Thursday, July 1. 2010
Post your "teaser" sections here! Think of the parts that would be most likely to inspire someone to want to read the rest of your story. Remember to post school-appropriate material!
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The earth shook violently as James tried to maintain control of car. Rocks began to slide onto the narrow road. James’s mind was racing was he focused on remaining on the road, avoiding falling rocks, swerving the car as necessary on the S shaped road, and ignoring the ear shattering screams emitting from Gary.
“Look out!” Gary screamed, for a giant boulder was tumbling onto the road in front of us. James stomped on the brakes, trying to stop the car before it got into the boulder’s path, but the car stopped exactly in front of the boulder, at the same time the engine died. No matter how much James tried the engine would not start.
“Out of the car, now!” James said to Gary, who was already attempting to get rid of his seatbelt. As they got out of the car, they fell to the ground trying to maintain balance during the earthquake, but with no avail. They laid there as the boulder, rolled to them, too scared to move, as they faced death (me). James shut his eye tight, and braced himself to be flattened like a pancake. You are what you eat James laughed to himself.
Suddenly a bright light shined upon him, burning his eyes even though they were shut, the intense heat burned his body, making him feel as if he were sitting in the middle of the Sun. As quick as it had came, the light disappeared.
i like the teaser, but what is the light exactly? It doesn't seem to make sense with the setting
Then, I heard a scream coming from the building.
I watched in horror as women jumped out of the building: to their death. I knew I was lucky to make it out of there alive. One –splat, dead. Two –thud, dead. Three –plop, dead…thirty-three –thump, dead. Then, I saw Momma. MOMMA! I saw her taking a breath before jumping out. She did not look at me; her eyes were closed. Thirty-four –thud, dead. No movement at all. Tears swelled up in my eyes. Momma was gone. Forever.
You have got to teach me how to write like that Joyce. Mine is really really long. I want to read more too. I like the part where you described the horror.
Ah, so many people including suicide in their stories. It does sound interesting, though. Good job!
Well it started off as a fire in the building but people didn't know how to get out so they had to choose between jumping or burning.
you based it on the fire in the triangle shirtwaist factory huh? it was so sad. When we read it in history it was already sad but now it was even more sad the way it was told.
YEA! It's based on the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory fire...
was the daughter working with her mom? if she was, then how did she escape?
Interesting story! The first part just grabbed my attention and I couldn't stop my self from reading more. Good job!
I don't think you should talk about death the way you do in the teaser, it seems as though you are making light of it, in a way... I think you should talk more about how and why the narrator was horrified, and rooted to the spot, and how she couldn't look away, (if that's what happened). You could also talk about, (if you want) how there were crowds of people watching these poor people jump to their deaths, and it could make your narrator sick inside, as if she thought, the people thought, it was a circus or something for their enjoyment. I also don't think that you should count the people as they die, (going back to what i said earlier) it makes it seem as if the narrator isn't taking the people's death seriously, or even understanding that the people are desperate and that's their last option. You don't have to take any of my opinions though, it's just what I think would make your teaser better.
ooh! Thank you SO much for the advice. I just didn't want to add how she felt because I thought the readers would get bored. Thanks though!
Personally, I find narrator's feelings and opinions the best part of stories. It helps me identify with the narrator and what they're going through. But, again, that's just me. I love the plot line though.
I've actually read a book with a simillar plot line about the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory fire called, "Ashes of Roses."
Nicole's advice is solid. However, there's something to be said for your approach. As it stands, there's an awful, poetic rhythm to the bodies falling from the sky (giving a sort of ironic order to chaos), and the human tendency towards shock and numbness in such situations is powerful.
My own advice is to split the difference between her advice and your current way of writing. You do pull back too quickly from her emotions, but you don't want to edge into histrionics. I think the best way to follow Nicole's advice is to take us inside Minnie's head - there's no reason for us to be outside it. That way, we can sense what she senses, can follow the tangents of her thoughts (are they rational? Panicked? Scrambled?) as she thinks them...the moment will feel suffocating and immediate, which is what you want from it.
Nicely done, both of you.
