Monday, May 17. 2010
How does one rebuild a life?
I can’t remember when I stopped recognizing my own face in the mirror.
It may have been as early as my freshman year at Occidental (that's 2003, for those of you keeping score). That’s the year I first began wearing the glasses I had needed for years but stubbornly avoided. Up until then, I'd just forced myself to get by without them. I didn't want them, so I told myself they weren't necessary. I even sat in the back of all of my classes, as though I could force my eyes to adapt by making them suffer. It didn't work, obviously, and after a final semester spent swapping seats with kids in the front row every time I needed to take notes, I gave in and picked up a pair.
I’ve worn them for seven years now. Some of the most important people I know entered my life during that seven-year period, and they find it difficult to imagine me without them. My fiancee's parents were startled the first time I took them off in their presence, about a year and a half after we first began dating; it hadn’t occurred to me that, like my grandmother, I had become a person whose glasses were a part of the "default" face they presented to the world.
It’s been seven years, and I still don’t see those glasses on my face when I picture myself in my mind’s eye. They’re an attachment, a crutch I lived without for years – something forever foreign to my presence.
At what point, then, do the glasses become a part of me? At what point do I stop seeing a "young man" and start seeing an adult?
When do I start seeing myself the way everyone else in the world I’ve built – the life I’ve built – already does?
For better or for worse, your lives are going to pieces right now. You’re casting the last remnants of your childhood aside, shedding connections and sentiments like molted scales. Some are doing this more easily than others; some haven’t really begun. But the process is inevitable. You will molt! (It’s an order.)
You're leaving behind some fascinating things - impressions, stories, memories, influences. Those things are your snakeskins - the quotes you leave in yearbooks, the pictures you snap during that final week, the goodbyes you make time for (and the ones you don't).
That's not to say you'll never come back here...but, to be honest, you'll never return to the place you're leaving behind.
I'm sure you've heard the old phrase about not being able to go home again. I'm also sure that some of you don't believe it.
But it's true. It's real. To an extent, it's a variation of the divide between two partners who resume a fractured relationship. Yes, you're back together – but you’ll never be as together once you’ve been able to be apart. That division's unbridgeable.
Similarly, you may come back here, in the same town at the same place. You may stand in the same spot as you once did, hear the bells at the same time, watch people with backpacks swarm through the halls the way you remember swarming.
But it will have stopped being "home" for you for a little bit – and it can never be "home" again once that abstract bond's been severed. Homes are so influential, so connected to our definitions of ourselves, that we can't help but change once that's been removed. You're aware of this, even subconsciously, and I think that's why some of you, when we've spoken, have expressed real terror about leaving your families behind.
The person who returns to Arcadia High to visit his/her teachers is not the person who graduates.
Some students from my first couple of years here have come back to see me (as well as many of their former teachers) around Christmas break. I had seen these students six months earlier, and I had known them – read their writings, spoken with their friends, learned about their hopes and fears all semester, said goodbye to them and wished them well the night they left this place each June. How much could one person change in such a short amount of time?
A great deal, as it turns out.
My students had never seemed "little" or immature to me. Neither do you. Still, I've been immediately - and profoundly - struck by the way every single one seems older. Most are still pleasant, and most seem pretty happy (albeit exhausted, and with the unusual litany of freshman-year growing pains); that hasn't changed. Most of them still look the same, although some features had sharpened or matured (and some had already packed on the "freshman fifteen"). At most, they had started embodying that old college tradition: women start cutting their hair, and men stop cutting theirs.
No, what had changed wasn't a matter of a few pounds here or a shaggy head there. What had changed was something less definable, but no less noticeable.
Every one of them seemed centered. They carried themselves more quietly, more assuredly.
I had never realized how differently I carried myself from my students until my students began acting like me. (Then I felt ancient.)
We talked about things - our past, their futures. They told me how odd it felt to come back. The teachers they had seen each day had aged dramatically - six months in the blink of an eye, just as they had aged in ours. The kids at the school – even the seniors – looked so little to them. And I saw something flicker in their eyes when the lunch bell rang and the kids swarmed through the halls. It wasn’t quite sadness...probably more something approaching nostalgia.
Nostalgia for school bells and hallways: further proof that life can be odd.
I felt both sad and proud while speaking with them. (More the latter than the former.)
I realized then that what I knew of these students no longer really existed.
I was part of their past now, not their present. I was another piece of their snakeskins.
That's not to devalue myself, nor to minimize the role I played. Some of them thanked me sincerely for making a difference in their lives. Others told me that they really missed the opportunities they'd had in class to get to know everyone, that they missed smaller class sizes and the chance to know their instructors. But the realization highlighted an interesting disparity.
We’re fascinated by snakeskins. We love stories, love figuring out how people become who they are. We treasure memories, connections, legacies.
We're so fascinated by the skin that we rarely contemplate the snake who sheds it. But the snake lives life, not the snakeskin. The stories the skin preserves as physical record happen to the individual.
It is hard for me to accept that you're leaving, just as it was hard for me to accept it last year, and the year before that. You'll take pieces of the class with you, and I'll keep others - student work, the letters I receive from those who still write, even the old blogs I refuse to delete once each semester ends.
I’ll always remember what you'll end up shedding - all that you'll leave behind.
But I've discovered I’ll probably be prouder of the person you become.
When I first wrote this blog, it was in response to a wonderful little book I've mentioned before in class: Tomas Rivera's ...And the Earth Did Not Devour Him. I feel like a lot of people have stories or songs that changed their lives, and Rivera's changed mine. I never wrote or thought the same way after reading it, and I'm still finding things in it that surprise me (I make sure I read it at least once a year).
It's a tough little book, a novel about, among many other things, displacement, identity construction, loneliness, fear, voicelessness, and the little things that make it all worthwhile. It’s a collection of snakeskins, some fragmented, torn, and broken, others kept virtually intact. (That's why I like it so much.)
Looking over that list of concerns again, I can say that those things pertain to Slaughterhouse-Five or Never Let Me Go as well. For that matter, you can find elements of 1984 and Brave New World in that list.
But more than anything else, it sounds like your freshman year of high school in a nutshell. Your first years of anything – college, work, friendship, family life – involve many of the same concerns.
I've told you before that you were on the edge of a golden opportunity, an opportunity that never presents itself this readily again: you have the chance to rebuild yourself, to shed the things that you’ve always wanted to shed during high school, to start anew as the person you’ve always told yourself you were.
This is less a time for fear and confusion than a time for unbridled excitement. I’ve always tried to encourage you to be self-aware and creative, and to notice the ways that each influences the other. Now it’s time to put everything you’ve learned into practice.
You’re at a weird point in time. You’re losing pieces and picking others up, reaching backward and forward all at once.
If we’re picking up the pieces as we leave…what will we build?
And will we recognize our faces in the mirror when we’re finished?
Who is the person you want to create? What will they be like?
What will you keep?
What will you discard?
What will you acquire?
Are you going to be eager to let new people into your life, or will you reflexively push them away?
Are you going to yearn for home, or eagerly seek out a new life for yourself?
Are you going to be caught somewhere in the middle of all of this?
And will I recognize you when you visit?
This post is due at 11:59pm on Wednesday, May 21st. As per the usual, you can respond to a (or a few) question(s) from the end of the post here, or you can write a more general response to the whole thing. Your post should be at least four seven-sentence paragraphs long, and punctuation, grammar, and mechanics all count towards your grade. Compose your replies carefully, and always remember to state the why for every what!
As per the usual, you are also required to write a four-sentence (minimum) response to at least two other posts. Make sure the response is a legitimate continuation of the discussion the poster has started with his/her comment, and try to respond to the feedback you receive as well!
Finally, please print your two favorite posts, regardless of period, and bring them to class Thursday for our discussions. The only people you may not choose are yourselves and those in your group.
Good luck, as always!
Display comments as (Linear | Threaded)
I will create Siddhartha through myself. I will learn from the past and see the future. I will be the embodiment of what I should be and not what I was. I will live life risky because I decided to leave cautiousness behind. I will live with peace of mind because I will have the time to as opposed to now where there is no time for anything except the preparation for shedding the snakeskin. I want to be the past of my peers that will also be the future. I will be remembered, because the people will make me memorable. I will be happy and accepting and honest and true and faithful and hopeful and moral, but mostly I will not be any less me than I am now. I am the me of now embodied in the me of tomorrow. Words cannot explain how much I will not change myself, yet it also cannot explain how much I have changed in trying to be me.
I will keep everything as the template to what I will become because the past determines what happens in the future, whether one accepts it or not. I will hold the pieces I leave behind, and though I may never use those pieces again, when the time calls for it I will always have a little of the old me ready to be shown again. I will remember my friends, keep my love for my family, and keep the hope alive that things will change in the direction that will only emphasize the past more. I will change to keep things remembered even more. Memory does not change me, but I change myself because of my memories. I will change so that the memory will have a reason to stay.
I will discard mistakes and cautiousness. I will discard doubts about myself. I will keep my faith in God because I am Christian, but I will discard my false reasons for going to church. I will go to worship and not just because my family and friends worship. I will leave behind my persistent ideal that life can always change for the better and acquire the ideal that I can always change better for life. I will leave behind my mindset towards just simple pleasures, and acquire pleasures from every aspect of life. I will discard any fear of mistakes and make those mistakes because I know I can fix them. I will discard no less than everything that I think I am and become what I am. I am willing stop trying to do it and do it. I am willing to set aside what I think of what comes next, and make my own future. I am willing to leave behind the small picture, and drive for the infinite road that lies ahead. I am "WILL"ing to change to be WILL and not willing to say that this is what I WILL be.
I will acquire enlightenment, security, identity, love, and independence. The real question is: What won't I acquire?
I will be recognized because I will not change. Everything about me will have changed, but I myself will not change. I am my life and I am also how I changed during my life. As long as I have my past, I know my future. As long as I have my future, my past will never leave. Think of me as a time line. I shed my skin dozens of times, but it is still during my time line. I will still look about the same, I will still think the same, and I may even feel the same, but I will definitely have changed for the better. I will be refined, genuine, at peace, and more myself than ever before. It is like this is what I will inevitably be, so it is not really a change for myself. I changed to reach the point that I would have to reach anyways. For myself, I change to not change. Life's hard to understand, but this is about as much as I can muster. I hope you understand. Actually, I know you understand because to not understand is saying you do not understand how being yourself requires you to TRY to be yourself. It's a beautiful day is it not? I think so. And tomorrow I will still say the same because I am William. I am what I will become and what I become is what I am.
Not to be too flip, but this is six kinds of awesome right here, William. I love it.
I love this line: "I will leave behind my mindset towards just simple pleasures, and acquire pleasures from every aspect of life." Haha. I also like how you incorporated your name into the whole WILL thing. And as always, you uniquely make the readers think.
It has a lot of voice and I can totally picture you saying everything that you wrote. I have found that i can relate to a lot of the statements and questions you hold for yourself.
I really like the whole flow of voice you bring out with your writing; as the person above me wrote, I had a mental image of you enthusiastically saying this out loud the whole time I was reading this. You seem really full of vigor and optimism, and I can sense the strong belief you have in yourself as well, which is clearly shown through your writing. I can also feel your firm grip on life as you go through it, and the great control you seem possess over it. It seems like life isn’t throwing you around, but instead, you are directing life through your own free will just as a conductor for an orchestra.
I think that it is very interesting when you said you will discard mistakes and doubts. It is great that you have great confidence in yourself. I am sure that you will carry this confidence all the way in your life. I really like the way that you write about this blog, “WILLing” and your last sentence, “ I am what I will become and what I become is what I am”.
Ah, I like how you incorporated the Will.I.Am theme in your last sentence. I know without a doubt that with your mindset, you will achieve whatever you want to in life. Because you do not let experiences change your personality. You make the experience you want happen in your life!
That is a good question William.
"What will we NOT acquire?"
I think we always have to think about both sides of things to truly see the pros and cons.
You have answered what you will acquire, but I think the question about what I will NOT acquire... could be even scarier!
I honestly don't know what I won't acquire... it's harder to say. I can say what I might acquire, because I'll probably work towards acquisition of what I might acquire. What won't I acquire though is what I'm asking myself right now!
You have extreme confidence in your future. That is the kind of outlook that is necessary for success and I hope you find the enlightenment that you seek. I am curious though, how many people can form a message or find meaning within their name? I am sure that you will influence the people around you and leave a good impression. I agree people must define themselves and I am happy to have met and gotten to know you.
Your blog is amazing. I read it at least 3 times. It really stupefies me how you can use the same words twice in a sentence, yet have it mean two completely different things that make perfect sense and flow well together. "I will create Siddhartha through myself" That is really intense, the fact that you even remember the book's themes and points enough to be able to use it in a blog. Also, your ending really made an impact on me. I love how you said "It's a beautiful day is it not? I think so." It kind of loosened the tone into a happy, "YOU" tone. It is the epitome of your personality and the kind of person you are. The last two sentences were favorites of mine too. "And tomorrow I will still say the same because I am William. I am what I will become and what I become is what I am." It concludes everything, and it makes me feel as if you are some sort of greatness.
It was also incredibly creative how you were able to incorporate your name "WILL"ing into the blog.
I never think of creating Siddhartha, but I love your idea. I agree that we should learn from the past and see the future. There is meaningless to just stand here and doing nothing, but learn from experiences and do better in the future is the only thing we can do to make up our failures. We really should discard our mistakes and take it easy in order to be a confident person to look for the future.
I like the confident and promising tone you have created through the repetition of "I will". From saying "I will" do this and "I will" do that, I can see the confidence in you in making yourself a better person by telling yourself what you WILL do rather than what you SHOULD do. And I really like the structure; it is so poetic and profound. It really makes me doubt my own confidence to be as brave as you are. great one!!
I like your post, it shows great ethusiasm about everything you do. I also like the way you think about how you are not going to change. I argree with your idea, that you will change, but still be yourself. I think that, people will never remains the same, but there is something that defines themselves never changes just like the way you are.
Every now and then when I blog and write in my journal, I go into a state of nostalgia when thinking of my former self. Recently, I have been returning to my state of nostalgia frequently and still feel haunted (and a little frightened) of my unknown future. I know that I will miss my current self, as described by Soren Kirkegaard.
"The greatest hazard of all - losing one's self - can occur very quietly in the world, as if it were nothing at all. No other loss can occur so quietly; any other loss - an arm, a leg, five dollars, a wife, etc. - is sure to be noticed." - Soren Kirkegaard
I reason with myself that I blog and write in my journal to stabilize my emotions, to slash out any negative feelings and thoughts that I may have that was stirred about through an event of experience earlier in the day. However, the fact is that my true reason to blog and write is not to stabilize my feelings, but to write out what goes about my day and the events that I have gone through as to record and preserve the events and feelings I gone through.
I find stories of other people’s development to who they are now fascinating. Listening to my parents talk about their past and younger self as well as their parents’ stories gives me a sense of history and help me to reason out why the people act the way they do. I can tell you that my mother values family and that my father values education through the stories that I have heard of them as well as my day-to-day events with them. Going back through my first journal and my current blogging site, I can see the difference and the history that I have personally recorded down, despite how detailed or briefly and loosely written my writing may have been.
As we pick up ourselves throughout our life we build a history of ourself, whether it is through saved writings, blogs, photos, videos, or toys even. We help others to understand what we value, who we love and cherish, and what our good and bad qualities are through our own little recorded history. Our appearance is just a physical outer shell, and I believe that we are willing to accept our features and appearance as we age. We care more about our beliefs and our loved ones and would have experienced many events throughout our lives that appearance is not important to us as it may be at this moment.
I plan to keep all my journals, continue blogging as well as continuing my voice recording journals. I still hope and plan to rid myself of my bad habits (or at least change them, at least) and my unstable control over my emotions. I will always feel caught in the middle of something. There shall always be something on the to do list that I will have yet to accomplish, and events or situations in which I will have difficulty in coming up with a decision. However, life continues with or without an individual, so I will always be cherishing my experiences and my own little written history that is within my blogs and journals..
You're gonna miss this
You're gonna want this back
You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast
These are some good times
So take a good look around
You may not know it now
But you're gonna miss this
-Trace Adkins (“You’re Gonna Miss This”)
That would be nice, looking at your old journals as a snapshot of your life.
I agree with Iris. I think your journals would be really neat to see! I like your view on physical appearance and how we learn to accept our appearance as we age. I too use to love to hear my parents stories growing up. When I was younger I loved being able to relate the experiences that I was going through to some of the stories that my parents and family members had told me.
Hey Rainbow! I know you write very well. I can tell that you put in a lot of effort in your writing. I also get fascinated about my parents’ childhood stories. Some stories are interesting like the story about how my parents met each other in past. Some of the stories they tell me have a moral to it. I say their generation and our generation is different. Our generation is more dependent on our parents while my parents’ generation is more independent.
All the recordings, journals, and blogging you have done must be very interesting. When you get old, I am sure that you will enjoy reading about your past and listening to your recordings. Continue to write and blog! It is a great way to remember your past. If you do not mind, one day I would like to read your journals and blogs. I also like how you put in some lyrics to support your writing. Nice work!
I would have to say that I believe there is not much difference between our parents’ generation with ours. Times have changed through the constant advancement of technology but I think we have many things in common with our parents. We go through many similar events throughout life: receiving education, leaving the family, going out to work, etc. Our parents had to depend on their parents (well, my parents were)..
And thanks, Connie.
I hope to enjoy my writing, blogging and recordings when and if I reach old age. Hopefully, technology will not be so advanced that I cannot open my recording files. Of course, there is the chance of my eyes not being able to stand the glare of light emitted from computers or laptops. I would not mind if you read my journals or blogs in the future. I hope we keep in touch as we get into our adult lives! Maybe we can spend our old age years together going through my stuff. (:
It's really cool how you keep so many records of your life through blogs, voice recordings, etc. because less and less people seem to be doing that now. I also have journals I've written in and kept since middle school, and I think I'm somewhere around my sixth one right now. They're really important to me, and I don't want to lose those memories. I like your idea of voice recording. Do you use a tape recorder for that?
For my voice recording, I use Audacity. (I wish I had a tape recorder, but I don’t have a working one at home. I also think many people don’t use tape recorders anymore? At least, this generation doesn’t?) I believe you can download it for free if you have a Microsoft, Mac, or Linux/Unix. You can look for it through Google (the program is free). If you would like the link, let me know on Facebook or Xanga.
Although I am unsure of “less and less people” blogging, I think that is just for our generation. Back in middle school, I knew a handful of classmates who blogged. However toward the end of middle school, the handful of people dropped down to only one or two. I think there are more adults on Xanga than those in our generation.. maybe.
I believe I am on my fifth or sixth journal also – though all my journals vary in sizes and shapes. I have more blogs than only on Xanga, but that is the main one that I have been using for a long time. I think we can keep in touch through our Xangas. I think with blogging, it is more personally and people can easily keep in touch with you if they find the time to sign on, read, and comment.
Yeah, I understand what you're saying Rainbow. Like you, I also like hearing how things develop. In every conversation I've had - well, perhaps not every, but you get my point - I love following where the conversation leads. For example, it could start from talk about computers then end in talking about some TV show. But not so much my parents, I suppose. Whenever the flashback, it's almost always the same story. Though the occasional new stories are entertaining for sure.
I enjoy talking with you during lunch, especially in our group with Winnie, Celina, and everyone else. I agree about the conversations getting into different topics.
As for your parents, what about photographs? I look through some of my parents' photographs when I feel nostalgic.. Their black and white (or sepia), worn out photos help me wonder and imagine what my parents' life as well as my grandparents' lives were like. (Especially my grandparents on my dad's side - I wasn't old enough to remember them so they're life is almost a complete mystery to me.)
I find it interesting how you have compiled together a series of journals detailing your life at nearly every stage. Ever since I attempted at writing a journal I was never able to write down my experiences on paper (or on the computer). The way you wrote about your journal, however, gets me thinking on how it would've been if I had actually written a journal. How I thought about different things at different ages would've been quite exhilarating.
Makes me nostalgic about the past and how I was always that happy kid without a worry in the world.
You need not write a journal or start a blog about your experiences. Photographs, artwork, recorded sounds/music, and videos are just some examples of things you can do to record the events of your life. I do not think it is that difficult to write a blog or type out your feelings, but I do know that sometimes I am too lazy, feel that there is nothing to write about, or have no patience to.
You aren’t the only one feeling nostalgic. Every once in a while I feel that way, although I have been feeling it more frequently and more often now than before.
Reading your blog, I somehow relate to that graduation song by vitamin C. (haha) You talked about how "we pick up ourselves throughout our life we build a history of ourself, whether it is through saved writings, blogs, photos, videos, or toys even" and I somehow related that to the lyrics, "memory playing like a film without sound". They way you described your events and how you will record every moment is like a film. Also, I would like to say, I share that same fascination, witnessing people's development through reading their blogs!
You’re right; I am at a weird point in my life, probably the weirdest part of my life so far. All of us are. I never really thought of it as losing pieces, more like picking up pieces and either forgetting about them, or discarding the ones I find unnecessary to make room for the ones I treasure, and the new ones I hope to acquire. But what are these pieces, you ask? Memories (good and bad), friends, acquaintances, (bad) habits, life lessons, new responsibilities, maturity…
Although I will soon be leaving my home, I am picking up the pieces with which to build my future and my new self. When I am done I will recognize the face looking back at me in the mirror. The task of building myself and my future is obviously a grandiose one, but if I completely lose touch with myself and am unable to recognize myself at the end of the process, it will have all been for nothing. My past is a reflection of my present; my present is an indicator of my future. If I cannot distinguish myself when I am done, it will not feel right. I will only be able to revel in the success of building my future and reconstructing myself if there are parts of me that remain the same. Yes, change is something I (usually) welcome with open arms (although I do have a tendency to voice distaste with it at first), but change will detrimental if I lose all of my identity for a new one; my new identity will be comprised of aspects that I like about myself, like my loyalty, love for music, sense of humor, friendliness, etc.
The person I create will not be easily acquired; she will have the ability to cope with failure better, learn to be more open, less impatient….ideally, she will not have any of the flaws that I possess now. But will this person merely be a robot then? No one is completely devoid of flaws, for they are big part of what makes us human; what makes us relatable to one another. And won’t trying to eliminate such flaws only erase my past identity (which I don’t want to do, as you can tell from the previous paragraph)? I seem to have contradicted myself. I am still trying to work the kinks out on this one, but in order to grow as a person into a new person who I will still be able to recognize, I guess I’ll just have to continue trying to come up with an answer that does not leave me with this discrepancy.
I am a somewhat shy person, but once I warm up to a person, I can be open. Unless I want to be miserable in college, I will make an effort to let new people into my life. Of course I’ll miss my high school friends (and I’ll hopefully be able to maintain those friendships), meeting new people is essential to happiness not only in college, but in life. The only people I reflexively push away are the ones I do not particularly like, and even then, it is never for some asinine reason like their clothes, or fondness for video games.
At the start of my college experience, yearning for home is going to become a familiar feeling. But as I grow accustomed to my new environment, new people, and new routine, I am sure that yearning will occur less frequently. Moving away form home will open the gates to new opportunities of unbridled freedom, which I will definitely embrace. But I also know that my background and upbringing will keep me out of (most) trouble. So I suppose you could say I will be caught in the middle of missing home, and eagerly enjoying my new life.
I can guarantee this right now, never ever ever ever EVER will i want to come back home. The only way I'm coming back is holidays when they kick me out, or to get my clothes washed for free.
I agree on your point of trying to make yourself into that more rounded, less flawed person. Nobody can eliminate all of their flaws, having your setbacks is something that just comes with being a human. One can however try to minimize them, to polish and try to make them as positive as possible, something I plan on trying and I hope you do too.
I would like to say that I have similar goals for myself for the future. For example, I, too, would want to be able to cope with failure better than how I do now by correcting my mistakes. I would like to learn how to be more patient with things and not rush through life so quickly and enjoy it. Also, reading Mr. Feraco description of the blog above, I felt as if we are losing things but after reading your blog, my perspective changed. I, too, now believe that it is "more like picking up pieces and either forgetting about them, or discarding the ones I find unnecessary to make room for the ones I treasure, and the new ones I hope to acquire."
What I want to see in my own mirror in the future is familiar eyes but a unfamiliar face. I want to be a version of me that knows what she wants and doesn't care what others think. Each time I interact with a new person they find it hard to believe I am the age I am now. Most of the time they will always guess my age to be 4 or 5 years younger. I feel that it's no because of my looks but also the way I act. I grew up as an only child and is still half of one today. I was spoiled growing up which causes me to rely on other people more that myself now. I will be a person that has changed enough to learn to stand on her own feet but also a person recognizable by myself. Instead of just a mature version of myself now, I will be someone that has change and not just matured. For me to matureis to grow old and live with who you are but I think that is just a easy way out of becoming the person you strive to be. I will be a person that someone can rely on in their time of need but still know when to say no when the occasion arises. I will be happy with my life because I built it with my own bare hands, instead of second guessing every decision that I make.
What I want to keep is my purity and innocence. I don't want to discard my inner child because I'm growing old. I want to keep that child but at the same time not be immature. I want to keep the aspects that make me, me. I don't want to wake up one day and find unfamiliar eyes gazing coldly at me through my reflection. There is a quote that I've heard in my favorite movie Hellboy. "We cherish someone for their perfections but love them for their faults." I don't want to keep the negative characteristics of myself that can harm me but keep the ones that makes me, Eunice. I want to keep the faults that make the people in my life love me. I don't want to discard myself of all my faults because one day I might just find someone else's face in my reflection.
I want to discard my inability to say no and my reliance on other people instead of myself. I want to discard the facade I put up in order to make everyone else happy. A mask that has a grinning joker face, hiding a face adorned with tear streaks. I want to stop trying to make everyone happy and focus on myself without being too selfish. I need to leave behind the parasitic tendency I have for the people around me. I rely on others too much and I know that in the future I need to stand up on my own instead of using others as crutches. Though I want to rid myself of my negative aspects I still need to retain faults to remain human.
I'm always going to yearn for the familarity of the household I grew up in. I yearn to branch out on my own in order to find my own legs to stand on but never can I really forget the background I was raised in. I live at home and I'm going to continue live at home when I'm in college. I find it difficult for me to leave and never look back. I dread the day that I am required to live out on my own and can no longer parasite off of the past I live in now. I am a person that despise unneeded change in her life. If one thing is moved or disappeared, it becomes difficult for me to cope. Though I deperately yearn and need the independece, I cannot leave without running back.
Same here; I don't ever want to lose my inner child. Who wants to become cranky as they get old? Why not continue to have fun even as an adult? I'm leaving home for college dorms; in fact, the sooner I get out of this house, the better. Unlike you, I want to really live independently and shed all the dependence and reliance I have forced upon the adults taking care of me.
You totally resonated with me in your second paragraph. I also want to keep my purity and innocence no matter how challenging and disappointing my future world will present to me. I would like to keep being the “mature child” who has lovable faults. In your future mirror, I wish you’ll see the mature, independent and innocent you with an “unfamiliar face” but “familiar eyes”.
Like the two commenters before me, I can totally relate to the "maturing child". The statement about the familiar eyes, but unfamiliar face is beautiful! A lot of people say that the eyes are the windows to one's soul so i perceived that statement as keeping your childlike nature, yet maturing around the edges.
"Though I desperately yearn and need the independence, I cannot leave without running back."
That's natural as this is the place you grew up in and probably the only place you've known. I believe many of us feel that way now.
I feel like I can relate to you. Compared to my brother, Vincent, I lived a pretty pampered lifestyle.
Perhaps it is because I am the first child, or perhaps it is just because I am a girl. Whatever the reasons are, I can point out examples from childhood to the present.
When I that we no longer should share rooms, it was Vincent who moved into the small playroom and the cramped guest restroom. Whenever I cried, my parents were more eager to offer me a comforting embrace and soothing words. Whenever Vincent cried, my parents, particularly my father, would tell him to toughen up and “be a man.”
Aside from clothing, he rarely got anything new. When I moved my workspace from the den to the family room, he took my old desk. When I got my brand new Macbook, he inherited my old computer monitor. It was only on my whim that he received the brand new iTouch that came with my new laptop.
Because my parents have sheltered me all the time, this "childlike innocence" became part of my identity. Some of my family friends say that I even have the face of a child (Just the other day at the hair salon, the hair stylist thought that my little cousin, who was going to become a freshman this year, was older than me!).
On the flip side, because Vincent was less sheltered, he became very cynical about our family’s willingness to help him. Even now, when my mother tries to help him with his homework assignments, he obstinately resists. He is probably going to be gain independence faster than I do, but I wouldn't want to lose my innocence, even if it makes life at Art Center all the more harder.
I agree with you 100%, I don't ever want to loose my inner child and I don't plan on loosing site of acting like a kid. Once I enter the adult world I will still have that inner child in me, but at the same time be a mature adult. Also putting on a "mask" to please people isn't always the best idea because you start to loose site of who you really are. I think once you graduate high school that mask will soon come off and you will be able to show the real you to everyone in the world.
I couldn'd agree with you more about still being innocent. I always want to maintain some of the things I like when I was young. I always like to play badminton all the times, when I was much younger. Now even though I still like it can never feel the same passion as I felt when I was young. I want to find that passion and to maintain it.
I would not be able to get through my high school years without the help of my friends. Some of them are part of my old "snakeskin", namely the ones who I've known since elementary school. Heck, I'm in two classes with the same person I played with in first grade. I even reintegrated bits of snakeskin from grade school days. Others are ones I acquired these past four years. Most of them are actually ones I bonded with this past year.
I want to say it's easy enough to keep all the relations I have today. Among my friends, whenever we speak of separating in June, we say in a somewhat joking manner, "Yeah, we'll keep in touch, that's what the Internet is for." But I don't interact with most of my friends through online chatting; we formed the bonds we have through talking with one another every day at school. More than throwing myself out into the unknown life of a freshmen in college, I am terrified of losing contact with all the friends I have today. When I go to a reunion and meet the people who've shaped my life at Arcadia High, I know what I will reflect on with the most affection will be this senior year. It's been full of laughter and tears, fun times and emo times.
Yet as I sit here typing away at this blog, I'm reminded by brochures and letters and postcards surrounding my work area of the new life I will be entering soon. I can genuinely say I'm excited for college to start. I'm not belittling the friends I have made in high school, but I have seen so many of the same faces for the past four years - the prospect of seeing completely foreign faces for the next four years makes me wish for September to come sooner rather than later. (Somehow, I know I'll be wishing I could turn back time). The word 'sad' does not even cover the emotions I feel when I think about leaving behind all the friends I have made in high school. It's almost like a bittersweet taste in my mouth; I don't want to let them go yet I'm also looking forward to the unknown strangers who will be entering my life in a few short months' time. If I could, I would probably drag every friend I have with me so we could face college together. It'll never happen, so I'll do the next best thing and just drag one friend with me.
I want to become a person who can stand more steadily on her own feet and support the people I care about. Right now, I lean heavily on my friends for emotional and physical support (in the form of food). In the future, I want to lessen that reliance so the relation is more mutual, and allow other people to rely more on me as well. Most of the people I interact with in college will be strangers to me in the beginning. By nature, I'm rather shy, but I've become much more outspoken than my past selves. I will continue to hone my social skills and become ever more comfortable about communicating with strangers; after all, most interactions I'll have from here on out will be with strangers. With time and practice, I will be able to initiate a conversation with a person I have never seen before in my life with complete ease - as though it were second nature to me.
I certainly agree with the bittersweet taste of graduation and the separation of friends.. Though I cannot drag everyone to the same college as me, I at least know three people who will be attending the same college as me. It is unknown whether we may see each other walking to classes or just in the library, but the thought of knowing at least one person gives me comfort.
As for keeping touch online, who knows what may happen? I may ask for help on editing an essay or asking for your opinion on something over the college years (haha) or write on your wall in Facebook asking how your summer has been. With the internet and cell phone, it is easy to communicate though it is more of whether people take the time off to think about you (or go into an nostalgia state, haha).
I technically know a total of two people going to Davis with me, though I'm only dorming with one of them (yes, the one that I managed to drag ). I guess it's the sense that we're plunging into the unknown with scraps of familiarity fluttering behind that gives us some sort of comfort...for me at least.
Wall spamming on Facebook? Maybe if we have time, though I sense a lot of people getting buried under a pile of work soon enough. Time's going to be a real restraint on maintaining old friendships, but then like you said: who knows what may happen?
Don't worry Ani!!! I shall bust out my apple jacks for your emotional support!!! >_< runs to your house with a box of apple jacks and Star
You have a valid point about the Internet though. It's a great way to see what people are up to, but it only works if you actually get on and instigate a conversation, if not then it's pretty pointless...I wish I could say I'd definitely be one of those people that will always talk to you, after all you're one of my really good friends, but I know that once college starts, we will all by busy with our studies and our new friends. That thought makes me sad =(
OMG Apple Jacks! _ Though I have an unopened box sitting my pantry right this moment, whatever, I prefer to leech off you. I don't know how Mittens will welcome Star. Probably hiss, arch her back, poof out her tail, and run off in the other direction.
