and drawn off course.
This piece is really inspirational.
Its nice to see that in spite of the setbacks you've faced during high school, you're still hopeful for the future. I can tell you are a very strong person because of the things you have endured and overcome. I have confidence that this strength in character will contribute greatly to your future success. Good luck Haram!
I want to create and become a man that I can be proud of; that my parents can be proud of. He will have a job that he loves, regardless of its pay. He will be married to a woman whom is both adorable and intellectually superior to him. The two will have a child or so, whose will be at top priority of their parents. The man I become will be a Good Samaritan that always does what he feels is morally appropriate. He will try his hardest to be a loving, caring father that his children will love and want to stay in touch with after growing up and moving out. I then look forward to becoming the grandpa who spoils his grandchildren.
If I could put myself back together I would definitely change a few things. I would keep my personality, for the most part, but I feel like sometimes I’m a little too cruel with some of the jokes I make. If it were this easy to change I would do it. One of the biggest things I would change about myself would be to make myself Caucasian. This isn’t because I’m ashamed of or dislike my heritage, culture, or family traditions, but because I feel like I act much more like a white person than the Chinese one that I am. It really bugs me that when some people see me, they immediately assume the Asian stereotypes: poor driver, doesn’t speak English well, and speaks “Asian;” because it’s a generic language, right?
A perfect example includes myself and a few friends that ventured to Taisho Bowl for lunch one day and when we got there, there was and old Asian couple leaving and a mailwoman arriving. The Asian couple’s car had its gas cover open with the gas cap out. The mailwoman noticed this first and she was trying to tell them, but it was clear that the couple did not understand what she was saying and just smiled and waved back at her. Upon my arrival with all my WHITE friends, the mailwoman asked me to inform the couple of what she was trying to tell them. My first response was, “Uhh. What?” And a look of shock and awe came over her face. I could tell she realized that she was wrong in her assumptions, as she soon apologized, but I still didn’t take it too well. Reasons like these are why I would rather be Caucasian because it would better depict me to a stranger; that is all.
I like to think that I am open to meeting others and I know that I would consciously like to let new people into my life, but I’m afraid that I would reflexively push them away, unfortunately. I think that I will end up yearning for home in the coming years because it’s not THAT bad; plus everything’s free. Then again I have yet to experience life away from home, so there’s really no knowing of what I’ll want until I’ve had a taste of both. Living a new life for myself I can only hope that I find a friend or girlfriend that will keep me under control and on top of my world.
It is great that you want to become such a person with a good family. As for desiring not to be Asian, it does kind of suck that people automatically assume stereotypical things. I am sure, though, that you have not been an example of those stereotypes. So make the best of it, try not to let other people's lack of knowledge of you, anger or disappoint you. Good work Justin.
I wish to transcend my humanity, for it is the one thing that restrains me from accomplishing the things that I will do, and the things that I must do.
Day to day we must challenge our worst enemies, our own reasoning and limitations embedded within our minds by both society and science. This type of reasoning has leaked into our personal lives as we slowly begin to think in terms of whether we are allowed to do things, instead of just doing them and seeing what we are not allowed to do. In a way, our creative and expansive abilities of thought have slowly deteriorated, and we have become our own enemies.
I recall watching a clip from a documentary of which I am constantly annoyed at myself for forgetting the name of. In the clip, it shows a young woman walking toward a child who is vehemently angry at her. Not because of anything that she has done, but for whom she is and what she represents. He spat at her in the face, and all she did was merely look at the child in the eyes and smile. She continued to walk toward him with her arms wide open. He pulled back, but she managed to grasp him in her arms, and she asked her his name. The response was a violent blow to the head and he started to beat her mercilessly, until the recording crew managed to separate them. As he was pulled away from her, she merely said, “It was nice talking with you.” Immediately after those words were stated the boy started crying. She threw away her human instincts of survival, ignored common sense, and walked up into the jaws of the lion with arms wide open. She transformed hate into love, and essentially transcended her humanity to become something more. She became the immovable wall that stopped the “unstoppable” force. Her actions will not change the hatred that other people like the child may have toward her race, but it is a step, and “the journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.” (Lao Tzu)
My parents came to America and managed to succeed against all the odds. They had nothing, and managed to create something from it. Now the flag is in my hands and it is my turn to carry it forward. Ironically, the path I took appears to be equally improbable. Science has dictated and has already decided my maximum muscular potential through a scientific equation, “Maximum lean body mass= Height^ (1.5)*((Square root (weight)/22.6670)(Square root (ankles)/17.0104))((%Body fat desired/224)+1)”. To make a long story short, my maximum muscular potential at 10% body fat is only the low number of 196.76 pounds. There is a huge probability that I may not be able to make a name for myself in the world of professional bodybuilding, but “Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore.” (Andre Gide). And ultimately, “Failure is not falling down but refusing to get up.” (chinese proverbs)
I will become the adhesive that my family needs. But, not just an adhesive, I will be the guide that they’ve needed. The day I return home, though it may be just to visit, I will finally be able to show the dad that has never known anything other than work what it is like to enjoy a day with his family. I will be able to relieve him of his duties in providing for his family and help him retire and live a life of peace.
I’ve been long overdue to get on the boat that has been built up through the past 18 years, but now it’s time to set sail.
Clementine: This is it, Joel. It's going to be gone soon.
Joel: I know.
Clementine: What do we do?
Joel: Enjoy it.
- Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
To be continued.
I really like this quote. I'm interested to see where you're going with this.
Can you believe it? Class of 2011. That feels weird to type.
