Monday, July 11. 2016
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Knock off - You Don’t Wanna Know
How They Got into Doing Stunts
Tucker and I were heading into our new class. We had caused a tiny problem in our last one, where we might have blown up the ant farm. Anyways, we were ready for this new class.
“Alright class, we have new students here today, Dylan Strauss and Tucker Park. Please make them feel welcome.” Our new teacher Mr. Weir said, gesturing to the two of us who were sitting in the back. Everyone turned around to look at us as if we were the ice cream truck. Tucker and I waved to all of them, and they turned back around. The teacher then went on, talking about volcanoes.
I loved this lesson. Volcanoes are awesome! They explode and blow things up!
Then, Mr. Weir started explaining that we were going to be assigned a project to create our own model volcano! He walked around the classroom with a hat, and in it there were peices of paper. We were supposed to grab one, nad then who ever had the matching one was our partner.
I pulled my paper out of the hat, and got Mt. Vesuvius. Sweet! The one that caused a huge explosion in Pompeii! I turned to Tucker to ask what he got, and he got Vesuvius too! This is going to be a sweet project
After the entire class found their partners, Mr. Weir let us talk about how we were going to present our volcanoes. He said that we could do any type of project for presenting. Tucker and I already knew what we were doing though. All we needed to know was how big Mt. Vesuvius’s blast ranged.
That weekend was a crazy one. We had gone shopping with our moms and gotten everything we needed to make our model Vesuvius. We worked late into the night on Saturday so that we could experiment all of Sunday to make sure everything was perfect.
Our Vesuvius was about a foot tall, and had a hole on the bottom of it for the bottle of baking soda. We made the hole on the bottom that we could keep on reusing the model after each test. When we finally found our perfect scenario, we were ready for presentations on Monday.
Finally, the presentations came around on that Monday afternoon, and Tucker and I couldn’t keep still. Mr. Weir called on us first, seeing our excitement.
We carefully picked up our Mt. Vesuvius form the back of the room and brought it up to Mr. Weir’s desk. We explained the volcano; where it was, what was it famous for, and then pulled out our vinegar. We climbed one of the stools Mr. Weir kept in the class room, and started pouring.
When we were done, we quickly ducked under the desk, learning from our mistake we made yesterday. The volcano started fizzing, and made a rumble, And then went...
Number one mistake that stood out was the simple spelling and grammar mistakes from typing really fast. No worries! Each sentence isn't too elaborate or too vague. Great story! Too bad you couldn't finish the ending, or is it on purpose? The cliffhanger is good the way it is too.
Like maybe not detailed ending, but a single sound effect?
Yeah, I was going for a sound effect, but ran out of time. During the next 20, I'll finish the story and go back to fix spelling and grammar.
Is there a connection between Dylan and Tucker or is it just coincidental that they were both new kids on the same day?
Dylan and Tucker are the "partners-in-crime" type, best friends forever. I'll clarify that when we go back to edit.
I enjoyed the story line it's good. Were they meant to be partners in the first place? Just a little spell check.. no worries we still have those 20 minutes. Hopefully the story will have a good ending to it
My name is Rich Smith, and I am a poor young potato farmer. My family and I work together to make these potatoes delicious and wonderful for everyone to enjoy. I’ve been harvesting potatoes since I was a wee little boy, and to this day I still do. I’ve become accustomed to this life, planting seeds and harvesting these crops, and it makes me feel proud every time we ship them off to some merchant who’s never actually going to give us a cut of the revenue. Each potato is given the same amount of water, fertilizer, soil, and our love to make sure that each of them are wonderful to the taste.
My young, ambitious parents grew up as slaves, or at least that’s what they tell me. Everyday they said they were beaten on a daily basis, and were forced to work day and night, harvesting cotton without rest. They showed me the cruel scars they’ve received, how gruesome each and every single one of them were! Not only this, but they had enough scars on their back to look like they just escaped a war! Nowadays, we have our own land, but many of my friends they sharecrop for some greedy money pig named Mr.Loathe. I guess I could see that, considering his name and all, but my parents always tell me don’t stereotype because of their names.
My family named me Rich, because they thought that I could be the first person in our family to live a successful life, becoming a person showered in wealth, and have enough to help support my family. They want me to show my younger siblings how hard work and determination can lead you to a great life, and that potatoes won’t be able to help. They give us this lecture daily, and I know it must be done, but will I be able to do it?
All my life, I’ve farmed potatoes, from striking the hoe into the ground and make an area suited for a potato seed, to hacking away all of the grass to a reasonable size and the vicious weeds, thirsty for more. I’ve hand picked each of these potatoes straight from the ground, and helped to wash them up and clean them up. I’ve sacked these luscious ovals of brown, making sure each person who buys a Smith’s brand of potatoes will be coming back for another sack. My potatoes are wonderful, but will I be able to switch my lifestyle from poor potato farmer to rich business man?