I know right? Heck, we don't even talk as much as we used to, thanks to second semester ripping us into different class periods. I should randomly say 'hi' to you on Messenger more often. XD
Awww, Ani. Don't be so sad. We WILL keep in contact. We knew each other for what? Twelve years? I'm not about to let it terminate when the college years begin.
Last year, I had some awesome friends in my AP Art History class. All of them were seniors, who are now more or less scattered across the country most of the time. But we created a Xanga account to keep in contact. Sometimes, we discuss our daily routines or a funny incident Other times, the blog is a great place to let off some steam on particularly stressful days.
It has been nearly a year since they left for college, but we already organized two reunions (three, if you count Renaissance Fair this Sunday!). We all went our separate paths, but that didn't mean we forgot about each other.
We can create a blog like the one described above, just for close friends. Just let me know, and I'll ask my APAH buddies how to get started! C:
Haha, can I be sad and stay in contact simultaneously? Yup, it's been twelve years, though you did say six in class yesterday.
I never had any close senior friends these past four years, so you could say I have no real experience on how to deal with people flinging themselves off to different places. Then again, I do know for a fact that I'll put in effort (for some time at least) of keeping in touch with all my close friends.
Yes, let's make a blog! I don't know how active it'll be, but I think that's a really great idea. Plus, I love to blog whenever I have time to do so, it'll be fun. >w
I like the part where you mentioned that you have re-shaped snakeskins from the past. I too have done that recently in my senior year. I recently beat The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time on Nintendo 64, and when I was 7 years old I would never imagine that I would be able to do that. Old gaming systems from the 90's are still a part of me, despite all the advancements with X-BOX 360. It's interesting to look back at all the old memories. It makes feel like I am 5 years old again. (In a good way)
Is it weird to say “I never want to come back to visit Arcadia?” Is it weird to say, “I’ve already noticed the change” and “My reflection has already become unrecognizable?”
To help others understand me a little better, I’ll start from the summer right before senior year.
While I was reviewing the college applications I was to get a head start on, I could not think of anything to write. When I asked my best friend for advice, she simply responded, “Just tell them why you are ready to enter as a college freshman.” But I wasn’t ready. I was terrified of leaving my friends, my family, and everything I knew.
As summer rolled to an end, my last year of high school started and what a hectic year it was. I took a total of nine classes, eight on the week days and one on Saturday. Among those, I was in an AP and honors class as well as constantly making spreads for yearbook. I worked part-time as a sales representative at a retail store in the mall and I was preparing my portfolio and college applications all at the same time. I averaged four hours of sleep a night if I was lucky and that included winter vacation and all the holidays we had during school. I often forgot to eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner because I was so busy. The stress once got so bad I blacked out in the shower, twice in a row. Of course the whole time, I had no support from my parents. I never spoke to them more than a few minutes at a time. I was too busy and they had no idea how to help me get by.
At the same time, I was suffering with a crisis I was having with my art. It was on a day when I was trying to get a few minutes of shut eye before I had to get to class. While I was thinking of my college deadlines I had a horrific realization.
Why am I forcing myself to do so much? I’m not even enjoying drawing anymore. Wait a second, I wasn’t enjoying drawing anymore? How long has it been like this? A year? Or has it been more? What happened to the nine-year-old me who became so giddy when I finished a drawing? What happened to my passion?
Without my passion, my dreams are worthless.
I will fail.
I won’t amount to anything.
As all these thoughts ran through my head, I finally knew I had hit rock bottom. I was so frustrated with myself I broke down and started crying my eyes out. It was a moment when I was completely and utterly vulnerable to all the pent up fear and exhaustion. When I finally calmed down, I felt strangely renewed.
Suddenly, I dragged myself out of the car and screamed to the sky, “JANET, YOU’RE AN IDIOT.” As funny as that may sound, I just had to do it. Of COURSE I still loved to draw; No one can ever take that away from me. It was not the end of the world, why was I being so dramatic? I just have to keep pushing, keep striving, and if I fail, I will get back up.
For me, it was that one incident that I will always remember for the rest of my life. There will always be a time when life kicks you when you are already down on the ground. Maybe I will try a hundred times to get back up and a hundred times I will fail, but I will keep trying with all my strength until I succeed. No matter how much I change in the future, that will be the one thing I take away from my past, because getting to the end is that much more satisfying when you know you’ve tried 101 times.
I understand your feeling when you were scared to leave your friends and family, one of my reasons I'm scared to leave as well. I also feel you when you had that sudden jolt when you weren't enjoying what you loved after forcing yourself too much. Though I can't imagine you dragging yourself out of your car to scream to the sky. I whole heartedly agree with your last paragraph about trying even though you seem like failing.
Janet, I admire you so much. You handle nine classes a week with Ap's and Honors, work, AND help with the yearbook among other things? It is almost supernatural that you can handle it! I know your busy but in order to be healthy Janet you have to get your rest and eat your meals even if you are super busy! All I have to say is keep on keeping on and someone like you will be very important to society.
I felt somewhat ashamed of myself and guilty when reading your post – you worked so hard that you never wasted any single second of your senior year life, and I’ve basically been idling around for two and a half years since I came to America. Personally, I would cherish an overloaded, challenging senior year if I had one. But I just blew it off. I know it must have been unbearable for you, but you should regard this busy year as a valuable opportunity to build a strong start and basis for your college and career. I’d say I admire you a lot at this point and I regret being so irresponsible for myself for so long.
I can understand of the stress you are going through, because I am going through with the similar stress as you. Although I do not friends, it is true that I would feel the same way when they are out of my sight. Life is complicated, and so we just have to deal with it, and try not to stress out too much.
Janet, we are becoming artists, but walk down such different paths. I cannot imagine juggling such challenging classes, a job, AND my artistic career all at one time. I, unlike you, am apprehensive of even severing connections with my family. I have yet to become as independent and hard working as you are. (College life is probably going to kick me harder in the butt, haha!)
But seeing you get up after going through all of your hardships, and still be able to stand up and persevere really inspires me to come out of my shell. Thank you for sharing your story.
Janet, that was really inspirational!
I've had similar melt-downs, but it always take me a long time to recover, but with traces still left behind.
But you are right. Once in a while life throws a kick at us, and we have to try to get up from the ground, no matter how hard and how many times we've tried.
There's this quote from Einstein, "I haven't failed, it's just the 100,000 ways didn't work."
So, keep fighting! I know you will be successful in the future, especially with your beautiful art.
Janet, you are truly hard worker. Your patience and endurance is amazing.
I think everyone tells them self that they'll fail at their goals, but they keep going.
I'm sure everyone tries to fly... and some will succeed for sure! But if you don't even make an attempt, you'll fall and let your ambitions die.
Janet! Your posts always get me so inspired. Your actions and handwork are really admirable. I always feel like doing a dance when you end your replies with victory.
I can relate to your post. I remember entering that same course of enjoyment loss during the summer. I guess it's something a lot of artists go through and not everybody pulls through. But I'm glad you ended with a new vigor.
Can't wait to see you around campus! I hope we can work on something together in the future! THAT WOULD BE SUPER RAD.
It's quite a weird contrast to be reading your blog post and comparing it to my senior year. To be exact, my senior year would be the exact opposite, nearly meeting the definition of "senioritis".
It's a scary thought that within a half a year, I would be in the same position as you. Not necessarily overworked, but filled with more stress than I have been accustomed to for the past year.
It will be interesting. And as far as all the work you've been doing goes, keep it up.
Hi Janet, I love your determination to stand back up after falling down! I hope that you'll always remain that way and that it isn't going to be just your "snakeskin." Of course there may be a different approach to how you'll handle the situation, but I believe that you will always try to stand back up. That being said, I'll be looking forward to seeing you in the near future!
How can these question be possibly answered now but I will try. I do not know what I am going to feel until I actually get to these moments that change my life.
The person I would like to create is the person I am today but more improved, more independent, more enlightened, more outgoing, more confident, and maybe physically bigger. I guess independence comes with age but the next year in my life is what I make of it. I am freer, to put it plainly, and what I want to do is not scrutinized by my parents. This person new person does what I think is right and chooses what to do without question by my parents. Enlightenment comes with learning more, and coming out of a teenager shell. Learning at a new level, like the jump from middle school to high school, is going to be a switch to a new train of thought. Then modeling into a young adult is a major task that might take ten years. Confidence to be outgoing is a problem I want to solve because confidence is how people perceive you as a person. Confidence, I think, is why people get jobs, meet new people, and succeed in life. The physical part is in the works and that just needs some hard work and training. This new model should be everything I hope for or more.
Meeting new people would be great in any situation as long as our character traits match similarly and have the same moral and ethical values. I hope that these new people do not change my life dramatically because I do not want them too. I want to stay pretty much the same and grow into my full potential. I know what I want to become like, I know what makes me happy and I know what makes me sad. I will not push people away from me reflexively but I will push them away if our personalities do not agree.
There are definitely upsides and downsides to leaving home and I guess that is because of security in the star points. Home is where the heart is, it is a temporary safe haven when things get tough in the real world. I think I am saying that, I will not be like a kid at Disneyland and wanting to run off in every direction, but I will look at a map first and plot my route. I want to look before I leap and I do not think there is anything wrong with that. Looking back from where I can from is always necessary and I just cannot go through life with my head faced forward. A new start in my life will begin but my old life will still be in my pocket and will stay there.
Being caught in the middle of what I am trying to be could be possible but I do not think this will happen to me because I will just move back to my roots that I established in my younger part of my life. Life pulls people in all different directions because that person wants to please everyone but the only one that truly matters is yourself.
Frankly I do not think you will remember me because the fact that you have so many students. I would not mind if you do not remember my name but as long as you can recall that, you had me as a student is fine. If you knew what kind of a person I am, I think you will remember me because I do not plan on changing much and as for my appearance I have not changed much since middle school, just bigger, so I think you can recognize my appearance.
Don't worry about not knowing the true answers to all of those questions yet! I'm trying to get you to start thinking about the immediate future in less abstract terms because...well, it's immediate. Your predictions might be wrong, but Huxley and Orwell weren't always correct, and we still read them!
And if you don't think I'll be talking about you with next year's classes - especially about how effectively you sucked in your audience with the x-ray quiz during your presentation - you're crazy!
Thanks.. i will definitely remember this class and i will hold you to your word
Eric most of the traits you want to increase are the same as the ones I want to also. As far as being more independent, more enlightened, more outgoing, I also strive to increase these traits. I think you should try to meet and talk to people that have different character traits than you. You will find that they can be very interesting!
It's nice how you want to work on improving and building onto yourself instead of trying to change yourself completely. I think everyone can relate with you in being attempting to be “more improved, more independent, more enlightened, etc” and that your aim for that person you want to create out of that “teenage shell” will be worth seeing. I think though, that it would be nice for you to meet people who can influence and change you dramatically instead of playing it “safe” and being only with people that won’t change you much. I also like how you are able to stay level headed and plan things before acting, instead of running head-on into situations.
I have the similar problem as you, lacking a bit of confidence, which I highly doubt I would ever have when I go up against many people in the future. Having more confidence is truely a good thing to have, but not too much. In addition, I gladly see how you will improve in your future.
Don't worry about not having confidence. Confidence will come to you as you grow older and even if you don't feel confident inside, you can just present a facade of being confident. As long as you can trick others into believing that you are confident, they have no reason to believe otherwise. I think that you should go out and try to find people that are different than you, it could be fun and you can learn to see things from a different perspective. Just don't ever let others change what it is that you believe in; don't conform just to appease others.
Eric, I have the same thoughts as you. I would like to create a same kind of person as yours. I hope I can be more confident and be able to communicate with people well. I have emigrated from Hong Kong to here for two years, but my parents still worry about my safety. I hope I can be more independent too. As a senior, I wish I can act like it in order to bring 2 years of high school life and what I learned in High school to college, to be a more sociable person.
I do not want to create a new person but to further develop my character to be more mature and stable. To create a new person is to basically change who I am and that is the last thing I want. I want my friends who - if I go for a period of time without seeing them - to still feel comfortable with me and if I change I do not think that will happen. I realize everyone changes and matures as they enter the early stages of adulthood but I would like to retain my personality. Some of the traits I hope to gain from college is further intelligence and to be more outgoing. I would want to increase my composure, etiquette, and speaking skills. I would also like to learn better work and time management skills. One goal I am going to have is that as I turn in to a adult I am going to be very professional to impress my friends and family and to be successful in my life.
I am definitely eager to let new people in to my life. That is one of the things college is about right? Meeting new people and making more friends in college is one of my goals for college because I plan to have the best times that I am going to remember for the rest of my life. So really my attitude towards strangers will not change. I am a very welcoming person and I love meeting and getting to know new people because I think that is something that makes life fun and exciting. One of the reasons why I think that besides the fact that making friends is cool, is because it keeps things mixed up. New things bring excitement, curiosity, and joy and that works with people also!
I think I will definitely yearn for home once I am on my own. I was thinking about the idea - not to sound like a mommas boy - of not seeing my mom everyday or to hear her talk and I was scared. My parents are my guidance and my inspiration and my mom especially since I live with her. Dreading that, I also realize that they go for periods of time without seeing their parents and it makes me wonder how they do it? I know it is because they have to raise a family of their own and I guess you just grow out of the "home sickness" after a while. My mom always tells me that if I do not visit her at least once a month when I move out that she will kick my butt, and I always joke and say things like, "no way!" but I know I will meet those requests if not visit more then that. Do you ever miss your parents Mr Feraco or do the distractions of a hectic life make your forget of those feelings for a while? (Thinking about this one actually got to me a bit HA)
I think I might actually get caught up in the craziness of becoming a adult and college. It seems ludicrous for us to start already having to think of a career. Growing up around fourteen or fifteen I would think of being eighteen and wondering, "wow I can never picture me that old, I wonder what it feels like to be a adult?" but I am turning eighteen next Saturday and I do not feel much different then I did at fourteen. Besides being taller, smarter, and other various changes I feel no different. I am definitely not physiologically ready for college, or maybe I am thinking of adulthood - or are they the same? I think you will recognize me Mr. Feraco. I plan on developing my personality and character but it will be more of a evolution than a alteration.
And will I recognize you when you visit?
I miss the place I grew up every single day. I'm more comfortable in Southern California than I used to be, but I'll never feel like I fully "belong" here, even if I do eventually purchase a home in the area. (I feel pretty confident in saying that because it's been seven years, and I still feel somewhat like a stranger in a strange land.)
I have the "distractions of a hectic life," as you put it so well, and that period of my life is over now...but I never stop missing that place or those people. They're irreplaceable.
I admire your openness to others. I am on the shy side when meeting new people but eventually open up to others on topics that I can relate to.. Your post reminded me of what it felt like when I transferred schools and coming to Arcadia. How long ago it was! I am not sure if I am ready to experience that again..
As for being homesick, you will not be alone. Though I will be living with my parents until I transfer out of community college, just the thought makes me homesick because I know that I will not see them as often as I would like in the future. Getting an apartment or house near my parents or even in LA is difficult, I believe. I may end up living in San Francisco if I go to San Fran. State University or living out of state if I decide to go to an out of state college/university.
I am sure you will be successful with the things you plan to do Matt, and I wish you well and good luck. (:
We both have such loving families that we'll yearn for home when we go to college. I personally know that I'm going to be homesick no matter how far I am away from home. Time flies by really fast and now we're about to start a new chapter in our lives. Before you know it, it'll be time for our high school reunion.
I walked through that gilded and carved door, not knowing what I will discover in that very same room that has been intruding my dream. When I open that door, there is a table with a well-polished mirror on that mesmerizing combination of granite and marble tiles. I gently lifted the mirror on my hand and reflected myself on it, hoping to see my shining countenance as a person.
Instead, I found a very disturbing image of myself – tired, sleep-deprived, and emaciated.
For a moment, I wondered what on earth has happened to me.
In just few moments, I realized that many things have happened – things that have beaten me to a pulp, things that have brought a lot of destructions on me, things that have stripped me off my old characteristics. I broke down in tears, crying and crying, letting all of the agony in my soul gone, gone to the whole universe.
I can’t just cry here.
I have to act. I have to become better for the future. I have to strive for the best. I have to improve. That way, I can turn worse things the future has destined for me into awesome ones. I have to be like who I want to be. I want to be more open on sharing my burdens with my friends so that each of us will not experience death that is caused by stress and pressures in our daily life. I want to unleash myself into this dangerous and full-of-combatants world. I want to be able to reach all of my goals in life. I want to create… a better me.
I will keep my integrity to keep myself sane, for no one will neither become nor stay themselves if they lose theirs. I will keep being punctual whenever it’s my shift to work, for I know that my boss will respect and trust me less if I choose to go right 5 minutes before my hours begin. I will keep my achievements in my memories so they can act as a reminder that I was born in this world to do something. I will keep my bond with my beloved ones because they are the reason why I am here now. I will keep my existence with these means.
Should there be something that I have to discard?
I would not want to discard anything. In fact, I should not discard anything. If things such as laziness, greed, or arrogance do not exist in this world, what is there to be changed of me? All of these items, either good or bad, are what make me into what I am today. Erasing just one of these characteristics is already equal altering me into someone else people do not recognize.
I will acquire things – things that are indescribable in my mind for now. It may be as small as winning a $25 gift card for In-n-Out or $100,000 in a Vegas’ lottery, but they will still be my basic necessities prior to learning my true potential. I will not care on how small or worthless those things that I will attain in the future will be, but I will treat these things as they are parts of me that will grow with me as my maturity level keeps increasing throughout time.
I will let new people come in my life because they are the main factor of my process of changing into my better-self. I cannot bear to live by myself. I will need their support, their opinions, and their affections in order to achieve my purpose in life. With none of these, I know that I will eventually fail in no time.
I realized something much, much more important than these things.
Earth keeps rotating, and so does my world. I will become a beautifully-cut diamond throughout the rough and smooth part of my journey. At this point, I hope people can still recognize who I am regardless the massive amount of transformation that I will undergo in the future.
I put the mirror back on the table delicately, afraid that I would scratch either one of them accidentally. There was then a sudden beating inside my chest. My expression turns into that of a child – bright and full of joy. Inside my mind, I could only think of these words:
“He who has a why to live can bear almost any how.”
I would take out the almost just for the heck of it. I love the silkiness of your writing. Great job!
Frankly, I look at myself everyday in a mirror as well. sleep-deprived, emacinated, tired, worn out... I always wonder how have i turned myself into someone like this (at least you dun have pimples like i do! haha). It indead gets disturbing sometimes, as if you almost cannot recognize yourself anymore. Btw i like the structure of your entry. it's a little breath-taking when you say "wait". for a moment i really paused before i continued reading. love it!
The way I look at myself, in front of the mirror, I would still probably be recognized by some former classmates who I had classes with before. My face may not change much because people would recognize it from when going off to college and university. As simple as my face do not seem have any changes when I look into the mirror, the future I would see in the mirror resembles a pathway into a bright light, in my imagination. From the person whom I was to the person whom I currently am, I do not seen why I should myself if people do not want me to change. For that, I could just as serious and solitary for as long as I want. I always look up of having a positive attitude, such as asking for help when needed, defending myself when I feel vulnerable, and speaking for myself. I am not completely sure what my future is; sometimes, I worry about the fate I might end up having if I cannot be well educated. I would always my conscience, guiding me to the future I would want, while enjoying my life at the same time.
Memories are pushed aside; they are out of my way. For I know I cannot always keep on clinging on to those past events, because then paranoia would surely take up in my head. Although I try not remember those past, they always seem to be a reminder and they are not the kind of reminders anyone want to think about. If I get scolded seldom, it is likely that I would make less mistakes. Mistakes often happen more when I cannot stop thinking about getting scolded the first time and all the time. This includes driving myself, taking exams, and cooking a meal. I would get of rid all the memories I never ever want to remember, nor do I want to think about it. I would not even think of the memories that would show up in my dreams. I would be done by then once I do not think of anything that reminds me something of the time when an event is caused by a careless mistake.
The life I am living has not changed since I used to have a life, flowing with happiness and joy. Once I get closer and closer into the future, I realize that things would get rough on me, so I stop my happy mood and become to who I am really am right now. I would not think about changing my life; this is the kind of life I feel comfortable of having and the life I am destined to go through, though I am unsure if "destiny" is the word to describe. I have always live this life, and I have liked living this way, even if I am alone. Living independently helps me learn more about how to really enjoy my life, while being independent at the same time. I could live out my life at home which I would never want to move out, so I have to worry about paying up the house before foreclosure. That includes when I would be working; I would working for a career that has always been my strongest subject.
If I take a visit, I will recognize alot of changes from new, incoming students to the buildings being added and remodeled on the school map. Some teachers may recognize me, only if I made them know of a certain period of time when I was their student. I would not worry about getting caught in a school where teachers would suddenly to know me from before. The only thing I would get caught in is the loads of works I get from working. As to how the future may seem in my perception, I can tell the world is not going to be gentle with me. I would stumble across many challenges and I am getting all the help I can get through my own conscience. Once I leave high school, or graduate, I would look at some events I am proud at and head on over to the path where my future awaits.
Brian, I am sure many of the people you currently know (as well as those in the past) will always recognize you. I still remember the faces of my fellow elementary school classmates, as far back as my first grade teacher. Several months ago, I reconnected with my elementary friends on Facebook, recognizing their profile pictures despite the fact that I have not seen some of them since the year I had class with them.
As for clinging to past events, I believe that you should not push them aside. Cherish the memories, or at least reflect upon them, because you will probably never experience what you experienced in the past – whether the memories revolved around negative events. You can always refer back to your memories and learn from the other persons’ or your own actions and decisions. I also wondered, while reading your second paragraph, whether one would make less mistakes with less scolding. Personally, at first, I agreed with your statement but later I asked myself: If there is less scolding, how will you know what you are doing is right or correct?
I would also like to say that I admire you for saying “… I always look up of having a positive attitude, such as asking for help when needed, defending myself when I feel vulnerable, and speaking for myself.” That was my favorite line, and I would like to develop those traits as I go along with my life.
I only knew for less than 3 months, but it feels like we met years ago. It was really nice to get to know you Rainbow. In sincerely hope we can learn more about one another in these last weeks at high school.
Maybe, if I am not too busy at Art Center, we can even keep in contact over FaceBook or BlogSpot during the college years!
Thank you for sharing your story with me. It is comforting that people out there have the same feelings as I do.
Oh, snap! This was supposed to be the reply for Rainbow's feedback on my entry. Mr. Feraco, can you delete/hide the above post?
“Nobody understands you better than yourself.” Lies. Now I don’t know about everyone else, but I, personally, feel that, sometimes, other people know me better than I, myself, do. That they point out something in me that I either don’t know or didn’t notice. Some people call this ignorance, and perhaps it is. Are these comments mean? Perhaps, but I never let it get me down for long. You see, I’m a flexible person. Not physically flexible, mind you, but mentally. I like to tell my friends that I’m like a wave. Everything just blows over me. Nothing keeps me down for very long – all that know me enough can testify to this.
Now I can’t say that I can discard this aspect of me – or perhaps “myself” would be grammatically correct. I can’t say that I want to, not at this moment at least. It’s come in handy multiple times. Because of this aspect, I’ve been labeled “ignorant”, my comments at times “uncaring” or “harsh”. Well, I haven’t exactly denied these comments, so I suppose it’s partially my fault these labels continue. But actually, I don’t find them in the least bit cruel or bully-ish. Don’t really know why though; part of my personality, I suppose.
Though it’s hard to tell from how I act on a daily basis, I’ve actually been through a lot of depressing situations, most that no regular teenager has had to go through. It’s made me seriously depressed at times. Through this, I’ve somewhat hardened myself to sadness. I’ve learned much, experienced much, and have developed my own personal beliefs, one of which is on happiness. I’m constantly smiling; optimism is the word. Every single person I’ve ever met can confirm this. You see, I have discovered a while back that happiness is contagious. Just as sadness and anger can easily spread, so can happiness. So I’ve decided that I want to infect my part of the world – friends and family – with happiness so that perhaps all of them can smile, at least for the moment. You see, it’s reassuring when people can see a ray of light amidst total darkness – even if it’s only for a moment.
I can’t say that I’ll know where I’ll be going. But there might have been a glimpse. After all, you’ve seen a part of where I’ve been through all I’ve written. Things will undoubtedly change while others will stay the same. The optimism will remain the same, that I’m sure. Either way, I’ll forge my own path in the future. If circumstances are bad, I’ll change them – as best as I can, at least. And who knows, I might even surprise myself in the future. I’ll invite the new in and improve the me of today for tomorrow’s sake.
Mr. Feraco, am I "flippier"? Am I seven kinds of awesome?
Technically, there are nine kinds of awesome. Anything more than four at once, however, is rare - and thus cause for celebration or praise.
In your case, it seems as if ignorance is a preference if it keeps you optimistic. In this case, being ignorant doesn't seem all that bad. You've acknowledged that others may perceive you as harsh or blunt, yet you don't let that get you down. Those all seem to be pretty much good characteristics to me as you can easily obtain happiness. I ,on the other hand, find it difficult to just get over things like a "wave". I may appear so on the surface, yet things really get to me deep down.
I do believe that other people can know ourselves better than we do; it is much easier to see what is going on as an outsider.
Our emotions do affect the people around us. When people around me are angry, I feel anger rising in me as well. After reading you post, I realized that I need to be happy for the people around me.
You're totally right about not believing in that quote. It's a complete fallacy, no one can truely understand themselves better than you can another person. I always have people telling me that I'm this or I'm that, and I had absolutely no clue I was anything other than me.
Also I can relate to how you have to go so much stuff that normal teenagers don't have to...same here. Except for the fact that you turn such negative emotions and change them into more positive ones with your optimism and smiles. I wish I had that kind of strength. I usually rant out to my friends, but that doesn't help, I have so many pent up emotions that I feel overwhelmed at times.
I agree that maybe other people know much better than ourselves. I often feel confused about what kind of person i am because people have different views about me. Just be happen and trust yourself. Make people happen is the most beautiful thing that we should do.
I always liked to believe I knew myself better than other people. For most of my friends, that is true - they only know a small fraction of who I am. But one friend in particular knows me better, much better than I know myself.
Haha, you are a lot like a wave. You roll with whatever comes your way and always seem so carefree, it's almost incredible.
"Harsh" and "uncaring" seem like foreign adjectives to use on you, especially since my image of you has always been with a smile. Heck, I don't know if I can even recall an instance when I haven't seen you smiling.
I want to create a person I can look back into with pride, whose mirrored reflection generates an air of general acceptance and approval. This person would be something just short of intriguing, someone that sparks an interest, with eyes that have life in them. Despite my nature of reluctance to attach myself and clutch on to the past, I would want this person to have some sort of imprint within him, hidden, with the past engraved into him to make a more unflawed, or arguably in some cases, a more flawed embodiment. I want him to be less like me now, more of something unrecognizable but distinguished, someone full of freshness, a breath of new air. I would want him to be more emotional with transparent hilarity, fuller of lightness and purity, with a stride of great fervor.
If it was possible, I wouldn’t hesitate to discard most of myself, only keeping the basis of its core as a blueprint to build stronger, solid structures onto the foundation. Most of my attributes fail to be of excellence, being really blatant imperfections, and I find myself feeling a vibe of disappointment at myself at times for the person I am. Regardless of what others may think, I myself feel that I am lacking something in me, something alarmingly significant, and that I have yet to find what it is, thus still searching for that which will change me as a whole, for better or for worse. As said before, I tend to look at most memories, and even surrounding life with indifference, a bit of apathy even, and for that, I wish to be more deeply connected with my memories and to life; to be able to attach myself as a person more to all the different things in life, ultimately being able to grow from it to progress further as a full-fledged person.
I believe that I will seek a new life, separate from the connections and attachments I have created so far, hence a fresh start, as I grow up and eventually enter the working society. I believe things such as my home would comfortably put into almost a book in my mind’s great vault of memories, barley revisiting it from time to time with a slight smirk and that sense of nostalgia that will blur within me. I feel surprised myself that I think this way, that instead of missing home, I find myself rushing to get away. For some reason though, I never felt that this place was my permanent home, but instead as a temporarily shelter, shielding me away from the rest of the world until I am prepared, and for that reason, I never quite felt “settled”. But almost with regret, I do not think that I am just going through a stage of life where everyone wants to feel independence at its best, a phase as some may call it, but instead, to me, it is understandably a permanent resolution that will surely be made, undoubtedly separating myself from the friends and families I have grown up with to this point in life. For that, I have an almost unavoidable sense of guilt, that I will inevitably abandon these people who have helped and influenced me so much, and even worse, that maybe deep inside, I may secretly feel a sense of delight and accomplishment of myself for moving on without them.
I honestly think you will forget much about me, or even me as a whole, until the time I may happen to meet you once again. I feel that you will recognize me when you do, albeit a bit different of an atmosphere that you may have been accustomed to, but still, a distinct but sure air of familiarity. I believe I am one of those passive people who typically fade away, leaving only a slight mark on where they touched, until they touch again to claim its existence, or maybe even as you would describe it, a “wallflower”. You have a hefty amount of students, and I find it difficult to believe that you will be able to remember each and every one of us. I myself tend to forget some of my peers sometimes, a brief scratch on the head with a embarrassing “who was that again?”, until it dawns upon me like a flicker of a light bulb on the exact moment I interact with them again: “oh, that’s who it was!”. But without constant interaction with them, I sadly admit that most of them will probably fade away into an obscure part of my memories as time passes by, dusty and untouched, or eventually, maybe even completely forgotten. To you, I consider myself in the same category as one of those peers I sometimes forget, significant enough to know them, but insignificant enough to forget them quite easily, at least until unavoidably and undeniably shoved into the face.
I have known you for a long time but I have never got to know your true character and as I read this, I can see what you want to be. I think you have changed by the way I see you and I think you have accomplished some of the things on your list. If you continue on your course, I think you can change to the person you want to become. In addition, I agree with the separation part of the past, you want to make your own person. However, it always important to remember how the new person became into being. And I think I will remember you if that counts.
"For that, I have an almost unavoidable sense of guilt, that I will inevitably abandon these people who have helped and influenced me so much, and even worse, that maybe deep inside, I may secretly feel a sense of delight and accomplishment of myself for moving on without them."
I liked that line. Of course, you shouldn't feel so much guilt because everyone else is doing the same to you. Nothing beats the freedom to break free from the chains that are your friends and family. (your comfort zone) Maybe that's why I want to leave so much... I sometimes feel that being stuck in high school when I have already experienced a bit of college makes it all the more obvious that I'm being tied down.
If I were to look back at my life after I have died, what would I see? What would I want to see?
I am not sure about the latter, but I know that I definitely want to be proud of everything that I have accomplished. I want to know that I was as successful as I possibly could have been.
I think you will be at least remembered for your writing here haha. I think you've done an extraordinary job expressing your feelings well and detailed.
I will be eager to let new people into my life but at the same time, I would still want to keep the old people in my life. I would never try to push the old people out because they are just as important as the people that I meet now or I will meet later. Those old people have shaped my life and make me who I am today. Without them, I would not be the Emma that I am now. By keeping them around, I still try to keep in touch with my elementary school friends. I believe that they are the ones who know me the most. I can say that they probably know me better than I do because they are the ones who watch me change, grow, and live. I am sure that I have changed in the past years and I do not even notice those changes. Thus, I feel like that I would be erasing my past if I push them away. I want to keep them and those memories with me so I am always reminded who I was and who I am today.
The person that I want to create is a combination of the old me, the present me, and the future me. The old me is someone, who makes the mistakes, fails, and falls. The present me is someone, who tries to learn from the mistakes, improves, and stands back up. The future me is someone, who does not make the same mistake and who is better, but certainly not the best. However, I think that it is impossible to be the best and no matter how hard we try, we only can become better but never the best. As mentioned in “Never Let Me Go”, we do not know what the best is because we cannot see everything. For right now, I am just trying to create a better person. Although I do not now how better I can be, I would just keep trying to become better until the end.
What do I want to keep? For this one, I have to admit that I am a greedy person because I want to keep everything, every memory, and everyone. I just realize that it is never possible to keep everything. At the beginning, I thought that I could use my camera to capture things so I could always go back and recall it in the future. I was wrong. When I looked at my baby pictures and my childhood pictures, I could never recalled that moment and went back to that moment. I could not remember what was I doing or where was I. This is depressing because I would probably forget everything that happens now. Everything that matters to me now can mean nothing to me fifty years later. I really want to keep everything that happens now and everyone who is around me. The feeling of trying to remember something that is forgotten is very painful and frustrating. Perhaps, I cannot keep everything but I would try hard not to lose anything.