I keep avoiding the fact that we're all going to be leaving pretty soon- this includes the high school me that is going to be leaving pretty soon, too.
I started my senior year off as 16 years old.
Though I am just months apart from my peers, to me I have always felt behind in everything- perhaps it is by fate that I was a late baby.
In September, I was this scared little girl who was too insecure and too fearful to allow anything miraculous to happen. I felt underdeveloped to the reason that I seemed to cave into my own corner of timidity whilst it felt as if my entire class chanted "seniority" and "can't wait to graduate!" I couldn't relate to that. As much as I wanted to fit into each cookie cutter shape, my flimsy self seemed to resist in anything.
I could not do this. I could not do that. But if anything, I could not stand it anymore.
I am graduating as a 17 year old.
I will not be an adult when I leave this premise.
But I know that emotionally I will be an adult, and I will not let anybody or anything redefine me as otherwise.
My peter pan complex has eventually begun to disintegrate, and with every step I take I look back and think of how foolish I was years, months, and even days ago. My whole idea of "I don't want to grow up" has now evolved into "I am grown up."
You realize things about yourself before you know it. I am a lot stronger than I thought I was. I am a lot smarter than I thought I was. I am a lot more than people think I am.
And I will not fall short of what I am capable of doing and becoming.
Through the many identities that I have carried, I bring them with me to weave together my own name, Jacqueline Wung. 14 letters put together to piece an identification to my existence. It's going to be spoken under the megaphone. I am going to have my own 10 seconds of claps and cheering. With my worst fear of having to trip on the way to receive my diploma, it does not even come to par to the exhilarating thought of "This is it."
It's been a long run. It really has. A nice long run, actually.
And the way I see it, high school is just like a fancy dinner.
We are brought three course meals, each with its own respective dishes of sweet and salty in each year.
Having it ironically end with..
Junior year: the loss of a social life and the loss of your identity, drizzled over with a state of confusion of "do I really want to go to this college?" and a side dish of "is it all worth it?"
An unappetizing after taste.
Life is surprising. Sometimes it gives us bitter and sweet in one sitting, sometimes solely one or the other. It can end on a note that is unexpected, and if you're lucky it can go exactly as planned.
Senior year, our time to reminisce what we have taken in. Our tongues are peeking into the crevices of our insides in hopes to find bits and pieces of remnants that might have been left in our mouths, to sadly find none. And until we have digested the fact that we can't have it back anymore, we are brought more plates.
And so enjoy it, for this too shall pass.
I think we've all held too tightly onto that Peter Pan complex for a time in our lives. I really get where you're coming from when you say that. We all grow out of it on our own time, and sometimes even a small piece of it will always stick with us. I know, for myself at least, that there's a lot of things I need to overcome and I'm not doing anything about it because I'm not brave enough. But it all happens gradually. We just need to be patient.
Believe me when I say this, I've noticed that you've become a much braver person from when I first met you and that's something I really look up to in you Jacks! And reading this post makes me even happier for you and puts me in even more awe of you!
I'm really grateful for the opportunity I've had to grow with you this year, Jackie (:
Who is the person you want to create? What will they be like?
I have very high expectations for myself in the near future. Not only do I expect myself to have better art skills, I want to be the kind of person that wows people with every word I speak. I want to be the man that everyone respects, even if the people openly show dislike towards me. What I want to be is sharp, confident, and courageous. I’m hoping that I will be able to look back at my childhood and reflect on how much I’ve grown and developed. I also want to be well rounded and practical in order to show my competence in society. I don’t necessarily want to be know it all, rather a do it all. Reaching these kinds of expectations might be a little outlandish, but if I ever succeed then that would make me feel accomplished.
Are you going to yearn for home, or eagerly seek out a new life for yourself?
When I went to summer camp in the past years of my life, I’ve always felt a tinge of homesickness at the very least. When I go to Taiwan annually to visit my father, my longing to return to my house grows even stronger. However, I felt like that when I was a child, back in the day when I knew that my home is my sanctuary. As I grew older, my outlook on life changed. I no longer want to stay in my shelter; I need more space to stretch out my wings and arms. A tree starts as a seed in one place, but eventually it will have to branch out (literally) in order to survive. I admit that my home is safe and comfortable, but if I am to mature and grow further, I will need to gain experience outside. I will definitely miss my parents and my cat (if I am unable to bring her along), however my curiosity cannot be contained by the cramped town of Arcadia. Perhaps one day I will return home or settle down somewhere alone, but as of now, I feel the need to drift along as I please.
I plan to stay in California, however I would settle in livelier and more colorful places such as Hollywood or somewhere like that. Unfortunately, I am quite paranoid of stepping out of my shell. A secure life is sometimes harmful, since I have many doubts and fears of living alone. I haven’t quite experienced enough “Grown up” tasks such as paying bills, getting jobs, and making appointments. However, if I ever get the chance to travel, then perhaps I will. At the same time, I feel paranoid about it because of the diseases and dangers in the other countries. If I don’t explore the world, then my life would be dull and uninspiring. I have a lot of inner conflict, but in the end I will still live independently.
What will you keep?
Even though I was a very depressed child, I still plan to keep as many material items as I could possibly do so. My old items are relics of the past and living records of my origins. My past may not be the most pleasant thing to remember, but I can still look back at it and tell myself “hey, I survived this.” This is obviously not hoarding, but it is more about knowing what kind of person I was. In addition, I will also do my best to keep as many friends I can on facebook, just so that I won’t forget who I grew up with. My childhood shaped who I was, and I feel that it is my obligation to not let it go.