Surprised, she lost her balanced and tumbled off the side of her nest while her siblings cried in horror. Quickly, the father shot forward, but unfortunately, he missed by an inch. Kyzak flapped her wings helplessly as she fell, twigs and branches whipping at her body until her head crashed into a bigger branch which knocking her unconscious. She didn’t feel anything the rest of the way down and shot through a bush into a pile of leaves which the gardener left there to pick up tomorrow. The leaves saved her life, but she was buried under all of it, unconscious and hidden from anyone that was trying to find her.
oh my! You have a lot of god description and detail. The names are kind of confusing though!
are the names really that confusing? Kyzak isn't that hard to remember is it? She is the main character though
Jamie and Josh held eye contact and they shared a moment of understanding. With tears in her eyes, Jamie shared her last love with him. Josh shook his head and prepared to do the last thing in his life. He had made Jamie a promise and he was going to die for her, no matter how weak he was. Josh began to stand up, but the guards took hold of him. Josh didn’t care what would happen to him anymore and just punched each guard as hard as he could. Madre didn’t seem to notice and had his hand over the trigger. He was enjoying this.
Whatever happened next was a total blur for Josh. Everything seemed to play in slow motion. One second Josh was running toward Madre, and the next second, a gunshot was fired. Josh was too late. “No! Jamie!”
However, Josh looked to see Madre’s eyes wide open, staring ahead like he was shocked. Where Madre was standing, a pool of blood began to form. Soon, Madre collapsed in front of Josh.
SO ROMANTIC. I like it, Jasmine! But then one part you said," Everything seemed to play in slow motion," but I thought all of it happened quickly?
I put that "everything seemed to play in slow motion" because it was very quick, but I wanted to make it dramatic and describe it more in detail. I'll try to add more. Thanks!
it was really good, but I didn't feel a lot of effect because I didn't know what Madre did to Josh and why Josh shot him.
You have to read the beginning of the story to get it. And if you read the part after, Josh didn't shoot Madre. It was someone else. You'll have to find out. It makes more sense in the real story. Thanks though!
Just to tell everyone; this is not a romantic story, it's supposed to be a spy story with a little bit of romance. Only a few paragraphs with love. Yeah, I know in the preview, no one can find out that it's related to spy, but the entire story before and after that is.
King William Webb-Giles had no other choice. He sat in his throne room, decorated colorfully with banners and armor. Tonight though, all those things seemed dull and meaningless. The entire castle seemed to radiate sadness and despair. Why? In one of the most crucial battles of his life, he had done the unthinkable. He made a pact with demons. If he won the war, which he did, he would have to give up his first born son. Could he do it? Would he really give up his child for the good of the kingdom? Slowly, he lifted his crying child, his shaking hand painfully obvious. He stopped shaking his hand. A king had to be strong, even in the worst of disasters. Slowly, he recited the incantation that he had hoped to never use. A monstrous portal appeared in front of him. The screams of the tormented souls blasted through the demonic portal. The screaming stopped as a giant clawed hand emerged from the portal. A booming voice sounded in the hall.
“GIVE ME THE CHILD.”
Slowly, he raised his shaking hand.
He looked away, unable to watch his son being taken away because of him. The demon slowly, agonizingly, plucked his child from his hand. His son woke up, not used to being away from the comforting arms of his parents. The torturous screams started again as the hand withdrew from the mortal world. Now though, there was a new scream added to the mix. The agonizing scream of his child. The booming voice spoke once more before disappearing from the world forever.
“THE DEBT IS PAID. BE AT PEACE, FOR WE WILL NOT BOTHER YOU ANY LONGER, WILLIAM OF GILES. HOWEVER, YOUR SON.... THAT IS A DIFFERENT MATTER ENTIRELY!”
A laugh sounded from the portal. It amplified the pain that the king felt. He cracked. A single tear fell from his cheek. Slowly, more tears joined the first. Now, his own cries joined the ones in the portal.
A large thunderclap sounded. As if that was a signal, the portal faded out of existence. The only one left in that chamber was the sobbing king.