I do not think that you can fully recognize me or remember who I am after like three or four years. You have so many students every year and I am only one of the hundreds. It is not hard to forget when you meet new and different students every year. Hopefully, when I come and visit you next few years, you can still recognize me. I do not think I would change at all. Well, I guess that I may change a little but not so much that you would see me as a strange and new person. I do not really plan to change over these few years. In the future, if I do change (and please tell me), it is most likely because of the environment and people that I am around with. However, I understand that changes do happen and we cannot control them. As long as we know why the changes happen, everything would still be fine. No matter how we change in the future, we would always still be the same to you because the old memories are part of our life now and we can never change it.
This quote, “Don’t cry that it’s over. Smile because it happened”, is perfect to summarize this blog post.
"I feel like that I would be erasing my past if I push them away."
I think the past is always changing, at least our memories of the past are. Don't you feel like holding on to the past with such desperation will hold you back? For me, I'm very happy with everything that has happened in the past four years. There's little for me to be sad about because I've promised myself and those I love that we will all make something of ourselves one day. Without that "push" we could never progress as far as we'd like.
I really love the quote “Don’t cry that it’s over. Smile because it happened.” I actually put that quote in the yearbook. This quote makes me feel better. I always feel sad when something wonderful is over, but after reading that quote, I turn my sadness into happy memories.
How you compare your past, present, and future self is very interesting. Now I think about it, it is very true.
Emma, everyone is going to change over time even if you don't notice. I will definitely tell you if I notice a difference.
I really like what you said about keeping the people from the past because if you push them away, you are essentially erasing your past. I completely agree with this mainly because I would not be the person I am today without the people I grew up with. It is really important for me to keep them in my life and just as you said incorporate part of my past with the present and future me. That was very well put and exactly how I feel about the person I wish to become.
That's true, I have been thinking about how much I could change I didn't fully realize that you could still remember the person you were.
I agree that we should keep the old people in life. We always changes, but maybe the friendships won't change. We have our own identities because of the people around us. Hope i can still recognize you after few years!
This year has creped up on me like a game of red light, green light; when I stare at it directly, dreading those weekday mornings and hours of classes, nothing seems to move. Within the moment, time is so slow that it actually seems to have stopped. Even Friday nights, free from oppressing tests, essays and projects seemed to go by pretty decently paced. Yet when I divert my attention elsewhere, my back faced against the clock, my timing instinct is never as accurate. I look back and realize so much time has fallen through the hourglass. I have underestimated the speed of the dripping sand and already, I’m almost through with the first fourth of my life. Now I’m wondering, what have I been doing these last four years? So much can happen in just one year; within three hundred and sixty five days, birthdays have passed, crops have all grown and been harvested, and a baby can learn how to walk. It takes a second for a car to crash, a minute to use the restroom, and an hour to watch television. Times those twenty four hours a day by three hundred and sixty five and you’ll get hours on end to change the world. The question I’m always asking myself is why haven’t I?
I want to become the person who knows what I’m doing; even when unexpected occurrences happen, I’m prepared to take on the worst. Without a doubt, there will be struggles, yet I want to be confident in my ability to overcome them, not barred by those consistent what if’s and worries. I need to work on taking more risks, tabulated of course; nothing too extreme, neither being too comfortable with myself nor nervous with inexperience. To be comfortable would mean for there to be no growth, and to always be anxious would surely one day give me a heart attack. I need to be more persistent and do my research! What I can do to aid my community and that’ll also broaden my horizon. Get off my butt and conquer laziness! I want to apply for scholarships, get a job and help take some financial burden off my single mother. Learn to be less temperamental and how to handle my stubbornness without compromising who I am. Be more understanding and find what other qualities make me, me.
As growth requires self reflection, my past will act as nothing more than a template, a guideline that provides me with the necessary tools to survive in this world. Although regrets are warped around past mistakes, as I grow, I will adjust and remove myself emotionally from those scars and they’ll eventually fade; like encouraging reinforcement, it’ll remind me that positive things can appear from negative experiences and from there, it’ll establish which memories contain worthy value and which do not. Earning my first reward, my first recital performance, and learning how to ride my bike- each occurrence has taught me endurance and appreciation for hard work. Even the most frightening memories are valuable for if I didn’t have them, I wouldn’t have the morals and out views as I do today. The first time I stole, I was unaware of the fact that I actually had to pay for it; I ate a package of chocolates and was punished heavily for it, leaving me with a sense of fear and guilt at the thought of stealing. Getting stitches taught me to think before I followed any physically harming impulses and witnessing my first dog pass away taught me the worth of life itself. These little memories, bad and good, built my personality from the floor up and are memoirs that I would keep for the rest of my life.
Last but not least, how I’d deal with “excess waste” or characteristics I’d like to get rid of all together. It could consist of the subtle, harmless memories that I’d gradually forget over time, but I’m more focused on the traits that I’d wish to do without immediately. I want to be less superficial, apathetic about the shallow perspective of teenagers, and ultimately, unashamed of who I am. I want to stop defining happiness and love by everyone else’s standards. I want to stop judging negatively based on first impressions and leave behind that ironic hypocritical attitude. Learning to talk less and do more; stop sitting, waiting, and wishing and start observing, learning, and acting more.
All of these aspirations and dreams won’t be an easy conquer, yet I’m not promising a completed wish list within a year. I just want to make sure I spend each hour in gaining a step toward my lifelong goals instead of faltering and regretting that I didn’t. I know I have grown in the last four years, but not enough; I feel as I haven't done anything and I really don't wish to waste another second. If you look at it this way, filling time instead of time filling your life, you’d actually get a sense that eight thousand seven hundred and sixty hours a year isn’t enough! So much to do, so little time! Yet, if I live this way, at the end of my life span, I’ll feel accomplished through all of my efforts.
You really can do whatever you want. No more regrets;
"To infinity, and beyond!"
I have the same view as you and your quotes at the end is pretty much everything that I believe in. I think that no matter what we do, as long as we do not regret it, would be worth while. We shouldn’t stop doing something because other people don’t like it. We only live for so long and no one knows what will happen, so live life the way you want with no regret!
I enjoyed reading your blog because it made me realize that life is so short and we must live it to its fullest instead of just "going through the motions". I like how you're not content and want to avoid being stagnant. When you said if life is comfortable then there is no growth I think is so true. If we are always comfortable it means we aren't willing to make risks. Risks are decisions, and without decisions some things in life might never happen. I will definitely remember that quote "You really can do whatever you want. No more regrets;
"To infinity, and beyond!"
There are a lot of things that I will keep when I leave high school. I will most definitely keep all the things that I have learned in high school with me. Knowledge is extremely important and it is used everyday. I will continue to build on it every day and year. It is never too old to learn. I hope to keep in touch with my friends. This is the last time that my friends and I go to the same school and hear the school bell. This may be the last few weeks that I get to hang out with them. After this school year, everyone will be scattered. People are going in all different direction, north, south, east, west, stay in California, or out of state. Every time I think about graduation, Graduation is supposed to be a happy event but to me, graduation is a time when I will say goodbye to all my friends and teachers. I will always remember what you told me, “Do not use Wikipedia!” I will continue to work hard in school (hardworking) and be punctual.
There is nothing much that I can discard besides discarding my bad habits. My bad habits include procrastinating, sleeping late, and always depending on my parents. I do not know why but I tend to do best on my homework and projects when I do it the day before it is due. I always tend to do that which leads me to sleeping late. My mom constantly yells at me. She always tells me to sleep earlier. When my grandpa came over to my house, he even told me that I will not have a long life. He said he would be surprised if I could live past 50 years old. I was in disbelief. How can my grandpa say that? For all my life, I have been dependent on my parents. I never worked and I always ask my parents for money when I needed money. Although I know how to cook, I never had to cook. It was always my mom or dad’s job. In a few months, all this will change. I will have to be independent. With no doubt, I am confident that I will be able to do that.
I am eager to seek out a new life for myself but I know I will yearn for home no matter where I go. When I hear the word “home”, I automatically think of my parents and a place where I have been raised. I remember I went on a trip to New York with some of my church friends last year for six days. During the six days, I missed my home like crazy. I could not sleep well at a hotel because I am use to sleeping on my comfy bed at home. I missed the food my mom cooked everyday. For the six days in New York, I remember clearly that I either ate fast food or buffet everyday. I was so sick of buffets and fast food when I came home. If I got everything straighten out, the New York trip was the second time I have been away from my parents for such a long period of time. I definitely missed my parents the most. I was so to seeing them everyday that if I do not see them everyday, I do not feel right. I feel that something is missing. I am glad that I am going to college this fall. I can finally learn to be fully independent and not always rely on my parents. I will miss them dearly. :[
When I visit you next year, I hope you will recognize me. If you do not recognize me, I will feel that I have not done anything spectacular in your class that is worth recognizing me. I know you have a great memory. On the first day of second semester, the moment I walked into B2, you asked me, “Are you Connie?” I was so surprised that you know my name. On the next day, you started to call on people by their names without looking at a name chart or attendance sheet. It was unbelievable. How did you know everyone’s name already? When I visit the teachers I have had in the past, most recognized me but only some remember my name. It was sad. When I stop by next year or a few years later to visit you, I am confident that you will recognize me but whether you will remember my name or not, it remains unanswered. :]
Your first paragraph is so true. The day after prom I was like, what is left? Graduation, I think, is going to be hard for everyone, some may put on the personally that they do not want to be here but I think truly that they will miss Arcadia. You also have some bad habits but I think when you are on your own, you will become more responsible because your parent probably ingrained it into you and those are common to most teenagers. Hopefully Mr. Feraco remembers you and you might as well do something memorable in these last three weeks and end it with a bang!
Really? I won't miss Arcadia. Its a bubble, protecting us from the outside world. As much as it is a good thing that it's like this, it still has its flaws. I love being here, but that doesn't mean I'll waste time missing it. (or maybe I already went through that process a long time ago) Maybe its because I never really saw Arcadia as my "home". Maybe I'm too much of a square peg in a round hole.
It seems like just yesterday that we were all freshmen walking into a new environment and meeting new people coming from the three rival middle schools. It seems like just yesterday I had different friends than today. It seems like just yesterday, I was happier than today. I am a person who never lets go of the past, and I get frustrated at people who forget things that I remember. Why should I even bother remembering something that everybody forgets? Right, like I had a choice. Sometimes, just keeping my old friends in my mind changes my expectations to new people that come into my life, but I am starting to realize that they all changed! Every time I try to start a conversation with my past friends, it always leads to memories and nothing more, because I somehow want to go back into the past where I was most happy with them. Instead of adapting with the newly shed snake, I choose to pick up its skin and desire for the snake to somehow crawl back into its old skin. What I just found out however, is that that is never going to happen.
If only I were to be able to discard such cursed memories of happiness and joy in which I now envy in others so much today. The question debating what I will keep or discard is arbitrary in my case because I am not in control of my mind. What I wish to acquire is a new life, and a new set of memories that keeps my old ones occupied and distracted. Possibly that just might be the reason why I want to just ditch high school right now and move onto college. That does not mean that I don’t want to meet up with my high school friends in the near future, but what I want to do is to reminisce about the past. The person that I would want to create in myself is an independent and social person, with a past that will have nothing to hold me back from. If my plan fails, I guess I will have to put up with being lonely.
My parents are selling the house right after I am sent to college so I am unable to experience the same setting as to where I was raised. I feel that the reason being that they choose to sell the house was mainly because my parents wanted me to be independent. Since I have explained that I am the type of person who would yearn for the past, I know that I will yearn for home. Having my mom cook me food and taking care of everything just makes my life so much easier, but when that’s taken away from me, obviously I would wish to have my leisure times back. Just seeking out a new life and leaving my parent’s behind seems kind of selfish in my case because they are expecting me to take care of them in the future. Although it’s almost inevitable for me to have a new life for myself I will still not stop thinking about the place where I was raised up.
Having my personality change over the course of high school, I know for sure that it will change again during my course in college. I used to be a carefree hyperactive little guy who loves to express his emotions with other people, but now I always watch myself before taking any actions and a lot more quiet than before. Possibly it’s because I always act my previous self with my friends and since my friends are always changing every year, I am unable to be comfortable anymore acting like my usual self. I’m sure that this is an identity crisis and how I really do not know who I am today, but my point is that people will not recognize me in the future. Even over a three year course of my high school life, my freshmen friends do not recognize me anymore, even though we go to the same school! That just brings up the discussion about having to interact with my past friends because it’s just so conflicting having to experience the warmth I felt before with that person. I am truly nostalgic of my friends and environment, but at the same time, I really want to climb out of this deep pit and fly up into the sky.
I know that you like to yearn for the past. However, I also believe that new situations and new people could lead to a very interesting result. Even though your parents are selling the house, it doesn’t mean you can’t come back and visit. When you do come back to visit, you might find home a lot more different than what you remembered.
At this stage of our lives, I believe we are all searching for the right pieces to build ourselves. I do not think that it matters what kind of person you end up creating as long as you do not regret it. The person you created might not please everyone, yet it only matters if it is who you want to become.
Right now, I honestly do not know who I want to become. I know there are a few traits that I want to avoid and a few bad habits that I want to leave behind. Things like laziness and procrastination will always be with me, yet I hope to discard these traits as much as possible in order to help me focus in school and work later on. Otherwise, I do not have a plan of who I want to become. Maybe I will realize that this plan does not work and that I need some sort of goals or a model that I want to become; however it is how I pursuit my life now.
I am very eager to meet new people. I will never push that away because I think it is fascinating to meet different kinds of people. Some of these people will eventually become friends and some might become enemies, while many others will just come and go and are easily forgotten. Meeting people is always interesting because I get to see different personalities, morals, and beliefs. In the process I might adopt some, avoid some, or realize that some traits that I share with them are worth keeping or should try and get rid of it as soon as possible.
I still think it is amazing how much I’ve changed. However, I am not sure if I have changed for the better or for the worse. I became a lot lazier, I procrastinate a lot more, and I care less for certain things. Sure I would love to change these bad habits, but I do not want to change the person I have become. Right now, this is who I am and my personalities are what define me at this moment. Therefore I do not regret my change, instead I am happy that I have changed this way. Though I gained some bad habits, I am happier now than I was before and I will not want to change back. However, I do look forward to more changes for the better because no change means no progress, and no progress leads to a pointless life.
I am definitely looking forward to a new life. It is why I am so excited for college even though I know the work load will increase. My parents had taken care of me well for the past eighteen years, and I believe I am more than ready to take care of myself. It feels great to do what I want without having to report to my parents or have them tell me what to do. Even if living independently takes a lot of responsibilities, I am willing to take on that burden in order to embrace a new life for myself.
I think it is somewhat true to say that home will never feel the same once we leave. But I believe that is an important part of life; to embrace a change. Most of the times, the change is in us and not the home itself. When we come back, we would have changed so much that we see things around us differently. Therefore, I do not think that we should stress over holding on to the old feelings we have about our home, but be prepare to embrace a new feeling and a new home.
I feel the same way, in the sense that i too have not be independent from my parents for the past eighteen years. I can relate to you in most of your answers. I also am ready and excited to meet new people in college. Also even though I have gotten the bad habit of procrastinating I am ready for changing this worthless habit. Change can be a good thing, especially if you're changing a negative aspect of your life into a positive.
Change is definitely something I'm looking forward to too. It's been a great eighteen years with parents constantly watching us, but things are never going to be the same again. We are very capable of making rational decisions based on our own morals and personalities. So overall, this is the perfect time for us to prove to everyone that we can do it alone.
I agree with the idea that it is hard to want to change who we are after we already change so much, but when i think of my parents they are both over 40 which is more than twice my age imagine how much change can occur by that age.
I also think it is important to "embrace a change". I think as were younger we want change, and when we age a little more, we want stability and the same old things. I"m also eager to meet new people because who knows what it can bring
As I leave for college and shed the snakeskin I want to create someone who is going to try his best to accomplish his goals in life and be as happy or positive with the end results. Staying stagnant is and not growing in any area of my life has become something that I dread I want be someone who has matured and grown in character and as an individual. Finally I want to be someone who lives life to its fullest and takes advantage of every opportunity given. This includes studying as much as I can to achieve the grades I want, working hard and late to strive for the career that I want and even just trying to do the very best in any I do. The person that I am creating is someone that I know will be happy and satisfied throughout life. Nothing in life can permanently bring down this person. Since he has done everything to the best of his capability and grown as much as possible, he will have no regrets in life.
I believe that I will be seeking out a new life for myself. The life I seek is a life where I wouldn’t be chained down by my parents. I feel that going to college is an important part of growth and it means that my chains are free. I feel that during college I will be doing everything to please myself and not live life with regrets. Looking back after four years of high school and 9 years from both elementary and middle school, I felt that I was doing everything to please my parents rather then doing it for the sole purpose of what I wanted. I feel that home has so many wonderful memories, yet I think that it is time to move on and finally live life according to how I want to. There are so many experiences I want to try and accomplishments to be achieved. The only way for this to happen to pursue what life has to offer and not go home as much.
The snakeskin that I shed may be removed, yet I will always keep the memories, experiences and important moments in my life these past four years at high school. I will keep the memories of freshman year and how I thought that this school was too big, with an overpopulated amount of people. The experiences I keep are the ones which have shaped who I am today and have grown me as an individual. The hard times I experienced, by persevering through four years of basketball and all the academically challenging tests I had taken. These have shaped me to be hard working and taught me the importance of being passionate about whatever I do and accomplish in life. The important moments that I will keep, will be the laughs with friends both new and old, the struggles I had faced with my classmates, walking through overcrowded hallways, learning from various teachers with funny personalities and the endless hours spent at school thinking about the day it’ll all be over. These are parts of the snakeskin that I will always keep forever and will never forget, even if I become someone completely different then when I was in high school.
When I return to Arcadia I hope that you will remember me. I may not look the same physically or act the same, but I hope that there is something about me that will always stand out. Whether it be a warming and comfortable hello or whatever trademark that I give, will help you remember who I am. However I hope that when you recognize me, it’s because I changed in a good way, or maybe even matured even more. Yet I know that regardless of how long it’s been I know that you will remember us, because I will always remember the beginning of the second semester, where you remembered my name without looking at the name chart. You were the first teacher who wanted to remember our names and wanted to be a part of our education. One thing that is certain, even if you don’t remember who I am, I will always remember who you are Mr. Feraco. I will remember this class, from the multiple blogs, baselines, 1984 questions and the various essays to the interesting and insightful lectures you presented. Not only will I remember the hard and long work assignments, but I will remember the questions that help me to think about who I am, what I want to do with my life and who I want to become. Your encouragement, care and understanding for me and the other students and your hard work is greatly appreciated. There are few teachers who actually enjoy teaching and want their students to grow as individuals and students. You definitely fit this description. Now as I move on into the world and tackle life’s new challenges and become one of the forgotten students, I hope you will at least remember this blog. And finally to end this I want to say something to Mr. Feraco.
Thank you for everything!
I agree with a lot of points you make here. If I remain stagnant and do not mature or grow as an individual, then I have failed. I am eager to become a new person, or at least a changed one. That is why I am ready for all the challenges that I will face.
I completely agree with your perspective on "shedding the snakeskin". Even though we may shed layers, the memories and experiences we have remain part of us. Your thoughts in the last paragraph are similar to mine in that I think even if the way we look and act may change, I think there is something about each one of us that will stand out and represent who we are. You have a great take on this, and I hope that after all that nobody forgets you!
I liked how you used the snakeskin analogy throughout your post. It really added the great content of your blog.
For a long time I did things only to please others too, I am glad that you have moved away from that.
Man, it seems just like yesterday we were still in Camino Grove. Anyways, great post and I wish you the best in whatever you do in life Tommy.
I appreciate the kind words, but I'm even more thankful for the impact you've had on the class; I only wish I'd had the opportunity to teach you first semester as well! Thanks for always going above and beyond the call of duty, for being a thoughtful participant who's friendly to all of his classmates, and for being the kind of person that everyone in your life can count on; that's not easy to do, especially now.
I can't wait to see where life will take you, but I'm certain you'll go far. Hit the bullseye, and keep on going.
So far, I have lived a relatively sheltered lifestyle. Wherever I went, my parents, particularly my mother, were available to help me. During the summer of my junior year, when I stayed at Cal Art’s dormitories, my mother still insisted on doing my laundry and packing my lunch. Never mind that Valencia was a thirty minute drive from Arcadia; leaving her me alone for a full month seemed unfathomable. When I had art class in downtown KoreaTown, my mother, tired of the 40 minute commute, reluctantly decided I should take the Metro lines instead. But that did not stop her from calling in the middle of class whenever I forget to tell her that I arrived at the studio. Sometimes, much to my embarrassment, she even calls my teacher. Even now, with college approaching, she still treats me like a child. Over the summer, I was supposed to fly to Taiwan and teach the elementary school kids there English. She cancelled the flight under the pretense that tickets were too expensive, but I personally think that she is just afraid of sending me out to the world. I began to grow increasingly irritated at her inability to let me go. Or so I thought.
In the not-too-distant past, I thought I gained independence through art class. During those long months I lived and breathed art. On Wednesdays, I attended three-hour gestural drawing workshops. On Fridays, I attended six-hour figure drawing workshops. On Saturdays, I worked on my art portfolio from morning until sunset. I struggled alongside competitive peers to improve under the teacher’s critical eye. We all had our moments of shame (I more often than others) during the critique sessions, but we also had our moments of triumph when we look back at our old art, and see how much we improved. During lunch and dinner break, we would all go out to the food court, and eat and laugh together. Every once in a while, we all chipped in for a party. Goodnatured Anna would bring her famous chocolate chip cookies with Ruffles chips mixed in them for the extra crunch factor, and kindhearted Sarah would bring in her homemade pastries made out of the sweetness of her heart. Even the teacher, blunt and demanding during class time, had a distinct sense of humor which brought everybody together outside of the classroom. Although we were a tight-knit community, nobody directly supported one another in class. At the studio, I took care of myself without the help of my parents for the first time.
If you read my previous blog posts, you probably know how this short-lived era ended. My mother did not like him. She and I got into vicious arguments over matters revolving around him. Under that guise of anger, however, I was afraid. She always was right about situations like these. Whenever she believes a person in in the wrong, she does not hesitate to intervene. As a child, I saw how terrifying it was to be on her bad side. I saw how she was able to pinpoint a person’s worst traits, and gouge at them until that person cracks. The scariest part of it all is that everything she said about my teacher seemed true. Even though my instructor had his obvious flaws, I improved by leaps and bounds under his teachings. I won’t go into the details of how it finally happened. One day, the entire situation just crashed and burned, and just like that, I was whisked out of the studio for good. Just like that, my fragile illusion of independence was shattered, and I found myself back at square one in the protective embrace of my family.
I began asking myself if that one year at art class reflected what life at Art Center was like. Was it a harbinger for the future? Even outside of the studio, I heard stories from my college friends. One told me that during midterms, a few students blacks out daily. Please take note that there was none of the preliminary bouts of dizziness or stumbling-- the fatigue is just so overwhelming that they just fall flat on the floor without warning, and get carted off on an ambulance. Another friend, who loathed Monster drinks, admitted that she took caffeine pills to make it through sleepless months. Even if those stories were exaggerated, the change in their physique tells me a lot about what they’ve been through. After the first term, they came back as walking skeletons. Their skin paled from lack of sunlight. Their eyes, framed by heavy bags, bulged out of their sockets from staring at canvases and monitors for hours on end. Quite naturally, I was terrified at the prospect of entering a college with such intimidating descriptions of campus life. It was not just the workload that frightened me the most. It is a given that I will struggle at Art Center, at least for the first three terms. I accepted that fact ages ago. What scared me the most was this: My sudden shift in lifestyle will separate me from my family.
As my high school years come to an end, I wanted nothing more to lay on my mother’s lap, close my eyes, and just relax. To my mother, it did not matter that I am eighteen and going to college. Even after all of these years, she remembered me as little “Nii-Nii” (Short for TiffaNY) and sometimes comes to my bedside to croon a childhood lullaby:
Wo de bao bei, (My beloved child)
Gang kuai shui jiao, (Go to sleep)
Ma ma ai ni, xin gan bao bei. (Mother loves you, precious* child)
Xin gan bao bei, (My precious* child)
Yan jing bi qi lai, (Close your eyes)
Ma ma ai ni, (Mother loves you)
Ba ba ai ni, (Father loves you)
Da jia dou ai ni, (Everybody loves you)
Xin gan bao bei. (My precious child)
How long ago was it when she last sung it to me? Ten, twelve years ago? And yet, after such a long period of time, that melody still echoes in my memory. I suddenly realized how close I was to losing this song. Two months from now, I will become a young adult. When that happens, I cannot rely on my mother anymore. I began noticing things that she did for me that I once took for granted. She wakes up early in the morning to cook breakfast for me. If I need to stay late at school, she finds time in her busy schedule to pick me up at a later hour. When I return from school every day, it is because of her housekeeping that I come am greeted by a clean, organized home. There are still dozens of other things, like the mortgage and utility bills that I still have yet to worry about because I am still living under her roof.
I am both fortunate and unfortunate to have such a loving mother. I know for a fact that no matter how old I am, she will still offer me the unconditional love and support she gave me since childhood. If I ever stumble, I have the comfort of knowing that she will be there to cushion my fall. Sometimes, however, I wish that I was living on my own, so I can experience true independence. Especially because I will still live with her during my college years, the temptation to rely on her for tasks I should be do on my own will be difficult to resist. I wonder who will initiate the changes in our relationship. It appears that both mother and child are reluctant to let go of one another. I want to become independent, but am afraid of being caught in another false illusion of self-efficacy. My mother knows I must grow up, but wants me to return home everyday as the child she remembers. Will I, in the name of my artistic passion, be able to put my beloved family aside for a few years? Will my mother, for the sake of my future, finally sit at the sidelines and let me make my own choices? At this point in my life, it is hard to believe that either of us will make such radical changes in the next few months.
This is going to be my future: Although I will still live in the same house and sleeping in the same bedroom, I will lead a separate life from my family. Five months from now, I will cook my own meals, buy my own art supplies, drive myself to school in the morning. Five months from now, I will probably be too busy working on a project to join my family at the dinner table. Right now, I feel less afraid and more curious about the future. I wonder how it will feel like-- to be so close yet so far from my family.
You can relax now
C’mon and open your eyes
Breathe deeply now
I am with you
Oh my sweet, sweet child
Who do you think you are
You are the child of God
And that will never change.
You had a dream
You thought we were separate
But now you hear my voice and…
You can relax now
C’mon and open your eyes
Breath deeply now
I am with you
You are the love of my life
You are my one creation
You are eternity
And that will never change.
-Shaina Noll, Songs for the Inner Child
Upon reading your post, I discovered that we have a lot in common with our relationship with our mothers. My mom can also pinpoint a person's worst trait and cannot let go of the mother-and-daughter relationship to allow me to become independent (even though she insists that I invite friends over or tell me to go out to spend time with friends, which due to circumstance, is not possible at the moment).
I can relate to a majority of what you wrote - and though I have never been to an art studio or taken traditional art classes, I can understand the feeling of concentrating on working on something from morning to sunset. I am also afraid of leaning too much on my mom as I become an adult, seeing as I would be living at home until I transfer out of community college.
(I also have a childhood song that I can relate to your mother's song. I nearly forgot the words of the song until last year.. though they were not sung by my mother, it was my grandmother who sang the song to me as I fell sleep at her condo.)
I only knew for less than 3 months, but it feels like we met years ago. It was really nice to get to know you Rainbow. In sincerely hope we can learn more about one another in these last weeks at high school.
Maybe, if I am not too busy at Art Center, we can even keep in contact over FaceBook or BlogSpot during the college years!
Thank you for sharing your story with me. It is comforting that people out there have the same feelings as I do.
My mom like yours has a hard time letting things go. She eventually did, but it was long and grueling process. I hope your mom can one day do the same, because I don't think I would have been able to grow up with her constantly checking up on me.
I never heard about blacking out during finals week at Art Center. You sure they aren't pulling your leg?
But I have heard of students sleeping in their cars overnight in the parking lot.
I kid you not. Actually, it wasn't a friend who told me about the blacking out incidents. It was a guy who worked at the front office, which in my opinion, pretty much confirms it since he presumably knows what is going on all over the campus.
Although, it doesn't seem like it, my mother also had some letting go issues. She always let me do my own things, plan my own schedule, and so on. But I remembered that she kept stalling to get me an instructor and take me to take my permit test. She told me that she didn't want me to start driving because I'll start going out a lot. Eventually, she took me to take my test and now, I have my license.
It's scary how fast we're growing up. I never thought that I would be driving anytime soon. And yet, I still call my mom to take me to school and pick me up. Part of it is that I'm not ready to grow up. But when I drive, I feel so much older. I can run my own errands, go places without having ride difficulties.
Like you, I'm still living with my parents and I wonder what's it's like to be so close with my family but live separate lives. I'm already cooking my own meals, buying things I need, and driving myself to places, but I still feel the same. I wonder when I'm really going to feel like I grew up. I hope that when I get a job, I don't separate myself too much from my family and my "inner child". I want to keep that child-like quality with me.
Good Job! Your blog is really captivating. It’s sweet how your mom cares for you so much. Don’t forget that lullaby; you might need to use it in the future!
I suppose in my case my mom was okay with me going out into the world now, but scared that I my personality will change. Recently, she's been coming in at bed time to just talk with me. She encourages me to go out into the world, and to do the things that will make me happy. Perhaps she believes that if I am happy with my job, I will be the same daughter she knew for eighteen years when I graduate from college.
I actually got my driving permit on Tuesday (After failing the written test twice. Third time's the charm, haha!) Predictably, my mom's nervous about the prospect of me driving. When I get my license, I bet that she will still ask me to call her whenever I go somewhere.
I honestly don't mind though. When you grow up, you are not surrounded by people who honestly care about where you are. It's kind of nice to know that she still worries about me.
After reading your blog, I figured that our mothers’ have a lot in common. My mom is super protective. She needs to know where I am every time I go out and she expects me to call her when I arrive and when I leave there. I can understand why my mom does that though. She cares a lot about my security. She is unwilling to let me go because she fears that something might happen to me. I remember when I parents took my sister to college, my mom and sister was crying. Saying goodbye to my sister was extremely hard for my mom because she mom had always been by her side 24/7. She is fine now. What will happen in the fall when I go to college? Will my mom react in the same way or did she learn that at a certain age, she must let her daughter go?
I am the first child going to college in this generation, so I have yet to see my mom's reaction. Since I am going to Art Center, I'm still going to stay at home. So hopefully, she won't have to cry so much. The thought of making her cry makes me feel a bit guilty...
We children of protective and loving mothers should form a
Facebook group to honor them, haha!
I remember how much I loved my mom's song when I was a little kid. It was a huge surprise for me to learn that my mom kind of just made up that song herself! Eventually she memorizes it because I ask her to sing it to me every night before I go to sleep. I guess it was just the presence of my mom that puts me peacefully asleep. How can it be easy to let go of all this?
"I guess it was just the presence of my mom that puts me peacefully asleep. How can it be easy to let go of all this?"
I will stay at home during my college years, so I don't think I am the right person to ask that question. But even as a stay-at-home college student, it will be incredibly hard to let go of my mother. I imagine that feeling even slightly alienated from her while living in the same house is a bit depressing.
I am scared of changes, but at the same time I desire for them. When I was 10, I decided to leave everything behind to come to United States. Three years ago, I chose to come to Arcadia, leaving my friends and the life I was used to behind. The first years after those major changes in life, I didn’t adapt well; however, in the end I was glad that I had those changes. Those experiences will help me in adjusting to the new college life next year. I will not miss my family as much since I have already got used to not seeing my family for years. I am not going to yearn for home because I don’t really have a home. I am going to miss my friends, but I am excited that I am going to meet many more new people. I am excited for college life even though I don’t know how I’ll change.
I want to use graduation as an opportunity to recreate myself. Before I enter college, I want to get rid of my fear of taking tests. Even though over the past two years, the fear has slowly disappeared; nevertheless, I am afraid it’ll come back again once I go to college. The difference in school difficulties, lack of friends, and inability to adapt well had caused my fear in test taking when I first moved to Arcadia. I don’t want the same horrible experience again. The second trait I want to discard is my shyness. When I first came to America, people thought I had autism. I was afraid to talk to others; moreover, I was ashamed of my English skill. Even though now people tell me that I am not reserved at all, I am still afraid to talk to some strangers. Sometimes I still feel scared in expressing myself. I want to get rid of my fear of revealing myself to the public. I want to be able to make friends quickly.