It is great that you have high expectations for yourself. I, like you, want to branch out and go explore other places than Arcadia. Good writing.
I am going to Boston! Soon a 3000 mile expanse of land will separate me from what I now call home. It will separate me from many of my friends staying in California. In Boston I will be eager to let new people into my life, simply because the friendships I have built will not be the same after high school. We will head our separate ways and pursue different goals. I won’t get to talk with them nor hang out with them as much as I have over the years. Because I am leaving these people I want to meet others. I will soon be surrounded by thousands of new faces, all part of the Class of 2015, not to mention the other students from the 59 other colleges in the area. It won’t be too hard to find some new friends.
I want to branch out and broaden my perspective of the world and life. Arcadia has been a phenomenal place to call home for the past 18 years, but the atmosphere and people have generally been the same in these years. This is not necessarily bad, but it can be uneventful at times. Boston is drastically different than Arcadia. People carry themselves in a different manner, they have different lifestyles. The weather is colder and the sunshine in each day doesn’t last as long. You can’t go to snowboarding in the morning and to the beach during the night. It won’t be easy to handle all the changes but I know that when in Boston things will work themselves out. I can handle it. I won’t really seek out a new life, but rather spend it in a different place. I don’t think I have changed much in high school. Though my opinions have become more concrete and enduring. Because I have not changed much in high school I don’t expect to change dramatically in Boston.
I have the great skill of being able to remember and notice small details. Aside from the few physical objects that I will keep in college and throughout my adulthood, I find my memories to be the most important. I want to keep many memories of my pre-college life. I want to remember the great times I had as a kid running through playground playing freeze tag, the time I took a field trip to Astrocamp, the time I was set loose in Time Square with no adult supervision. The things I want to discard are some of the bad memories. I’d rather not recall family arguments or times of deep frustration. If I am able to push these aside then I will be left with more fond memories, which will make life more enjoyable in the future.
When I come back to visit, I hope you will be able to recognize me. I don’t think that I will physically change much more between now and my first visit. I know that I will mature more and present myself more like an adult, but this shouldn’t really keep anyone from recognizing someone. But there is one physical change that may prevent you, and many, many others from recognizing me. I have thought over getting contacts for a long time now. Unlike Mr. Feraco, I just accepted that I had to wear glasses (at second grade when I didn’t really have a choice in the matter). People recognized him best when he didn’t have glasses. He built up an identity in which glasses where not a part of. Now that he does wear glasses, he has built a new identity. As for myself, my glasses have been apart of my identity for nearly my whole life. When people think of what Ben Kvisler looks like, glasses come along with the package. But now, I am starting to really dislike having to wear them when I want to do activities in which good vision makes the activity so much more enjoyable. I dislike that I cannot plow face first into a pillow when I am tired because I fear that my glasses will get bent. I dislike that when I go swimming I can’t see clearly underwater. I dislike that when I take portraits, you can see the back of my head through my glasses. I dislike that I have to take my glasses off when riding on a roller coaster because they may shake off and get lost. I just want to not worry about these things, and contacts would be my solution. If I ever get them, people I have known for a long time will be shocked at my new appearance. And as I said, people may not recognize me. But this is when I will build a new identity, make a new Ben Kvisler.
With only two weeks of school left, I can see the waterfall ahead as our hike during the high school is coming to an end. Why am I referring high school to a hike? A hiking trip is fun to me but also super challenging; there are many up-hills, down-hills, windy roads, and obstacles in crossing a random stream of water in the middle of the hike. For me walking up the steep hills is insanely difficult; they sometimes make me want to just shoot myself in the middle of the hike. Steep hills are the worst part of a hike for me and in high school there were so many times when I just wanted to give up because school was just getting way too difficult to handle. Honestly balancing the work load of homework, three AP classes, UCLA online classes, SAT classes, three different volunteer work, school and outside orchestra, and cellos lessons was the worst part of my life of my high school career, my junior year, but aside from all of this hellish lifestyle, I also had great memories in my high school career such as freshmen year and senior year. High School is such a rollercoaster and hike there were so many good and bad memories that I’m excited to finally jump into the waterfall, fresh start to college life.
The person I would want to create is someone who knows how to balance their life out. While juggling many things around, this person would be able to maintain their GPA, test scores, studies, and activities and also find a job. As this person always had great work habits, always got homework done, and also always studied for tests, this person will not get lazy at the end of their high school career and if this person did get lazy, they would not let themselves fall into a deep pit to the point they cannot get out of the pit on their own. This person would learn to maintain their GPA while also being lazy and enjoying their senior year. Talking about lazy, this person would always stick to their word and not allow their laziness alter their decisions on anything. What would I discard about this person I invented? I would discard the negative attitudes this person would have and replace it with positive attitudes and make this person find alternative ways around a system to make something work.
During the 19 years I have lived under my parent’s rules, I can say that I am so excited to live an independent life. I felt so smothered during high school years because of my parents that they unknowingly pushed me towards more of the directions of making me feel like I want to get out the house and experience the life of making my own decisions, doing what I want, taking the classes I want to do, and meet my friends whenever I would like to and for as long as I want to. My eagerness of wanting to live a new life for myself sounds so exciting and the more I think about it, it makes me want get out the house and move into my dorms. During the school year, when I get sick or if I just miss my parents, it wouldn’t be too much of a problem on going home since my school is literally fifteen minutes away in Azusa; the chances of me getting homesick is very slim knowing that when I go out on missions fields or camps I never yearned to come home or eat my culture food. The thought of freedom excites me.