They set out for other towns, all meeting the same fate as their own. Only handful of towns remained and the first one that they stopped by was a small town by the name of Candiano. The mayor greeted them with a grim smile and welcomed them to the town. His name was Fernando Gimens, a person that had the skills of a good military commander and bold politician.
With someone to finally talk to, Gernardo blurted out his history of the war. Fernando only looked grimmer as he said,
“There were almost no survivors that came before you. You’re lucky to survive when you did. I fear that I have bad news for all of us. As you may have already guessed, the Tokites are landing a full-fledged assault on our strongholds and all the towns in their way are to be destroyed.”
Juliando bowed her head and said, “We have already known this would happen, and I believe that our strongholds will not stand for long.”
The three was interrupted by the knocking of a door and a small male servant appeared by the doorway.
“The scientists have finished their last touches to the anti-radar project, Mayor. Alford wishes to see you there with a whole heart, instead of a sweaty old palm about your head.”
As the servant disappeared, Fernando turned to the both of them and said,
“Why don’t you come with me? I’m sure you’ll be interested in what we’re doing to protect ourselves from these invaders.”
Both of them readily agreed and hurried off with the mayor for their tour around the science building. It wasn’t far and took only a few minutes to reach their destination. Though it may have seemed large to an onlooker, it was what both of them considered small for a laboratory. They found a towering turret that was completely different from what both of them had ever seen.
“What’s this?” Gernardo asked.
“It’s a newly built turret that can be used to deflect strong lasers.” Fernando replied. “You see, it only takes a laser half the power of the shot to change its course. We’re planning to deploy these models all over the town along with these other inventions that we have made.”
Both Gernardo and Juliando was surprised at the town’s progress in weapon development. They had not known that such a small town could have weapons dangerous enough to threaten quite a few fleets of the Tokites’ army. They were showed plenty of defense systems, many in which blocking enemy’s radars was involved.
“That’s because we can irritate the enemy by forcing them to fight blind.” Fernando explained. “The whole point is to create chaos and confusion by generating lots of smoke, energy fields, and explosions. We can’t hope to win, so we’ll make the battlefield look like a maze full of traps and possibly annoy them enough that they’ll retreat.”
While he was explaining the scientific purposes of each weapon, Juliando was wondering about the possibilities of surviving the war. Her senses suddenly sharpened as she asked, “Are the other towns helping you with this too?”
Fernando shook his head and said, “We have tried to create an alliance, but it may seem be to no avail. There’s no trust around any town, even if they were the biggest supporters of the Dmitri. Now that the Dmitri alliance is falling, some towns are selling themselves to the Tokites so they won’t be crushed by the outcome. Its only getting worse and worse and it may end up with a battle of tiny republics in which the Tokites will eventually crush.”
Satisfied with the answer, they met Doctor Alford, who was waiting for them at the end of the exhibit. With a salute to the mayor, he gestured them to come forward and see the new invention that he had made.
It was evident that the invention would look like nothing they had ever seen. Yet it reminded Gernardo of some sort of long tubes from the sewer drains. The structure itself looked like simple shapes put together, despite some tiny obstructions in the background. There was six giant cylinder shaped pillars that was put together to form a hexagon, from the top. It was made of material that was sturdy and bright. Attached to the bottom was a rocket-like engine with red and black cylinders, that was much larger then the six above. Other functions was then revealed as Alford prompted it to evolve into its final stage. There were small turrets, missile shooters, and shield radiators all around the connecting ring. Then, there was a whole other system that the three could not identify.
“What’s this?” Juliando asked curiously.
“It’s an energy field generator.” Alford replied. “The ring generates energy inside, and the upper half lifts up to release a temporary energy field.”
“And just what is it supposed to do?” asked Gernardo.
“It’s a disrupter to the enemy’s radar.” Alford said proudly. “In the radar, it would show random spots occurring in the diameter of the field. Without radar, they can’t fire accurately and can only guess where our vital machinery are.”
Thoroughly impressed with the inventions, Gernardo decided that there could be hope for them after all. Yet it would take more than one town to stop the onslaught that was happening right at this moment.