I have always been a determined person; I do not ever want to give up that characteristic. I want to become successful; I don’t want to waste my time and money. I hope I can get the job I want in the shortest amount of time; however, I refuse to spend all my youth on studying. My dad told me that “one must know when to study and when to enjoy life.” I was so into school work that I didn’t really agree with him. However, after what had happened in sophomore year, I decided to give myself some freedom. Friends who know me well urge me to lower my self-expectation because I was stressing myself out to much. I agree with them that I am putting too much pressure on myself, but I will never lower my self-expectation. My expectation for myself is higher than the ones my parents have for me. I have realized that my expectation is the main force that has been keeping me working hard. It is the factor that assists me to do well in school. Now, I do not have as much pressure to do well in school since I have gotten into all the schools I applied to; however, my standard for myself won’t allow me to slack off. I still study hard whenever I have tests and put in my best effort on homework and projects. I will not stop working even if the result does not really matter. Good results help me boost my confidence and self satisfaction.
I am very glad that I am able to handle my school work and play time well this year. I had many great times with my friends; I get to hang out and relax every week. I hope I can still be able to do the same thing after I graduate from high school. Life is much brighter and enjoyable when one can balance out studying time and party time.
The thing I want to acquire in the next few years is my confidence. I do not believe in my own abilities. I have realized that I always give myself fewer credits than I really deserve. Sometimes I am afraid to express my own opinions and ideas because I do not believe that I am intelligent enough. I am scared to present myself to the others since I don’t think I am good enough. I really want to break the belief and start seeing my truth self. I hope I can become more confident after going into college.
Next year when I visit you, I am pretty sure you’ll recognize me but you will notice that I have changed. Even in those four years in high school, I have realized I have changed quite a bit. The new experiences and life in college will definitely alter me. I might also change physically over the next few months; however, I will still have my old self that you remember.
I can completely relate with you. I moved to Arcadia from Taiwan at the age of fifth-teen, and at first, I find it very hard to adapt at first. After all, it is incredibly hard to make friends with people speak different languages and have a different social and cultural background with you.I, too, want to finish my education and get a job as soon as possible.
Although I am eager to reshape myself and to become a new person, there are some aspects of myself that I will never let go. I know that for as long as I am alive, I will never lose interest in the great game of baseball. Even when I am eighty years old, I want to have the same passion for the game that I do at seventeen. Also, I will always be the same energetic, fun-loving guy who enjoys life. As a friend, I am going to continue to always be there to support my friends as best as I can. My friends know that no matter what, they can always call or text me and I will be there to talk to them. Lastly, I plan on maintaining my strong Christian faith.
There are also some things that I plan to remove from my life. I know that once I leave high school, there are going to be some lost relationships. Some of them I want to end, some I do not. However, I know that sometimes there is no getting around things. I definitely do not plan on talking in class as much once I am in college. I am going to be a much more independent individual as well.
I also plan on adding new things to my life. I am going to Cal State Fullerton and will be majoring in Criminal Justice. I plan on using a degree to become an FBI Special Agent. I am going to get involved at Cal State Fullerton as well. I am going to be a part of the University Honors Program and also plan on joining clubs or some other activity. Most importantly, I plan on forming new relationships and becoming part of a new community. While I will miss Arcadia, I am eager to continue on with my life and start anew.
When I come back to visit, I think that you will definitely recognize me. Hopefully I will have grown maybe an inch or two to become about 5’8’’. I definitely am NOT going to be packing on the “freshman fifteen”. I am going to be hitting the gym a lot and hope to get a lot bigger. I will most likely still have my blonde hair and will have probably about the same personality that I do now. If you don’t remember me, I will just remind you that I was the loud white kid who sat in the corner by the whiteboard.
It's great how you're determined to keep certain hobbies and traits going for you. I think it's important to keep those in mind because too much change can be a bad thing as well. I haven't really thought about it though. It was always about how much we would change, but never occurred to me that we need to keep certain things in tact. We still need to stay true to who we are.
I totally agree with you on how you don't want to lose baseball as an interest. I myself find basketball very fun to watch and play and I still want to have the same interest in as you say when I'm eighty years old too. But I am sad to hear that you want to end some relationships in high school. You mentioned that there's just no getting around some things. I think you are relating that to some issues that you have with a friend of yours but I always find it really easy to overcome issues with my friends. Talking it out usually helps the best and you can overcome just about any obstacle with that. Good luck at Fullerton.
Who do I want to create? I want to create a person who has the ability to go against the crowd. Someone who can stand up for what they believe in even if no one else believes in them. The person I would create will also be able to have knowledge of all the failures in the past I have done, and learn from them then in combination not lose any of my present identity. When you start to fuse together someone that can know the past and learn from it and also apply that to the future. That person can change who they are. Where I am in my life I am very happy with who I am. Therefore with the person I create I don’t want to change major aspects of my personality.
I will discard my indecisiveness and my poor ability to judge time. When it comes to me making a decision I am do that very poorly. When a group of friends ask me what do you want to do? Not wanting to not please everyone I either say something neutral; even if I don’t like it, or I will just say I don’t know what do you want to do. An other way of expressing this is I want to be more confident in what I am saying. I want to stop second guessing my ideas. Then to go to my other thing I would discard would be the ability to judge time. I would not really discard this ability as to never needing it. I would just discard the way I do it now, so I can learn a better way of doing it. The way I judge my time now is pretty poorly. I would just relearn it.
What would I acquire? Anything I can get my hands on is something I would acquire. If it pertained to knowledge then I would learn it. To getting a certain job, I would work hard till I get it. There would be no end to what I would get.
I tend to let people in to my life. However when it comes to opening up and sharing deep information, I push them away. I don’t open up to people very often, its very hard for me to share some deep information with someone I just meet unless they have really made an impact on my life. I can think of less then a hand few of people who fall under those circumstances. However people whom I known for a while and been good friends with I can say that I open up to some of them, and we can spend hours talking about anything ranging from school to who we like. Some people make more of an impression on you then others.
I agree with you about how we let people into our lifes, but when it comes to sharing our personal backrounds and more personal information we tend to push people away. We put up our guards against anyone, except for the people we love and the people who can be trusted. Many people would want to aquire anything they can hold in their hands. Whatever good we can get, we will keep it.
I too want to be someone who is not afraid to step up for what I believe is right without compromising who I am. When people ask me what I want to do, I try to say something that pleases everyone. Even if we end up doing something that most, including myself, enjoys, I would end up feeling bad for the one person who did not like what we choose to do. And I think that everyone has trouble opening up to some people. We all have friends that are easier to talk to.
Wow, this blog began pretty epically, I love your wording and aggressive tone. I felt it was important that you pointed out how you plan to learn from your mistakes. Also, I hope you find that confidence you are looking for in college. You’re a strong-willed person; you get things done. “There would be no end to what I would get”- shoot for the stars!
I will never forget you. I loved you so much, yet I never had the courage to ask you out. Why couldn’t I? You gave me reason to continue living in this pathetic world. No. You are the reason as to why I am still here. The memories I had with you this school year were priceless. Sure, I was probably one of the worst dancers to be with at both Homecoming and Prom. But you still went with me and managed to make every experience there a memorable one for me. Even in Feraco’s class, a class in which I had the most homework, the most effort and the most time put in to any class in my life, it was an enjoyable class. Because you were always there with me to type up those last answers on those philosophical baselines and those 1984 questions. Sure Feraco’s homework assignments is probably the worst thing to be doing with someone special, but I always believed that it is the person that makes an experience memorable. Neither the place nor the activity.
After three weeks however, we will finally part our ways. I will still be at California hopefully attending UCR. You however, will be leaving to a college almost three thousand miles away from Arcadia! I guess we can do nothing but just continue living our lives without each other. But of course I don’t want that to happen. I want to be with you until the day we die. To see, everyday your priceless smile and cute expressions. Most importantly however, I want to be there when you are in need. To protect you from the profanity this world has dwelled into. But what can I do? We will three thousand miles apart.
After I finish and graduate High School, I will find out what love really is. My first burning question is whether there are really different types of love. Throughout my entire life, I have been constantly taught by my church that there are three different types of love. The three types of love I have learned all come from the Greek Language: Eros, Phileo and Agape. Eros describes love on the physical level. It is basically the sexual lust a couple has for each other. Phileo is a love that is reciprocal. An example of this would be “I love you because you love me” or “We both relate to and understand each other”. Agape love is a type of love that does not seek something in return. This kind o love does not seek reciprocity, instead it just wants to reach out and embrace the object of its love.
This past year, I have been so concerned with love and what it truly is, that I never really planed ahead as to what I want in my future. Of course we all know now that I want to be with that girl who is going to a college 3,000 miles a away from here. But what else do I want to pursue? Sure, I will try my best to major in sports administration at UCR. Then after receiving my master’s degree in sports administration, I will apply for a front office position for the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. After being accepted into a position, work my way all the way to become a General Manager I grew up cheering on for. What if I achieve my dream of becoming a General Manager but unfortunately could not be with the girl I love to this date? If I were put into such a situation, I would believe that I have failed my life. I know I shouldn’t make another person even if it is the one I love the center of my life, but really it is all I can think of doing at this point of my life.
I don't think my homework is the worst thing you can do with someone else...it's just probably not anyone's first option!
But this was nicely written. Sometimes it's best to let the words flow and get out of their way - that's how this one reads, and it works.
And every college professor worth his or her salt will tell you that agape's what we're really chasing when we look to that point on the star.
I agree with Mr. Feraco here: Real men aren't afraid of love.
Nicely written. But do not be sad. Enjoy these last three weeks with the girl. Besides, who said you can't have a friend 3,000 miles away? The world is very big and full of many people. As seniors, we have not step into the real world. But once you go to UCR, many oppurtunities awaits you. You will meet different people.
I always believed in this following statement:"If there is a will, there is a way".
Ah, you're trying to find a lost answer to an age old question. The answer is lost and therefore you cannot find it. Love finds you instead. I hope you understand that. Love is the point on the star that exerts all that the other star points can offer. You willing to give up a little independence to this love? Would you play ignorant to this love instead? How secure do you think you should be in front of her? Will you even change yourself and therefore your identity? If you are willing to give up a little, I guarantee distance will be a negligible factor. If you give up a little star power, I guarantee love to you will have NO distance. If you would rather live a bit more secure, independent, etc. you might find that distance will always be distance. Maybe it was meant to be, Ryan. Then again, maybe not. I don't think you should strain yourself. I'm sure love will find a way. Just make sure you don't get in love's WAY. Think of love as reality in a fantasy and you'll find a creative solution to your dilemma. Fantasize a little. Be a little more real. She's leaving, but you're still both here in this big ol' earth.
In words that have been told to me when I was in middle school if you and she are meant to be your paths will cross again someday. Yet, another is if you love someone that much you should let them go, because if you truly love someone that much you should set them free to progress and live their life. Even though she going far away you still have face book and AIM so don’t worry you still have a form of communication. It’s been nice knowing you and hope everything goes well.
After all the years of living at home, I’m finally given the opportunity to be on my own. It’s hard to give up the comfort for an unknown future but it’s inevitable. We must all grow up some day. I know I won’t have my own room, bathroom, or anything as a matter of fact. Even if after a rough day at school, I won’t have the luxury to shut my room door to be isolated for a bit. Every single part of me will be present in college; the happiness, the sadness, the wackiness, everything. It’s not necessarily a bad thing, but it’s definitely a change that I will encounter whether we are ready or not.
Although I rarely communicated with my parents, just knowing that I had them nearby was reassurance when times got tough. I didn’t have to care about the technical stuff like food and laundry, but now I’ll be responsible for that. Not that I didn’t do it on a regular basis or anything, but I always had the option to do it. If I had too much homework, dinner would still be served. Its small things like this that gets to me, but at the same time I know my whole family structure would change drastically.
According to my father, I’ve always been the child who was average; average grades, average personality, average lifestyle. Nothing about me stood out to him. In other words, I didn’t have the potential to be someone amazing or memorable. It was harsh to think that way, but it was the reality I lived in. He would always boast about my older brother’s achievements and the amazing talents he had, but rarely did he mention my name. That was my childhood, semi neglected; it was always about how great he was and how I was just…ok. Everything, however, has an end to it. My brother began to fail as he entered college and made mistakes after mistakes. Slowly my father’s expectations of him disintegrated. Now, suddenly the “average” boy didn’t seem to be so average anymore.
I’m graduating in a couple of weeks and I’m no longer that “average” boy. In my eyes I have done whatever I could to make it thus far. Without the need of praise or acknowledgement I will make every minute of my life count. Whether I fail or succeed, I know I’m going to follow my own instincts and my own intuitions. The mistakes I make are my own. I was fortunate enough to not have the “Asian parent” strictness. Everything I did in school was for my own benefit and future successes. It was not for my parents so no pressure whatsoever. Even till this day, however, it’s hard to see my “role model” collapse and give up. I’m a little disappointed at his lack of drive, but life goes on. Now, it’s going to be my turn to make changes to my life. Whether they approve or not, change is inevitable.
For all my life, I have tried to figure out how to describe who I am. Am I reserved and restrained? Am I obnoxious and silly? Am I stubborn and contentious? Am I selfish? Or am I selfless?
I have discovered, or rather, decided, that I am all of these at the same time, and that is not a contradiction.
What makes me who I am can not be put into a single set of words. Different parts of my personality are not replaced during my experiences but are built upon.
I will act differently based on the situation I am in and what I have learned in the past. This does not change who I am. When I leave high school I will not create a new person and choose what he will be like. I will be the same person, only I will face new challenges and opportunities that will require me to use everything that I have learned up to this point to adapt and change how I act, all based on the context of my new situations.
I first thought of this when I tried to figure out what my natural handwriting looked like. There are so many ways I can write; I could write in cursive or print, I could write slanted or straight, in all caps or no caps, big or small, messy or neat. After a while, I realized that I really don't have a "natural" handwriting. It only depends on the context. If I am in a rush, my handwriting may come out sloppy and slanted. If I am taking my time, it may be neat and straight. If I feel I have a lot of room, it may be big, and if I feel like I am short on room, it may be small. These nuances in my handwriting aren't caused by a conscious effort to write differently, they are natural adjustments to the nature of the situation I am in. After writing for many years, the ways I can write have not changed, but I have developed other ways or writing to deal with different situations.
The way my handwriting changes based on my situation is representative of how I will change as a person living a new life. Really, the only thing that matters is context.
Sometimes it is said that someone has had to "grow up fast", like when a father dies and the son has to take care of the family. But to me they can only "grow up fast" if they already possessed the ability to do so. I think it is not really dropping and picking up pieces, but reorganizing the pieces into a solid, useful form. This is what I think will happen to me when I go to college and become an adult. I will leave behind the mistakes that I've made, but take the lessons that I've learned from them. I will leave behind the people I didn't like (and ultimately leave behind many that I really did), but their impact on me will not be left behind, and they will be part of me as I move forward.
To be honest, I can't wait to leave Arcadia behind. Its not that I don't like it, its just that I am tired of the same and I want something different. I want to start a new life, but in reality I cannot get rid of my past because my experiences are all part of who I am. If I was once immature and childish and I return refined and professional, it will not be because a part of me that once was no longer exists, but that I have learned from it and changed how I act based on that.
When I return you may not recognize me because I really do hope to be different. But while I may look different, act different, and even sound different, what will make me who I am in the future will really only be built upon who I am right now.
I like that you have realized that you cannot put what it is you are into words. Describing yourself in detail (not physical details) can be extremely difficult because mentally we cannot even fully comprehend what it is we are. I really like your handwriting comparison, it is very unique. “The only thing that matters is context,” what a good take on life.
Thanks. Yeah, basically, I feel like the way we act and present ourselves to the world can be described in adjectives, but the things that really make us who we are are beyond words.
I can tell from the way you compared your writing to your life that you must have dwelled on this for a while. I want to thank you for reminding me that no matter how much I change, those changes will only be an additional level built upon my foundations. Wanting to depart high school is something that I relate with you. It's like super tight shoe now. We need to get a larger pair.
When I look at myself I feel as if I could be so much more than what I am now. I feel as if I could have done so much better, but I realize that I have to let go of all those regrets. I made my decision at the time and what I ended up with is the consequence; now I just have to look forward to the vision that I have for myself in the future.
The person that I want to create is someone who still has the same friendly personality, but will be more refined with words, more mature, more confident, more outgoing, and hopefully taller. Very doubtful that last one will happen though. My personality, I feel is something that will never change for me. I will always be a nice person that will quite often put others happiness before my own, even though I know that sometimes it is not very healthy for me. Sometimes when I speak and I reflect upon what I have said later it just feels as if the way and the words I use are so basic. I want to able to articulate my words in a way that my sentences will be like works of art. Of course, a lot of the thing that I want in my future self is simply things that come with age. As I grow up, I will mature, I will be able to articulate better, and I will become more confident. I know that I am not confident now because I don’t have any real experience in life yet, or perhaps it is because I look down upon myself sometimes. I believe that confidence is extremely important in life and especially for when I go out into the working world. If I can’t seem confident during an interview, how can I expect to be hired? Now all I do is put up a façade of being confident, but I would like in the future to truly be confident in myself and not have to put up a façade. Growing taller I feel will be the one thing that is truly out of my control, it all depends on my genes.
I am quite eager to go off to college and meet new people. To socialize and create new groups of friends, while at the same time keeping close those few key people that I like. I want to meet people who are similar to me, yet also different. I don’t think I could stand being around people that are completely like me because then we would really have nothing to argue about. I want my friends to be the same, yet fundamentally different. I will push away people that I feel will be a bad influence on me and will make me compromise my own morals.
Last week, while I was walking my dog in my neighborhood, I saw a woman jogging with her 5-year-old son. He would always wander off away from her and try to go on someone else’s lawn and touch something. She would always yell at him “Brandon! Come back here and don’t touch that.” Right now that is how I feel. I feel tied down at home always having to tell my mom where I’m going and what I’m going to do when I go out. Like a dog on a leash, I want to be that dog that breaks free from that leash; just running free and anywhere I want. That’s why I don’t think I will yearn for home; I want to have freedom to do what I want. And it’s not like I will have a home to come back to anyway, my mom will be selling our house and moving back to Taiwan after I go off to college.
I use to think that I had my life planned out, but as it turns out you cannot plan out life. You can only set goals and try to achieve them. I don’t think that I will be caught in the middle of this all. My mom tells me that “high school was a blank slate for me to start over” and now she tells me “college is a blank canvas for me to start painting my life.” She tells me to forget the past and just concentrate on the future. So I will take my past and keep in my memories as I begin my new life in college.
Even though you think you can be so much more than you are now, being your friend since 6th grade you always taught me things that I had no idea existed and I just want to thank you for that. Even during the crazy times with our friends you always still made me feel like there was so much more out there that I had to explore for myself. Along with some of your other paragraphs I think you have a great adventure ahead of you and I know that you will not be "tied down" during college and will explore the world with no more regrets. I hope you have an amazing time in college and wish you the best in your future.
After reading your post, I think I kind of feel the same way. I was amazed when I got to the part where you said you were going to move. We have been neighbors for quite some time and I have never really had the chance to get to know you. I still remember the time when I tried riding on your bike when I was little and I fell. I cannot believe how fast time is going by. I hope you are successful at what you are pursuing and have to good future.
A good person. A kind person. In college I will love everyone while keeping one eye on complete and utter success at all times. I will lose my tendency to criticize, and I will only understand others. In high school I've always been afraid that I complain about characteristics of others when either I have the same traits or, even worse, I am completely imperceptive of their actual personality. I say a lot of unnecessary things, and in college I want to stop doing that. I will be more observant.
In control of my time. Many times over the years I have lost track of my time, and have procrastinated. By extensive planning (that is still reasonably flexible), I will destroy wasted time. Although I have a pretty good system of controlling my things to-do, I really want to be better at it. Contrary to popular belief, this will not make me busier, but instead make me less busy. Having a stricter schedule to get my work done will allow me to hang out with friends more. I value my time with friends, and next year I need to have more time.
One of Mr. Feraco's students from UCSB came and visited us at some point during the year, and his advice was to make a friend a day. He said after a couple weeks we'd "have almost... well about... you'd have a lot of friends." I take that to heart, and I really want to connect to people and my professors. Everyone at college has some sort of unique knowledge, and there's a lot of people out there. I think learning from all of them would be a wonderful experience. College is about meeting new people, learning new things, and becoming more enlightened about life in general. My experience at college will be just that.
Ultimately, I think I'm going to like college. I'm pretty happy with my personality as of now (though I think it would be better if I had less work), and I will be trimming the parts I dislike off the edges when I move. I will miss my life in Arcadia, but I will always hold it in my memories and heart with love and not longing. I will simultaneously cherish the life I've made and leave it behind. I will not disappear. And the people I've met will not disappear. I think if we're all met to meet again we will, so there's really no need to worry. When we do meet, I will be a little different: wiser, more knowledgeable, and more confident. And heck, maybe I'll be a bit bigger from going to the gym.
May you be successful in your future career starting off with college. Like you said, networking and connecting to others takes a huge part in the real world. You will need it in the future. Wish you the best in trimming your personalities. I believe everyone would be a little bit different when we meet Mr. Feraco again.
Well thank you. I wish only the best to you as well. I think the real world requires a lot of talent too, but I will definitely make networking a high priority. May we connect to a brighter future.
I like what you said about keeping one eye on success at all times and how you want to abolish saying unnecessary things. I think we all say unnecessary things in high school and a lot of people continue to do so way after college. That and ending procrastination are really good goals. Unfortunately, I'm not sure putting an end to procrastination is going to be an easy feat. It is definitely something I too wish to accomplish.
Yeah I just find that many times I catch myself losing sight of what really matters. I think I just don't like the feeling of waking up from sleepwalking through life and not knowing where I am. And as for saying unnecessary things, I can't stand that either. I hate to present myself differently than what I mean. And all I mean is to be caring and sincere.
I think everyone is a little bad at reading the people around them. I know I am. I love how you plan to make a new friend everyday, and challenge you to see through to it. You already are a kind person and a good person, albeit a little weird. Aren't we all? Go work out. Go plan!
Andrew had some good advice for you guys. I'm glad you remembered his words.
And I think you'll enjoy college too.
I've been at that weird stage since second semester started; because even though i knew graduation was still a couple months away I knew I had very little time to change myself. Once my senior project was done and over with it finally hit me that this was it, my senior year is coming to an end very fast and during this year my friends and I always said "Oh I can't wait to get out of here" and now that its almost here I don’t know how I will act knowing that most of my good friends are gone! Once I start college I will need some time to adjust to the people and the thought of "starting fresh" kind of scares me. I know the time will come to meet new people and leave the old ones behind, but deep down inside i will always remember those that have touched my heart all the way back to 6th grade. Even though almost every weekend I tell my friends "let’s meet new people", and end up meeting tons of people a weekend I know that in the end those people won't matter anymore, only the ones that have been there for me during the thick and thin. The ones who I can go to and talk about anything with, or even when I just need a simple hug from just to let me know that they are there. I'm sure during college I will meet great people who will do just the same, but I will always have my true friends in mind from high school and middle school.
This might sound so cheesy, but I have kept every note that either a friend has given to me or some doodles of mine from freshmen year. Those are inside jokes, memories that I will come home to after college and laugh at and think of the people those notes or inside jokes were from. Soon I will look back and see on how much i have changed since graduating high school. I know for a fact that I will still act like the crazy little freshmen even until I am 30 years old, but the way I will change is by my out look on life. As a freshman I just thought life was simple and that all I needed to do was cruse on through the four years of high school and then the same with college, but now as a senior I find myself stressed out almost everyday about college, last weeks of school, and the rest of my life. Keeping pictures and notes are just a little part of my life that I don’t want to loose because without those memories I don't think I would be the person I am today.
I don't think I would want to create a totally new person because then I would just loose my true self. I would want to be able to continue on with who I am, but slowly grow up as the years go on. I see my life as a brick wall, you start off with just bricks and cement and you have to build that wall smoothly or else you will have an uneven, unstable wall and soon it will come crashing down. That’s why I would want to build my wall slowly but surely, even if it takes a little bit more time I know for a fact that I will be nice and stable. Now many people say that starting college is a "fresh start”, but do they mean fresh start as in school or in themselves? Because when I say that I mean it as new school new people, but never a new me.
I think when I come and visit, you will still be able to recognize me unless I change my hair color or something, but I don’t think that will be happening anytime soon. As a person I think I will be more open and a little more talkative and calm around adults, cause as of right now I'm really shy around adults, but once out in the world I think I will be able to talk normally without having my palms sweat or my heart start racing. As a person I will have changed, but even the thought of changing scares me because I can never picture myself getting older or getting dressed up everyday to go to work. I’m used to the simple t-shirt and jeans with flip flops everyday, but once I graduate I know that it is time for change and start getting used to the nice clothing and starting to grow older and act like an adult.
Keeping those notes isn't cheesy at all. I've kept every card I've ever received in a little box. Most of those cards are birthday greetings, a few are from Christmas, and others are miscellaneous thank-you cards. I love sitting down and rereading those cards every now and then; a great wave of nostalgia washes over me every time I do so. That's why I can relate on why you would keep those notes and doodles.
I do not necessarily have any desire to change. I not only like the life I am living now but I like the person I have become in the last four years. My Cross Country experiences have taught me dedication, how to stick to my commitments. I have learned to persevere and work towards my goal no matter what stands in my way. I have become a leader and not the follower I was when I came into high school. Outside of extracurricular activities, I have been able to reach out and find the best group of friends I could have possibly asked for. Obviously the connection with these friends will be hard to maintain when I leave for college, but I want to remain the same trusting and caring person I have become.
Now then it comes to pieces I want to discard, there are a few things that come to mind. I am a person who, while can commit to a task, is very picky as to what tasks I chose to persevere in. For example, if I do not like a specific assignment, it is very difficult for me to attack it with the same fire and devotion as something I like to do. I know that there are going to be many things I love about my major in college, but without a doubt there will be daunting tasks ahead of me that I must power through.
While I have an amazing group of friends and will miss all of them dearly, I will most definitely welcome others with open arms. I am a person who thrives on the company of others. Without friends at any University I would quite literally lose the will to complete anything. Friends are there for one another and the sense of security one has from knowing they can rely on someone else for anything is priceless. Even though I will welcome a new group of friends, this in no way means I will not keep in touch with my other friends. My group of Cross Country buddies is planning to web chat once a week if possible. While we may be separating ourselves from one another, this in no way means our connection is severed. Even if it may never be the same, we will always know one of us can rely on the others.
While Texas is only about 1,700 miles away, I am really looking forward to the new experiences and the difference in lifestyles. At the same time, I know I am going to miss my home, my family and the life I had in high school. Yet while I will always come home for vacations, I will not stop one moment to dwell on my past at Arcadia High. In all honesty I am looking forward to leaving, but not because I dislike the school. It just feels like it is time to move on to the rest of my future. Will I come back to visit my teachers? My answer to this is, most definitely.
I really liked how you are able to gain so much experience from a sport or activity , i feel the same way about theater or drama as it is commonly known. It has been an honor serving in Feraco with you.
Man I really know the feeling. I feel like a rocket on a launch pad with destination infinity, and I have 23 more days of filling up and then three months until liftoff. Another thing I wish I will have more of in college is your ability to move through whatever is in your way. I get distracted a lot, but I think in college I'll make a conscious effort to really keep an eye on the prize.
I like how you went from your past to your current personality, and then applied it to your future. You are also undoubtedly correct in that there will be things that you don’t want to do; this is the case for all of us. Also, it is awesome that you value your friends that much. I feel the same way about Arcadia; I don’t hate it, but our time has come. Great work, man!
I totally feel you about having to move to Texas, because while you're going to be melting there, I'm going to be FREEZING in Massachusetts (and I'm going to have to get used to spelling a state who's name is pretty annoying to spell). As for the assignments thing, "if I do not like a specific assignment, it is very difficult for me to attack it with the same fire and devotion as something I like to do"... I WONDER HOW FERACO WOULD INTERPRET THIS . just kidding!. GO CROSS COUNTRY !!
All these 18 years of life, I’ve growing up and learning to be a real person. Being a person who knows how to take responsibilities and deal with problems. Being a person who has personalities such as honesty, loyalty, and mature. Being a person who always has a dream in my mind and do my best toward it. The path of growing is not easy. Problems and struggles are things I can not avoid in my entire life. Every time I face them, I always learn from them and develop myself. I leave pieces that are not good for me behind and gain new pieces of good traits from them. Every time I did that, I could say I become a better person.
If I have a chance to create a better person I prefer, I would like to create myself again! As a normal person, I think I’m not perfect and not exactly the way I always want. I don't satisfy my appearance for a long time. If I can change, I would like to change it first. I’ve always wanted to have a lovelier outlook which can help me to interact easily with people. Second of all, I would like to have all good traits and personalities in the world. I would like to be a combination of all these good stuff and become a perfect man. However, this is only an imagination. There is no such thing as a perfect man. No one can be perfect. Actually I love to be the person I am right now. I like my life. I would keep everything I have instead of discarding them. I think being real is more important.
People always ask me what I think about life after. Yearn for home or seek out a new life for myself becomes two options for me. For me right now, I’m eagerly to seek new life because I have been waiting so long to go to college and become independent from home. I would like to meet a lot of new people and live away from family. This can train myself from being protected for such a long time since I was born. However, when I go to work I would like to spend the rest of my life with people I loved. I will find the true love and have a nice family. I will take care of them as the man in the house. I want my life to be stable other than meeting new stuff. This is the life I prefer.
Who am I? I thought that I completely knew who I was, but I was just being naive. As I became more of a lady and started to take some control over my life, I began to realize that my comfort zone was not the place I should continue to stay. I need to step out and walk into the real world. I learned this lesson painfully, but I am glad that I realized it now then later. During the process, I opened up my eyes and saw what lies outside of my front steps. The world revealed itself to me. And I suddenly comprehended that the world is full of business people; we give and take. There is no safe place to go, except to your family and true friends.
This may sound depressing, but I believe that my hypothesis is very true. Learning from my over trusting and naïve characteristic from the past, I will begin to change myself I will change the person I see now in the mirror into a young lady that will succeed and make more networking. Just like Aldous Huxley said once, “experience is not what happens to a man; it is what a man does with what happens to him”. Now, I understand not to weep and stall over my failing experiences, but to move on. I will do my best in becoming a blend of confidence, passion, and ambition.
I am not the same girl as I used to be. I believe I have changed over time and become more mature about my surroundings. Life has struck me with its hard blow the past two months, but without these pains I felt I would not have seen it as a blessing. On the other side of the rainbow lie experience and the opening of my potential. I have done things I never thought I could have done. I found out that I am more capable than what I believed I could do.
Even with this evolution of myself, I will still hold on to things tangible and intangible to remind me of my past and happiness. I do not need to hold onto everything, but I will like to keep things memorable to me; such as memories. Some may argue that memories are just something that blocks us from moving forward, but I disagree. I am a great admirer of holding onto memories. I would remember things people tend to forget. This is just part of my nature; observing and helping whenever I can. Memories are reminders of good times and assistants in what to do at different situations.
Hopefully when I come and visit Mr. Feraco, I will become another person. A person with more determination, courage, and persistence. But I do not hope to drift away from my gentleness or my kindness. I just want to be more outgoing. I believe that through these 18 years of life, I am ready to take my challenge to change myself. Like I said before, “experience is not what happens to a man; it is what a man does with what happens to him”.
You know what Jen, we're kind of alike in the sense that we were both naive and rust others easily, yet we end up hurting ourselves.
HOWEVER, we learned our lessons! So we're prepared for college, so no fears!
Determination, courage, and persistence? I think you already have those qualities in spades! Those are the characteristics I highlight in your recommendation letters.
I know I have these traits, but I feel like not everyone sees this and I would like people to see this side of me. I want to make these characteristics more dominant.
At this point in time, I hate not knowing what is in store for me in the future. I know exactly what I want to do in life and how I want my life to be, but what if things don’t go as planned? How am I supposed to know that I will for sure end up as a dentist? After completing the senior project, I know by hand the route I need to take to pursue my dream career-but I have this huge fear of something keeping me from that. For example, I’ve heard stories of people being set on becoming a doctor and then in college continuously change their major leaving them unsure if they still even want to be a doctor. I guess ultimately, I just want to feel accomplished. I don’t want to ever get to a point in my life where I wish that I did things differently.
For the rest of my life, I want to keep and uphold my family’s values and traditions such as family ALWAYS comes first, dinner at grandma’s house, the ‘prima’ hangouts, the once a month poker night, the Vietnamese New Year’s hot pot celebration, the American New Year’s early (and I really mean early) breakfast. I never want to let these be one of the pieces that I lose. I believe that I will always keep my competitive edge which is what drives me to even try in everything. I will always keep my musical side active. Even though I am not going to be participating in the band in college like I have since the 4th grade, I am going to continue playing piano on my own time. I never realized how long music has been apart of my life and I plan to always keep that aspect of my life active. I may not be able to play everyday like I have been since the 4th grade, but I still aim to keep in touch with it. Being respectful towards other people is a trait that I will keep throughout my life. I absolutely hate being disrespected myself, and therefore I will always remain respectful to everyone around me.