At Arcadia High School, we always say that we are stuck in the “Arcadia Bubble.” For me, the “Arcadia Bubble” of mine wants to get popped so I intend to try to meet as many new people I can when I go to my college. To have a head start on that goal of mine, at the school registration, I have already started to meet new people and also found my dorm roommate for my freshmen year through meeting people during the registration process. I felt that I put up so many boundaries during high school because my main goal in high school was to focus on my extracurricular activities, studies, and school studies so I never given by my parents or myself the chance to meet a variety of people, which I really truly regret. In college I intend to not make the same mistake I made in high school by learning to meet many new and different people while also learning to balance my studies and social life.
Balance our life is my goal too!!!
Work, school, family. Big thing to balance.
In school, we have to balance GPA, volunteer, lab, internship.
But you can do it. I trust you.
"You have the chance to rebuild yourself, to shed the things that you’ve always wanted to shed during high school, to start anew as the person you’ve always told yourself you were." This is basically one of the main reasons that I want to go to college. Considering how I am going to be attending UCSB, a school that is known as a party school, my mother has been telling me on numerous occasions lately how I am attending college to learn and not to party. Knowing how I have never been extremely focused in school, she believes that without someone to look over me and force me to do work, I will lack the self control and get distracted by the party life. I will admit that I am not fond of school, and most teenagers are, but my reasons are a bit different I suppose. I despise the people and the way they act. At an age where we are all trying to fit in and find ourselves, many end up behaving in a way that is not who they truly are. They tend to be fake and only use people in order to succeed.
I can honestly say that I also feel like I am not who I truly am, but I believe that I am not fake. Maybe others may see me as fake, but since I do not realize it, I cannot change myself. This is why I really want to go to college. I do love learning but I hate the school system. I want to go to college to take classes that actually interest me and not take them because my sister took them. I want to go because I want to prove that I work better without having her telling me what to do every second. I want to go because I really want to figure myself out. I think my need to find myself is stronger than that of most students.
I have felt for a long time a feeling of unsatisfaction. Perhaps it has to do with materialism, but I believe it is something bigger. However I try to tell myself not to have such high expectations. There is a part of me that senses that I will not change. I will not be allowed to change. What classes I take, who I am, what I do will be controlled heavily. Initially when applying to colleges, I had wanted to apply to out of state schools.I wanted to go far and have no one and nothing to rely on. To be able to truly start over.
There are times when I even imagine myself being plucked off of earth and throw into a random country with nothing. I know that is extremely unrealistic, but I honestly cannot help but feel a thrill. The main reason I got for not being able to apply was because of the distance. With both of my parents as only childs, and with my grandparents in China, we really have no family to rely on. If anything were to happen to me, no one would be there to help me. No one that my parents would trust anyway. I tend to digress whenever I write one of these blogs.
Back to the topic. Actually, I guess I did answer the questions asked. To summarize. The person I want to be is someone who is completely the opposite of me. Well, that is what I believe I will find while searching for my true self during my college career. I love the fact that I am going to UCSB because not a lot of people I know from Arcadia are going there. I hate how bland my life is, so I want to meet new people and new surroundings. That is not to say that I am an adrenaline junkie, but rather someone who just gets bored easily.
Honestly, I cannot say that I will miss home. Perhaps this is just the teenage me talking but I truly feel that I would be happier if I removed home from the equation. Maybe I am being inconsiderate and heartless but that is just how I feel. There might be a possibility that after a couple of years, I will realize that I took home for granted and will cherish it more than ever. No one can say for sure. I want a life of my own, but that is impossible. I may not enjoy the company of my family, at the same time I have high family values. I hate when I hear people yelling at their parents and disrespecting them. I hate even more when parents let their kids get away with it.
You may have imagined me as a spoiled child, taking her parents for granted. However, I have never blatantly disrespected them. I know the hardships they went through for us. That is why everything that I feel, my opinions of their thoughts and actions, I keep to myself. Less people get hurt this way. Words will stick with a person forever. When I visit, I guess it would not matter if I changed drastically or not. As long as i know who I am and no one else does, I am content with that.
You asked us in the beginning of the year whether we are defined by who we are or what we do. When I first heard the question, I was beyond confused. It was like a mind game or something. But now writing this, I realized that we are defined why who we are. I chose this probably because of my background. There will always be tons of restrictions in my life and I will never be able to show others who I truly am. While my actions will be hindered, my mind will not. This can be seen in this long post. While this may not seem not long to others, compared to my previous blogs, it is.
When I first entered your class, I thought these blogs were beyond tedious. Now, I realize the significance of them. Especially for students like me. I get to finally express my thoughts, something that has always been difficult for me. So I thank you. Not just for these blogs, but for your class. After all you did not win Teacher of the Year arbitrarily. You not only taught us English but life as well. And I can gurantee that most students have never had a teacher like that in their life. There is no way for us to truly show you just how inspiring you have been for us, but from your former students, I am sure that you are able to see just how big of an impact you have had on your students, whether they are willing to express it or not.
Thank you once again. I say this not only on my behalf, but for period three, for the class of 2011, for your past students and your future ones. Thank you.
This semester has truly changed my life, I feel like a different person, a person who can communicate with others easily, a person who thinks about what they are doing before I do it. Leaving high school is just like leaving your family, so many memories, and so many people that you will miss so many changes. How can a person change so much in four years? In my case in a semester. Well I would not create another person, I love the way I am right now, I am humble, I am thankful for everything I have, I am more mature.