“I think we should be going back now.” Fernando inquired, as he shook hands with Dr. Alford. “You know you can have a break whenever you want, but you know the conditions.” Dr. Alford just smiled and said, “I probably won’t have time to take a break. You know how I am.”
The group of three finally returned to the hotel, tired from all that had happened. After Fernando bid them good night, the two siblings signed in with the hotel and curled up with each other. After all, it did save some money to have only one bed. They didn’t have much to spare.
The idea came to Gernardo as he started eating a Tilonese style fish. Both Juliando and he was reputated as children of two great inventors and strategists. Perhaps their reputation could vouch for the alliance between at least a few towns. He quickly woke Juliando from bed and they discussed a plan to connect the towns.
“But didn’t they already try that before? We might have mom and dad’s reputation, but even that might not work for something like this.” Juliando said, after listening to his plan. “It’s worth a try, and it’s the only way that we could have an alliance capable of defending itself against the Tokites.” Her brother replied. “The first thing we should do is to get the mayor to vouch for us. We’ll have to ask him about the towns most likely to cooperate with us.”
They discussed this idea for a long time, going into lots of detail about how they would be able to convince a majority of the towns. In fact, they spent the whole morning and afternoon planning out details, using information about the towns to track down leaders and their vital opinions. Gernardo decided to call the mayor after their many hours of researching. The secretary had implied that the mayor "was busy with important affairs" and to wait a few days before calling back. Out of the towns that had not been destroyed, thirty-four of them were singled out to be more likely to cooperate. There was so much work to be done and for three days and nights, the two of them labored around the work field up to the point where almost every library employee had seen them one day or another.
When the mayor was finally "available", Gernardo and Juliando rushed to his office to talk to him about their resolution.
"I'm sure you both understand that it will be difficult work, but there's more than what you think is going on between these leaders." Fernando replied after a thorough lecture about the alliance attempt. "They all have secret grudges against each other and some have many different sorts of councils with different rules. It’s too complex to be able to put them together. Some of them have probably made deals with the Tokites already. You’ll probably face assassins, politicians, and worst of all, media.”
Gernardo frowned at the word, “media”. He knew he would have to face the other two groups of the opposing side, but media was something that could not be tolerated with. They have been known to break down doors with amateur weapons and kidnap politicians, only to ask questions. In fact, a media company had once even taken a video of privacy on social celebrities and almost got away with it.
“I suppose we’ll have to do this in secret then.” Juliando said, as her brother was daydreaming. “We’ll start from the towns that are considered to be less aggressive and use their numbers to convince the others.”
Fernando looked worried for a moment and sighed. “Well I guess it is a hope against the Tokites’ invasions. I’ll provide personal bodyguards and finances along with it.”
“Oh yes, about that…..” Gernardo started to say.
“What?” Fernando inquired.
“Well my father and mother is probably dead from the invasion of our town. Could there be an inheritance in another town?”
Gernardo gulped as he said this, as he still felt pain from the knowledge.
Fernando noticed this and said, “Yes there could be an inheritance from a bank. They just have to be from the same branch. Don’t worry about your parents. They’re up there and I’m sure they’re proud of both of you for what you are going to do with it.”
Gernardo murmured thanks and excused himself. Juliando smiled sadly, as she followed him out. Their parents had been quite busy, as they had been inventors of many things. Yet they had supported both of them whenever they could and the two siblings loved them for it.
Tears are not going to solve any problems, Gernardo thought, and we have much more important things to do. He recollected himself and went on his way back to the hotel. The two of them would have to start the diplomacy tomorrow, because there was no time spare. Even now, the Tokites fleet was beating back the defenses of our guardian strongholds.
Morning came as the Gernardo and Juliando set out in their ship with Mayor Fernando’s sealed document and bodyguards.
“Which town are we going to first?” asked Juliando. Gernardo looked at the coordinates and said, “We’ll start with an easy mission. Fordanio’s people knows our mom and dad pretty well. They’re also one of the towns that hate the Tokites’ way of rule. We should start from the city and continue through the towns around it.”
They came to the city and inquired for an audience with the mayor. It took a few days before he could see them, but when they did, he received them warmly with lots refreshments.
“So what did you want to talk about?”