I am more than eager to try new things and meet new people but I don’t want to ever forget the people that I already know or have met. I do want to have new experiences. I think that I am going to eagerly seek out a new life for myself. My family has been so caring and has always made me feel loved that I will feel loved no matter where I am. Of course I will miss their presence, but I don’t think that I will yearn for home because I know that they are always there for me, and I am thankful!
It’s going to be extremely hard for me to slowly let go of all the athletics that I have competitively participated in since childhood. Throughout middle school and even high school, I was able to balance all three of my sports with school and other extracurriculars, but unfortunately I won’t be able to juggle everything throughout college. School is and has to stay my number one priority and I can’t run the risk of jeopardizing it.
When I come to visit, I want people to be able to recognize me as the person that I have always been, however I want people to be able to notice some changes. I hope that I will have progressed and that people will be able to see it. I hope that I will be moving forward- neither backward and nor remaining stationary- and people will be able to see that.
I think that its great that you are confident in what you want to be, because many people, myself included, are still not sure. If you just put your mind to it, hopefully you can accomplish your goals. And if you try to become a dentist and realize you don't actually want to be one, you shouldn't be disappointed, because it would actually be worse if you actually became a dentist before realizing it didn't make you happy. As long as you don't get discouraged by setbacks, I think you'll be able to feel accomplished in the end even if you do wish you did some things differently.
I can relate to the things that you don’t want to forget, like the family gatherings. It’s great that you know what you want to do in life, I kind of have an idea but I am not sure what’s right for me. Leaving high school behind will be hard along with the sports and not ever being able to play in an organized group like the one we are in now. I hope you become a dentist and not let anything get in your way.
I’m not the kind of person who holds on to the past. It’s ironic how childish I am then. To me once it’s gone then it’s gone and all that would be left is my memories, not like I do not cherish them but I accept that that time of my life is gone. So as I leave high school I feel worried about the future, but I don’t know if I’m ready to leave high school. When I was younger and moved to Arcadia I did know I was going to miss my friends, but it wasn’t that terrible feeling some people would get. Whenever I lost a friend because they moved or a cherished teacher because they left their job I got over it fast. When I left middle school to high school I wasn’t that moved, though I didn’t know what I was going into. As I am leaving high school though this might be the biggest change of all, but it’s also one that happens to everyone and I have to keep moving on. The person I used to be is not a stranger is more like a friend to me rather then someone who I was. Someone I used to know well and I don’t see them as much anymore and I move on. That I could still see by reading a old diary entry or a drawing.
The future does scare me but it’s something we all have to do, move on. In the future I wouldn’t be worried about how much I have changed because the person I used to be isn’t me. To some extent the person I will be is a stranger to me, when I was younger and I dreamed of me being older and standing on the side of the street waiting for the light to change so I could get back to work. For some reason that scared the heck out of me. Though now I am looking forward to the day where I am waiting to cross the street, feel a odd sense of Deja Vu and think “dam”. I hope my older self is more mature, though I think that is some of my personalities the same I would probably be still childish. So at least I hope I won’t be lazy all the time. Still I think I will never change enough that the person I was younger will be a stranger. There are things I might lose that I miss, some things I will gain that I’m proud of and insecurities that might still be there. No matter how much I change the person I used to be will always be a old friend.
For a good half an hour I was too nostalgic to write anything after reading this. I would fit in the category of people who still haven't really begun letting go of the pieces that's bound to fall off me. I remember talking to the seniors from last year, about how they are feeling what I'm feeling at this moment. When I couldn't help but showing a little suspect to what seemed to me as overly sentimental, I was told, "wait till you are a senior next year Bryan". Senior year feels much faster to pass than the other three of my high school. For the first time the changes I see in myself are only subtle, unlike the quantum leaps I had from each previous years to the next. My height has stopped changing (against my uttermost desire for even one more inch), my exploration in morals and reasoning has slowed down. What I'm different the most in is that now, I could feel an overwhelming sense of maturity which I didn't have before. I 'm starting to feel that I'm getting older.
So I have tried to avoid acknowledging this time, this state of mind all along. I can't stand picturing myself visiting my classes and teachers, cutting through or just flow aimless with the crowds in the hallways without my breath getting heavy. College admission season, my parents, my friends and many other bonds and relationships have kept me afraid to face the fact that my train is already moving on, that all my memories and chances to build myself as an Apache are slipping away. I have had a much longer tough time with myself than I expected, that is, until reading and reading and chewing on this blog. "that you were on the edge of a golden opportunity...this is less a time for fear and confusion than a time for unbridled excitement" makes me wonder, that perhaps it's time for me to take a first step now. So it shall begin.
This time when I google it, it won't be "And the Earth Did Not Devour Him Sparknotes".
I loved the way you ended your blog, Bryan. You were able to get your point across in one sentence. Yeah, I read this blog yesterday and felt too sentimental and sad to write anything or think about leaving high school. It's good that you feel more mature now because that will help you adapt to college better , help get you in the mindset to be ready for change, and help you make better decisions.
Thank you much Sophia, best ideas come from experiences in life. If you read Spark notes often, I don't think you would give me half as much credit to that line haha.
Sitting at my computer desk, I am posed with a question. Who am I and who do I want to become? I am the person that sits quietly in the background, absorbing all the opinions of others before I speak out. I am the guy who speaks only when spoken to, rarely engaging with anyone new. This is not the man I want to become, but I believe becoming who I am today was a necessary step I needed to take. Without this step I will not be able to shed my old skin and become the confident, charismatic, and loving person I would like to be. I will essentially be the same person, just the person my family and few friends are able to see. Essentially, I want to become the person I always was and will be. Only now, I want to share who I am with the world.
On the way to becoming that person, I want to keep the memories that have bent and molded me. I wish to keep the thoughts of summer morning workouts fresh in my mind. I want to keep the damp and filthy feeling of wet socks rubbing against your skin a part of me. And the brief but fleeting self-satisfaction that I got when I knew I was working, and everyone else was deep asleep in their beds. I want to remember the weekend sessions of NBA 2k9 and 10, basketball on Friday nights at First Avenue, and the feeling of accomplishment gained from solving my first Rubik's cube. These are some of the things I do not want to let go, because you cannot get anywhere in life if you don't know where you been.
Where I'm planning to go next year is a very unfamiliar territory. What I hope is that I will be able to build up to become a man of character and value. And in this pursuit, I yearn to be a person that is willing and eager to let new people into my life. That is what I think was wrong with my mentality throughout high school. I was too unwilling to explore and venture into new and exciting friendships, but that is going to change. I am going to search for new people and new experiences. I wish to become more open to the different, because it needs friends too.
When I first stepped onto Arcadia High territory, you were right with me taking your first steps too. And I clearly remember the first time I encountered you Mr. Feraco. It was a typical day of summer practice, O'Brien was talking for what it seemed like eternity, and daily stretching was taking too long as usual. But out of this typical situation, I noticed a different and out of place person that seemed too old to be high school runner. Apparently his name was Mike Feraco, aka FeracObama. Four years later, I am your student and a glad one in fact, because I got to begin high school with you and end it with you. I hope you will recognize me when you visit. I for sure will recognize you.
Ewww haha the "damp and filthy feeling of wet socks rubbing against" skin has me picturing an icky and uncomfortable feeling. However, this description and how you feel about not wanting to forget it, is something that I can relate to also. That wet feeling reminds me of all of the soccer games and practices in the rain and the early morning summer practices remind me of the 6-8am summer volleyball practices. But your cross country practices are intense!! I definitely applaud you guys for being able to do all that running!
But I really like how your blog was flowing and easy to read. I think that you will be able to branch out and meet many new people next year in college and I admire how you have set social goals for yourself.
Hey, I’m on the same journey as you! I too am a person who is usually quiet, who sits back and listens to the opinions of others. I was a very shy child and the second I finally admitted it I started to work on it. I have come a long way and still I am sometimes unwilling to venture into new friendships. But like you, I will be working on myself. You are not alone!
I too am like you. Listening and observing are my fortes. At the same time, that is not how I want to be in the future. College will hopefully be my turning point where things start changing for the better. Its cool how you started with Feraco and ended with him. I have the same situation, except with my foreign language teacher. I always wonder how different I was as a freshman, and how much I will change ten years from now.
I don't think it will be too long before you visit...after all, the team starts running on July 2nd, and I have a feeling you'll stop by a couple of times before heading out!
To be honest, a teardrop almost rolled down from my eye as I read through the blog entry. Just a few weeks ago, I couldn’t wait to be done with high school. I felt so tired and sick of everything high school related, and so ready to get on with my life into college. Yet, now, with only three weeks of school left, I don’t know what to think. Nostalgia is definitely present. Two days ago the lowerclassmen in band all received their band camp information packets, and I sensed their excitement through their Facebook and Tumblr posts. One of the posts even proclaimed, “It’s like Christmas for band kids!” Reading their posts, I came to a sudden awakening of how much fun I used to have, and how I’m never going to experience that again…for the rest of my life. Today, I played with the band members for one last time in the Pops Assembly…again, one last time, for the rest of my life. Somehow, I was glad, absolutely glad that I’m done for good, but there was a little voice looming around in the back, whispering “no more…forever.”
Once I graduate, my entire high school career will be over. Complete. Done. Gone…forever. There is no turning back. Recently I have noticed that everyone else is, like me, realizing that we’ll never see each other again, and we are all trying to retouch with our memories of high school, and reconnect with friends or become friends with acquaintances whom we have never talked to, before it is too late. Even though drama still exists, we all try to ignore, and enjoy our last few days here so to bid goodbye to this place with only happy memories in mind.
That way is the ideal approace to say goodbye. But it’s a bit impossible. I’m glad to not see some people again, while sad about not seeing others, as well as relieved to not see the boy who has broken my heart, and I can get a move on with my life without him. However, I know at some point in time, I will see everyone again, and we will either embrace each other and comment on how much we’ve changed, or pretend we don’t see each other.
No matter what happens, we are all guaranteed to change, and I for one know I want changes. I want to be more independent, to be stronger, and to be more perceptive about the world around me. I know I must work hard because the academic demand will be high, but I also want to have fun, to experience every aspect of college life, which —yes, you guessed it—includes [have to edit out those references, Shirley - MFE]. Because once my four years of college are over with, I won’t experience the same things again, and I don’t want to regret, just like how I regret about not living my high school years to the fullest.
Hopefully, these changes and experiences will not present too much harm while help me grow and have fun. Several weeks ago, when all I could think about was college, I was excited to meet new people, to start a new life with no strings attached. But I realized that some strings are going to be attached, and although I’m still excited to meet new people, I’m not as enthusiastic as I used to be.
Fear is beginning to strike me. I fear that my roommates might be punks, fear that I won’t adjust to the college life as well as I expect myself to. I also fear that with the newfound freedom I will party too much and harm my chances of going into a nice medical school, and sometimes I fear that I won’t be social enough because of the workload for a pre-med student. Honestly, I’m just scared of the future because I don’t know what to expect. I know I will welcome the changes because I can’t wait to rebuild my life based on my regrets and successes. Yes, I am tired of walking in the same hallways and listening to the same old bells, but at the same time, I want to keep and to relive my high school memories, even the bad ones, because I don’t think I’m ready to let go.
So I guess, all I can do, and all I should do right now is to sit back and enjoy the last moments of high school while I still can, because soon enough, with the blink of an eye, everything that was once familiar to me will be gone.
Me too! I almost cried too when I first read the blog entry. I am scared of the future too because I don’t know what is out there but at the same time, I am excited to see this new world. I don’t think we are ever ready to let go but no matter how hard we try, things do go away. I guess that we are forced to be ready when that comes. Yes! Enjoy the last moments of AHS.
In the beginning I too had wished the year would just hurry up and end. I was sick of high school drama and how immature the underclassmen can be. But now that there is like 18! school days left, I am wishing the days would never end. Though there are many things that I so tired about this school I rather hold on to them for as long as I can before leaving. Arcadia High School holds so many memorable moments—embarrassing moments, sad moments, glorious moments—that it is so difficult to let go of. Arcadia High is not only our school and our gossip grounds, but our home. It is almost time for us to leave…and I am sure all the seniors on campus are wishing the same thing, “one more day, just one last day to be with our friends…”
Mr. Feraco sure made a tearjerker out of this one. I know how you feel. Even before senior year started I had been worrying about all the people I would be missing when I left. Now that I know that I will be hours away from any of them, my desire to stay has grown. Still, I am just as excited to be able to meet new people. Before, people were all restless and wanted to get high school over with. It seems that our chance to sit back and relax is dwindling down to zero. I think we are all a bit afraid to blink.
I feel the same way. As the days begin to disappear, I become more and more nervous of what is to come. I can't wait for this year to end, yet I can't help but hope it last a little longer so I can make my final memories of high school. Change is bound to come, hopefully good. Whether bad or good though, I will try and make the best out of it.
It’s weird; I went into high school knowing that these were the years that I would miss when I was older. As another year is ticked off I think, “Another year of High School gone” and feel panicked. As I am leaving school I’m more worried about grades then missing my friends. I don’t want to think about it. It’s not like I don’t want to leave High School it’s more like I’m resigned to leaving high school. I feel a lot calmer about leaving then I was last year, I really thought I’d be freaking out more. I hope that one day I’ll look back and not think of these years as the best year of my life. I want my life to be more exciting and I don’t want to think of this time more fun then it actually has been.
I read Mr. Feraco’s post in denial. Refusing to let my vision linger on any one line, I allowed his words to fly past my eyes. My initial reaction was a refusal to absorb anything I was reading. I didn’t want to acknowledge leaving my childhood behind or saying goodbye for good to “home” in Arcadia. This feeling scares me because for one thing, I’ve never been scared of change before. Never. Not the idea itself of “change”. I’ve always welcomed experiencing new situations. But now, I’m dreading change with every fiber of my being, and I’m not used to this feeling. I’ve seen my dearest friends go off to college and come back looking exhausted from rigorous workloads, exposed to the crazy life outside of Arcadia, and awfully homesick. Will college leave me with a bitter first impression as well? To what extent will freshman year change me?
But then I flashback to all the times people have asked me, “Is there any other senior going to Georgetown?” And I say, “No, but that’s a good thing.” So, I suppose ironically I’m looking forward to the opportunities I have to sever all my ties from Arcadia, because that’s exactly the reason I’m glad I will not know anybody at my new school. Doesn’t that mean that I’m looking forward to change then?
My self-identity is bound to change as I enter college, as my environment is going to change drastically. I forget the exact percentage, but over half of the students at Georgetown come from private schools, and I’ve heard from several sources that there definitely is a large presence of wealthy students on campus. This is something I’ll have to adapt to, as I myself do not come from a financially well-off family, and the thought of that makes me wonder if I will feel intimidated on campus. Also, I’m going to a college made up of only 8% Asians. Having grown up in a large Asian population my entire life, for the first time in college, I’m going to stand out culturally and ethnically in a crowd. Then there’s the fact that I’m coming from all the way across the country. This makes my lifestyle different; I’ve never had to live in snow or frequent rainy weather, I don’t wear the same types of clothes as them year-round, and I’ve been exposed to California-things my whole life and not east-coast-things.
During my freshman year, I want to focus on not letting my identity crash on the rocks. I wanted to go to the east coast so I could strand myself in a new and different world, and one of the challenges I’m most looking forward to tackling is how to embrace being different. I want to learn how to keep a strong sense of identity in different environments. I don’t really have any personality traits that I consciously want to change about myself once I enter college. Just stay more on top of my schoolwork, and that’s pretty much it. I know my personality will change, but I’m going to let myself acquire whatever new traits I naturally happen to acquire.
The AHS alumni are slowly rolling back in as they’ve been finishing their years in college. Although they looked tired and a bit more cynical, I have been so glad to discover that my closest alumni friends still have their best traits; the traits like humor and sweetness are even better now that I’ve missed them for so long. When I visit Arcadia again, I hope that people will recognize that I still have a part of me that they once knew from my high school years. I hope that not only will I have kept some of my best traits, but also that those traits that make me “me” will have grown better than they are now.
The fact that we are going to graduate in a couple of weeks and that we will all go our separate ways in a couple of months still hasn't hit me yet. I admire how you want to experience what it is like to be different. To me, it seems kind of scary to go to a completely different environment. But you are very courageous and strong for wanting to experience that. =]
I like to think of my time at Arcadia like that lovely metamorphic process that a butterfly goes though when it is transformed from a caterpillar. I have been in Arcadia school only since the 8th grade, before that I only knew catholic schools and the” joys” of being with the same 30 students for 7 years strait. I say joys loosely because honestly in that time I felt compressed uniform like I had no true soul and that I was just a number on a desk or kid who sat alone at lunch. I know that sounds really pathetic but when I came to First Avenue Middle School that all changed. I discovered a word that had never before reached my mind, friend. I had friends in middle school I was allowed to dress as I wanted and do anything my heart desired. That’s when I think I began this reinventive process that to this day is ongoing.
If I had to change something about myself I think that the first thing I’d look at is the things that others judge about me. You see a kid run down the halls to his next class and assume he is studious, I walk down the halls and end up tardy so as not to appear to studious. I need to work on not caring. Not in the sense that I am heartless but rather that I am without fear of what others think. This fear of others impressions is what I honestly think is what prevents me from reaching that level of acting that some of my fellow actors before me have been able to enter without as much as a second glance. Another big thing I want to change about myself is my work ethics , as much as I like to think I am a good student I know that I often fall short of what others expect of me. I think that it is far better for me to live up to others expectations than force people I care about to lower theirs.
On the other hand there are many things I would never change, my willingness to listen being one of the top things that I am proud to call a trait of mine. I love to listen to people and hear what they have to say in a way it is a trait I learned from theater but it has given me the ability to bite my tongue when necessary and to not always say what I feel directly. I think that this skill is by far one of the most useful skills I possess. Another is my newly re-ignited faith, my life has gone through a series of roller coasters since high school began…well since the day I was born. No matter how bad it seems though. I always find a way to get back up and keep going and as high schooled relationships are by far the most challenging roller coaster to face, they are also the only ones that give a truly great rush that makes you happy you got on. I know some call it the honey moon phase but sometimes you’re in it though the loops and the bumps and never losing faith has been one of my greatest strengths.
Overall I would say that although there are some things about me that could improve, I am still happy with whom I am and would not trade away a single experience in my life.
I can relate to the part where you mentioned the experience of high school relationships. People tend to brush them off as ingenuine ore unrealistic, but if no one in high school ever went past that comfortable friends zone, school wouldn't be as worth it. I remember when I had a girlfriend my freshman I felt a little sily, but at the same time I felt like I finally had someone in my life who genuinely cared about me as a person. Whenever I was with her I would feel this funny pulse in my stomach. It's a feeling I still get today when I am around a girl I feel strongly about (not going to mention names), but it is still present today. It's another part of high school that I'll miss definately.
Throughout this semester, writing some of these blogs was just so dreadful. Dreadful because they forced me to think of life and society, my future goals and expectations, and myself. This being my last year, I already have enough anxieties. As I filled out my college applications and wrote my college essays, I was scared, confused, nervous, and excited all at once! At seventeen years old I am on the edge of jumping into reality, however, behind me is the world I had spent sixteen years to build, sixteen years to create and perfect. Looking forward is not only to leave behind my family and my carefree life, but to leave myself. I know I can’t stay in this high school world forever (no matter how badly I want to), but I can’t seem to push myself forward. At this moment I am kind of just waiting for college to come mainly because I don’t know how to greet it. College is the big dive into reality where you start taking full responsibility for your own messes and begin becoming the one who takes care of you. Mom and Dad are no longer going to be there when the laundry needs washing, and they are no longer able to be the ones taking the blame for your mistakes. But however much I fear college, it is inevitable.
Even though I am fearful of college and the mistakes I am sure to make, I see it as an opportunity to start a new book— a new life. As I walk onto my college campus I will be able to create the person I’ve wanted to become for so long. As a college student I will have acquired enough discipline, understanding of others, and self confidence to blossom into the person I dreamed of becoming. Now that I think of it, this person I have so longed to become is very similar to my mom. She is convincing and intelligent, creative and beautiful, and has a great sense of style. She is caring and loving even though she never says it and most importantly she is understanding. It is probably very cliché to say my mom is my idol, but living with her for so long and knowing so much about her it’s hard to not want to be like her.
As I journey through my college years, I will definitely be holding on tight to my past. I plan to never discard anything because I believe the past is very important. When I was a child I found it difficult to understand why people in movies with amnesia were so desperate to figure out their past; now I know why. Having no past is having no identity. In order to be content all points of the star must be as close as possible, and having no past makes identity virtually unattainable. Basically my past is my identity. All the pictures I have taken, places I have gone, and words I have written down hold some part of me. They are evidence of the life I once lived and the person I was (or still am). My past is not only part of my life but it is also who I am.
Going off to college is difficult for everyone, even for those who say they can’t wait to get out of the house. It is because everyone is going to eventually miss what they had a year ago. I mean this is our first year maturing into adults and growing up is difficult. It isn’t just living by yourself and getting to do what you want without anyone stopping you. Growing up includes a lot of responsibility, time management, morals, and A LOT of chores such as cooking, cleaning, washing dishes, doing the laundry, taking out the trash and cleaning up your room. So many people, including me, are going to miss home because that was the easy life. Everyone is going to miss being a child, especially in the beginning when they are not use to taking care of themselves. As for me, I’m going to miss home especially because of the delicious food my mom cooks and the company of my family. But although I will miss the comforts of home, I don’t wish to stay there. For a long time I have been waiting to break out of my shell and begin exploring the world. College is a bit scary at first but that’s only because it is still the unknown. I am eager to finally learn about my interests, to earn my own money, to put my knowledge to use, to finally begin my own life.
I want to keep a handful of friends that I’ve made over these last 4 years. I think I subconsciously create list of people that I know for sure I want to keep in taps with and a list of people I don’t really care what happens but wouldn’t mind hanging out with. I would keep some friendships and memories.
There's a part of me that hates to rely on others while doing any work and I really want to get rid of it. I need to learn to trust people more often. When you’ve earned my trust, it’s like me saying I am willing to let you decide if I should live or not if I’m ever in a coma. There are only a handful of people that I really trust. I have trust issues. I would also like to be more organized (I don’t really know if this is the word for it). I’m the type of person that would write out a plan, follow the first few steps, mess up, and wing it from there instead of trying to patch up the plan. Sometimes it’s a good thing but most of the time its bad. I need to find a way to follow a plan and keep at it no matter what.
I’m pretty easy going about letting people into my life to a certain degree. After that the trust issue thing kicks in.
Me and my family do not have a strong bond; my early childhood consist of my parents yelling and fighting with each other and from adolescent to teen it's noting more than a blur. I’ve pretty much been taking care of myself these last couple of years. I’m really looking forward to the day I can leave the house. I can't really call the place that I’m currently living at "home" because it just doesn’t have that feel to me; it feels more like a prison. It’s in the middle of nowhere on top of a mountain and the nearest store is a 20 minute walk away (When Calvin Chan tried to find it on his GPS, it couldn’t find it). I would not yearn for home because I have yet to find one. I live through most of my childhood moving from place to place so I’ve never really been attached to a single location. The lack of attachment prevents me from feeling nostalgic about a place I’ve ever lived at. I can say with certainty that I will leave my house and never look back.
I don not think you will remember me just because you have so many students per year. If you can faintly remember one thing I did in class I would be satisfied; I’m pretty bad with names so I don’t expect teachers to remember my name after not seeing me for more than 2 years. I know I won’t miss arcadia that much so I won’t be expecting to visit the high school until maybe around the year 2013(there’s a reason for it being 2013).
I will defiantly be visiting you in 3 years; especially you keep on teaching freshmen English. After a small talk I’ll be asking 2 questions.
Feraco, having you as a teacher is an unforgettable experience. I’ve forever associated your name to [edited - MFE]. I actually saved every powerpoint you uploaded and put them in a USB because I think I would enjoy reading it again one day. It’s because of your class that I get headaches everyday and have to take a short nap to unload when I get home. It’s been annoying, a bit painful, but a fun and profound experience. Thank you
*ok i swear i already submitted this earlier but i cant seem to find it anymore sooooo sorry if i doublepost
Hmmm...I'll say thanks, and hope the PowerPoints hold up over the years! Let me know if you think of anything I should add to them...
At this point, I still do not know for sure what I would like myself to become. I love the person I am right now, but I know there are still many things I need to improve with myself. I always say that I am pretty mature right now, however I still have a long way to go. I would definitely want myself to be a good person with good morals. I want to be able to open up more to the people around me and not seem so distant. So many people I have met, who are my friends now, tells me that I seemed unapproachable to them at first. I do not want that to be how I am like to the world.
Every good qualities that I know I have, and my friends and family tells me I have, I would like to keep. I do not want to lose anything that makes me who I really am on the inside. I would like to change everything for the better, hopefully. I want to get rid of all the childishness inside of me. I mean being childish sometimes is a good way to relax, but I need to be more on top of things than what I am doing this past semester. I feel like I am caring less because school is almost out, and most of my classes stopped giving out work. So I really would like to have more motivation to myself.
I think I am really eager to meet new people, at the same time I am afraid that they would not meet my expectations or I will not be able to fit in. I am really eager because I think this city is such a little bubble, and everyone is basically the same. There are so little personality in and around this city that I feel like I am trapped. However, I am afraid that what I look for in people outside of this place will not be what I think. I will not necessarily push people away, but I will be hesitant. And I hope with my maturing, everything will be easier to get used to.
I think I will be both yearning for home and seeking a more independent life for myself. My parents have been pretty chill with me going out, but still I know they still are babying me because I am the youngest one in the family. I enjoy the home life and I am interested in the life I can make for myself. But I think home will always be the best place to be for me.
I am sure that you will still be able to recognize me, well at least from my outward appearance. I have not really changed at all, appearance-wise, since middle school, and I am very comfortable with how it is right now. So I think I will probably look and appear the same way if I do visit. However, I am not sure about my personality. I would hope that you will be able to see how I have grown after going to college, because to my knowledge, most people grow out of the way they act in high school after attending college.
+ Who is the person you want to create? What will they be like?
The person I want to create will be a strong individual. He will be considerate of others and aware of himself and the world around him. Additionally, he will be knowledgeable in several areas of study and be prepared for life. The Gabriel of the future will know the ins and outs of the stock market, and how to be responsible with his money. He will either be prepared for or involved in a relationship with an equally caring young woman. Finally, he will headed toward or be involved in a successful business as a veterinarian (if that is what I end up deciding to pursue).
+ What will you keep?
I want to keep in touch with my closest friends, especially Charlie, Patrick, and Christos (there are too many to name here so I’ll just say “we’ll see”). I want to keep my outgoing attitude and friendly, easy-to-talk-to personality. Furthermore, I want to retain my interest in new things since that is what gets me involved in interesting activities most of the time. My helpful personality is something that should be kept, and could be improved upon.
+ What will you discard?
There are several things about myself that I would be better off without. I am more observant than people give me credit for. Often times, I jump to conclusions about people wrongly, which is a rude thing to do. Also, I can be rather sarcastic at times and can be offensive very easily. Additionally, I tend to procrastinate on projects and homework. This has to stop; college will not be as forgiving as high school was. Lastly, I get down on myself sometimes. If I gave something my best shot, I did my best; I can’t do any better than that.
+ Are you going to be eager to let new people into your life, or will you reflexively push them away?
I consider myself an outgoing person. That is, I love meeting new people. One person I’m glad I met this year was Tommy Machida. He’s nice, outgoing, respectful, and an altogether reliable friend. Hopefully, I’ll meet more people like him in college. I will push away negative influences, such as the people that plan to party their way through or out of college. Altogether, I will attempt to meet as many new people as possible and try to surround myself by people that will head me in the right direction.
+ Are you going to yearn for home, or eagerly seek out a new life for yourself?
I will miss home, mainly my family and friends here in the LA area, but I don’t want to come back here after I’m done with school. There’s plenty of other places out there in the world, and I want to go explore many of them before I decide that this one place is my favorite.
+ And will I recognize you when you visit?
Hopefully. Maybe my nose will get smaller and I’ll get more muscular since Davis had a huge Rec Center. Maybe I’ll just gain weight. I suppose we’ll see.
Gabriel, I really like this ! Your post made me laugh, but it is still very realistic and everything.
Charlie, Patrick, Christos - three good choices. If you can make a dozen friends who live up to their example, you've done well.
As for Tommy, you'll meet people who will remind you of him, especially since you'll be up in Northern California...but there's only one of him, so you had best enjoy your last few classes with him!
A muscular Gabe... My mind just exploded.
But I get where you are coming from. I want to go off and do my own thing at college to, but at the same time I want to maintain my relationships with my closest friends, my "Best Buds". And yeah, coming back to Arcadia is pretty close to the bottom of my list of things to do when I graduate. I've lived here 10 years, I've put up with the lack of a single fun thing to do here, I've done my time. Get me the hell out.
Whoa whoa whoa, muscular?? PLEASE.......just kidding. We shall see won't we. But I'm pretty sure you don't need to take steroids and plastic surgery to be a vet
Anyways, I liked your thoughts and you seem like you know what you want and don't want in the future, which is good. I know that even though you will change, you will still be Gabe. So i look forward to knowing the "future, more muscular, smaller nosed, Gabe."
If I were given the opportunity to discard anything about me, I would choose to take away the shyness and lack of motivation in me. I have a lot of things that I want to discard but those are the two that will have the greatest impact on who I am or the person I will become. The lack of motivation has gotten me nowhere and has done some negative impact on my ability to strive for something better. It makes me want to get something for nothing which is not possible. Those two characteristics have done nothing but harmed me.
The person I want to create is someone who is almost the complete opposite of what I am. It would be a person who is not shy and is very open about things. A person who is full of confidence but not to the point that they are overconfident because they could get into a lot of trouble or ruin their lives. They will not have a lack of motivation and will do everything they are supposed to by the time their tasks are supposed to be complete.
I think I will yearn for home because it gives me a sense of security and in the end; it is the place I grew up in. I do think that I should be seeking a new life but I should also be close to home so I could go back anytime if my plans do not work out. In terms of a new life, I am just searching for something that fits me best and something that I would be happy with.
I am eager to let new people into my life but I will have to choose whether they are worthy of being someone in my life. There will be some that I will be pushing away and of course some that I will be staying with. If they are someone who might have to potential to correct me when I am wrong and help me change then I believe that it would be someone to stay with. Someone who would do nothing to change me but make me worse would be someone I would want to try to stay away from.
Alvin, I am sure everyone gets shy and lacks motivation. But I think we all grow out of it and hopefully after high school it will be easier to do so.
All my life I have been near my family, cousins, aunts, uncles included. In my lifetime so far, I have moved twice but all within Arcadia.The majority of my family lives within a fifty mile radius to me, except for the few exceptions overseas. Now I am a senior graduating in twenty-two days, going on to become a freshman in a college more than three hours away (without traffic). I believe in college the two things I will yearn for most are family and independence. As a freshman entering college I will still not be eighteen, therefore by law I will still not be considered an adult and will have to rely on my parents. At the same time, because this is my first time going away from my family for such a long period of time, I will miss them more than anything. With all that said, I am also eager to seek a new life. All my life, family has never been more than a mile distance away, I go to school with two other cousins and a sister, and that will all change in college. In college I will be far away from them, and my friends whom I've acquired since I was little. In college even without trying I will be put into a new life, with a totally different background, lifestyle, and community, because of this I know things will surely change. But I hope they do, because as much as I will miss how life is now, I also hope to have change, and begin making the life I have been seeking to live.
Leaving Arcadia High School there are many things I would like to keep close to me. The most important of those are my friends. They are the ones who have helped me through my four years of high school, some even middle, or elementary school. The next would be the good times I have experienced in high school, from the first new person I met, to the last person I say goodbye too. Among my high school career, I would not like to discard any of it, whether it be a failure, or a embarrassing moment. Regarding my misses in high school, I hope to keep them but at the back of my head, so that I will always be reminded, which will lead me to work harder to prevent something similar from occurring. As for the embarrassing moments, as much of a thing it is to forget, friends will still remember, so I too hope to remember, so that later in life we can all look back laugh, and find happiness in something that brought so much redness to my face once upon a time.
Going to college, especially such a far one, I will be significantly farther than most of my friends, which will mean I will be missing many hangouts. I believe at first I will feel lonely and shy, but eventually I will open up to my new surroundings. By nature I am shy and quiet, meeting new people is more of a mental battle of self-consciousness, but I still want to meet new people. I for sure will miss my friends from high school, but at the same time I am eager to meet new people. In college I hope to find people who are similar to me, but at the same time people who are drastically different. I want to meet people who I can make new memories with, become life long friends with, or even end up working with.