Memories, memories, memories, some things that you can never forget. I will keep my high school memories forever, because of the people I have met, the memories I have with these people. High school memories will always be in my heart.
I will not discard anything, since freshmen year everything has been great, new people, new memories, and the changes in me. There is one thing that I will discard, is some of my high school grades; because of laziness some of my grades were not that great. To be truthful I did not care freshmen year and most of sophomore year about them, but I learned that if you want to become successful, you need to have good grades.
Ever since freshmen year I have loved to meet new people, I love getting to know people, I love finding out interesting things about them, I love learning about their cultures and etc. Some times meeting a new person will change your life, maybe it will make you a stronger person. As high school finishes, and I mature, I am still going to let new people in my life, does not matter what kind of person they are, because even if it’s a bad person, you learn from it and it makes you stronger as a human being.
I am most likely going to yearn for home, because I am going to miss all the people I love in my life. But I am a adventurous person and I love learning new things, so I will still seek out a new life for myself but also miss home. Everyone, no matter what, will miss their homes, but sometimes to get ready for the world you have to find a new life to learn new things, to meet new people, to find great things in life.
I think you will recognize me, as the person who was at the rock bottom trying to pass your class but worked really hard to still try, a person who never gave up. I really do not know if you will remember me, but I will remember you forever, because this semester has been a experience, a change in my life, and it has opened up a new path in my life.
Well, High school just opened up a new path for everyone graduating this year. Everyone has learned a lot from this year, it has made a lot of students more mature, and more realistic. Life is about moving on, all the students are sad that they are graduating from high school, because they are going to miss all their friends and memories. I was sad at one point but now I am very happy, because this was a learning experience, it made me stronger as a human being. I noticed that life is all about learning from the past and moving on to greater things. A lot of things are going to be missed in life, but you just have to move on and learn that not everything lasts forever. I will be missing all my friends, teachers, classmates, and all the memories, but this is a point where i need to be happy. Graduating high school was my goal, now that it has happened I am going to have greater goals, and move on.
I can relate to your love of meeting new people. It's one of the things I look forward to about college.
I can't decide if this is what I really should want, or if it’s even what I need.
But for once in my life, I just want to fit in. Hah. I sound like a dorky little sixth grader, don’t I? I guess it’s a good thing that not many people will be reading this then.. Sure, we've all been taught to embrace what makes us different. I mean, I sure have had to. I've become okay with standing out way too much for my own good. But for once, I want someone who notices me because he or she gets me, not because I'm some moving contradiction. It’s going to be nice being able to start over in a place where I don’t have expect to hear “Oh, I didn’t know you were smart”…as if it were meant as a compliment.
I'm leaving it all behind. I’m getting rid of the labels and the preconceptions that I foolishly let fuel my insecurities.
To be honest, I've never really ever been comfortable here. I've never had the sense that I could be okay with who I am around the people I surround myself with. Maybe it was a mix of never finding a place where I could be comfortable and never letting myself be comfortable. I’m not really sure. I do know, though, that all I’ve been keeping away has turned into baggage. It is baggage that I’ve taken the burden of loading all onto myself because I was too insecure and too stubborn and too strong willed and too scared to ask for help. That’s why I can’t wait to leave and get rid of it all. I can’t wait to get to a place where no one is expected to have baggage. Where everyone is given a clean slate.
I’m still going to be myself. But when I come back, I’ll just be more of myself. I’ll be comfortable. I won’t have to feel like I’m stuck to friendships that will never get anywhere and like I’m tied to people who stick around thinking they get me even though they never really will understand me.
Hopefully that issue I have with who I let myself be comfortable around is just one of pickiness and not a sad measure of trust. I think I’ll be okay with where I am next year. I will like the people I surround myself with. I’ll be able to tell them that I’m shy, I’m insecure, and I’m really good at pushing people away. They won’t question me or call me ungrateful or foolish. They’ll just accept it and we’ll work from there. And I’ll be picky…I’ll be smart with choosing the people I let myself become vulnerable to, and I won’t regret doing so when these relationships end.
I know I’m setting my expectations high, but I can be patient. I have been patient. I’m perfectly fine with being on my own. It’ll take time to form that niche I’ve been so eager to find. If anything else, I’ll just have to keep that in mind…
What will you keep?
I would like to keep my kindness. I love to help people, I love to give a hand to the people who need help, and even they never asked. However, I cannot promise if I am still this nice after I start experience the life by myself. I will go through all the lies, betray or maybe some physical hurt. Am I still going to be nice like right now? I wish I can, I hope I can, and I want to keep it. But who knows? Maybe i will start protect myself, extremely; Start scared to help people. Therefore, I don’t know my new life going to sharp me into what kind of person, but I would keep my kindness if I can.
Are you going to be eager to let new people into your life, or will you reflexively push them away?
I think I will be eager to let new people into my life, I love new people. They always can give me surprise, give me something that I never thought about it and that is exactly what I demand. I need new staff to motivate me. Maybe is because my personality, I hate to do something that has already done by so many peoples, I want to do something that no one did it before. In addition, I’m new here, so I need some friends, some good friends, and some close friends. The only way to find them is to know more people, new people, and time will help me at the end. Moreover, speak as a business man; team work is one of the most important conditions to be successful. Same as my quote: “Rome was built in a day, also not by one person.”
Are you going to yearn for home, or eagerly seek out a new life for yourself?