Sometimes I fantasize on what rich people do with all of their money. Maybe they drive fancy cars, and drive all around showing just how much money they own compared to everyone else. Those greedy sharecrop owners must also make a ton of money, sneaking those crops into high paying stores so they can earn even more money than they actually deserve?, all because they cheat people for the pursuit of cash, cash, and cash. Do rich people even care about the others in society? Would I become a person who tells people to get out of my way, and forcefully knock down the poor, lowly peasants who stand in my way. I mean, maybe this could all happen, as I think to myself while my parents give the most intense lecture of their lives, but hey what would I know? I am, but a poor potato farmer aren’t I?
This is a very deep mind set for just a "poor potato farmer". I like how he has those high expectations for himself, and wonders about whether he can fulfill those expectations.
I like that instead of declaring that they were African Americans, you used the typical details that people would know such as slavery and growing cotton. You could also get an idea on the time period since the parents were slaves and the main character is not. You gave your character personality by using words such as using "wee little boy". Overall, it's great Just a thought, perhaps you should consider the order of your paragraphs?
“Little wounds heal in the matter of days, but scars live forever.” Joe heard this from his dream as he has just been back stabbed. That was how it was back in the wild west, everything you do, is for yourself. Joe woke up with agonizing pain in his chest with a hole which looks like a bullet wound that killed him. Then it all came back to him. He had signed a deal with a government agent Dan and was suppose to be a bounty hunter to kill his former partner. Soon after killing his partner, Dan betrayed him.
He slowly got up, seeing all the wounds in his body made him doubt that he is actually alive. He then thought of Dan and what he was gonna do. Then he realized, he is going after his family. During the deal Dan had promised permanent safety for Joe’s family, and now Dan knows exactly where they are. He knew that Dan would have to kill all of his family in order to shut them up and report him the government. Joe quickly ran and climbed over the canyon and decided to rest for the rest of the day in a nearby town. He asked the locals about the whereabouts of Dan, they all said that he past by about no more than 1 day ago.
In the morning, Joe woke up early in the morning and slowly crept to the stables. He untied one of the horses and rode off back to his home. Days have passed, and Joe finally saw the trail that leads to his home. His horse galloped through the trail, slowly he stopped hearing screams and gunshots from his house. He rode to front door, seeing many of Dan’s troops dead. He walked in, with a blood of trail leading into his son’s room. There he saw more dead troops. Including his family, he collapsed to his knees, holding his son in his arms. Looking for revenge, he buried his family and burned his house down. He might’ve recovered all the fatal injury in the canyon, but this is a scar, he will always have in his heart.
This is a darker piece to me, but touching a the same time. I think their should have been more emotion towards the anguish he felt when discovering that his family was dead.
Yes I know that, since we get another 20 minutes I am able to think of a good way to describe it. Last time I had 1 minute left so I wasn't able to add in more detail.
Maybe if we got more time, you could be able to flesh out each character more, like who is Dan and what does he want? Is he the former partner? Where is the plot coming from? That being said, I could imagine this becoming animated, and it could work really well, just add more details and the ending was :^)
Basically the same as the others: should flesh out last paragraph. perhaps he gets wandering thoughts about what he would see if he didn't make it in time. Something like that
I seriously did not know what to do when I first learned that the world was going to end. Though, it really depends on your definition of the end of the world. To be exact, Earth is going to swallowed whole by the famous planet-eater, Calamity. It’s not like we’re going to die.
According to my research, it’s more like existing in a new galaxy. Calamity gets energy from the heat emitted from life forms, so we don’t get digested like other organisms. It’s just that as it grows bigger, it need more energy. Tens to hundreds of planets would be forced to coexist in a new “community” located in a Calamity’s belly.
It won’t be forever. A Calamity will disperse into millions of micro particles when it gives birth to a new Calamity. I have determined that there is only one in the world, so the universe won’t be in too much of trouble. There’s no need to worry, the world isn’t ending as you imagined it would be.
This is just a question that came up in my bored-outta-my-mind head. If the world was going to really end, and you could only bring one item, what would you choose? For me, it’s already very obvious.
First, it’s not food because you can’t bring food that won’t rot and isn’t limited, so instead of being desperate over old-world food, it’s more efficient to create new-world food. Think of all of those apocalypse movies and TV shows. Everyone becomes so desperate for food and supplies, they would kill another person for it. And just in case you didn’t realize, it’s not water either.
I wouldn’t choose helpful equipment, clothes, or weapons either. I might be simple minded, but this is the number one choice I would never mistake. It’s glasses. Yes, it wouldn’t apply to everyone in the world, but for me, being without glasses is like walking in an unbelievable thick fog where there’s danger everywhere. I’d die before anything else could kill me.