In the future, I hope to improve the me that I already am. To re-make myself sounds impossible, because I will always have parts of myself that will never change. I want to become a successful person in the future. Someone who can provide for my family, and create the comfortable life that I have now. I want to be someone who is confident in everything they do and be a role model to others. In addition, I want to be able to afford the lifestyle I seek. Also as a graphic designer, I want to create designs that make change for the better and improve the living standards that we live with now. Lastly I want to be able to give back to the world what it has given me and as much extra that I can.
I think that it will be hard for me to be away from my family as well. They are the most important thing to me but I think that we will learn to adjust. I love how you have an optimistic view on everything. Even mistakes and embarrassing moments are turned into life lessons or simple moments of joy.
My heart stirs nervously for the future. Half excited and half worried, I enter into the domain of the unknown. Blindfolded and with my hands tied behind my back, I am helpless. This monstrosity stretches infinitely out before me and I have no way of knowing how enormously huge it really is.
I will walk around it anyways.
When I think about the person I want to create I think about the person I don’t want to become. When I think about the person I want to create I ask myself why I’d want to create another persona. When I think about the person I want to create I throw out the clay and start working on smoothing out a piece that has already been molded.
The piece, though unrefined and cracked, looks like it has some bumps that don’t need to be smoothed out.
I will keep my memories. I will keep my fears. I will keep my no-neck giraffe stuffed animal. I will keep my pink little blanket. I will keep that necklace I got for my birthday. I will keep the photos. I will keep those letters. I will keep my expired annual pass for Disneyland. I will keep those broken pair of shoes. I will keep those bags under my eyes. I will keep the books. I will keep the funny little pin.
I will keep on keeping and hope I can keep myself, but what must I throw away?
It looks like I now have to say goodbye to Arcadia. I’ll be losing touch with some friends. My old works are no longer necessary, and my clothes are getting worn out. My hoarding days are over. I can’t take everything with me.
I can’t take everyone with me.
I was born and raised in Arcadia. The home I live in now is the home I have always lived in. Every school, even preschool, that I have attended has been in Arcadia. I am reluctant to let it all go.
I don’t want to throw it all away, so for now please just let me hide it in the basement of my heart.
It will be dark. It will be cold. There may be some rats, but I’ll come clean it out. I promise. STAY INTACT! SURVIVE!
I will have to remodel that basement soon anyways. Looks like some long term guests will be moving in.
I do not plan on coming back empty handed. I will splurge on all the little souvenirs. The gift shops, I heard, hold some very useful things. There are racks upon racks of fun little doodads, trinkets of knowledge, and collegiate knick-knacks.
Of course I may also find that sweater I have been looking for. I’m talking about the one that fits just right, and makes me feel at place. It has FUTURE printed right on the front of it. It may sound a bit unflattering now, but I heard that everybody is looking for one these days.
I will be meeting quite a few new people.
It is hard to say whether or not I will let strangers into my life very easily. I have been conditioned to avoid the unknown, and stick to what I am comfortable with. How can I do that when all that I am comfortable with is 6 hours away?
They say rules are meant to be broken. I guess I can give it a shot.
Yeah! I’ll give it a shot!
To heck with being comfortable! I am going to meet some new people! I will adjust!
Then again some are a bit strange, but there is no need to be rude right off the bat.
My mommy taught me better than that.
Mommy taught me a lot of things. I am sure going to miss her.
Then again, I am sure going to be a lot happier without her constantly breathing fire down my back.
Finally I will have freedom. No more going to bed furious or waking up angry. I can let my nails grow out. I don’t need to claw at myself to keep from doing something unreasonable anymore. No more watching her tap out the syllables to everything she says.
No more waking up and finding her still working hard at night. No more finding that she left early in the morning to buy the breakfast I have been craving for. No more laughing at all the lame jokes she tells. No more rides to school while listening and singing to some oldies on the radio.
I am caught in the middle of a love hate relationship.
I love my mom, but I hate how she nags. I love Arcadia, but I hate how there is nothing to do. I love all the people here and I hate how I have to leave everyone. I love adventure and I know I will be finding it soon.
For more than a year now, I have kept my glasses on almost all the time. Even at home I very rarely take them off. To those who knew me beforehand, I look the same with or without my glasses. To those I have met recently, I am forever an eyeglass character in their minds.
Some people are surprised when I take my glasses off. It’s funny because I never used to get those second glances from people.
Yes. Yes it is me. Can’t you see?
In another year I might be receiving those double takes again.
Will anyone recognize me? Will they walk past me thinking I was just another stranger?
I would like to think that I will be remembered. I want to be recognized.
I won’t be visiting very often, so by the time anyone ever really gets to see me again I will most definitely look different. Hopefully, I have left a strong enough impression on everyone’s lives, and will be remembered regardless of how I look.
We can always paint pictures with words. Let’s have a conversation sometime then.
Don’t forget to bring the brushes.
I fixed my glasses and took another look. The puzzle box lied. There are some missing pieces.
It will be a while before I can put together the “big picture” those advertisers were going on and on about.
For now, here I am, picking up pieces.
Wow, what I beautiful piece. It was like you were painting a clear and vivid picture with words. The elegance and simplicity of your post really startled me. I also enjoy the fact that you five bazillion lines for your post. The length of the post is what got me to read your blog in the first place, and I am glad I did.
Well thank you for taking time to read my post. I figured, since I don't really like reading long paragraphs, that I could chop up my piece a bit. This one turned out a bit longer than I thought it would.
" I can’t take everyone with me. "
True, we cannot take everything and everyone with us. Sadly, we must give up something in order to obtain the other things.
Stacy: You're piece is extremely creative. I feel like I am reading a storybook, with descriptive phrases that paints pictures in my head. Many of the things you wish are also things I would keep, but somethings such as my fears, I won't. As I head off to college, I will attempt to overcome my fears in hopes to take a larger step forward in life. I also love your optimism and how energetic you are. It makes me want to rally up with you.
I think your blog is overall amazing. I especially like the way you used the title as an ending for your blog and this particular sentence. "We can always paint pictures with words. Let’s have a conversation sometime then."
I guess it would be boring if we were to keep living our same lives for ever and ever. I'm glad to here you are making thhe change to meet new people and just do things that are just unconfortable to do. As usually I praise your usage of metaphors in your blog post. I really liked your example of the puzzle pieces. I hope you find the pieces that complete your puzzle in the future!
It's a beautiful piece Stacey, I can't even begin to imagine how touched Mr. Feraco's gonna be : ). I never realized this before, but glasses have become a part of our identities already. The thought never occurred to me because I always look at myself in the mirror without my glasses on. But hey, at least on the brighter side, we got more up our sleeves.
I really liked that part when you talked about not being able to keep things. “I will keep on keeping and hope I can keep myself, but what must I throw away?”. This is a really poetic sounding post, especially the end. The format is interesting too. What do you think people will recognize about you in a few years? Or at least what do you want them to.
Stacey, you always manage to engage me with your posts. Your writing style is so unique, and I hope it does change in the future: it would only add to your uniqueness. However, I fear the day I’ll have to keep my kids on track. I can barely keep my own life on track!
Don’t worry too much you’ll make it through just fine, if you need someone family is always there and so are friends. Open your mind to new things, this is the time to try new things and progress and possibly change. You are a new face in this world and no one knows you over there so make a name for yourself. Just remember that when people think that you suck at stuff that there is at least one person out there that thinks you’re great.
I want to be someone big.
Whenever I am not in a good mood, I start to feel really small. Looking out at the sky, I think about all the things that the universe holds. While I am a part of this universe, I am so small. Like one of the postulates in the Kinetic Molecular Theory, my volume is so small, it’s negligible.
I used to get really frustrated when I think about things like that because I don’t know how to be someone big. But after four years of high school, I think I have an idea of how to become someone big. While I cannot be big physically, to the point where I make up a percentage of the universe, my actions can be big. My actions cannot be measured, yet they can be large enough to have an impact to someone, this country, the world, and maybe even the universe.
I guess the question now is how exactly will I be someone big.
For seventeen years of my life, I have been collecting pieces to a jigsaw puzzle. Every memory and experience became a building block to something greater. I have an idea of what I want the final puzzle to look like, but it could change. Even though I have collected many pieces already, there are still more pieces left to collect. I am excited to go find some of these pieces as I graduate, become an adult, and go to college.
Hopefully, you will still recognize me when I come back to visit. I do not want to lose some of my main values and principles in my pursuit of becoming someone big. The only thing that I really want to change about myself is to find more courage to help those in need. Instead of hiding because I am afraid of failing and disappointing others, I want to step up and make the world a better place.
While I was writing this, I realized that am a bit like Mustapha Mond from Brave New World. I would mind trading away my happiness to ensure the happiness of those around me. Knowing that my family and friends are happy makes me happy as well. I am willing to do almost anything to make someone smile or laugh. To me, it is better to give than to receive. Hence I try to live by this quote from Edmund Burke, “all that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing”. If there is something that I can do to make the world a better place for someone, then I am willing to do it.
“I want to be someone big.”
I like how you said that and you meant actions bigger and not physically bigger. Each human being is obviously a super small part of the universe but when you add up all the human beings (total population), we are a bigger part of the universe. Sometimes it is not all about whether you have the courage to help others or not. It is about whether or not you have the ability to help. If everyone in this world have the heart to help others too, this world would be different and it will certainly make this world a better place.
Sometimes I feel small too. I feel like my life is useless and meaningless to the point that I’m incapable of change for the better. I’m really tired of that feeling. I want to feel better and I want to do better—I want to be someone big too. And I agree with you that high school really did open my eyes to many possibilities and opportunities for me to take on big responsibilities.
I don’t really know why I want to be someone big. May be I want to feel better about myself. Or may be I want to see if my existence can help the world in any way. I just want my actions to be beneficial to others. There’s just something magical about helping those in need, and by being someone big, I can experience it.
Honestly, it isn’t hard. Your actions don’t have to be big for you to be a big person. You just need a big heart. I have no doubts about you accomplishing this goal. By wanting to be someone big, you’re already one step closer to making the world a better place. Best of luck!
I, too, want to be some one that is "big". I've always wanted to be the most powerful man in the world. Whenever I feel "small", I'll dig up my old tests that I got As on, and remember my glorious moments to regain confidence. I actually hope that Mr.Feraco will not recognize me though because if I still look the same after going to college, that means that I have no personal growth and that is bad news.
I know what you mean. Part of me doesn't want Mr. Feraco to recognize me because it would mean that I haven't changed. But ultimately, I think I want people to recognize me as well as the positive changes that I would have made.
The thought of leaving high school fills me with thrills and excitement. To know I will soon be able to leave this all behind to start anew, to create a new me, to be the person I always wanted to be without the negative repercussions pulling me down, most of all, to change the monotonous environment I am surrounded by everyday, I cannot wait to graduate and to never have to see the people I see daily in the crowded hallways ever again. One might think I must hold some sort of hatred towards this school and the people that attend here. And I suppose in a way I do, but not for the reasons one might assume. Simply, I yearn for change. Born and raised in Arcadia, I have been educated in this school district my entire life. Imagine having to associate with the same people for 18 years of one’s existence. Wouldn’t you tire of it too?
I feel I have learned all I can possibly learn from the peers around me and that it is the right time in my life to move on, to leave my comfort zone in pursuit of new experiences and attaining valuable knowledge. When I finally depart from this stage in my life, I will not come back whether to visit or to simply reminisce. There is nothing or anyone worthy of remembrance. In the past four years of my life, I have never made a deep, meaningful connection with any one of the teachers or peers at the school. Of all the people I am surrounded by daily, I was not able to secure a strong bond with any. In a way, it almost seems melancholy, to know these past years have not been rightly appreciated; they have not been lived, experienced to the fullest. Yet, at the same time it is not of grave importance because I have always been one person, alone, with the idea in mind one day we will all part from one another and go our separate ways. Though, when that day finally comes, I will be reborn. I will reshape and transform so drastically no one will recognize me; who I am now will become a microscopic shadow of my future self, insignificant to the point of invisibility.
My future self will be successful, intelligent, kind in all aspects. I will be goal-oriented, determined, and motivated. I will be modest, poised, and refined. I will be optimistic, trustworthy, and wise. Above all else, I will be happy and I will stun the world with my godliness. It sounds funny, I know, but I believe I can do anything I set my mind to.
And although I will be attending PCC in the fall, it does not bother me because I think of it differently. It is not “pathetic” and “for losers” as my father would say, but a second opportunity to reform, to reorganize my personality, habits, and lifestyle. I wish to leave all high school immaturities behind, to never see those who recognize me again and by attending PCC, I am aware it will not be as easy to start anew, but I can choose to ignore all and focus on my studies until I can transfer to a dream university. Even with familiar faces, community college will still be a new destination, a change of location of where I am positive I will meet many kindred souls.
Walking on the campus to take my placement test, I look around and I can already imagine myself detesting the college when classes begin, when I will be required to come often. I am beginning to think I am simply someone who tires of repetitive, old places, someone who cannot stand schedules and order. I yearn for freedom and spontaneity but it is definitely something I will gain more of as I leave the wretched place that is called high school. I will find peace within myself; and out of all the possible things to keep, I hope it will be my naivety, ignorance. After all, “ignorance is bliss”. And isn’t that, essentially happiness, humanity’s main goal?
i like your optimistic view upon PCC, but you really can expect to not see anyone who can recognize you, for many people would attend there. I'm pretty sure that you see this as a second chance, and that is a good thing! Hope you transfer to somewhere better after a couple of years!
A dim lit past. A bright future. Memories fade. And people will still be people. You sure know how to make one feel pessimistically positive about life. I do not doubt that you will achieve success. In fact, I expect to see you on the news someday. Even then, will that still be enough? You don't seem to want to think out of the box. To you, the box was never there. But there's still more out there somehow. Even outside the box, there is another box. Your story seems a little like Siddhartha. Hoping for the truth to reveal itself? Then again your story isn't that similar either. How can you be ignorant and naive and still have the truth? The truth is reality. Reality is sad and to be sad is to be human so shouldn't sadness be humanity's true goal? Don't look down on this part of your life. Be ignorant to ignorance, but be happy as well. Live life knowing reality but still choose the way you want to go. Knowing that you lived as you did now will determine who you are in the future because if you chose to forget about high school and start anew, who's to say you won't end up in the exact same place you are in now? Not who you want to be and not how you want to live, I assume. You could ignore your past, but do not deny that it will make you who you will ultimately be. You are who you TRY to be after all and there's always a starting point to when you try.
This will not be the first time I shed my snakeskin and grow as a person, nor will it be the last. I would love to say I will always be myself, but what does that mean if I change over time? People aren’t static, everything we do is dynamic in its nature. Freshman year seems a haze to me, though it could have been all the painkillers the hospital gave me. Either way, I know I am not the same person I was four years ago when I graduated middle school, and I highly doubt I will be the same person four years from now when I graduate from college.
A little piece of me grows old
I keep on walking down this road
I've seen a million people change
but I will stay the same
And I know you, (Know you, know you)
always steal and borrow
And I know you, (Know you, know you)
Never catch, you're never gonna catch tomorrow
>>>Can’t Catch Tomorrow (Good Shoes Won’t Save You This Time) ~Lostprophets
If I lived in the world Lostprophets describe in Can’t Catch Tomorrow, I would love to be the one that stays the same, but in reality I would be just another person who changes over the road that is life. If I try to change myself or keep myself the same when I’m not supposed to, if I try to change who I am, then I will never “catch [the] tomorrow” I should be living. If I could see the reflection of my future self, I doubt I would recognize myself. Physically I would probably look the same, since my appearance hasn’t changed much since my childhood, but my mentality will be different. Like Feraco says people can change “a great deal” in a short amount of time. If in 10 or 20 years I revisit all my friends from high school, I wonder how many would still remember me…then I remember when I made a Facebook account last summer and added people I had not talked to since 5th or 6th grade middle school. Keeping in mind that I had moved to Arcadia, I did not expect many to remember me after 5 or 6 years, yet virtually everyone remembered me and immediate added me. Would this hold true to the people I meet in high school? I honestly don’t know, but I hope so.
Though I have made several really close friends during my time at Arcadia High, I for one will not really miss Arcadia, because after all moving away will probably lengthen my life (due to a lack of really really really bad Arcadian drivers >=( actually bad isn’t a very good adjective, but it’s more appropriate that what I would actually say). I consider myself a star peg in a round hole (sorry I don’t like squares). Although I appear to be so different from others, I’m much the same, much like rotating a star will make a circle.
The person I will become will be stronger than me, yet remain compassionate and understanding of other’s problems. Currently I am always helping my friends to cope with their family problems, yet deal with my own with the help of no one. I hope to acquire the strength to reach out to others so they can help me in return. I also hope to acquire the ability to differentiate between friends and real friends. I want to pick up the beautiful pieces of my current life as well as some new pieces that will make me who I am in the future and assemble the pieces, much like a jigsaw puzzle. The puzzle when completed will never be completed by the time I die, so it will look like a Picasso masterpiece, but it is my masterpiece, it will be who I have been and who I am.
I love your blog post, especially the third paragraph. It was both entertaining and informative. I have to say that I'm kind of like you. I'll be happy to leave Arcadia, but for different reasons...
I don't know if I will miss Arcadia after I leave; for sure, I'll miss the teachers but as for the teacher and even the school itself...well, I kind of spend a lot of my time here wishing I could go back to Taiwan, but I can't deny the time I spent here has made me who I am today.
In ten or twenty years, I'll still remember you as the girl who sat behind me in calculus and fed me brain food, ie Apple Jacks. Hopefully, I'll still be able to spell your last name correctly too.
The person that I want to create of course, is someone that I can look back and honestly say that I am proud of. I do not necessarily need to become a rich, successful somebody that everyone will know. I just need to be happy and doing everything that I am supposed to do. I do not want to become a somebody through shortcuts, but rather just a someone that got far through hard work and effort.
I will keep the morals that I have always held for myself. They are the things that will help me grow and learn and to make the right decisions for myself. Without them, I would not be me.
The things that I will discard from my life are things that are not necessary. Such as negative energy from others. If things can be patched up and can be easily forgiven then I will do so. I want to go through life happy with little to no complication.
There are many things that I will acquire throughout my life. Hopefully, I will gain wisdom and knowledge. As I gain these aspects, they will allow me to mature into a better and more composed person.
Letting new people into my life will allow me to gain knowledge. I will of course, openly allow people into my life. In this "journey we call life", it is great to have company. Doing it alone is fine, but doing it with others makes the experience all the more enjoyable.
As I grow, I will want to seek a new life. Home will always be there, but the life I plan to build will not be if I do not go after it. When given the opportunity to do something that will be beneficial for myself, I should take it.
I will definitely be able to be recognized by you. Though I will change and possibly mature if I do things right, I am still me. No matter how extreme the change is, beneath all of the "difference" it is still genuinely me. There will always be a part of the old me in the new me.
To be honest with myself, after all these years of being an outsider, I am afraid of new people. There is this ambivalence inside me that although I want to make friends and know more people, I secretly hope that people won’t talk to me and leave me alone. I am used to being all by myself, and in occasions that I have to speak with a stranger, I am often very nervous. But after I think I know him or her, I will welcome the person into my world. I am usually reluctant to talk to strangers, and I will be more relaxed if he or she takes the initial action and approach me. I remember my first day at Arcadia high when I knew no one in the school. I was terribly scared and was trembling from head to feet with heavy drops of sweat crawling down my arms. As I almost reached the brink of collapsing, a person walked up and asked me: Do you need help on anything? This friendly approach started my friendship with that person, and we eventually became very good friends. As you can see, I am reluctant to let new people into my life, but if the person takes the first step, I’m often willing to open myself up.
It will be impossible for you, Mr.Feraco, to recognize me if I ever come back to visit you. I have serious plans on going on a diet after graduation, and I am determined to become a healthier and more muscular person. My physical appearance will definitely change after intense training, and there is no way that you can recognize me at first glance. In addition, I will definitely look different after I become a college student due to academic and family pressures. I’m planning to graduate from college and go to graduate school in two or three years to save money, and I will be taking classes every summer in college. I learned from a lecture by Doctor Sutro that pressure can drastically change one’s appearance. President Lincoln, for example, looks twenty years older after his first term. I believe that college will to do the same effects to my appearance. If you can recognize me by first glance when I come back to visit you, Mr.Feraco, it’s either you are the Sherlock Holmes of the 21st century or there is something seriously wrong about my life.
I think we have some similarities because I think it is better for people to take the initiative to approach me. I have known you since middle school and I thought you were a very open person.
i might have mistaken you for another michael h. ignore the second sentence if you are not the one
I think there is some serious misunderstanding here...no, I'm just kidding. I'm Michael Hsu, not Michael Huang.
Michael! I felt like I HAVE TO give you this feedback! I'm planning to lose weight too! I actually have said that a trillion times to most people I know. Dude, you just inspired me when you said "diet" & "intense training"!!!!!! I'll also go to the gym and force myself to forget about eating! >
Return and visit, the old, familiar campus has been changed in some ways. Not only because of the appearance of the campus, but only because the graduated students are no longer a part of the campus, a part of a high school life. Similarly feeling had caught me when I returned to my elementary school. I visited my old teachers, surprisingly, my teachers changed. The unfamiliarity with my elementary school campus had hung to me since I stepped into the campus. As I walk around the campus, step by step, I found that the look of the campus had changed, many old teachers had retired and had been replaced by the new teachers. The fifth graders seemed to small, the desks and chairs, which were once large to me, were so tiny now. At that moment, I realized, “I do not belong to this place anymore,” “I’ve grown; I’m no longer the little kid!”
More friends, more fun. I will be eager to let new people enter my life. Friend is an important part of my life. I enjoy the time of being with my friends. As you build up a series of connections with different people, you can receive different information, different views of an issue or case and the aid from them. Different people have different aspect of life. Leaving the high school campus and stepping into the college indicate a significant turning point in one’s life. The larger campus, large classes, and dorms, those are so different from the high school. And the friends are no longer stay in a same net work. Friends in high school departed and head toward their own college, their own goal, and their new future. I will be eager to make acquaintance to new people since it is the start of the next new level of my life.
“Will you miss home or start to explore your new life?” Immediately, without thinking, I would reply, “Explore!” I tell myself firmly that I will not miss home, the place that I want to leave during this moment, the moment I want to live independently. However, I hesitated and doubted my answer after thinking more deeply. I will be caught somewhere in between the two. I will be eager to explore, but at the same time, I will miss home a lot. I will miss home, but it will not hold me back to explore my new life. I will explore my new life, but I will never forget about the warm harbor, where I can rest when I am tired. On the other hand, the home will be my inspiration to explore my new world without fear.
Will Mr. Feraco or my other people recognize me when I visit? In the first year, they will still remember me and recognize me. Second year, they may still remember me, but they will not be able to recognize me. A person can change a lot in two years, especially in college. Students become more independent, more mature, and more ready for the society. Different from the high school students, many college students have more understanding of their own identity and their goal. The earth is rotating, the world is changing. People, the creature live on this unstoppable world, keep changing as time passes.
The person I am and the person people will remember are not the same. I am an outgoing, fun-loving, some would say crazy individual and that’s what people will remember me as. But the fact is, those aspects are only the tip of the ice burg, the other 75% of me lies beneath where only my close friends and family can see. For some reason I give the impression of a seemingly shallow person. People believe me to be a stupid, lazy, obnoxious, fun loving party animal who has no depth. Through out my entire life people have said to me, “Wow, you’re actually smart.” While I suppose that it is meant to be a compliment, I can’t help but to be annoyed.
However I have come to realize that it is my fault. If I wanted people to know the real me, I should have presented myself to them. This brings me to what I would like to discard. Upon my last farewell to my childhood, I plan to abandon the childish way I present myself to my peers. My fun loving mentality will always be around, but no longer will I let it define who I am. I plan to show people who I really am from the moment I meet them.
I suppose I will not acquire anything new, but surface everything left unknown to my current peer group. I want to meet as many people as I can through out my life therefore I plan on making many new friends next year. Although I am regretful that life as I know it is ending, and that it will soon be time to invoke all my influences and become the person I really want to be, I am eager for the future and what it holds for me.
If I could have done it differently would I have? No, I believe I made the best out of my childhood and simultaneously grew from it. I am happy with the person I am, and the life that I have led thus far. Will I change dramatically over the next few years? Probably, but I am certain that I will be recognizable.
For eighteen years I have been molded by the world. My parents, teachers, and peers have all contributed to my continued development. The realization that I have progressed to the age where I can finally and legally make the decisions for myself. It seems strange to want to create a person since I lack the knowledge and experience necessary. Instead, it is simpler to alter myself in preparation for the future and be prepared for the challenges that lay ahead.
When I look at myself and look at what I have accomplished I feel that there is so much more that I could have done. Many lost opportunities that have escaped my grasp and continue and will elude me forever. However, I know for certain that I do not want to create a new individual since the process is long and arduous. I may not end up as the same individual as I was before and from my current perspective I may see the “new” me as a hollow individual. This person that I would want to create would not have to face a majority of the problems that I encounter, because of social eloquence or sheer brilliance. In addition, he would be ignorant and unaware of the problems around. As I have learned some time ago, ignorance is bliss. The problem is that if I am ignorant how will I be prepared for what “fate” may throw at me? How would I be able to overcome the obstacles and achieve my dreams and aspirations if I was to be ignorant. Quite simply, its unrealistic and naive to believe that everything is fair. However, it allows me to progress from day to day with the belief that I will be rewarded for my actions in some way or another. I am unwilling to give up the knowledge that I have gathered. I believe that is what makes me, “me”. I desire to discard some of it, yet I cannot imagine my life without it. These experiences have shaped me into the person I am today and without them I can say that I am more incomplete than I perceive myself to be.
In the future I hope to accumulate more experience and knowledge (what else is education for?) as well as an occupation that grants both freedom and security. I think it is always better to meet new people who may offer different opinions and beliefs. I may not be entirely thrilled to let new people into my life, but I will make an effort to incorporate others. Even though I may enjoy solitude I understand that the company of others is important to success. I will seek out a life for myself since I see my life as a journey and an adventure.
I don't believe that I will change much after I go to a university or that whats I think. Through the course of my high school career I have not changed much. My appearance has not undergone any major changes nor have my beliefs. In the end, I hope that I am at least remembered by Mr. Feraco if not recognized. I may be older, but not necessarily wiser and only time will tell how I will turn out.
Change is something quite unusual. It causes people to grow up both physically and mentally, but it’s also something that can be a winning campaign slogan! Change! It’s constantly happening all around us whether or not we are aware of it. Change is everything, but change can also be nothing. Life is constantly changing for everyone no matter what. Time stops for nobody. Additionally, change can be nothing if one never becomes aware of changes around them. Going to college is a big step up from high school, and is also one of those pinnacle moments in life that people will most likely always remember. Change is hard, especially if it’s a change forced upon a person.
My identity has changed over the past couple of years. Unlike you Mr. Feraco, I stopped wearing glasses starting Junior Year of High School. I absolutely dreaded glasses, because they were amazingly uncomfortable to wear to school. By junior year, I got contacts and saw a whole new world. Since I had been wearing glasses for the majority of my life, wearing contacts was a huge change for me. To some it may seem like a minor “no biggie” type of deal, but it opened up a whole new world for me. My perspective of the world changed –– literally!
College is probably going to be quite stressful next year, but I refuse to let the stress get to myself too much; that would simply be such a waste of precious time. Transitioning from middle school to high school greatly alters peoples’ mindsets and identities. High school to college is not any different. Attitudes change… personalities… friendships…
Lately, I’ve been wrapped up in finding myself. “Who am I really…?” I constantly ask myself. Who am I to other people? How do other people see me? One thing for sure, different people see me in different ways. Perhaps, I’m nice to someone and a complete jerk to another. I can’t ever be really sure about what others think of me, can I?
Hopefully, I will finally find myself during college. Of course, this will deal with a lot of change as college will most likely “force” everyone to change and adapt to the real world one way or another. The stress factor will most likely shape us rather than break us. I hope to aquire many new things over the course of the next few years including: friendships, knowledge, maturity, and personal growth.
I really enjoy C.S. Lewis’ quotes, because I can always relate them to a lot of blog posts on here. I found this one, and really think it speaks for itself.
“It may be hard for an egg to turn into a bird: it would be a jolly sight harder for it to learn to fly while remaining an egg. We are like eggs at present. And you cannot go on indefinitely being just an ordinary, decent egg. We must be hatched or go bad.”
I loved your comparison of Mr. Feraco's glasses and your lack of them. It's really interesting how something so simple can be such a huge impact on a person.
You're a great person John. I know you'll find yourself in the near future!
You seem like a very confident person, always wanting a challenge. I wish I was as confident, I am scared of making the transition from high school to college, but if I use your philosophy hopefully college won’t be as frightening for me. Your positive mindset will take you long ways and hopefully you have a successful life. You response to the question is very helpful and your writing skills are great.
Three more weeks until the next chapter of our lives begin. Truthfully, the impact of this fact hasn't hit me yet. I know I should be afraid, but I'm actually just really excited. There's so much to hold for the future. Good or bad I feel like I can face it if I stay determined and passionate. I don't want this will to fade away once I enter college.
Certainly it will be difficult to keep this fervor. There are floating rumors that once entering that college, students there become lifeless in the eyes. Part of me is intimidated, but the other half sees it as a challenge to overcome. I'm going to a college to do what I love doing, and even if it will be difficult, even if I know I will probably cry or pass out from exhaustion, I know the love will still be there. I feel like I'm about to live every kid's dream, going to a school where I can do what I enjoy the most.
For giving me a chance at this dream I have to really thank my family. If someone were to ask me if I would become homesick in college my answer would be no. As much as I love Arcadia and it's peaceful serenity, there is just so much to see beyond the gate. However, if someone were to ask me if I would be "family-sick" I would answer yes. I really love my parents, cousins, uncles, aunt, sister, everyone who has been so close with me these past 17 years. Even when I move away, even if I end up on the other side of the world, I WILL come back to see my family. They have given me so much for so little in return, I want to show them my appreciation as often and as much as I can. It will definitely be a part I will miss once I turn to the next page.
When I come visit my family, I will come back to visit AHS. My sister will be going there in a matter of years and it will be a real eye opener to see all the new buildings. I will certainly come visit H10, B5 or wherever this class ends up. It has been a real pleasure being in this class. The experience is one I will never forget; the classroom, the students, and of course the teacher. When I come visit the classrooms, the students, and I would have changed, but one thing I know will not change is Mr. Feraco's care toward his students. Thank you so much for everything.
Thanks in return! My father loves Simon and Garfunkel, and I can't wait to impress him with your Modern Mythology animation.
The first thing I thought of when I read this question was a kid. So I’ll go with that, and I would want a child that was nothing like me. Personally I would want him to succeed in school, sports, and become much more ambitions than his old man. I think parenthood is going to be an extremely scary thing, because I know how I acted out in front of my mom and to know that I have to deal with a monster like that seems like hell. I know this question was probably supposed to be about me, but I don’t really see what is so interesting about what I’m going to become. I hope I can end up being a chef with a major in business so I could combine money stability and my love of food. I would want myself to be successful and able to adapt to any obstacle or challenge that is waiting for me in the future.
Things that I hope to keep in my adventure called life are things like my ability to break the ice, quickly making new friends, and being caring. I love my breaking the ice ability because it leads to quickly making new friends and being caring. Also I would love to keep my laughter to share it with others to brighten both theirs and my day. I would discard my anger because there is no place for that in my future. I would also get rid of my laziness and the fact that when something bores or is just too difficult to me I just completely give up. I said in my Senior Project essay that there is no room to give up because of the hardships I’m about to face and I’m going to live up to that statement. Sadly what I’ve been trying to discard is what I have always wanted to discard and it hasn’t worked out that well so far.
I hope I will gain a great understanding of my field and what I love to do. I think these years are supposed to be used for finding yourself. I heard that almost no one comes out of college doing the thing they planned on, so if I were to go in with no idea of what I want to become where does that leave me? Do I just wander the campus continuously searching for something that will spark my interest or will it come to me? I hope the latter because I don’t want to go out looking for it! Also I hope to acquire new friends that share my interests and goals. I personally don’t think I’ll be pushing them away because I’m a pretty inviting person who loves breaking the ice and meeting new people sounds awesome.
I hope you all would recognize me when I visited because I don’t plan on changing much after High School. I hope I’ll still be the same happy-go-lucky type of kid who laughs out loud at basically anything. Of course there will be those days where I show up not wanting a part of anything that’s going on. Those are days that you probably won’t see since it is just a visit after all. To be honest, I don’t know if I can maintain the same attitude I have now so if I do change and you can’t recognize me in the future I hope that its for the better. I hope its because I’ve become a student you were proud to be in the same room with. Because I know I’m blessed to be in the same room as you guys!