They explained about the attempt to connect the towns together in an alliance to be able to resist the invasion of Tokites. Once he finished, he said,
“You’ll have the blessings and support from our city. I’ll send messages to the towns that think as we do, and you’ll receive much support with your attempt to connect as into a republic.”
Juliando smiled and said, “We will not fail your trust kind mayor. Your support may be the reason for our success and even under the pressure of those who don’t agree, we will proceed on with our growing alliance.”
They parted with warmer feelings towards each other and even as they had only been there for a few hours, people came all over the city to see them leave and wave good-bye. With a final wave, the two set out in their battleship and cruised towards the nearest town. Little did they know, that this little expedition created what we could have called, The Age of Debate.
News traveled quickly and soon enough, even the countries around them knew about the attempt. Politicians and media members prepared for the arrival of the siblings, as they knew that the towns would eventually be visited. Neither of them knew this, but many would be glad to change places with them. All they knew, was that the leader of Randoni was giving them some trouble.
"I understand your intentions are good, but this alliance will never succeed. Diplomacy leaders before you were never able to receive enough cooperation and even before the war had started, it was very difficult for the first alliance to gather up these towns. Now that the first alliance is about to fail, many are discouraged about creating a second one. Some of them want to be independent, but was forced into the alliance for one reason or another."
The leader was overly cautious in Gernardo's opinion, but Juliando was more patient and said, "We understand your concerns for safety, but the Tokites are going to take over your town whether you join us or not, so all you are doing is taking a more certain doom. Our alliance is the only way we’ll be able to set up a defense against their invasions. It would be a much better decision to join us instead of being independent and left to defend against a wave of the Tokite fleet.”
He shook is head and said, “I’m sorry, but even if it means we have to give ourselves up to the Tokites, I will not risk bloodshed in our community.”
Seeing that the leader was firm and unwilling, Gernardo stood up and made an official parting. As soon as they logged into a hotel, Juliando said, “We should come back when we have more support from other towns.” Gernardo shook his head and said, “That man was part of the peace party when the first alliance still stood. I remember reading his name on one of the pamphlets. His rank was second only to George Harold and he was described as a firm and powerful man in the media.” Juliana started to say something, but thought better of it as she slowly drifted off into sleep.
No grammer comments and all that, I'll fix the parts that sound bad later, but I need ideas on how the story should push towards and any parts that sound weird.
Why do all their names end with O? You should have more variety in your names.
Wow, this is extremely long
5 pages of story... Good start though, and as jeffrey said, why do the names end with "o"
As she ran back home, she ran into her older sister Aurora who was in the seventh grade and was nice but everyone loved her. Alyssa loved her but felt jealous at times when her sister’s many boyfriends came to pick her up for a date. Well, she felt ignored and hated by everyone. She did not really get that much attention in the house but she knew that her family loved her. She went into her room and looked out the window. She saw a shooting star and made a wish,
“I wish… that something would happen that will make everyone appreciate me and acknowledge me,” little did she know that when you wish upon a star with your heart, it comes true.
wow it looks interesting. I want to know what happens next. its good.
Jake was laughed, teased, and was bullied by everyone. He walked the hallways in school with shame and humiliation because he was in love with a popular girl. He did everything to impress her but was always rejected. Then that girl he was in love and moved onto another guy. He was furious. He kissed her forcefully and was beaten up by her boyfriend. He was on the ground bleeding with a scar across his cheek, watching the love of his life walking away. That day he swore revenge and 20 years later, he got it.
GASP. I WANT TO KNOW WHAT JAKE DID..
Just one thing.. when I read "He kissed her forcefully and was beaten up by her boyfriend," I first thought that "he" was Jake. So I think you should change that a little so it won't be confusing/
what do mean by " he" was Jake? Jake is he and Jake kissed her forcefully and the girl's boyfriend beat Jake up.
Oka-san = mother
“He’s opening his eye! He’s waking up! He’s waking up!” I heard my oka-sans happy voice as I slowly parted my eyes. An unfamiliar ceiling stared down at me. I looked around. Everyone was here, oka-san, oto-san, Makoto, and Madoka. “What’s going on? Where am I?”