Even though it has good topics, it's kind of confusing towards how you start off talking about Calamity, and making it all seem very supernatural, and then go onto a more realistic topic that, even though it would become a question because of Calamity, is sort of off topic. Then, later I think you should try and describe more of how you would die in that impenetrable fog.
There are two ideas in your story that seems to be part of the main plot. However, it seems like this two ideas don't match as well as it should. I think you should focus on the idea of Calamity sucking up our world instead of trailing on to your favorite item. It is an interesting concept, however, and I'd love to read how it turns out.
I noticed you went into detail about what would happen if the world had ended. Also I liked that you put your opinions/ beliefs into what would happen which is good. What if you were able to have your glasses.Then what would you bring with you then?
I understood your story until the end of the first paragraph. I am kind of confused on what you are trying to write. In the beggining I thought you were writing a first person story. After I thought you are writing a survival guide. The storyline is interesting though, keep it up!!
Immortal Half-Bloods: The Staff of Mount Oryths
Based off of the short story: The Mystery behind the Temple Ruins
It was Gardening Class, first period of the day on the last time we’ll be at Magic Academy before we let out for summer. Everybody was fooling around in class as there was nothing else left to do but socialize. Calypso, the daughter of Atlas, and a beautiful nymph, ran the class. As young as she looked and was, she was able to control the class and teach it powerfully, but kindly.
“I find it fascinating how you can just build stuff off of anything,” Samantha, daughter of Aphrodite, spoke loudly to Gizmo. These two had been a item for a long, long time. Everybody in the camp “shipped” the two for almost the entire school year and finally they got together.
“You know, Sam, all materials can be made out of anything. And anything can be made into something,” Gizmo answered, flashing a grin at her.
The two were building a new invention that would help Samantha reach her “full potential”. All the other kids had already knew what they’re special power was, including Samantha’s three quadruplet sisters and youngest sister. For example, Gizmo was skilled in building, Tessa could raise the moon, Emilia could sense quick motion behind and backfire at it, and Shyanne could practically read anybody’s mind. But what about her? Why couldn’t she do anything special?
Just as she was thinking about what her special power would be, a loud noise rang out. Everybody looked from their rooms and a little goblin holding a note was yelling, “Help! Help! The Staff of Mount Oryths has disappeared!”
“What happened?” Shyanne, daughter of Athena, called out.
“The staff has been stolen!” the goblin cried. “It disappeared this morning!”
He shoved a paper into Shyanne’s hand.
I think you should elaborate on how they found their "full potential", or what happened that caused them to find it.
Shyanne (the character) can read minds right? Then shouldn't she know what happened? ALthough it's possible that the goblin itself was in too much panic. And who is "her" who can't do anything special?
Oh never mind, the main character. But you started with "we" first so be careful which perspective you use and be more clear
Under the sea, my father said, that’s where you belong. You are but a princess with responsibilities greater than ones of your own. This is your life. But is it really? I’ve dreamt of a life on land, where dreams become the reality; Away from bowing mermen and relentlessly- overprotective bodyguards, that’s where I belong. I find it quite difficult to believe that a peaceful life is far from legit.
Ever since I was a kid, the ideal life of a mermaid princess - especially one who is next in line - consisted of lessons after lessons. In the morning, after breakfast etiquette, I attended my daily violin lessons. Followed soon after, my day consisted of one hour periods of Latin, How-to-be-Queen lessons, and alternating classes of math and science each. This was not the life I wanted. With my only friend who was but a palace maid’s daughter, I got to be a normal kid for once in my life. We escaped the palace with nothing but cheap black coats and a few dollars over our head. It was that day, a little more than a month ago, did I begin to realize how boring my life was on a daily basis. Why would I voluntarily stay behind the castle gates when there was a whole other world out there - and I’m not talking about the my kingdom? In my world under the sea, all that is left for me is nothing more that family and duty.
Out there, on land, I watched behind a large rock the bustling lifestyle of humans. They walked on two dainty legs and were able to live much like us. They were happy I saw. Many kids and adults alike lined up the sea shore and played in the water. There were odd machines that sprayed water and bungalows where people relaxed. I looked to the left and saw nothing but smiles and heard nothing but laughter. Not too far away, there were cars and bikes going to and fro. Shops lined the boulevard and people were carrying multiple bags in hand. It didn’t take long to realize that this was the life I wanted.
I really like how you describe your character's life. Maybe you could exaggerate how monotonous her life is so that it shows the reader how deeply boring her life is, as opposed to just having a busy schedule.
Should use quotation marks to show how much is her father speaking and her own narration/thoughts. use of "but" is usually for something small insignificant. Her father wants her to become a great ruler or something right? Or telling her to throw away her emotions to be a ruler. If it's the latter, it work. Is what I think. And the tone of voice suddenly breaks when you use "legit". Try another word? To show how busy/monotone her day is, trying adding a long list of classes that seems stiff and boring?
how come her only friend was the palaces maid daughter, did she not fit in with the others or just didn't want to hang out with them? It's a really good plot on a character's choice of path in life between two choices and I like how its really descriptive on her mermaid life.