Yes, I will be out of home for my college life. Even I am a junior now, but all the college that I going to apply this year will be on the east code. In fact, I do not like California in somehow way, maybe because I grow up in a big city, I love taxi, I love subway and all those big buildings. On the other hand, I am 18 now, is time for me to leave home and write my own story. I want my own life; I want to be the person, who has to fill the refrigerator full; I want to be the person who has to check this door is locked or not when I go to sleep. 18 for me is not a number, is an order, is a sign, indicate that I have to response for myself on everything. I cannot wait to have my college life next year.
And will I recognize you when you visit?
To be honest, I don’t even know if I will recognize myself at that time. I’m changing without notice as always; as everyone does. Just like we will never figure out that we are getting older every morning. Since I came to this class during the middle of second semester, I do not have enough time to spend with some of you guys or Mr.Feraco. Also is the reason why I worked so hard on my senior presentation, because for me, this is the only chance that I can introduce myself to you guys. Moreover, I really wish that I did give you guys some memory points about me, a point that will help you remind this Michael whenever someone mentioned. Lastly, I am not sure if you will recognize me in the future, but I hope you can, because I will remember all of your guys!
Who is the person you want to create? What will they be like?
I want to grow into someone who's assertive and confident. Someone who knows knows who they are. But I also want to be someone who's selfless, calm spirited, and has a good sense of humor. I want to be someones who's positive, and uplifting, and is a positive person to be around.
What will you acquire?
I'm going to acquire in general, who I am. My interests, my passions, my true self. I'm going to acquire experience, new environments, new experiences, new people, and new ways of living. Basically, I want to learn how to be confident in the person I am and what I'm going to do and want out of life.
Will I recognize you when you visit?
You will recognize me when I visit but I will hopefully be more confident. I will be comfortable in my own skin and I will be more aware of what I want.
You already are calm spirited and you already do have a good sense of humor.
Re-Generating The New Me
I want to create a person open to new things, someone willing to put herself out there, confident enough to face fears, someone with higher self-esteem, and someone worth remembering. I want to invent a ‘Heidi’ who is strong, confident, and does not allow anything to ruin her day. Strong in a way that I do not let absolutely anyone or anything gets me down. Re-build someone who does not allow anyone corrupt my thinking, my morals, my life. I want to establish a person who holds their head up high, someone who is willing to open themselves up to people and actually enjoy conversations with others. I need to reinvent myself, and re-generate the new me.
Store, Shed, Obtain
I will keep the few good memories of High School. Although very few, I will remember the smiles, the laughs, and the friendships created and molded. I want to store lessons learned, the lives I have seen within these four years of High School. I would want to shed those memories that have scarred me, those memories that has molded and corrupted my mind and has caused me to become pessimistic. I want to obtain more knowledge of the world and of others. I need to store the memories worth recollection, shed the memories that need discarding, and obtain memories worth living.
Eager New Life Through The Yearning Of Return
While on my journey towards building a new life, I know I will long for home. I believe yearning for home is the process which most must go through in order to actually achieve the new life. Each person must go through a shedding process of their past life, their old home in order to actually accomplish a new life. Even though I have always wanted to leave home and start a life all my own, I know for a fact that I will want to go back and be with my parents. I know that I will miss their food and their way of taking care of me, but I know that at the same time I will become tired of living the same way, their way, all the time and would want to break free. Therefore I know I will be able to seek new life but through the yearning for home.
I can feel myself changing as graduation approaches closer and closer each day, I find myself more emotional, constantly thinking of what I am leaving behind. I cannot help but think what will be different who I will no longer talk with who I am going to forget and whose going to forget me. I am not sure how I am going to be able to go a day without seeing some people I am afraid its all over. My friendships will fade; the love will die down the memories forgotten. I am not sure I will be able to move on but they will and then life will just pass me by while I wallow in the past. I haven't processed the fact that I'm leaving school for the last time as a student I can never come back the same way, my younger friends and I will no longer be the same I won't rush to class when the bell rings. I'm leaving everything behind and I am not sure I'm ready to do that. As I experience these last moments with friends I know i have to say good bye to is harder then I thought. I'm still holding back on the words I want to say and the actions i want to do because I'm scared and only have a few days left to say how I truly feel. But I also look back and I think of all the people that helped make high school a fun, and memorable place to be. So I want to thank my teachers because some of them really have made an impact on my life and on my future. I would also like to thanks my friends who supported me through whatever I was going through and then of course my family which now includes meena k, meena s, and meena l. Spending each and everyday with them is the highlights of my day and will hopefully be something I look back on for a long time. So thanks for the ride it was fun while it lasted and I look forward to all the future adventures were going to have together.
I want to create a person that people can look up to and come to in their time of need. I want to be responsible and able to handle any task that comes my way. The adult I want to be is a successful one that makes a comfortable life for me having fun along the way. I definitely don’t want to become a boring adult, but I won’t always be playing around. Of course I will have to work, but I will never forget where I came from and who helped me along the way. I want to be the type of person who knows exactly what they want and goes for it. And I want my future self to always be true to her own desires, not settling for anything less.
I want to keep my personality and my love for music. I don’t want that ever to change, music is what saves me from a lot and to lose that would be devastating. I want to mature, but I also want to keep my youth. I don’t mean like those weird people that are 40 and dress like they’re 15. I want to be the kind of parent that their kids WANT to hang out with them. Not just because they have to but because they genuinely enjoy my company. It’s inevitable that they are a different generation and it will be hard to relate but I hope I can keep up with the times. I want to be the kind of mother that her kids just love and will take care of me when I’m too old to do it myself.