“Doctor, he doesn’t have amnesia does he?” Makoto asked turning to a man in a white lab coat and a surgeon mask with a worried expression.
“Don’t worry; he’ll be fine,” everyone looked relieved, “but--”
“What? There’s more?” oto-san asked frustrated.
“Yes sir…” he looked me in the eyes sadly, “He’ll never be able to play the piano again.
The room went silent except for the humming of the air conditioner. “I-I’m s-s-sorry…” Madoka stammered nervously, breaking the silence. “Of course you are. You still have your dream, but what about me? What about my dream? I—my hands…” I realized I was glaring and that my eyes were wet. “Give me…give me…” I started trembling. I felt the liquids from my eyes begin to spill down my cheeks, “Give me…give-g-give m-me my h-hands b-back…”
“I’m sorry…I’m sorry…” Madoka whispered it over and over again, his face as much of a mess as mine was.
“GIVE ME MY HANDS BACK!!!!” I lunged at him, tackling him to the floor.
“Please stop! You’ll get hurt again!” shouted the doctor as he attempted to get in between us. I put all my strength into my fist and aimed at Madoka’s nose. There were two cracks, one from his nose and one from my fist.
OH MY GOSH. I want to read it! How did he lose his hands? And I love the dialogue! This is SO good.
It's awesome. So this is the part before he goes to the school and meets the girl?
That is an interesting story and gee, I wonder how he lost his hands
I'm sort of confused... Does he not have hands anymore? If he doesn't have hands how does he have a fist to punch Madoka?
His hands are intact, but the bones were broken so he'll never be able to play the same way he did before even if they heal. What he meant by "give me my hands back" was that he wanted his hands the way they were before. He is still able to punch people since his hand, arm, and muscles are still there.
I love your dialogue. It expresses so much emotion about how the main character feels. Great job!
Its beautiful just beautiful ! Can't wait until you finish. For the preview, i think it would make even more sense if you add that he is a child prodigy
“Welcome to Scottsdale Insane Asylum. You are placed with these six people. These people will be your roommates and friends. You shall eat, sleep, and even pray together.”
The walls were grey and there was water dripping from the ceiling. The place smelled of burnt matches and air freshener.
A man with a nametag pinned to his shirt, which read, “Keith Myers,” asked a general question to everyone, “Who are you and why you are here?”
“My name is Ramos Derringer. I was classified as insane when I was framed robbing a bank. The truth is I didn’t. A man in a black suit and tie stole the money and gave me some cash. Like anyone, I accepted the money.
Ahaha, they have to eat, sleep, and pray together?! Anyways, it's really interesting.
This is okay, I thought that people in insane asylums are supposed to be isolated...
People in Insane Asylum are not allowed to room with 6 people. They must be the same gender and the most they ever get is 2 people. And mental health workers and the other people that work there are watching 24/7.
I like your story, but I think you should add more to how he was framed. It would give us more idea of what happened to the character.
There is more on how he was framed, also the insane asylum activity is to see how others will react when they see each other.
“How did she get the part without trying and I, who spent an hour practicing the part I was going to show to the teacher in the play everyday!” Mia complained to herself. Mia the head of the drama club, three years in a row the head of the drama club, the blonde fair haired teenage girl who always wore mini skirts even in the winter time, and then suddenly, she was suddenly defeated from her all star winning title when Tiffany walked into the audition that day and ambushed her with talent that Mia has never seen before and took the part she always wanted to play. Tiffany had decided to display her acting skills that day by beating Mia and she was very interested in the play because it was a replay on Indiana Jones. She didn’t really expect getting the part or wanted to be on the Drama team at all for the matter, but she had seen Mia’s picture everywhere in the room with her snobby attitude, treating everyone like her slave, and it wasn’t all that bad since it was an action movie. Tiffany had watched Mia, bossing the students around about her setting stage and her costumes, when she had to deliver a note to the teacher.
I see two general directions and some sides in this, either your going to make Mia an antagonist, if so, she doesn't sound evil enough, or Mia is going to get an enlightenment by Tiffany or herself, if so its a perfect way to start.