I believe that you have the potential to be a chef with a major in business. I think you're too hard on yourself when you said that you didn't want your kid to be anything like you. You just need to find that inner drive within you and then you'll succeed in life. I'm glad that you see yourself as a friendly person because I can honestly talk to you about almost everything.
Jeez, college… Am I scared? The answer to that is absolutely. But does this make me not want to go? Absolutely not. I’ve wanted to go to college and get out of my house for the last 3 years, and now that it’s actually a reality now I can’t wait. I’m relishing my chance at independence, and my ability to change who I am and the man I will become for much of my life.
Heading in I can say that I really have developed a lot in my characteristics and abilities. As a freshman I was one of the shyest people you will ever meet, but now I’m genuinely outgoing and able to make friends with complete strangers. I’ll never be one of those people who talks to his row partners on the airplane (barring a rarity), but I have definitely grown in that regard. What I want to improve on even more is to get to the point where I have a fair base of confidence in myself. I am always second-guessing myself, convincing on points when I really shouldn’t. More than a few times I’ve given up entirely on situations where in actuality I could have succeeded. So no more. I’m going to try to walk on to the college soccer team even though it is entirely probable I don’t make it. I’m going to tell the girl she’s pretty even though its entirely possible she doesn’t reciprocate. I’ve had all too many times in the last four years where I wonder what could have been if I had just asked or if I had just tried, and I wish I had succeeded in more than few.
I’m eager to make new friends. I have tons of great and fantastic friends here, people I hope I will be able to keep in contact with for years to come, but there is plenty of room for more. My casual friends at Arcadia will go on their own ways, and I will go on mine. I’m entirely confident I can find some quality friends in college, people who I hope I can have longstanding relationships for the rest of my life. While I was in Seattle my grandma had her freshman year roommate up for the ceremony. This woman traveled from the east coast to attend, and they graduated from college over 35 years ago. This type of friendship really inspires me and is really something I want.
Also I want to develop as a person, to grow and adapt. I already spoke about my personality changes, but I also want to develop in newer and more profound ways. I want to discover new music; I want to discover new artists, new authors, and new directors. My expertise in the music and cinema fields is fairly adept, but I can always learn more, see new things, and experience works that I never would have seen and loved had I just stayed with the norm. I want to find what is really me, clothing that fits my personality, a haircut that just screams “ME” when I look at myself in the mirror. This doesn’t mean that as soon as I head off I’ll don the Mohawk and leather jacket in stereotypical teen-angsty fashion, but I am looking for something a little more me. Don’t be surprised if next time you see me I look differently.
Which brings me to my next, last, and shortest point. Will you remember me when I come back? My answer to this is a short and unequivocal “Yes”. Reason? I am the only tall skinny red-head I have ever seen in my life and in many of my friends’ lives. You may not remember my name, what year or semester you had me, or even whether or not I was a decent student, but my phsycial appearance is definitely memorable. I’m one in a million, literally (I looked up the statistics).
Wow, you sure are unique! It seems that many people have trouble talking to others (including myself). Hopefully, you will make longstanding relationships that will endure through the years. Glad you are going to go and try to get on the college team for soccer.
Well that explains why you befriended me. I'm glad that you're opening up. Watch out though, you might catch a disease or worse, a virus, if you open up too much in college. Best of luck to your dreams my soul less redheaded friend.
You know when you want to watch a movie, you hear so many great reviews about it, you go to the theatres with high expectations, but once you finish watching the movie you think, “Really? That was it? Well it wasn’t that great…” By hearing my sisters’ nostalgia about their experiences in high school, that was exactly how I felt. I was excited! I was energetic! I was uncontrollably annoying! By my desperation to fit in and wanting to have just a great of an experience as both my sisters had, I lost sight of the point of high school: interacting with others was the side pot of high school, not the main point. Looking back in senior year I look at the progress I made with each passing year. How I have grown physically, educationally, and socially during each year, and how I have acted.
In a way, I would have to say that I would miss this place after I leave. For one thing, I am going to all the way across the country studying with people I don’t even know. And for once, Asian people may not be the majority there. Sure, I would always have my friends here, along with all the memories of insane adventures. However the part of the every day life that I am glad to discard from this place, is the immature social atmosphere of the school, which is multifaceted depending upon grade. From the Freshman, who are still naïve and clung to their perfect world when nothing could be wrong, to the sophomores who always act as if they have something to prove; the guys try to act tough and gangster (but let’s face it, you’re in Arcadia, not some ghetto where your life is in the balance everyday) and the girls dress a bit too (what’s a polite word……..) risqué and fill each other’s head with gossip. Then there are the juniors that are either strained zombies because of lack of sleep of the overbearing workload or a older version of the sophomores with poorer grades. By experiencing only one of the many faces of life, I am looking forward to the college experience, even if it is freezing!
The world is not as small of a place as you would think when you travel somewhere totally far and live in and environment totally different from your own. Instead of staying in the warm sunny southern California, where there are so many things to do, and everything is spread out into driving distance, I would be living the next four years of my life in snowy, cold , and busy Boston. For the first couple of months, I may seek out a new life, a fresh start, so I can try standing up on my own. But if I know myself right, after a while, I would eventually get homesick and yearn for all the fun I have now with my friends and family. Hopefully, when I have a stable life in college, with a maintained GPA and a paying job, I would be able to take some time off and return to Arcadia to walk the halls of school like how I used to and see my old teachers. I believe that Feraco is completely right about how people chance once they are in college, the way the act, the way they carry themselves, because for one, both my sisters have changed in those very same ways as well. Hopefully within the next 7 months, when I return, Feraco would still recognize me, but even then, my personality might alter!
Once in college, the ideal person I would like to create would be the partial opposite of what I was in high school. Throughout high school, I never really cared about my grades as fervently as other students or my sisters; I was more of a B student instead of an A student. Moreover, there person that I intend to create would have a job, for both security, saving money, and credibility (I want to work my way up the point system). When I first attended Feraco’s class and made my star, it was a real wakeup call because I realized that I knew nothing, and have nothing. In identity, security, love, independence, and knowledge, my start is still more like a disproportionate circle with 5 little stubs. I have no job, living abode that I can call my own, girlfriend, at the moment, nor do I know who I really am. In a way, my path to finding myself, is much like Siddhartha’s road to Nirvana, I have to live, wait, and then see. As for now, I would just have to bare with what I am, because I have not found out who I am.
I really really like how you compared high school to a movie. Something you were looking forward to because it was too hyped up. It feels like we were in too big of a rush to grow up and was not able to enjoy being young and carefree. Also, your reference poker by saying "side pot" is pretty interesting.
Hey I know you can do it, you can become the person you want to become and you know it better than I do.
Even it's freezing!
As I begin to alter my lifestyle and move on to my next phase of my life, I will continually strive to better myself. In every stage of life, every new stage of school, I have always grown and changed as a person. However, college will be a drastically different experience than anything I have ever faced in the past 17 years of my life. All of my friends that I have created over the past decade of my life will move on with their own lives and into different schools and into different environments. Regardless of how I view this change, it is inevitable and it is likely a change for the better. I am no longer living at home depending on my parents for everyday necessities but living by myself, unsupervised. This new stage in life gives us a challenge that will truly identify ourselves for better or for worse. How much we choose to dedicate to studying, playing, sleeping now depends on us to shape our schedule and motivate us further into success or into defeat. There are no longer parents screaming at us at every turn and mistake of our lives. In short, I want to be a more mature person by the end of this year, able to shoulder my own responsibilities and problems without relying on others all the time.
Despite the life that I will have left behind here in Arcadia, my memories and my connections will never cease to exist. I will make new friends, interact with different people, face new fears and temptations. However, through it all, the friends that I have struggled with for the past 4 years will remain in my life. Ultimately, I don’t know how many of my friends will still remain my friends and how many will disappear into the shadows. No matter what, those memories will always be cherished whether it be through social networking or through an old-fashioned yearbook.
Friends aside, I will keep my family and all the connections that I have maintained through hardships and joy. My family will be my gateway into the past and I will never lose the connection that I have with my family, young or old. In a sense, I am keeping the relationship that I have with my family the same while slowly distancing myself away. The thought of having to leave some place so comfortable towards someplace so harsh is an inevitable reality. But no matter the distance, the memories I have and all the experiences and respect I have gathered, created, and gained over the years shall never cease to exist.
Through this shift I will discard everything that no longer holds importance in my lives. My immaturity, my naïve preconceptions of this world, and my constant desire for something unsustainable. It isn’t an easy change, but with such an important catalyst as college, maybe the transition will prove to be much easier than expected. Vastly different work schedules and class times will make me rethink the way I procrastinate and tackle my work. Studying for tests will begin to be something required as opposed to something hatched together during the last minute.
During college I will make new friends; some friends who I will instinctively push away, those I accept and trust, and those who I wish I never associated with. It is an aspect of college life that will prove the most challenging. My new friends will constantly attempt to chip away at the ice until what is left is a mold of who I am. What is left may not be someone who I am entirely proud of, but through thick and thin, I will never forget my morals, my friends, and my family.
Instead of enjoying the little time I have left with my friends, I feel almost too eager to explore the world and fulfill my potential. Though I have some great qualities, there are some bits and pieces of myself that I need to change if not get rid of. My pieces no longer fit the frame that I have created and wish to fill. Perhaps coming home will no longer be possible once I leave, but we are adaptable creatures. If we can adapt to changes of environment and surroundings, we can adapt to changes within ourselves.
A trait that I have always treasured is my ability to refuse peer pressure. I've witnessed changes in people that I thought I knew fairly well. These changes were made in order to make friends with people that will have little value and will show nearly no compassion towards them. I have definitely made mistakes, but I know that I did everything for a reason, and I never sold myself out to become somebody I know I'm not. I also never want to lose my passion for music and singing. My goal to create a song that will move people to tears will not be accomplished without challenge, but my passion I have found will help me see through to my goals.
I have my limits and always will, but I will be able to throw out the pieces of my puzzle that don't fit my future goals. I'd say that the only thing holding me back is my insecurity. I am insecure about whether or not people around me are happy, whether it is in my control or not. If I worry about my own happiness as much as I do about others', I will progress much more rapidly than I previously have.
As we leave the nest into the larger world, we have to make difficult decisions about which parts of us we must leave behind in order to succeed. We may never be able to come back home and enjoy it the way we used to, but as we analyze our pasts and prepare for the future, there is nothing that cannot be accomplished with the motivation to be who you want to be.
After almost four years of high school, I still don’t know who exactly I am or what place the future hold s for me. I’m honestly scared to know what will happen to me in the future because if I don’t know what my path is going to be right now, then I definitely am dreading for what is to come in the future. It scares me to know that senior year is coming to an end because I can recall just a couple of years ago that I said senior year was far from coming up. It all just seems like everything is moving so quickly and within a blink of an eye, I am going to be graduating and entering a new chapter in my life. In this new chapter, I want to be the best that I can be and to reach all of my goals and aspirations. Though I have gone through some hardships throughout my life, I know that it will mold my future into shape because it has made me a stronger person.
What I will definitely keep are my family morals because family comes first no matter what. They have showed me right from wrong, supported me from thick and thin, and most importantly showed me that there is more to life than materialistic matters. I don’t ever see myself away from my family because they made me the person who I am today and it will definitely be hard not seeing them on a daily basis while I am in college. I will also love to keep my strong will with me because that is what drives me into completing things and makes me more independent on deciding what is right for me.
I have acquired many bad habits throughout my life such as not doing my homework, procrastinating, being lazy, and the list goes on- trust me. After high school, I promised myself that I will get rid of all of these bad habits because I have the perfect opportunity of starting fresh, and I need to do so if I want to succeed in life. Also, if I want to have a bright future, I need to alter my misbehaving ways because my old ways will definitely not get me very far.
When I visit Arcadia High while I am in college you will most definitely recognize me when I visit because my physicality probably will not change drastically. As for what’s on the inside, I think I you will see some changes. I will most likely be more mature, goal oriented, and stabilized. Hopefully you will be able to point out some of the lessons you have taught me throughout this semester because I know that I will take your advice, strong words of wisdom, and charismatic speeches and carry on with them for the rest of my life. Because of you, you have taught me to open my eyes and made me realize that I need to grow up if I want a better future.
One of the things I know I will DEFINITELY be looking forward to in college are the people that I will meet. Pushing people away is like asking to be alone in college with nobody to talk to. Obviously, I am still hoping that I will still keep in touch with my current friends and definitely be close with friends that are going to the same college as I am. It has been said that the friends a person will keep in the future and possibly for the rest of their life are their college friends, which I mostly find true. I am more than excited to meet these people because I sometimes ponder about my future by wondering with whom and where I will be twenty years from now. When these thoughts enter my mind, I am not able to distinguish a single person’s face because I am almost sure I have not met them yet. At the moment, it still seems surreal that I will probably be meeting these individuals in less than half a year.
Leaving home is both exciting and horribly scary at the same time because of my family. I have no problem with being away from them as I have been away from them for up to two weeks with nothing happening. However, it’s just the feeling separation from home and missing important dates such as birthdays or special holidays. It would also make me nervous if I ever thought my parents were worried about me because I do not want them to stress more. I would be completely fine as long as I just keep in touch with them through phone calls. Also, since the college I am attending next year is within driving distance, it also makes everything a lot easier. If I was going to college in the east coast it would be a different story…
I think right now, the fact that I will be graduating in less than three weeks has not full on hit me yet. I honestly do not realize that in three weeks, I will not be coming back to the school system that I have gotten so used to over the past thirteen years. Going to school at eight o’ clock for five days a week since I was six has practically been programmed into my system. I can imagine myself waking up at seven thirty in September and then suddenly wondering why I am not at home. Sooner or later, I will eventually stop and take in everything at the same time and I believe that moment will be pretty overwhelming. I am not sure if that moment will be when I throw my cap at graduation, the first week of summer, or even in September when I realize I do not have to come back. It is undeniable that I will be caught up in everything at one point in this process but that is what my friends and family are here for!
I HOPE YOU WILL RECOGNIZE ME WHEN I COME BACK TO VISIT! Unless I grow a full on beard and gain tons of weight, I will expect you to recognize me immediately. I also hope that I will keep the same personality and not change completely as a person, by still keeping what makes me unique. However, the next time I do see you after high school, I would like you to recognize that I have changed, in a positive way of course. What separates you from any other teacher I have had at Arcadia is that I have not just had you for one school year but I have seen you for an ENTIRE three years. I see you during summer practice when you do not make contact with your other students and I see you during sixth period when school comes around. I have known you since you started teaching at Arcadia High and it has truly been a privilege to have you as a coach and teacher!
I don't know How it is going to feel in September either. I guess its just going to be a shock that we are goig nt ohave to get use to.
I want to be a person who is well-rounded and has that self-confidence to not care what others think of me. I tend to be extremely shy and don't say anything, especially in new surroundings. I also want to have strong people skills so that I could work well with different kinds of people in life. On the other hand, I would still keep the side of me that loves to help people. My mom told me that when I was little, I used to help people who would come to my house put their shoes on for them before they leave. It is a satisfying feeling for me to because there is nothing to lose in helping people in need. In a way, I would like to make a difference in the world and have people remember me for that.
I am usually open in letting new people in my life because I don't see the harm in meeting them. Even though I am eager to let new people in my life, I will still have my guard up in trusting people. As I step into the real world, I will encounter all kinds of different people without knowing what their true intentions are. I need to be careful of who to trust and who to not trust. Not everyone has the same morals and beliefs as I do, and it is important to watch out for people who will use me for their own benefits without thinking of the moral of their actions. Some people will manipulate others so that in the end they will get what they want, regardless of how vindictive it is. Just because I may not open up to those kinds of people as much doesn't mean that I will push them away at the same time.
Once I go to college, I believe I will yearn for home in the very beginning. The thought of leaving my home after all these years is pretty terrifying to me. I will definitely have to adjust my lifestyle since I will not be living in the comfort of my own home. I feel relaxed and comfortable whenever I'm at home, but whenever I'm at someone else's house, I don't have that same feeling for some reason. Whether I like it or not, life moves on. A part of me wants to seek out a new life; however, another part of me wants to keep the same life. Nonetheless, I will be looking forward in starting a new chapter in my life after high school is over.
Unfortunately, I do not think you will be able to recognize me when I visit. Maybe in a year you will recognize me, but not in five years. College is completely different from high school and the people find out more about themselves than they did in high school. People will change for the better or for the worse. I am about to step into a chapter in my life where I cannot make the same mistakes as I once did in high school. Back then, I could mess around and still have a second chance. However, now is the time when I need to take things seriously and not ruin my future because I will not have those second chances anymore.
I would like to create the person who will be very similar to me, but with better personalities. They will be more cheerful, more sociable, and more confident. I am a shy person who is afraid of communicating with people much, especially those strangers. I admire those people who can freely express themselves well in front of a crowd of audiences. I always think that if I am born with more confidence, I can meet more new friends and explore the world more. In addition, they will also be strong, tough and positive. Without these, how can they easily get through so many ups and downs during their lives?
I will keep all my characters that I think are good. I will keep on treating my friends humbly and sincerely. I would try my best to help them when they are unhappy and having problems. I never hurt them and lose my temper with them. I love sharing my feelings with my friends. I also love listening to my friends share their happiness and sadness. Friends to me are very important, I can’t live without them.
I will acquire the things that would support me to have a better opportunity in my career. Knowledge and technology are the important things that I will pursuit in the following couple of years. These will equip me to face the challenges when I will start working. Of course, recognitions and achievements from colleges are also the essential qualification in my resume for seeking jobs. I will work hard in college to acquire as much academic knowledge as possible because after college, I will have to concentrate in work. By that time, I’m afraid that I don’t have such a good studying mood to keep on further study. Besides, positive attitude and working experience are also things that I am going to acquire.
I am not going to yearn for home; instead, I am going to seek out new life for myself in United States. I have emigrated from Hong Kong to United States since I was a junior. I have learned a lot here, including real freedom, respectful and sincerity. I am very happy to have myself studying in such a wonderful place. Teachers and classmates are very friendly and helpful. They would never let you down and feel lonely here. I am going to be eager to let new people into my life that is also the reason why I like to study aboard instead of studying in my home country.
With only about three weeks left of high school, change is a lot closer than we think. I’m actually a bit nervous about graduation (I lied, I’m really nervous), because I know after graduation, I’m going to experience a series of changes. Aside from college, I’m also applying for an intern job at a law firm. I have to go through the whole resume and interview process, which I never done before. If I land this job, I have to change a third of my wardrobe to business attire. I will have to start learning how to drive on the freeway to get to downtown LA. But, getting a job isn’t a big enough change—I’m moving! I have been living in my current house for the last 71/2 years and in Arcadia for the last 11 years. Moving is definitely a big change for me, especially since all my close friends live within walking distance from me.
Summer is just not going to be the same. My friends are all going their separate ways, doing their own things. I know I will have to make new friends in college, but I’m not always the easiest to be friends with on the first day. I tend to push people away. I don’t like change if I’m content with my life. Therefore, I like the friends I have, so I don’t really show interest in meeting new people. This is something that I need to change about myself, especially if I’m going to a new school with new faces. I need to break open my shell and be more social and approachable. I need to adjust to the college life. It’s going to be hard for me, but I feel that I can do it.
If you haven’t noticed, I’m a home person. I don’t like going out too much. I get homesick easily. But what’s weird is that when I’m home, I’m incredibly lonely since no one is usually home. I just dwell in my own loneliness because I feel comfortable. I’m not that excited for my new life because it’s pretty much the same life I have right now. My parents are gone from 9Am to 12Am, and sometimes they don’t even come home (playing mahjong). So, I have a lot of freedom in my life. I cook my own meals, sleep when I want to, and plan out my own schedule. I know that I’ll be going out a lot more in college (projects, library, fast food, social life). It’s something that I need to be comfortable doing.
I hope that when I come visit you, you will recognize me but see good changes in me. I want to be mature in that I am capable of having sensible conversations/discussions with you. But I also want to keep the innocent and child-like carefree outlook of the world. I want to be someone you will be proud of. I want to be able to share my wisdom with you, like you have with us. You probably won’t see much of a change anytime soon, but I hope you will. I’ll be someone worth teaching. I’ll change the world in my eyes, and hopefully in yours too.
You wrote, "I want to be someone you will be proud of."
You already are!
This is a big year for everyone because there will be some big changes after four weeks. We will no longer be in high school and will definitely become very independent. I am both excited and nervous, but I know in the end that this it what life is all about; change. I am exactly like you, I get home sick even though when I'm at home no one is really there. It's just the essence of being at home is what I will truly miss the most.
Coming to the U.S. as a high school sophomore has always made me feel very behind in school. In the beginning, everything seemed so strange to me and my mind shifted all the way to amusements outside of school. When I was in China, I used to be one of the top 50 students of my grade with over 700 students in it. And I was a school-activity enthusiast and very outgoing, helpful, and popular girl. Now I’ve become so different that I wonder if my old classmates I had in China would recognize me if they see me here. I’m a lot less confident and participating in school than before, and recreational activities seem to be my major business to take care of daily. I’m pretty sure most teachers I’ve had in AHS will forget about me in half a year.
Living here for almost three years so far, I still didn’t make any significant advancement in my English proficiency. Unfortunately I wasted my time doing all the boring stuff that other students wouldn’t even do. Within three years, I should’ve taken SAT classes, joined the band and swimming team, and taken my driving test. In short, I’ve been feeling fairly disappointed by myself, both as a student and a young adult. I yearn for a change!
Finally I’ll graduate from high school and go to college soon. I consider this a turning point of my life – time to make that difference! I might successfully become mature and independent at this point, but my situation might also stay stagnant or be even worse if I fail to seize the chance. So this is going to be an extremely important opportunity to change back to the real Scarlett Chang but surely with fewer flaws and more appreciable maturity. I want myself to be more open to others, instead of being reluctant to let others know that I could be weak sometimes too. Be persistent and patient both to myself and others; become a decent and nice person who makes people happy and enjoy having me around them. In many cases, my worst enemy has always been myself. I found it most difficult when I’m the only participant in certain cases – getting started on my homework is one hardest thing for me. I believe I will be confident in my own ability to conquer laziness and bad temper little by little – enjoy the process of bettering myself. Thus, I can gain my confidence and optimistic nature back and live with few struggles. Moreover, I will try to find a part-time job to help my mom. My goal for college is to able to act and think like an adult! A mature, independent, and cool adult!
Since I look forward to the future so much, will I miss high school? Sure I will. I remember having a really tough time when I left my friends in China, and I think everyone will more or less be filled with nostalgia when recalling back the old days. These happy times, sad times and hybrid times, however, are not to hold you back or restrict you – they are the basis of your future and have provided you with valuable knowledge and skills that you can use as resources for future life. While keeping the qualities that define me, I’m very eager to seek out a new life for myself. All my regrets in high school will then become my motivation power to be successful.
It won't be long before your true character can break through any barriers. To my understanding, at its very bottom languages are universal. Well, at least Chinese and English are.
+Who is the person you want to create? What will they be like?
I want to create a person who is strong and independent. She has lots of friends that will always support her no matter what. She is pretty and has a handsome boyfriend. She is good at business and communicating with people so they admire her. She looks strong but sometimes weak in her heart. That is what I want to be in the future, a woman with strong personalities. She is opinionated but not irritatingly proud.
+What will you keep?
I still want to keep the old me. After few years, I want to be in touch with my old friends because they are in my past. They know the old me the most, so I will not forget them easily. The memories in high school are unforgettable because I got two best friends in there four years. I can not forget about what they said to me at the prom, “Our friendship with last forever. Promise.” I am sure that our relationships are not only between friends, but more likely between sisters of family members. They are the most important treasures that i got in high school, so i want to keep this friendship forever.
+What will you discard?
I am many shortcomings: Selfish, lazy, etc. I want to avoid my mistakes in the future. People always learn from mistakes, so i want to make a better me in college. I will study harder because my future is closer to me everyday. I do not want my parents worried about me any more that i will be an adult that taking care of them.
+Are you going to be eager to let new people into your life, or will you reflexively push them away?
I like to make friends. I believe the more people i know, the better my life will be. When i feel lonely, friends give me happiness. If one day i stack in the middle of nowhere, i believe it's going to be my friends pick me up and bring me back home. Also, i like to help others. So each time when i can give my friends a helping hand, i will get gratification. I wish in the world, there are only two kinds of people. One is stranger, and one is friend.
I've always thought that for you, there is only the later kind.
When I look back at my photographs five or even ten years from now, I hope to see the same person at heart with some alterations made. I want to see a person who has left behind the things in his past that are currently haunting me today. I plan to create a person who is able to learn and grow from his past and be appreciative for the life he has lived until this point. The uniqueness of Joshuah Kaiffie however I shall never change. The sense of heart and own personal belief on helping those around me I will never alter. I believe I am going to go through my own journey to find my own pursuit of happiness. I will find happiness in the end because of the events in my life of losing family and close friends to unnecessary violence. It has taught me that life is too short to live it miserably or with a grudge.
I will acquire in my future the ability to identify my previous patterns and choose which patterns to keep and which ones I should change. I will keep memories of the old me to remind me of where I have come from and where I plan to go in the future. I will remember those in my life that I could truly call a friend and remember those in my life that were able to deceive me into believing something otherwise. By doing so I will develop a life with balance in my social life. To befriend someone without giving them too much power to harm you in the end is what I hope to accomplish. I will keep my love for those in my family who sacrificed everything to provide me the best they could at the time and I will keep alive my dream of doing what I personally want to do in life and not allow any event or person to stop that dream.
I will seek a new life better than I have now but at the same time remember what I have come from. I will learn from the mistakes my predecessors before me have made and learn from it so that I can improve myself to not make those same mistakes. So that I can prevent myself from going down the same path they went down. I will come to a point in my life where I will come to a fork in the road where I shall be forced to make the decision of where I want to go. I’ve already started taking steps to prepare me for when that time comes and I have faced other cross roads in my life that have allowed me to arrive where I currently reside. I know I will choose the path in the future that may be difficult at first but I am determined that the pay out of that road will be rich. Rich in knowledge, understanding, and rich in happiness. I will discover new sources of motivation that will take me beyond what I am able to envision for myself currently.
When you see me whenever in the future that may be I do not think you will recognize my physical appearance. Even the manner of which I dress and conduct myself shall be different than it is currently. You will be able to recognize me however the moment you hear my expressing myself because I will still have that flare that makes me unique from anyone else. There is only one Joshuah Kaiffie in the entire world both literally and metaphorically. The true question I ask myself is if I will be able to recognize you if I choose to come back to Arcadia and visit.
It's interesting to say that you say that you will always remain as yourself. I find that hard to adapt because I've been always changing and unable to find myself. I'm glad that you will find a way to keep that uniqueness you claim so much about. I'll keep in contact with you in the future and see if I still recognize you!
I always knew you guys had this kind of thread in you. It was well worth staying up to finish.
I loved what I read tonight, and the best is yet to come...
Awww, thank you Mr. Feraco!
Even as I skimmed over the thread, I was pretty amazed at the stuff that my classmates wrote. Not to mention, the feedback rate is also unusually high! I think I saw a couple of individuals who went beyond the minimum requirements. Even when studying for a statistics final tomorrow (GAAAAAAH), I can't help but check every few minutes for feedback and reply!
Until this blog I never really thought about that “golden opportunity” presented at the beginning of my college years; the chance to rebuild. What I want to do, above all else, is sculpt a personality that is distinctly me. The person I will create will have none of the flaws that suffocate my potential, and all the traits to allow it to flourish. But above all else, similar to some cliché Disney advertisement, its gotta be me. For some reason, when contemplating rebuilding myself, it’s this thought that reoccurs constantly. Distinct individuality. I want to build on a special core of defining traits, shedding from it dead weight (excessive fear), adding awesome sauce (excessive bravery) but maintain its transparency. As of today, I do not know what composes of that core – it could be my ideal image or my actual self a months from now – but the excitement from unraveling that mystery is almost tangible. Barring physical appearance, I do not know what will separate me from the next freshman today. My future person will know what separates me from the rest while acquiring, keeping, and discarding everything that I want to.
When I enter college, I want to enter with traits that would make me live more successful. Rather than list all the traits that only seem logical to want (and I do want to acquire them), such as curing nervousness, be more social, friends, morals, no procrastination, etc, there only a few traits I know will be crucial to living after high school.
Determination is the biggest trait I want to acquire. Since mid senior year, when I decided to transfer to community college, schoolwork has been turning into an endurance test. The mindset is that once I tough it out to summer, it’s over, without any payoff other than that fact. Like running miles without losing the calories. It’s a terrible mindset to keep.
Better sleeping habits is the second. Just sayin’.
The next is risk. My five inch diameter comfort zone really doesn’t allow for any. I turned down so many opportunities, and the regrets as starting to eat away more. Opportunities to travel, meet, eat, and even the ones where I only had to open my hand – all turned down. I want to see the “heads” side of the coin more than the “tails”. I want to expand that comfort zone until it’s the size of Africa by the time college starts; I want to experience everything. My arms are open to change, but without learning to risk more, I’ll never experience change.
Apathy is the final boss; sanity in 1984, temptation to monks; sugar in diets. Indifference leads to almost everything is wrong in my life – school, work. When there is no drive, there is no reason for the body to endure, to strive for a goal. Only compounded by a lack of determination, apathy will lead to my ruin, if I do not crush it beneath my heel a la 1984 style. I want to care or develop passion, even deceive myself to care, for the distant bull’s-eye after college.
Hopefully, if my inner transformation goes right, you would recognize me if I visited. What you see in the others that visit you – the same, but better individual – is what I hope you could see. I’m still going to cut my hair though.
But I can hardly recognize you this year knowing you last year! Beware of the freshman fifteen. You've been there.
Determination is the biggest trait I want to acquire. Since mid senior year, when I decided to transfer to community college, schoolwork has been turning into an endurance test. The mindset is that once I tough it out to summer, it’s over, without any payoff other than that fact. Like running miles without losing the calories. It’s a terrible mindset to keep.
This paragraph was supposed to be between the second and third paragraph
I am at that point in life when one of my teammates is relaying the baton into my hands. Before that metal object reaches my hand, I reminisce about past “relay races” the wins and the fails. I think about all the late nights I had gone through and the projects I have done. I remember the indispensable lessons that I have learned from countless teachers that have impacted me. The bubbly and butterfly feeling that temporarily dwells inside of my stomach as I see people watching intensely as the baton is passed to the next runner. This moment in life when I see the seniors from the past graduate with that “baton” in their hands on graduation day, I anticipate that moment when the baton reaches me. As the baton falls into my hands, I have to leave behind my insecurities and remnants of myself and run with confidences and endurances till I reach my next destination. That turning point as the diploma reaches my grip, I feel as if I have grown to become a young, still developing, adult.
The person I want to become is far from the person I am. She will be someone who will be looked up to, who has made a difference in society, and who is independent. She will shed all the experiences that she has encountered during high school and build a stronger layer. The memories, the things she has learned, and the few unforgettable friends she has made will follow her throughout college. Like how people have made friends, at the same time, people have made enemies and these people will be forgotten along with the note of becoming a more of the bigger person and forgiving others and becoming a more open-minded individual. She will be someone who has not become numbed by the countless failures but someone who will pick up the mistakes she has made and learn to correct them and make them right again. She will be someone who can wait for success and preserving till the last moment.
Yearning for home seemed like an impossible task for me at the moment since I have been yearning for some place outside of home for 4 years. I want a place that I can call my own in which no parents can intrude. I want to be able to find my things where I had place them last and not have to guess where my parents had misplaced it. I want to be able to have a messy room without being yelled at or cleaned by my mother. I yearn for that freedom to have that place where it has my name all over it. Although it seems to be a cliché dream that many graduating seniors have, I believe after a few years of college, I will grow to appreciate the skills that my parents have instilled in me during the years I have lived under their roof and yearn to be back home.
After 6 months in college, I am pretty sure I will be recognizable because I will not cut my hair short and I will join a gym to avoid the freshman fifteen myth. However, I probably will have changed in that getting glasses might become necessary. During college, students stay up late at night studying, putting strain on their eyes which results to blurry vision and a required visit to the optometrist. The way I dress will drastically change depending on the people around me. I probably will develop a fashion sense during college and discard the shirt and pants to something more “college” like. What I hope most the next time you see me is that you see me as not a student but as an adult.
The person I want to create is a real man. This real man will be independent, meaning I could provide for myself without the help of others. I will be able to make good decisions on my own without trying to please others. I want to be smarter. There is so much to learn in this world, and I want to learn as much as I can. This man will be outgoing. I want to be strong-willed and assertive but at the same time kind-hearted. I will know what I want and achieve it. And most importantly, I will be proud of the man I have created. I will be happy with the decisions I have made and look at the past with no regrets. This is the man I am going to be and the man I am going to see when I look into the mirror.