One of the reasons I’m so excited for college is because I get to meet new people. I’m not going to push them away. Over the years I’ve come to terms with the fact that people come and go, but there really is nothing I can do about that. The best I can do is try to stay in touch and to enjoy their company while I still have it. In a new environment, I’m not going to have the safety net of my old friends if I don’t meet new people. But it’s not like I had a problem with making friends to begin with, so I’m really not worried at all. I’m excited to get out of the Arcadia bubble and meet people that come from different places and bring so much more to the table. New faces, new personalities, I love meeting new people and this forces me to meet hundreds of them.
I’m definitely going to miss home, I love my family and my relatives so I will visit but that isn’t to stop me from making a new life for myself. I’m going to stay in California, I wouldn’t want to leave for any reason. It’s the perfect climate and place for me, and my family is here. I’m going to live on my own and make my own way here. I don’t see why I can’t have a little of both worlds. The only thing I can’t do is go out of state. I would miss California too much, especially if I went to live out in the country permanently. I’m too much of a city girl for any of that stuff to work. I also hate the cold so places like New York are just out of the question.
In less than a week, we're going to graduate from High School, while a lot of people are sad about it, I can't wait to finally get this over with. High School has been rough, but it has molded me into the person that I am today and I wouldn't ask for it to be any other way. Graduating from Arcadia High School I want to create a person who will be respected by his own peers, someone that others will look up to and most importantly someone who isn't afraid to speak what's on his mind. I plan to keep many of the things I hold today, such as my memories and my personality. As far as discarding things, It's hard to say but during second semester I feel myself becoming more and more lazy and that's definitely something I want gone. I know going into college, it's going to be really rough and I hope I'm ready for it but laziness is something that can't carry over into college. As a result of discarding my bad habits, I hope to require more focus because I think that's the main reason for my laziness, I have lost focus of what I need to do. Throughout my life I have always been eager to let new people into my life, I have never been one to push others away. I enjoy making new friends which is always something I look forward to coming into a new school year, or going to college, meeting new people, because who knows maybe the person that you chose to push away was going to become a very important part of your life. So you never want to lose opportunities to meet new people. I don't see myself yearning for home because I'm going to PCC so i'll be right at home but I am eager to seek out a new life. When I come back to visit, I think that you'll still recognize me because I'll still be very much the same person but I hope that you won't be able to recognize the student that I've become.
1.What I look like: People don’t recognize me at the first sight usually because the appearance I present to them is so weak, common, and indifferent. They like to discuss that how strange and aloof I’m in the back and show obvious dislike toward me, but when they talk with me and communicate with me, they realize that I’m not a person that they thought. A girl one day chatted with me about how the life goes on, and she surprisingly pointed a lot of things about me that I didn’t know at all in the past. She said that I never smiled to the one that I was not familiar with just like the first sight we met, and she disliked me a lot, but some reasons (church activities, class discussions) made us know each other, and she finally recognized that I’m a good person. After that conversation, I realized why I have few friends (the friends I made all like me) because I’m truly not that sociable and I always get anxious in front of unfamiliar people. That kind of anxiety leads me to bad behaviors which looks like I’m looking down upon them, or I’m really self-isolated that seems like I’ve never had a interest in knowing them well. Later I tried to ask some of my other friends, and amazingly, they all recognized that they didn’t like me at all when I first met them. I felt bitter since I still hadn’t find a way to make myself acceptable; my personality is so weak that I always fear and hesitate in front of people, and I still haven’t find a way to correct this deadly flaw.
2. What I was: A big reason for the weakness of communication is that I’m bad at forcing myself to do something. I enjoy the satisfaction that internet gives me, so I put my the center of gravity of my life on virtual world. After long time, I get used to staying in a small world and doing my stuff silently. The basic social skill descends and I begin to be unorganized. I'm a person who neither harm others nor traps others. However, my stupidness makes me do wrong things all the time. I'm extremely forgetful so that all of my friends mention me what I should not forget over and over until they get tired. Because of it, I lost some of my friends even though they know that I'm a good person, and they just couldn't contain my bluntness. However, what I didn't realize was that I never be concerned with how they feel, but always make them disappointed and exhausted. A friend who was younger than me told me that "You're so immature!" And I finally admitted it after so many things went wrong.
3. What I should be: I don't think I would have a bright future since I had a belief of taking one day at a time. I rarely set a goal for myself because it's easy for me to break it. However, it's not what I was supposed to be in the past. I had dreams, which I could try anything for achieving them, and I always believed that I can do it no matter how impossible the mission was. I had very good grades since I was in middle school, and parents were so satisfied at me so that they trustingly left me alone. Unfortunately, being alone became a catalyst of making bad decisions since my sluggishness grew stronger; I doubted, tried, and failed. I knew consciously that this isn't me, isn't me, isn't the one who laughs when happy and isn't convinced when loses. Not lacking for others, the only thing I need is passion. So I know that one day I would turn around, although definitely feel regretful about what I've done, but I know one day things are gonna change, and the day isn't far.
Life is a journey that it always contains ups and downs. Don't give up, don't give up, because you would never how the future looks like unless you don't try. But I know you would.