Which character is the main one, because to me it seems as though you are switching back and forth.
I like the plot, but I'm not sure who's the main character. I think you should talk more about who you're going to focus on in the story.
I ran in the darkness.
My feet were throbbing and so was my head.
The black was engulfing me. The pain was searing through my body like wild-fire.
Then I saw it, the light, and the one thing to get rid of my pain.
The one thing to get rid of my sorrow, my grief, my angst.
I walked over to the fire, and stared at it.
The crimson and scarlet stared back at me, jumping at me, as if telling me to engulf in it now.
At this moment.
I stepped closer to the fire.
Whoa! Really good preview! So interesting; I really want to keep reading too! You have great details and imagery. Awesome job!
You have so much details in here! I wonder where she/he is....
Disclaimer It's incredibly long!
October 6, 1943
Louise walked up the steps to the church with her basket of flowers. The last time she had visited them, Lucas had asked her to bring him some, so that he could remember what it was like outside.
When she opened the doors, Louise immediately could tell something was wrong. The bright sunshine somehow seemed wrong, almost fake, as she looked around the church.
The glow that Louise had brought in with her, dimmed, as she realized that Father Thomas’ eyes were red-rimmed and his face deeply lined. It seemed as if he had been crying, and the church lay broken and smashed. The only things unbroken and still standing were the giant cross at the altar, and the stained glass window behind it on the wall.
“Father? What’s wrong? What happened here?” Louise asked the priest, who was standing in the middle of the church with the broken fragments of the congregation eerily surrounding him.
“As if you do not already know!” The priest shouted at Louise, his face transforming into that of someone she did not recognize.
“Excuse me father? I really don’t know what you’re talking about.” Louise asked the man who had once been her confidant and trusted mentor, and grew scared of the man she had once knew so much about.
“Do not give me that, I trusted you! They trusted you! God trusted you! How could you betray them, or me? How could you betray God? You have sent them to their death! What have you done to our lives?” Father Thomas then sank to the ground and lay on the tile, sobs racking his frail body.
“What have you done?” He whispered, his eyes hollow and unseeing. When no answer came, the Priest continued to sob, repeating his phrase persistently, with each time getting quieter.
“What do you mean Father? What happened here?” Louise asked, timidly at first, and when she saw that the priest was still repeating his phrase, she got down on her hands and knees and shook him, at first softly and then violently when she realized he would not answer her. “Father!” she was shouting now, too scared to lower her volume. “WHAT HAPPENED HERE?” When once again the priest did not answer her, she fled down the pews, and past the altar, running up to the church’s loft, losing her scarf and several flowers out of her basket along the way, and not bothering to stop and pick them up.
As she ran, she prayed to God that the fugitives were okay, and not harmed in any way. Upon reaching the loft, she knocked seven times, just like always, and no responding knock came back. Tears slid down her face, and she fiercely wiped them away, refusing to believe the worst until she exhausted every possibility that they were okay. She knocked harder and louder, and still there was no reply. Her heart beat faster and her breath quickened as her mind raced through all the ways they could still be okay. Without knocking again, Louise found the hidden chord that pulled down the trap door and hidden ladder, tugged hard on it, and the ladder came down with a resounding crash that brought Louise back to reality.
Slowly, Louise climbed the loft’s hidden ladder and with every lift of her foot, she imagined that those who had been in the loft were okay. Katrine had often told her the power of positive thinking, and Louise had never been willing to try it out until now. Once she reached the top of the ladder, Louise carefully and deliberately pulled herself into the room, and looked around her. The tears slid noiselessly down her face as she realized she had been holding her breath, and all at once, she gave up.
Louise allowed herself to scream and let out sobs that racked her soul and body alike. The basket of flowers that Louise had so carefully picked for all the fugitives, and little Lucas, fell and spilled all over the floor.
It's okay... I need to work on it some more though, this is just a rough draft.
This story is great! I'd love to know what she had done to make the Father say that.