Concerts. Hasn’t everyone been to at least one concert. When you first find out that an artist is going on tour and they are making a stop in a town near you. It feels like a rush, waiting to get tickets online trying your best to make sure you get good seats. That one moment of stress when you have to wait in line in order for the tickets to process, its just a amazing feeling. Once your done waiting you finally get the tickets and you can't help yourself so you scream in happiness
The worst part about concerts is waiting till the day actually comes. From past experiences I waited a good 4 months to see a group of artist perform and when the day finally came I couldn't contain myself. The best thing to do is arrive early because you can see if you want any merchandise. Also you can find your seat instead of rushing to find them while someone is getting ready to perform. Finally the stage lights come on and everyone is screaming. You look closely and see the artist and there with their mic getting ready to say something to the crowd
Every artist who performs music gives an intro into their tour and then starts performing. After the intro they start playing the music and there singing. You take a moment to figure out which song it is. While trying to figure out the song, you’re trying to grab you phone out of your pocket. Finally you turn on your phone and start to videotape this special moment in your life trying not to move your hand so much so you are able to capture special details on the stage. You can tell who is having a great time because there either screaming their hearts out or there trying to get the artist to notice them. Then there those parents and other people who are forced to go because the person who bought the ticket doesn't know how to drive yet. So they just sit there on there phones playing games or reading articles.
The artist plays there last song and everyone is either drunk or still sober. People trying to leave early to beat the big crowd so they miss half of the song even though that might have been there favorite song of the night. Then you have your parent or friend dragging you out of the place. The song is finally over and there are people coming out left and right trying to dodge them but it’s no use. Once everyone is outside people go there own ways and head to there car. Its the end of the night..
The point of view in which you write seems to change a lot from 1st to 3rd person. I think you should give an example - as in a time when you went to a specific concert.
Great beginning paragraph. Really expresses the emotions and such. Is the sentence about artist always giving an intro necessary? It kind of interrupts the flow so perhaps deleting it would be better?
I think you should elaborate more on the vibes that go around during the concert, and I don't really think the part where you mention how it ends with people being drunk or sober really follows your train of focus. Your writing is on the positive path of how concerts are great, and people might take you mentioning getting drunk in the wrong way.
There was an ancient god, he has the strongest power over the other gods. His outlooking is like a giant octopus. But when he appears, the sky will full of thunder and lightning. Everyone will obey him. His name is C’thun. The first ancient god of warcraft. He was ruling the world for over thousands of years. But now he’s sunking in sleep.
This is a great start, the hook is amazing and I would love to read more. However, I have to ask why do you only have a short description of one character?
There just has to be more, so try your best to add on more to this short little story. :^)
I agree with what's above, so good luck! As an idea, you should describe why he's now sleeping.
After Macy left on her plane to Scotland and Harry went back to New York, they never thought that they would never see each other again. Macy was a lost heir from the Scotland empire and her parents went into hiding making sure that she wasn’t hurt. Harry’s family was on the enemy side and wanted to take over the Scotland empire. Harry knew that Macy would get hurt and he never wanted that to happen to her. So, he helped Macy get to her parents and thought that she was completely safe.
“We need to go back to New York, it’s more safe than Scotland, Mom, Dad, please, We need to go back.” cried Macy
“No, Scotland needs their rulers right now, you have no say in what we should and what we can’t do.” replied her dad strictly
The rest of the plane ride was awkwardly silent, Macy’s mom and dad made some conversation while Macy stared into the clouds. Her family finally arrived to Scotland and their palace. Macy looked around in awe thinking how magnificent the carving of the walls are and how intricate all the designs are. Her parents were behind her, hand in hand, excited that they finally found their daughter. The guards came in, ruining the whole scenic moment and whispered something into the king’s ear. Macy’s dad looked in shock and nervous.
“Guards, guard Macy, we should never lose her again and take my wife, let them stay in the towers, behind the hidden wall and HURRY.” yelled the king.
Macy saw a nervousness in her dad’s eyes and knew that the only thing to help him was to stay in hiding and to be absolutely quiet.
This has a good beginning but can you add more information on Harry's side.
Maybe you could go a bit further back in the story, and explain about how Macy and Harry are connected.
I do love the sense of urgency the story has though, by saying that the royal family is is danger.
Your beginning starts in a very intriguing way. However, it does seem a little rush. Who is Harry and why does his family want to take over?
You should add more character/personality to Macy. How did she feel to find out about her family? What does she think in the awkward silence during the flight? Does she agree to hide agreeingly because she really believes she can't help, reluctantly because she's worried, or such.
You can describe the other characters a little bit more.
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