As I move on to the next step in my like I wouldn’t want to start anew. I just can’t shed away 18 years of memories and experiences move on like a new person, it’s impossible and naive to think that way. You are always going to be you and I’m all ways going to be me. I was reading some other peoples blog posts and some said as they move they want to start anew like a blank sheet of paper. How is one supposed to do that? When I look at the mirror I want to see myself and only myself I don’t want to see anybody’s influence on me. There are a lot of traits that I want to throw away in order to become a better person that I am today. Traits like laziness, procrastination, lying, and many more, and there are even more traits that I would want to keep. As I sit here typing this up I can truly see myself working hard for my family in a nice home. I want it. I need it. Hopefully when I do come back and visit I will change just enough that when you will take a double take and say to yourself “Don’t I know that guy?”
Disregard my First post please.
Who is the person you want to create? What will they be like?
I can’t help to notice that I am unable to answer this question. Because I don’t know what person I would want to be. I do know this I don’t want to be like anyone else I just want to be me. I don’t want other people saying “Ali? Oh yeah he’s like this guy and or this other guy.” I want to remain unique just me and no one else. Sure there a few things that I need to work out, but isn’t those flaws make me the person that I am today?
What will I keep?/ What will you discard?
I will keep everything that I am intact. Why let’s be real here you just can’t keep or remove traits to your liking. We aren’t robots that can erase corrupted files. We have to just live with what we got and run with it. Keep trying until you find that balance and make it work and what is fine with you and the people around you. Personally for me I have defiantly put more effort and work harder.
What will you acquire?
I want to acquire many things, and experience a wide range of things in order to acquire those traits. Traits that I want to attain are love, patience, compassion, etc. the list goes on. But not only will pick up good traits that I will pick up there is a high chance that I will also pick up or build upon bad ones.
Are you going to be eager to let new people into your life, or will you reflexively push them away?
I will definitely let new people in my life. Meeting new people and letting them in won’t be a big deal because I already had practice from this High School. Because this school is so big almost every year I get to meet new people and get to determine wither or not to be friends with them or not. It also must depend on the person I’m going to meet if we aren’t socially compatible then I will reflexively push them away.
Are you going to yearn for home, or eagerly seek out a new life for yourself?
It’s going to be a little bit of both. I’m going to miss my home at first but then this will drive me to find a place by myself and make a living from there. I don’t want to live with my parents for the rest of my life and they won’t be able to take care of me for the rest of my life either. So, although it might be difficult at first I must be able to take care myself and find my own place to call home.
And will I recognize you when you visit?
I want to change just enough so that when you take a good look at me you will just sense a familiar face and think to yourself “hey don’t I know that person?”
It is hard for me¬¬¬¬ to accept that this is finally the end of my high school career. Even though it may have seemed like a long time, I can still remember being a freshman and always looking up to someone older. Even when I was a senior I was still looking for someone to follow. Now it feels weird that you have younger people that you must take care of now. I still see myself as a little freshman lost and confused about high school. That is something that I am going to have to grow from and become an adult. Even though I may have snakeskin I still think that what was in that skin made me who I am today. I attended Holy Angels Catholic School for 10 years and the memories I have from there are still strong. But they are just memories from the past and I have learned from them
If I was to create a person I would not mind creating myself again. I may have some fatal flaws in my wiring but though could always be fixed with time. This person would be a guardian, caring, easy to talk to, understanding, and carefree. He would always try to keep his opinions to himself and help others with their problems first. Always protecting the ones he loves from any kind of harm or danger. Never tries to start problems with anyone and if there is one solves it quickly. Nobody would be afraid to approach him and say hi how are you doing?
I would keep my caring attitudes toward others and great listening skills. Also keeping a great comprehending still of problem solving. Everyone I would meet I would impress with a higher maturely level and discipline. Some things I would discard is my rage problem. I have had this problem ever since I started high school. This person would have to know how to vent his problems instead of bottling them up. When the rage happens it will always explode on an innocent bystander. This person would also have the heart and will of a lion. Never giving up on anything and giving one-hundred and ten percent on everything he does. No more laziness is aloud and just straight discipline.
My feelings are mixed about meeting new people because then they have a change to know everything about me. Some things I want to forget and create a new person. Meeting new people is always fun but getting to know one another is another thing in total. First I think I would push them away and avoid making new friends in general. But as time goes on I will slow let people in my life again and evolve. People in general scare me because then they would know the real me.
The person I wish to become is someone slightly different from the person I am now. I wish to strip away bits of this persona that I have formed for myself that I have grown wary of. I am considered, crass, rude, blunt, plain, unsocialable, even mean. And I have been comfortable with this characterization. However, I have too many bad traits to continue being this person. I am a huge procrastinator. I put things off to the very last minute and hope to God, to Hell and back, to anything that I can make it and I usually pull through. It’s stupid…but thrilling I suppose. But as I’m writing this post, I suppose I’ve gone too far. Not only have I stressed myself out, I’ve stressed Mr. Feraco out, who is doing everything in his power to help me. I want to change.
I want to become a hard worker. I want to become successful. I want to be the person that my parents want me to be. Who my friends think I am. Who I’m disguised myself as. But this disguise has worn thin and I want to shed it. I want to be a lot of things. But I can’t just sit here on my butt and have everything come to be.
I know I have to work for things; I’ve always told myself that I would change, that next year would be different. Yet, every year, I’m still the same. Still disorganized. Still crass, rude, uncompassionate. And I scold myself. I look at myself in…disgust, I suppose. Self-revulsion is frowned upon but I think, in this case, it’s justified.
I’m going to tell myself the same thing at the end of this year. I’ll be different next year. I’ll be polite, organized. I’ll smile more. I’ll get the grades I worked for and not the grades that I just barely scrape by with. I’ll tell myself all this things. And hope that, next year, I’ll finally be happy with myself.
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