The girl, (Louise) fell in love with a German Soldier stationed in her city in Denmark during World War 2, and he tricked her into telling him where all the Jews were hiding. The soldier ended up telling the higher ups, and they raided the church where they were hiding, and took the people away. And the soldiers told the Father that it was Louise who told them where the Jews were hiding, so that's how he found out it was Louise's fault, and in the end, Father Thomas ends up going insane.
That's such an interesting, sad story! I would buy it if it was published. Is the preview you posted near the end of the story?
I'm not sure where it's going to go... I was thinking more towards the middle, so I could possibly end the story with Louise trying to piece her life back together in a new city, but her past keeps catching up with her... or at the end, and she never gets the chance to forgive herself... It's a tough call...
Oh, I see it... I think I'll end up doing that, thanks!
No problem! I bet it's gonna turn out to be a great story!
Good beginning, but you'll have to connect the reason to why the priest suspected her.
So far, we can only guessed what happened and the reason, but what doesn't make sense is why the fugitives were dead not taken, priest was not punished, and a few other things. I didn't read enough detail into the story, so yeah I guess my suggestion's half answered.
The fugitives aren't dead as far as we know, the priest only says, "You have sent them to their death" which implies that eventually, yes, they will most likely die. The priest was punished by the way his church was destroyed, and yeah, I guess I could have made the soldiers tussle him around a little, but I didn't think that would have added to the plot... Plus, he becomes insane, so wouldn't that imply that he was "punished"
If someone was hiding fugitives, he would probably be punished, so yeah I agree with the soldier push around thing.
I am the type of person who thinks that not every story needs to have violence, so I'm not going to have needless violence in a story that is really about the people during the war, not the war itself.
or at leasts some marks on his face from physical abuse
No thanks, I'm trying to leave the story gory free, I'll stick with emotional abuse.
Giovanni was 20 years old when the incident happened. The date was June 24, 1211, and the skies were clear. He and his family were still living in Monteriggioni, and some people, who wore white robes with giant red crosses in the front and a large shiny full metal helmet, were seen in the city. These people made everyone else cower in fear. While Giovanni was shopping for décor and food, these men walked into Villa de Torre, and abducted the others of the family. As Giovanni walked on one side of the city back to his house, the men took the family down the other side of the city, and out the gates. When Giovanni got home, he instantly knew that there was a struggle by feeling the displacements of certain objects and smelling spilt blood, and that strangers had been present in the house by the scent of a different kind of sweat. He called for his family, but there was no answer, and so, Giovanni began to ask the people in Monteriggioni, and no one would tell him, until Giovanni's teacher, Pastor David, went up to him and said that his family had been abducted.
If I were you, I'd use both. They're both great ideas and if it's possible to piece them together, why not?
As the team walked out from under the tunnel, over a thousand cheers greeted them. As the walked onto the field they saw their opponents. The lights filled every corner of the stadium with light. The lines of the field freshly spray-painted, the smell of nachos, burgers and hot dogs filled the air. The yells and cheers deafened the players and referees. As hector looked up into crowd he found his dad, sitting with his video camera. As the players took their positions on the field, relief took over their facial expressions. They knew that they had to win. As the referee blew his whistle the game began. Hector ran up to the top of the field with his teammates chasing down the ball. As Hector retrieved the pass from his teammate he stood toe to toe with the all-American defender. He tried to take him on but failed. As the ball rolled back to his team, hector got up in the face of the defender who was trash talking him. As hector retrieved another pass he remembered what his coach told. He realized he can out sprint the player. So as Hector jogged up to him calmly with the ball he saw a lane open up, so immediately he sprinted all the way to the 16 yard box as he drew the goalie out he laid the ball off for his teammate who came in and placed the ball in the top right corner of the goal.
As the crowd cheered, the players knew they could win this game. The referee blew his whistle again to signal the start, Hector knew the next goal would be his. As the other team was running up the field with the ball Hector came from the side and performed a slide tackle as the ball rolled out from under the opponent’s feet Hector ran right back up the field, followed by cheers Hector kept the attack going and going. As the ball came to him once more, Hector dribbled the ball to the top of the 16-yard box and took the shot, as most people shouted in anger for him taking an outrageous shot, he smiled as he saw the ball
it's pretty good, makes me want to read more, like what the kid did with his skills
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