I hope to keep some traits as I grow. I hope to keep a positive attitude towards learning. I hope to keep in touch with my closest friends and family. I must also discard some of bad habits and traits. I am a huge procrastinator. This is a horrible habit which makes things so much harder. I need to set my priorities straight in order to succeed. I hope to acquire maturity over most things. By gaining maturity, other traits will come with it such as independence and intellect. With independence I won’t have to rely on others so much and with intellect I can deal with stressful situations.
It only hit me recently that we only have a couple weeks of school left until our lives are going to change drastically. I remember someone once told me that I would be really lucky if I were to stay in touch with at least ten people. This is depressing but I understand that we all must move on with our lives and go on to the next stage. But after I leave high school, I will be eager to let new people in to my life. I have met a variety of wonderful people through Arcadia High, so I am excited to see the different kinds of people I will meet. Not only that, it would make it easier to let go of those I will lose touch with.
I will probably yearn for home and at the same time eagerly seek out a new life. If I am away from home long enough I will eventually miss it. I’ve had such a great childhood and a loving family, it is almost impossible not to yearn. This doesn’t mean that I am not excited to seek out a new life though. I have mixed feelings of both fear and excitement towards a new life. I don’t really want to leave home, but on the other hand I am excited to see what life has in store for me. I know it is my turn to grow up, and the best way to approach it is to embrace it.
Wow! It recently hit me too that we're graduating soon and will not keep in touch with too many people. I think that your ideas are very similar to mine about the traits you want to change such as procrastination and priority changing. Hope you meet that mark that you set for yourself about what you want to become!
I remember the times when the struggle to act a certain way, dress a certain way, or talk like others was one of the priorities in school. The need to fit in and be accepted by our peers constantly clouded our minds as we attempt to create our own identities. I guess it’s just a phase we all go through growing up, though. As we near the end of high school and are either nearing 18, I think that most people have had enough time to mature enough to start creating their own identities rather then mimicking others to fit in. Over the years, I have begun to create an identity for myself that I do not wish to throw away just after high school. However unfinished or unpolished it may be, I plan to further construct to my likings. Sure, I have edges that need to be refined such as time management skills and straightening up priorities that I can improve myself with, but I do not plan to “create” a new being. Although outlooks on life are easily susceptible to change as new people, and greater challenges come, the personality I have carved for myself is going to be preserved because it’s what makes me an individual.
From what I’ve heard, community college is the place where people go to school, mind their own business, and go home. This is fairly intimidating because it opposes the very social atmosphere in high school. I am sure I am going to be eager to let new people in my life because different people have unique things to offer and learn from, and relationships to build. Although fairly comfortable with friends that I’ve been around through my high school years, eagerness fills me to see what else I haven’t explored yet. The opportunity to meet new people always presents a door to experience and relate to different ideas that will eventually build who I am.
I think during my next few years, I plan to attend a community college, so I will not really be leaving home, yet. However, the idea of leaving my home, the people I’ve known for so long, and starting from scratch terrifies me. The comfort of seeing parents, friends and people close has become one of the things I probably do not fully treasure until I have to grow up and leave. The yearning for home will always linger in the back of my head once I leave, but the new life of getting away and the chance to experience new challenges and circumstances exhilarates me. Experiencing the unknown and unseen invites me with open arms, but instill a yearning for the relationships and people of the past.
I think the only unrecognizable thing you will notice about me will be my physical appearance. As soon as you talk to me though, the tone or way I present myself may differ from the Ryan Hayashida who used to be in your Period 3 Myth so Sci-Fi class, but the character the same. My viewpoints and outlooks on life will change before the next time I visit, because choices and challenges will slowly shape who I am. I think that underneath the façade of sophisticated talk that I may use in the future, I will still be recognizable because I intend to keep the inner traits and character of myself.
If graduating and going to college is really a brand new start, where I can be anyone I want to be, I can not wait. All the time, while sleeping in AP Calculus or Government, I dream of somehow traveling back in time and redoing my life. To reshape myself into my vision of perfect, I would start with what I personally think is my biggest flaw: my personality. Sure sometimes I am nice and outgoing, but most the time I am aware of my colder, shyer self pulling the reins. Like I said in the last blog, I have a serious problem of building my friendships on proximity and as a result, they do not last. The person I want to create when I reach the next step will be much more human in that I will value relationships more. I will start new ones, to rekindle dead ones, to enjoy my current friends.
This is just the first thing that I will change. Next I would probably discard a few, if not all, of my bad habits. Everything from biting my nails to intentionally procrastinating on or skipping homework has only held me back. My inabilities to feel sympathy or focus on a mundane subject are also at the top of my list of traits I want to leave behind when I move out. In the course of dumping undesirable aspects of my personality, I will make room for things I pray for daily. Of the characteristic wish list, I plan to roll need on ambition and responsibility. Personally I think these are the two most important traits I must acquire to survive alone.
Sometimes it feels like I have a Mr. Hyde in me “reflexively pushing” new friends away. But at the same time, my better half is constantly struggling to step out of safety and into the realm of meeting new people. I am certain that college is only going to split a rift in my contradicting personalities. Hopefully the outgoing, ideal self emerges victorious.
Everyday as graduation looms ever closer; I am trying to figure out whether or not I yearn to leave home. The last thing I hope to clear up is this problem of seeing my own problems as a foreigner. For example, some friends ask me if I want to go with them to a rave and I say yes. I know I do not want to go, but I still instinctively said yes. Who am I lying to, them or I? When I return, I hope you do not recognize me. I hope to return a whole new person with these internal conflicts resolved and en route to something even greater.
I found this blog incredibly hard to start with. It was not because I did not know where to start from; it was because I was subconsciously reluctant to accept the fact that I am eventually leaving – my attempt to avoid getting hit by nostalgia. It makes me cry.
As my senior year gradually approaches an end, I look back and find myself recalling only the memories I have from being a choir member. That was not surprising; I have been in the program all four years in my high school life. Since freshman year, I worked my way through from a member of New Spirit, to a member of Chanteurs, to eventually the president of Chanteurs. Whenever my friends talk about me, they always refer me as “the one in choir” or “president of Chanteurs”. It actually makes me proud and I like it a lot. However, whom will I be recognized as once I leave this high school?
Honestly, I am afraid to graduate and enter college. Although many of my graduated friends seem fairly happy with their college life, I enjoy repeating the same old routine and seeing the same faces every day. I like doing things that I am familiar with and sharing personal things with people that I know well and trust. Certainly, I can do so as well with the new friends I will make when I go to college, but my fear to unknown and uncertainty makes me afraid to leave a place and people that I once rely on. Personally, I am rather satisfied with the two best friends that I share and do everything with. As much as I welcome new people into my life, I love staying in a constant circle where my friends are within reach for help and I do not have to worry about changing environment. Physically, I will not push them away when I encounter new people, but it takes a lot of time and effort before I let my guard down.
Since I was raised in a boarding school when I was little, I am always eager to break away from the cage and to seek out a new life. As ironic as it is, I like stable life yet I like establishing control in a life I want more than a life that is given to me. Home is a shelter, where I can always come back and seek protection; however, yearning for home will not lead me to anywhere. In the future, I will have a job, establish a social status, and build my own family. From then on, I will be living a different life in which the home I was born in will no longer be the first priority in my life. Up until now, I have already earned enough protection and help from home and am a legal adult now. In other words, I am more responsible with my own life now and should be self-motivated to achieve the life I want with my own hands. Only the life that is established by myself would truly satisfy me.
I actually do not think you will recognize me when I visit, Mr. Feraco. (haha) Although you always bring up my name once or twice in your examples, I do not consider myself an impressive student compared to some other students who always participate in class or get particularly good grades. Of course, I would love to be recognized when I visit sometimes after I graduate, but there are so many student and I am just one of them. As long as you remember me as one of your former student when I come back and visit sometimes after I graduate, I would be happy. Honestly, when memory slips away as I grow up, I will probably have a hard time recalling your name, but I will remember what a great teacher you are and how much I have learned in your class.
We'll all change. We'll all miss what we had and know that we will leave some things behind. But we'll also pick up some new things along the way. You just have to Seize the Day. Life is still life and no matter how much you change, you'll still be Laurel Cao, president of Chanteurs, Lao She, and a great person. Live the future without actually leaving the past. The past will always be there for you.
As my time as an Apache at Arcadia High School begins to draw to an end, I often find myself looking back at times past, back four years to a time when my journey was just beginning. I try to paint a picture in my head; I try to recall my appearance, my personality, my character; the person that went by “Ryan Brice” four years ago. I’m greeted by a complete stranger. It is so much like how you described seeing us again after six months; while we are physically the same person, we are no longer us. The last four years were relatively easy; high school has a knack of easing about change about its students to help them adapt. I don’t suspect college will offer such an easy transition.
Frankly, I’m not particularly excited about knowing what I will become. I suppose it adds to the suspense, building itself up until it reaches the ultimate climax, change. Four years ago I could not imagine myself in the shoes I stand in today; I built walls around myself going into high school, walls that eventually came down. For me, I rather like the change that I’ve stumbled upon in the last 1450 days, change that I had no idea of prior to it happening to me. I want that same feeling of amazement again, that same moment six months from now where I say, “Wow, that was me?” Yes, I do expect to grow once more, emotionally and mentally, but I rather not know what the future holds for my personality. Perhaps it’s just more fun that way.
Keep, discard, acquire. They way its worded makes it sound as if I am in a grocery store shopping for myself. “What shall I buy today? Maybe I don’t really need this part of myself. If only I could afford such change…” Initially, that analogy brought upon mixed emotions. I am simultaneously adding and removing bits and pieces of myself. I am not the same exact person I was yesterday. But as my personality continues to change within me, there are simply some things I refuse to let go such as my light-heartedness. I’m not a serious person (and I can’t really see myself being one) but to see myself become one would be the same as seeing myself become something I’m really not. I also do wish to discard the traces of shyness that I’ve retained since freshman year. But what to keep and what to discard are topics of simplicity compared to what it is I want to acquire, but I’ll leave that to what the future holds for me.
Up until this point of the tale, Calvin Wilton Chan has still not been able to create a path in which will make him successful in the future. There were many opportunities to take charge of the life he lead, but never acted on them. Living cowardly, selfishly, lazily and dependently over these eighteen years given. At times, there was doubt in which he would not be able to follow the destined road. The past now will not matter, the past now will not matter in the future. There will be actions taken to lead this man to be a better man, a great man. Realization does not matter anymore because actions will be taken on instinct. Greatness does not take luck anymore, it takes destiny. He was made for a reason.
During the tenth year of Wilton’s life, the absence of his mother’s presence had him realize life was important. Given the knowledge and mindset, the future did not seem bright, it seemed dull. Peers and elders around him led normal lives, promising futures with absolute chance of great retirements. These individuals worked from the early morning to late afternoon, for five days out of seven, and for most of the year they followed this pattern. He did not see himself in this picture of dullness, he gave up in life. Nothing was important to him, schoolwork meant work given to torture, reports of progression showed no progress, life had no meaning. Development of rejection, isolation, mistrust, hateful were to the point where strangers could have seen through him after the first meeting. Life had no light in the next five years.
Year eighteen, the year of friends, family, peers, teachers. Wilton’s believed that he was just one of the clay humans that were created to hang on to life by a string. Life and Death were in his mind became similar beliefs. People in his life started to see through the deceptions and the lies, started to understand his true self. Confrontations and hunts were given by the peers that he did not lead a life destined. He denied. Until the very last weeks of his high school years. The love from family became clear to him as they discussed about his life plans. Education became important to him for his destined path. Friendship became important to him for his feelings and emotions. Scenes in which his teachers nodded and smiled at him gave the realization of his importance in this very world. He wanted to be a new person, he needed to let go of the very means that had dragged him down. Life meant something.
In the future paths, they are still unknown, but a person will be reborn to be a different being. He will take life as planned. He will appreciate life in ways that could not be imagined. He will acquire the skills needed to became the person he sees. He sees others as light instead of baggage. He will feel the need in this world. He wants recognition in this very world because it does make him feel needed. He is Calvin Wilton Chan, and he will become a great man.
In the near future I would want to create a person who is recognizable for my scholarly achievements in college. When I walk into a room I want everyone to be blown away by my presence. They’re all going to be thinking, “Wow that’s John Guyer. He’s such a swell guy. He graduated from UCLA for the arts.” That’s how I want to be recognized. I want to someday transfer to UCLA and graduate, so I can achieve what my parents were unable to do. They both went to UCLA but then when my older brother was born they were both forced to drop out even before their second year in college. They had their whole lives ahead of them and yet, it was all hindered by the miracle of life. It’s a blessing in disguise, but the point is that they were unable to finish the good fight in college. That’s what mostly pushes me to go to college. I want to become something even greater than my parents, and I am sure the feeling is mutual.
When I graduate from high school I would want to keep with me the parts of my personality that define me. I want to still be the same guy who can act weird and no one cares. When I’m with my sister or my friends I can be as weird as I want and they just laugh at me, which is great. I still want to be the guy who plays video games for hours, a trait that I am already starting to lose these days. This is the stuff that makes me who I am. When I am graduated I would want to keep these things but then on the flip side I would want to discard my procrastination tendencies. For just about everything in school I procrastinate. Ever since I learned the meaning of the word in sixth grade, I think that’s when it started catching on in my work habits. Before that point I would pretty much do everything on time, but I think it was in sixth grade when I started slipping. It’s a habit that took moments to start, and yet it will take a lifetime in college to break. I no longer want to be that kind of guy who attempts to create a whole philosophical baseline in three periods, or who turns in the blog entry a month late. It really does kill me when I have to turn in stuff so late, or when I throw something together at the last moment right before it’s due. I used to take pride in the fact that I could pull that off at the second, but then I realize that I am capable of so much more. If I can put together an adequate piece of work in less than three periods, imagine how great it would be if I took some time to work on it at home. This is the part of me that I want to shed later on, so I can become a better person.
When I go off to college I want to let new people into my life and I am eager to find a new home for myself. I want to be the guy who leaves home and dorms with a bunch of new people on campus. Through this I would be able to learn new perspectives on life. I would learn what it’s like to not have my mother helping me out with certain things in life. I am already independent as it is; I drive myself everywhere, I have a job, I provide my own lunch everyday and sometimes dinner. Despite all these things it is still strange to imagine a life without my parents. They have been an important part of me, as much as my siblings and it’s going to be strange once it happens. In a way I want to go on my own because I want to live up to the challenge. I want to be the guy who can genuinely say, “I survived college without my parents being there on a daily basis. I survived on cheap food and dirty laundry everyday.” I want to be able to say that I am a survivor. Even though at this point I am probably going to start at pcc (waiting to see if UCR will forgive me for missing SIR deadline), one day I will be leaving the household and moving on to a college dorm or my own apartment, and the transition will be tough but worth it.
I think that when I come back to visit Mr. Feraco will recognize me to an extent, because of all the things that I discard and acquire. Hopefully, I will be a new person in the sense that I will no longer be a procrastinator. I will be the guy who turns in everything on time, and never misses a deadline. However I will still be the same easy-going guy who is easy to talk to because of my natural charm. (ha ha!) I am relatively skinny and athletic, so I won’t be gaining any weight from now until when I come back. I hate having long hair and I can genuinely say that I will never change my mind on that one. So all in all I will be physically the same still. Maybe I’ll be sporting some new fashion trend, even though I don’t care much for vanity, but I’ll look the same for the most part. So I think that Mr. Feraco will still be familiar with me, except the only major change will be my work ethic. I will become the most motivated student to ever transfer out of PCC. I’m going to get straight A’s, transfer out, and before you know it you’ll be looking at the newest addition to UCLA. (or perhaps some other prestigious campus if I change my mind).
I definitely agree with you in your second paragraph. You mention that you want to keep the parts of your personality that define you. That's a really good line and I wish I read your post before I did mine because I would have quoted you in my post. I really want to keep the parts of me that really define who I am. I don't want to change and become someone I cannot recognize anymore.
I find this blog very interesting and very easy to write to.
As I was growing up, I have always fantasized my own self as someone who is really important. I imagine myself coming from a well off family, and going to a great school, and becoming someone who is important like a CEO of a major company or even a celebrity. This ideal life of mine has it all, from cars to homes, to just about every material item you can possibly think of. This person home is not a home but rather a mansion. My cars are from high end luxury brands to even sports car brands. This person has it all. This has always been my ideal life that I would love to live in. Even now, I remember this was my dream ever since the sixth grade. It was something I wanted to strive for. However, I believe that has all changed now. Instead, my new life is not so extreme, rather it is more humbled. It is definitely still above the average life but not to the extent that my previous ideal life was. This new life for me is one of happiness and joy. Rather than seeking material items, I feel like the ideal person for me is someone who is well off and enjoys time in the company of others and travels around the world. I would love to do that. And I want to try and make it my goal to go to a few countries before I start college.
In my ideal life, I definitely want to keep my family. I need them to live. My parents have supported me through thick and thin, and I'm always amazed at how they continue to support me even though I rarely support them. I feel blessed to have parents that sort of spoil me by accepting my lifestyle and helping me to burst out of my bubble of laziness. No matter how much I fail, they continue to push me and motivate me. This unconditional love that I feel from them is always a strong influence for me; I know through my childhood and the way they have raised me, I will do the same for my children in the future. Another thing I do not want to forget is my friends. Like my parents, my friends are always there for me when I can't talk to my parents. There are just some things that I cannot tell my parents and that I have to tell my friends instead. They allow me an opportunity to talk and they help to counsel me all the time. This is something I definitely don't take for granted and something I don't want to lose. When I go to college, I want to keep the good aspects of my life, my morals that I have lived by. Personally, I think I am a very nice guy and I really care for others. I want to keep my own genuine self that separates me from other people. It makes me unique and I don't want to lose that.
When it comes to discarding things, I really do not know what it is that I want to throw away. Beside my bad traits like my laziness or responsibility issues, I cannot think of anything else I would want to throw away. So I will expand on these two traits. Laziness is definitely a big problem for me, especially now as we approach the end of the year. I seem to skip many homework assignments even though I really try not to. I come late to school even though I know my teachers don't like it. But this whole laziness issue is just one little branch under the umbrella of responsibility. I am actually quite a responsible person, but when it comes to things I do not like to do, I tend to get lazy and careless and this is where my poor responsibility issues take over me. If I had to throw away something when I go to college, it would definitely be this.
I feel like I will be very eager to let new people into my life but I constantly tell myself, I will not lose my friends that I have now. My circle of friends is the best circle of friends that anyone can ask for and I don't want to lose that. I have seen or heard many other groups of friends getting into arguments and whatnot but my group is very strong. In the two and a half years that we've been together, or four years if you count just me and my guy friends, we have never gotten mad at each other. We have never gotten into any arguments or anything where we have yelled at each other. It's really a blessing to know that my friends will always be there for me. When I go to college, I certainly don't want to lose this friendship, this bond that I have with them. I am definitely eager to meet new friends but I will not lose my old ones.
I definitely think you will recognize me. However I'm only saying this now. I don't know how different I will be in six months. I could be someone even I don't recognize when I see myself in the mirror. I will never know but my gut instincts are telling me that there won't be that much of a difference. Besides losing some bad habits and gaining some new ones, I think I will be pretty much the same person. In between my junior year and senior year, I haven't changed at all. Honestly, I still feel like a sophomore in high school. So change for me seems highly unlikely in just six months.
As I approach adulthood, I often times look back on the last four years of my life. I can still remember the admiration I had towards upperclassmen as a freshman, the gradual adaptation to my surroundings as a sophomore, and the struggle to survive as a junior. As years passed, it eventually became my turn to stand in the footsteps of those that I once looked up to – a senior. The young men and women that seemed so distanced from my entrance into high school were now my peers.
I have gained countless memories from my stay. From the ring of the bell to the nasty as hell smell that those white flowering tree emit will forever be with me. At the same time that I accrued memories, I lost parts of my original self. Just like how past Apaches changed once they entered college, so have I when I progressed through high school. For the most part, I departed with most of my childish shenanigans. I want to emphasize on most. I plan on keeping the rest. On a more serious note, I have also become more enlightened.
High school only acted as the spark that will ignite the heaps of change to come. Although parts of me will become significantly different than what they are now, some will not change at all. Take for example; my handsome youthful looks will remain with me forever. Age is something that will not affect me, the future God-King of the planet.
Becoming the emperor of the world is something that is ungraspable to many. But through visions and dreams, I am destined to overcome the perilous journey to become the Supreme Ruler. Though my task on Earth is secured, I still have to train myself to become the leader that my successors will follow. Through spiritual and emotional development, I will be able to make wise decisions. My actions will reflect the wisdom that mankind need. I will not have others impact what I will become, but rather I will impact on what they will become. My name will become a term coined for success.
Resubmitting post. The first one is whack.
As I approach adulthood, I often times look back on the last four years of my life. I can still remember the admiration I had towards upperclassmen as a freshman, the gradual adaptation to my surroundings as a sophomore, and the struggle to survive as a junior. As years passed, it eventually became my turn to stand in the footsteps of those that I once looked up to – a senior. The young men and women that seemed so distanced from my entrance into high school were now my peers.
I have gained countless memories from my stay. From the ring of the bell to the nasty as hell smell that those white flowering tree emit will forever be with me. At the same time that I accrued memories, I lost parts of my original self. Just like how past Apaches changed once they entered college, so have I when I progressed through high school. For the most part, I departed with most of my childish shenanigans. I want to emphasize on most. I plan on keeping the rest. On a more serious note, I have also become more enlightened.
High school only acted as the spark that will ignite the heaps of change to come. Although parts of me will become significantly different than what they are now, some will not change at all. Take for example; my handsome youthful looks will remain with me forever. Age is something that will not affect me, the future God-King of the planet.
Becoming the emperor of the world is something that is ungraspable to many. But through visions and dreams, I am destined to overcome the perilous journey to become the Supreme Ruler. Though my task on Earth is secured, I still have to train myself to become the leader that my successors will follow. Through spiritual and emotional development, I will be able to make wise decisions. My actions will reflect the wisdom that mankind need. I will not have others impact what I will become, but rather I will impact on what they will become. My name will become a term coined for success.
I will create another person who is as smart as Einstein. He will have the life full of adventures and excitement. He will also be a normal person with open mind, because even though he is smart, he still can still accept other people’s ideas. He will definitely like physics and math, not only because they are my favorite subjects, but also because those subjects holds the key to achieve technological advance. In terms of personality, he will definitely be able to persevere in hardship, because perseverance is something that I am week about, I know how bad it can be when a person does not have perseverance. He will not have the standard life; he will have the life full of unknown mysteries and dangers, because life can be boring if one already knows what is going to happen.
Just like the person I created, I will also have an open mind. I will definitely want to let new people to get involve in my life. I heard a lot of people talked about trying to explore new things in college. I think that I will try out new things in college, because I want to see whether the claim is true and more over, I want to actually make more friends to fulfill my life. For the passing years of my life, I only talk to the people I already knew, and I tend not to make new friends. Therefore, I will start to let new people to get in to my life, and make a difference.
I used to be like those people who do not hang out with friends, and tend to watch television and play video games all the times. In recent years, I stopped doing those. I started to actually go out and have fun with friends when I have time. Amazingly, I had much better time than just staying at home. I will definitely seek out a new life in the future, not because my life is not as good as others, because I want to have a more enjoyable and exciting life.
Life is short, I should spend more time to seek out and have fun whiling doing things I can or want to do. When I come back and visit, I hope Mr. Feraco can still recognize my face, but not the way I act. I think I will change over the few months, hopefully be more matured and more responsible. I will definitely be better than the person I am now. Like Mr. Feraco had said in the class that people can change a lot over short amount of time. Hopefully I can be different, in a good way.
For me, the future is filled with a lot of suspense. The best way I can explain it is with an analogy, and boy do we all love analogies.
Have you have ever been walking down a very dark hallway, especially in a building you're not too familiar with, and you feel that there might be a door coming up. Well, sometimes when I walk through my house and it's dark, and I know where the doors are, but I'm not sure if they're closed or not. I don't want to put up my hands to check to see if the door is closed or not, because if it is open than I'll feel like an idiot. Anyway, the point is, as I'm about to walk through the doorway, I get this really weird feeling of crushing suspense, sort of like (to make an analogy to my analogy) when you're walking with your eyes closed, and you can feel that something is suddenly in front of your face, like a door, and you're somewhat taken aback in your mid). But I guess, technically, those two analogies are very similar in that you can't see something, but you can feel that's it coming nearer. The point IS that that sums up exactly how I feel like about the future.
I've always had diverse feelings about the future ever since I was a small child. Watching a lot of TV as a kid, fictional images of Junior High and High School were burned into my mind. I had been conditioned to believe certain things about High School. Seeing how big all the High School students on the TV shows were (it wasn't until later that I found out they weren't really in High School) I was expecting students to be tall and mature. As freshman year approached I wondered when I was going to change. I thought that over the summer between 8th and 9th grade my friends and I would all grow another foot, we'd start wearing sunglasses during class, and our coolness factor would increase tenfold. I expected drastic changes to occur in my life at certain milestones. Despite my expectations, these changes never came. At least, it never seemed like they did. As time has gone on, things seem to have stayed relatively the same. I can only see drastic changes when I look back and compare the past to the present.
As changes have come undetected throughout my life, I’m left wondering if any noticeable changes will appear during my transition to college.
I want to create a person is a person who have power like superman and batman, because with the power you can do anything. You can destroy it or protect someone, which I have to choose. But that is impossible so that I want to create a person is better than me like more improve that me.
My dream, my goal and my plans will keep me, because if someone had a goal and plans, which make him/her, will keep going, you know. I really don’t want to stop, which mean I give up everything so that I never stop and can’t stop. I have to keep going. One day, I want to show the people that I succeed and I want to shot out on the top of mountain and say, “I made it.”
My self will discard, because I’m growing up and I’m not kids anymore, which make me act like adult. Also one day, I’m going to married someone and have a family too. I know I’m still a kid, but I have to be more seriously and take care myself. This is not a game, you know. Also my friends, because I know one day, we are all going to separate it from high school. I know almost is finish the high school and say, “good bye” to my friends. I think I’m going to miss them so much, but some of them going to same college with me.
New life will acquire me, because I’m going to the college, which I’m going to meet new people and new life. Also I have to get a job too, because my parent is not going to help me like old time, you know. And I’m growing up so that I have to realize that I have to act more be seriously and work hard. I’m not sure that am I really ready for new life, because I’m kinda worry about myself if I give up, you know, but I hope that I can do it and live out from the new life.
If I can choose what part of my life I want to keep and trash, I want to keep what makes me, Jessica, which is my drawing ability. No one else in the whole wide world will hold the pencil like the way I do. My spirit does the drawing for each of my strokes. When I need to escape from the world, I grab my pencil and draw until I lose myself in my drawing. Drawing is something I want to keep with me forever because I live in my drawing.
I will discard my fears, which I have since I was a baby. My fears have always set me back, and it will be ideal if I can simply throw them away. If I did not have my fear of public speaking, I will be more vocal and willing to express my feelings and thoughts.
I will welcome new people into my life because new people bring new experience and ideas. If I simply isolate myself to people I know, I won’t be able to expose myself to new ideas, fads, idea, beliefs, and so on. I’ll be living in this cave where everyone around me is changing for the better, hopefully, and I am not. Bringing new people into my life will allow me to see ideas in new perspective.
Stuff will happen when I’m gone and I will miss it, yet stuff will happen when I’m here and I will witness it, if only I could be more than one place at once. I never felt so alone going on alone pursing what I want to be in life. That there will be no more “mom can I have some money for lunch” or “bro you want to go off” or “duh hero!” it sucks to be graduating even though the first day of freshman year you wanted out. It sucks to have met great people that became your friends this year, but you push them away and continue living your life. Why does life have to be so depressing in the peak of your happiness? Don’t ask me I’m no super genius that know everything, I wish I was but then I would know to much for my own good. And I have to admit looking at the times I had together with friends at Arcadia High that I cried while writing… typing this blog. I can relate a song that probably everyone will agree that this is what they need a person, a friend to be there. (BSB – I need you tonight).
I wonder if people feel the same way I’ve only read some of the blogs on this post, yet no one will read mine except Feraco, but hey I think I’ll be okay with that. Sooner or later people from other years will see this blog. The people that I probably pushed away so I wouldn’t hurt them when I leave in about three to four days will probably forgive after reading this. As for the one’s I kept close to me, I fear that I will never see them again that our paths will never cross after the summer of 2010. In this blog I like to keep things short so your eyes won’t get sore reading this stupid thing, and say that I’m sorry if I hurted anyone or annoyed anyone in anyway. I’m sorry for being a pest about my homework and test and even my essay, but thanks for always being there for me guys. Even though I’ll be alone I feel that will have your help in spirit whether you’re right next to me or on another planet.
I want to create an identity that I create, not an identity that I allow society to create one for me. I would keep the person (the abilities, personality, etc.) that I am today, because I am the person that I have created. I might not be perfect or even ideal, but I am who am I am. There are some things that I would like to change, but if I were to discard those imperfections, I would discard my morals and my individuality. It is my imperfection that makes me who I am, not my perfection. I would like to be more responsible and more hard-working, and that is something that I will and must work on.
I am eager to meet new people, because that is how we make friends; we socialize with our peers. I cannot fathom the reason why people would want to shield themselves from society. Perhaps it is because they were mistreated or abused and they were conditioned to accept that kind of life-style, but that’s a depressing, insecure way of living. I am eager to meet new people because I believe I can benefit a lot from their friendship. I could learn and understand different cultures. I want to meet other people because it proves that we are all unique; no person is identical to another.
My parents raised me on the idea of living life to the fullest and that I should travel and explore the worlds and see the different cultures the world has to offer. I want to see the world and travel to different countries that are different from home. However, since I was raised in an extremely family oriented home, I do not want to wonder away from home for a long time. Also, when I go back home, I could reminiscence the memories home reminds me of.
Like many other people, I want to grow as an individual in the future and start ascending into adulthood. Perhaps when I visit you, you would be able to physically recognize me, but I hope that you won’t be able to recognize my cognitive thoughts. I think we grow as individuals not by looking older, but by how we utilize our minds. I want to start using my mind in an intelligent, creative manner and leave all the immaturity behind. Well maybe not all the immaturity, because we have to enjoy life a little bit, right?
When I leave Arcadia high School, I doubt I will be like I am now, having to adapt to mew surroundings and dealing with new obstacles. I know I won’t talk to most of my friends I have now, most will become acquaintances and others I will hang out with my whole life. I plan to go to college, which may be far away; of course I’ll have to make new friends. If I didn’t make new friends I think life would be miserable not having anyone to share feelings with, or not having anyone to spend my time with. I wont have lots and lots of friends, probably a couple that I spend my weekends with and go places with. Of course my social life will include some parties, I don’t always have to be in my own comfort shell. Having fun sometimes is always good in college because it seems like it going to be very stressful. O course as I grow up, I will become more mature and get go about life much differently, by settling down and having a stable life. My friends will grow up and get families of their own, we will talk less not having as much time on are hands.
Moving away from my house now will be a big change for me, I have to adjust to life on my own. My mom and dad are not going to be by my side anymore, meaning I have to make all my decisions on my own. It will be hard not seeing my family as often as I do now, having to only visit them when I don’t have plans of my own with college and with my personal life. Making time for myself when I grow up will be amazingly hard at first like paying all sorts of bills, going to school, hanging out with friends, and hopefully a girlfriend if I play all my cards correctly. Not knowing how I can handle moving away from home, if I can coupe with being on my own. Hopefully, college is doable for me, I am scared that I may not be able to keep up with the college lifestyle. Some people say that college wasn’t for them, I hope that’s not what I choose. I want to have a happy family that I can take care of and support.
My senior year will hopefully be the year to remember for the rest of my life. I want to spend a little more time with my friends this year than I have with the past three years. My freshman, sophomore, and junior years I focused a lot on my grades and I never really hung out with my friends on the weekends. This year I want to balance my time better and have best of both worlds. I want to remember back and say to my children that I should have done more with my high school life instead of telling them I was always serious an enjoy things that much. I don’t really like my high school experience thus far because I haven’t really done anything worth mentioning, but this year I plan to change that. So when I go to college I am confident in myself so I can meet new people and I can get good grades.
The person I am now is changing everyday, I learn new things constantly and I adjust to what makes me comfortable. I will always be Frank Mele, I will always love my family, but I will change by the things I like and the things I do. Little by little I will change I may not see the change in me but I am changing. As I grow up I will see the people around me change and I will ether adjust to them or will let them adjust out of my life. One day I will be sitting down and just look back at the things I have accomplished and that’s when I will realize how much I changed. When I come back to visit my teachers from high school they will see a difference in me and I will be oblivious to the changes that are clearly visible to them. I hope they see I have taken my life in the right direction and I make them proud to see that I am transforming into a nice young man.
Only users who are logged in may leave comments on this blog. Please follow the link below in order to log in.
Click here to log in